Campaign Closing Arguments

  • Aired:  10/23/12
  •  | Views: 54,882

John Oliver argues that Mitt Romney is a six-foot shaft with tiny balls for feet while Aasif Mandvi assures voters that Romney's closing pitch is whatever they want it to be. (4:25)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE).

>> Jon: WITH THE THIRD DEBATE

OUT OF THE WAY CAMPAIGN NOW

ENTERS ITS FINAL PHASE SO WE

TURN TO JOHN OLIVER AND AASIF

MANDVI, THEY'VE BEEN FOLLOWING

THE TWO CAMPAIGNS.

TIME FOR THE END GAME.

GENTLEMEN, HOW ARE YOU?

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

YOU TWO HAVE BEEN ON THE BUS

WITH BOTH CAMPAIGNS.

THESE CAMPAIGNS ARE FINALLY

MAKING THEIR CLOSING STATEMENTS

OF THIS ELECTION.

JOHN OLIVER, LET'S START WITH

YOU.

WHAT IS OBAMA CAMPAIGN'S CLOSING

SPEECH AND PITCH TO THE AMERICAN

PEOPLE?

>> SIMPLY THIS, JOHN.

THE OBAMA CAMP FEELS THE CHOICE

IS SIMPLE.

MAYBE OBAMA HASN'T BEEN THE

PRESIDENT YOU WANTED HIM TO BE.

PERHAPS HE DIDN'T MEET THE HIGH

EXPECTATIONS HE SET HIMSELF.

BUT THE OTHER GUY, JON, IS A

TOTAL DICK!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

I MEAN THAT.

JON, HE'S A SIX-FOOT SHAFT WITH

TINY BALLSES FOR FEET.

HE MAY NOT FIRE YOU HIMSELF BUT

YOU KNOW THAT WHEN HE'S LOOKING

AT YOU HE'S UNEMPLOYING YOU WITH

HIS EYES.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

NOW, IF YOU WILL EXCUSE ME, JON,

I'M GOING TO STARE AT AASIF

WHILE HE'S TALKING, THEREBY

DOMINATING HIM VISUALLY.

(LAUGHTER).

>> Jon: WELL, ALL RIGHT, SEEMS

LIKE A RELATIVELY LOW-BROW

CLOSING ARGUMENT FROM THE OBAMA

CAMPAIGN.

AASIF, YOU'VE BEEN WITH THE

ROMNEY CAMPAIGN.

WHAT'S THEIR CLOSING ARGUMENT?

>> WELL, WHAT DO YOU WANT IT TO

BE?

(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

LOOK, JON, UM, MITT ROMNEY HAS

BEEN RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT FOR

SEVEN YEARS.

THESE ARE TWO SHORT WEEKS LEFT

IN THE CAMPAIGN.

THE POLLS ARE NARROWING IN KEY

STATES.

HE JUST NEEDS TO PICK UP A FEW

MORE VOTES TO LOCK THIS THING

DOWN.

SO AT THIS POINT, HE REALLY

WANTS TO KNOW WHAT INDIVIDUALS

THINK SO HE CAN THINK IT, TOO.

BECAUSE, JON, HE REALLY, REALLY

WANTS TO BE PRESIDENT.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Jon: THAT DOES SEEM LIKE IF

I MAY SAY SO, AND I DON'T -- AND

I SEE WHAT YOU'RE DOING THERE,

JOHN.

A BREATH TAKINGLY CYNICAL

TACTIC.

>> YOU THINK SO?

(LAUGHTER)

>> Jon: I DO.

>> WELL, THEN MITT ROMNEY DOES,

TOO!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

HE ALWAYS HAS SINCE DAY ONE.

>> OH, COME ON, JON, HE'S JUST

BEING A DICK!

I'M TELLING YOU, SALT AND PEPPER

PUBIC HAIR.

REAL DICK!

REAL DICK!

>> Jon: I HATE TO SAY THIS BUT

BY CALLING EVERYONE A DICK ALL

THE TIME I THINK THE OBAMA

CAMPAIGN'S CLOSING ARGUMENT

COMES ACROSS A LITTLE DICKISH,

QUITE FRANKLY.

>> NO, NO, NO, YOU CAN'T CALL

THEM A DICK FOR CALLING OUT A

DICK, JON.

YOU CAN'T CALL DOUBLE-DICK.

(LAUGHTER)

YOU CAN'T DO IT.

>> THAT'S RIDICULOUS.

>> IT IS RIDICULOUS, JON.

IT'S NOT THE KIND OF VALUES

GOVERNOR ROMNEY GREW UP WITH AS

A LOST JEWISH KID IN CENTRAL

JERSEY.

>> Jon: WHAT?

WAIT!

WHAT?

>> GOVERNOR ROMNEY LEARNED

DURING HIS DAYS LISTENING TO

BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN IN A --

>> Jon: WHAT?

>> IN A HAZE OF POT SMOKE

DREAMING OF BECOMING A STAND UP

COMEDIAN.

>> Jon: OH, MY GOD!

THAT'S JUST LIKE MY LIFE.

I DIDN'T KNOW ROMNEY WAS SO

RELATABLE!

>> JON, YOU SEE WHAT HE'S DOING!

THIS ISN'T A QUESTION OF

ROMNEY'S BIOGRAPHY, THIS IS

ABOUT HARD EXPERIENCE.

YOU'VE HEARD THE PRESIDENT, HE'S

BEEN EVERYWHERE.

FROM PAH-KEE-STAHN, TO

BRA-SEE-O, TO (SOUTHERN ACCENT)

SOUTH CAROLINA AND OF COURSE

(SOUTHERN ACCENT)

AUSTRALIA.

>> Jon: (LAUGHS)

THAT'S HOW AUSTRALIANS SAY

AUSTRALIA?

>> THEY DO IF THEY'RE FROM SOUTH

CAROLINA, JON, YES.

>> Jon: PRONOUNCING THESE

DIFFERENT REGIONS LIKE YOU'RE A

SOPHOMORE JUST BACK FROM A

SEMESTER ABROAD IS PRETENTIOUS.

IT'S A LITTLE DICKISH.

>> JON, THIS IS NO TIME FOR NAME

CALLING AND, IN FACT, GOVERNOR

ROMNEY UNDERSTANDS JOHN OLIVER'S

FRUSTRATION.

(LAUGHTER)

IT'S A FEELING THAT'S BEEN

NAGGING AT HIM SINCE HE WAS A

SCRAPPY LITTLE STREET RAT

SELLING PAPERS FOR TUPPENCE IN

CHITTANY SQUARE.

CAN.

(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Jon: WHAT?

>> (IN A COCKNEY ACCENT) THAT'S

THE LIFE WOT I LIVED!

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