How Should We Feel About This?

  • Aired:  06/17/13
  •  | Views: 45,714

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad leaves his position as chief antagonist to the entire planet, but his legacy lives on in his crazy, crazy, crazy words. (6:22)

( LAUGHTER )

SO LET'S JUST MOVE ON.

LET'S JUST MOVE ON BECAUSE WE

CAN.

TO A MUCH LIGHTER SUBJECT, IRAN.

( LAUGHTER )

OUR MORTAL ENEMY, IRAN, THE

GREAT THREAT THE PONTIEST BIT OF

THE AXIS OF EVIL, RULED BY A

TINY CARTOON VILLAIN WITH AN

IRON GRIP ON POWER THAT HE WILL

NEVER RELINQUISH.

>> IN IRAN VOTERS ARE GOING TO

THE POLLS TODAY TO ELECT A NEW

PRESIDENT.

>> SIX CANDIDATES ARE VYING TO

REPLACE OUTGOING PRESIDENT

MAHMOUD AHMADINEJAD, WHO IS

BARRED FROM SEEK A THIRD

CONSECUTIVE TERM.

>> John: HOLD OHOLD ON.

SO THE MOST SERRIFYING SUPER

VILLAIN ON THE WORLD STAGE HAS

BEEN BROUGHT TO HIS KNEES BY

TERM LIMITS?

( LAUGHTER )

THAT MEANS HE TECHNICALLY HAD

LESS POWER THAN MICHAEL

BLOOMBERG.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

INCIDENTALLY, THAT IS A CONTRAST

THAT WOULD UPSET AHMADINEJAD FOR

SO MANY REASONS.

NOW, YOU MIGHT REMEMBER THE LAST

ELECTION IN 2009 IN IRAN DIDN'T

GO TOO WELL.

SO BRACE YOURSELF, EVERYONE.

>> IRAN HAS A NEW

PRESIDENT-ELECT, A MODERATE

CLERIC, NABBING MORE THAN 50% OF

THE VOTE.

>> John: WAIT, REALLY?

( LAUGHTER )

A MODERATE?

SO THE PEOPLE IN IRAN HAVE

SPOKEN, SUPREME LEADER AYATOLLAH

KHOMEINI'S DAYS ARE NUMBERS.

>> IT'S IRAN'S SUPREME COURT

LEADER WHO HAS ULTIMATE POWER

AND IT WAS HIS GUARDIAN COUNCIL

OF CLERICS WHO PREAPPROVED THE

SIX CANDIDATES.

>> John: I GET IT.

THESE DAYS ARE TECHNICALLY STILL

NUMBERED, JUST IN THE THOUSANDS.

YOU CAN IMAGINE WHAT IT MUST BE

LIKE TO VOTE IN AN ELECTION

WHERE THE CANDIDATES ARE

PREAPPROVED BY A SMALL HANDFUL

OF RELIGIOUS CONSERVATIVES WITH

VASTLY INFLATED POWER.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).

THAT WOULD BE SO FRUSTRATING.

IMAGINE HOW ANNOYING THAT WOULD

BE.

IT IS HARD FOR US IN AMERICA TO

KNOW HOW TO REACT TO THIS.

ON ONE HAND, THE IRANIAN PEOPLE

ONLY GOT TO CHOOSE FROM A

PREAPPROVED SELECTION OF

HARD-LINE CONSERVATIVES.

ON THE OTHER HAND, THEY CHOSE

THE MOST MODERATE ONE.

ON ONE HAND, THE THE IRANIAN

PEOPLE SEEM HAPPY, MARCHING AND

CHANTING IN THE STREETS.

ON THE OTHER HAND, AS FAR AS I

CAN TELL FROM WATCHING THE NEWS,

THAT IS KIND OF HOW THEY REACT

TO EVERYTHING.

( LAUGHTER )

THE BOTTOM LINE IS THIS--

WHENEVER THERE IS A DEMOCRATIC

ELECTION IN EYE COUNTRY WE'RE

NOT ENTIRELY ON GOOD TERMS WITH,

AMERICA GETS TO PLAY ITS

FAVORITE GAME--

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

AND TO ANSWER THAT IMPORTANT

QUESTION, LET'S CHECK IN WITH

OUR PANEL OF EXPERTS.

>> A TURNOUT OF MORE THAN 70%

SUGGESTS MANY EVENTUALLY CAME

OUT AND VOTED FOR ROUHANI.

>> THIS IS A CANDIDATE WHO CAME

IN AND INJECTED SOME OPTIMISM

AND HOPE THAT MAYBE IRAN CAN

IMPROVE ITS RELATIONS WITH THE

WEST.

>> John: YES, OF COURSE.

IT'S A GOOD THING, DEMOCRATIC

ELECTIONS, 72% TURNOUT.

THAT'S HUGE.

BASICALLY, EVERYONE NOT UNDER

HOUSE ARREST IN IRAN VOTED.

( LAUGHTER )

SO THAT'S DEFINITELY UNQUALIFIED

GOOD NEWS.

>> THIS IS A FAKE ELECTION AND A

FAKE DEMOCRACY.

LET'S NOT KID OURSELVES.

>> John: OKAY, I TAKE THAT

BACK.

( LAUGHTER )

A FAKE ELECTION IS NO GOOD.

WE IN AMERICA HAVE NO TOLERANCE

FOR FAKE THINGS.

WITH THE EXCEPTION OF CHEESE,

DESIGNER HANDBAGS AND BREASTS.

OR, OR, OR THE ULTIMATE AMERICAN

ACCESSORY, DESIGNER CHEESE

BOOTS.

( LAUGHTER )

( APPLAUSE )

THERE IS SOMETHING BOTH SEXY AND

NAUSEATING ABOUT THAT.

STILL, THERE IS ONE POSITIVE

ASPECT OF THIS ELECTION THAT WE

CAN ALL AGREE ON-- IRANIANS,

AMERICANS, EVEN ITOLANS, AND

THAT IS, THAT THIS GUY IS GONE,

THIS 56-YEAR-OLD WITH AN

IMPRESSIVE COMMITMENT TO THE

MEMBERS ONLY JACKET.

( LAUGHTER )

THIS-- THIS MAN WHO HAS A

Ph.D. IN TRAFFIC PLANNING--

THAT IS ACTUALLY TRUE.

HE IS A DOCTOR OF TRAFFIC,

ALTHOUGH, TO BE FAIR, MOST OF

THE TIME HIS ONLY SOLUTION IS TO

JUST DENY THE TRAFFIC JAM EVER

HAPPENED.

THE POINT IS--

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

THE POINT IS-- THE POINT IS HE

NOW LEAVES HIS POSITION AS CHIEF

ANTAGONIST TO THE ENTIRE PLANET.

BUT HE WILL LIVED ON IN HIS

WORDS, HIS CRAZY, CRAZY CRAZY

WORDS.

>> AHMADINEJAD LAUGHED ABOUT

TOPICS LIKE THE TORTURE OF HIS

OWN PEOPLE.

>> HE FAMOUSLY DENIED THE

HOLOCAUST.

>> SUGGESTING THAT 9/11 WAS AN

AMERICAN CONSPIRACY TO SOMEHOW

HELP ISRAEL.

>> IN IRAN WE DON'T HAVE

HOMOSEXUALS LIKE IN YOUR

COUNTRY.

>> I HEARD THAT OSAMA BIN LADEN

IS IN WASHINGTON, D.C.

>> NO, YOU DIDN'T.

( LAUGHTER )

>> John: I LIKE STEPHANOPOULOS

"OH, KNOW YOU DIDN'T."

OH, KNOW YOU DID NOT.

SO NOW WE OFFICIALLY RETIRE

AHMADINEJAD'S TAN MEMBERS ONLY

JACKET TO LIVE IN THE "DAILY

SHOW" RAFTERS ALONGSIDE THE

GARMENTS OF OTHER LUNATICS.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).

GADDAFI, MICHAEL JACKSON'S

COSTUME, AND KIM JONG IL'S

DINNER JACKET TO TAKE ITS PLACE

OF HONOR IN THE "DAILY SHOW"

HALL OF FAME.

SHINE ON, YOU CRAZY ( BLEEP ).

( LAUGHTER )

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

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