Budge Report

  • Aired:  12/11/13
  •  | Views: 28,358

An agreement between Republican Paul Ryan and Democrat Patty Murray threatens Congress's reputation for f**kery. (6:35)

>> Jon: BOOM!

WELCOME TO "THE DAILY SHOW."

NICE TO SEEYOU.

MY NAME IS JON STEWART.

MY GUEST TONIGHT AUTHORREZA ASLAN IS ON THE PROGRAM

THIS EVENING.

WE'LL PICK UP WHERE WE LEFT OFFLAST NIGHT WITH THE UNITED

STATES CONGRESS.

IF YOU TUNED IN YOU MIGHT HAVESEEN THIS HOW THIS, THE 113th

CONGRESS IS PERHAPS THE WORSTCONGRESS --

[ LAUGHTER ]-- IN THE HISTORY OF NOT JUST

THIS NATION --[LAUGHTER]

-- SO WE THOUGHT WE WOULD CHECKIN ON WHAT TODAY'S CONGRESSIONAL

(bleep)RY WAS WHAT'D THEY DOTODAY?

PASS A RESOLUTION DEMANDINGPREAPPROVAL OF ALL PRESIDENTIAL

HANDSHAKES?

[LAUGHTER]REFUSE TO VOTE ON ANYTHING

EXCEPT WHETHER TO ADD CRONUTS TOTHE CONGRESSIONAL BRUNCH.

[LAUGHTER]SITTING AROUND SAYING THAT S

SAXBY CHAMBLISS IS ANACCEPTABLE NAME.

IT'S NOT.

IT'S NOT OKAY.

IT'S JUST NOT OKAY.

[LAUGHTER]MY APOLOGIES TO THE CHAMBLISS

FAMILY.

WHAT IS CONGRESS UP TO?

CONGRESS MAY BE READY TO CALL ATRUCE IN THE BUDGET WARS.

>> A BIPARTISAN BUDGET DEAL HASBEEN REACHED TO AVOID ANOTHER

GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN.

[ LAUGHTER ][LAUGHTER]

>> Jon: DEAL?

DEAL?

WHAT TYPE OF WITCHCRAFT IS THIS?

DEAL?

THE ELDERS HAVE SPOKEN OF SUCHWONDERS BUT I THOUGHT LIKE THE

YETI ITBELONGED TO LEGEND.

IF THIS BE TRUE, IT BEINCREDIBLE.

MAY IT BE?

COULD IT IS?

>> WE HAVE A DEAL.

♪ HALLELUJAH >> Jon: THAT'S IT JUST TWO?

DO WE HAVE ANY -->> ALMOST A HALLELUJAH MOMENT

HERE.

IT'S NOT THE GRAND BARGAIN MANYWERE HOPING FOR.

>> Jon: I KNEW IT.

SO THE HALLELUJAH FOR THISMOMENT IS NOT OF THE

HANDELVARIETY. MORE OF THE LEONARD

COHEN VARIETY.

THE MELANCHOLY VERSION THEY PLAYAT BENEFIT CONCERTS. OR WHEN

SHREK'S WIFE DECIDES TO BECOMEHUMAN.

THEN THE DONKEY WAS BESIDEHIMSELF.

[ LAUGHTER ]ANYWAY, MY POINT IS THIS: THE

BUDGET COMPROMISE IS THAT KINDOF MELANCHOLY, HALLELUJAH.

BUT STILL GOOD.

>> IT'S A BREATH OF FRESH AIR.

NOT USED TO USING THAT C WORDCOMPROMISE.

>> Jon: I CAN'T BELIEVETHOSE (bleep) C-WORDED.

[ LAUGHTER ]-- YES, I CAN'T BELIEVE THOSE

(bleep) C-WORDED.

I HOPE MY MOTHER ISN'T WATCHING.

HOW DID THIS DEAL GO DOWN.

>> REPUBLICAN PAUL RYAN ANDPATTY MURRAY ANNOUNCE THEY HAD

REACHED A DEAL TUESDAY AFTER TWOMONTHS OF NEGOTIATIONS.

>> Jon: OH, MY GOD.

THESE TWO MEMBERS OF CONGRESSARE VISUAL ANALOGS FOR HOW THE

TWO SIDES CANNOT SEE EYE TO EYE.

THEY ARE A LIFE-SIZE BAR GRAPHOF THE FISCAL DISTANCE BETWEEN

THE PARTIES.

THAT'S --[LAUGHTER]

AND -- AND QUITE FRANKLY --[ APPLAUSE ]

-- IF I MAY BE SO BOLD, THE TWOOF THEM LOOK LIKE ALL MY PROM

PICTURES IN REVERSE.

[LAUGHTER]SO THE IMPORTANT THING IS -- OH.

[ LAUGHTER ]AW, THE JEW FRO.

THOSE WERE THE DAYS.

LET'S HEAR IT.

WHAT DOES THIS DEAL THEY DID DO?

>> THIS BILL REDUCES THE DEFICITBY $23 BILLION.

IT DOES NOT RAISE TAXES.

IT CUTS SPENDING IN A SMARTERWAY.

>> THE DEAL SETS GOVERNMENTFUNDING LEVELS JUST OVER

$1 TRILLIONFOR 2014 AND 2015 RIGHT BETWEEN

WHAT DEMOCRATS AND REPUBLICANSWANTED.

>> Jon: IT TOOK YOU GUYS THREEYEARS AND A GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN

TO COME UP WITH I DON'T KNOW WHYDON'T WE SPLIT THE DIFFERENCE.

EVEN THIS MOST BASIC OFERENCE.

COMPROMISES ISTOO MUCH FOR SOME.

>> I'LL RESERVE JUDGMENT UNTILWE READ IT.

I CAN TELL YOU MY VIEW BASED ONPRESS REPORTING.

MY SENSEIS IT

WILL MAKE IT HARDER FORAMERICANS TO ACHIEVE THE

AMERICAN DREAM.

>> Jon: I HAVE NOT READ THISTHING BUT

IT IS DESTROYING AMERICA.

I'M GOING TO RESERVE MYJUDGMENT BUT IT (bleep) SUCKS.

WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME WE EVENHAD A BUDGET?

>> THE LAST TIME CONGRESS PASSEDAN ACTUAL BUDGET WAS APRIL 29,

2009.

THAT WAS 1687 DAYS AGO.

BACK THEN A GALLON OF GAS COST ALITTLE MORE THAN $2.

PRESIDENT OBAMA HAS BEEN INOFFICE JUST 100 DAYS.

IT'S BEEN A WHILE BUT EASY ONTHE NOSTALGIA FRIEND.

IT WAS FOUR YEARS AGO.

JUMP IN THE WAY BACK MACHINEWITH ME AS WE HEAD FOR 2009.

TAYLOR SWIFT TOPPED THE CHARTSAS SHE STILL DOES BUT WITH A

DIFFERENT ALBUM AND AMERICANSFLOCKED BY THE MILLIONS TO SEE

HUGH JACKMAN AS WOLVERINE.

UNLIKE THIS YEAR WHEN MILLIONSFLOCKED TO SEE HIM IN "THE

WOLVERINE."

[LAUGHTER]SOME PEOPLE ARE NOT HAPPY BUT

IT'S BEEN SO LONG SINCE WE KNEWWHAT COMPROMISE WAS TO FEEL

LIKE.

>> THE DEMOCRATS WEIGHING INSAYING IT'S NOT PERFECT BUT THEY

CAN LIVE WITH IT.

>> Jon: EXACTLY.

IT'S A COMPROMISE. THERE'S NOVICTORY.

THERE'S NO SENSE OF GLORY.

IT'S LIKE BEING IN A BAR AT LASTCALL.

THE LIGHTS COME ON AND YOU LOOKAT EACH OTHER AND SAY, WELL, IF

WE COULD DO ANY BETTER, WEWOULDN'T BE HERE SO LET'S GO

(bleep) BEHIND A SONIC.

[ LAUGHTER ]I THOUGHT IN THAT LAUGH THERE

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