Indecision 2012 - No Really, They Can't Decide

  • Aired:  11/17/11
  •  | Views: 166,561

The media declares Newt Gingrich the Republican front-runner, which means they'll soon be revealing new reasons for why he sucks. (5:32)

COMEDY CENTRAL

>> Jon: HEY, EVERYBODY!

WELCOME TO THE "DAILY SHOW."

MY NAME IS JON STEWART.

MAN, DO WE HAVE A GOOD ONE

TONIGHT.

MY GUEST, MARTIN SCORSESE.

I'M GOING TO GET RIGHT TO.

WE BEGIN TONIGHT-- HE'LL BE OUT

HERE.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

WE BEGIN TONIGHT WITH THE

REPUBLICAN RACE FOR THE WHITE

HOUSE AND A SURPRISING NEW

DEVELOPMENT.

>> NEWT GINGRICH IS SURGING IN

THE POLLS.

>> MR. GINGRICH AT 32%.

ROMNEY 19.

CAIN 13.

>> Jon: STUNNING.

AND NOT JUST BECAUSE GINGRICH IS

WHAT YOU WOULD DIPLOMATICALLY

REFER TO AS...

LIKEABILITY CHALLENGED.

( LAUGHTER )

( APPLAUSE )

BUT BECAUSE IN MAY OF THIS YEAR,

HIS CAMPAIGN WAS DECLARED DEAD.

>> IT KEEPS GETTING WORSE AND

WORSE FOR NEWT GINGRICH.

>> IT NEWT FINISHES.

>> CHARLES KRAUTHAMMER, JUST IN

TWO WORDS.

>> HE'S DONE.

>> IT IS NOW FUNCTIONALLY OVER

FOR GINGRICH.

>> Jon: CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

WHEN NEWT GINGRICH WAS ON HIS

DEATH BED, THE MEDIA JUST

DIVORCED THEMSELVES FROM HIM.

WHO DOES SOMETHING LIKE THAT?

( LAUGHTER )

BUT THAT'S THE POLITICAL MEDIA.

THEY CARE ABOUT TWO THINGS-- ARE

YOU ANYTHING TO WIN EAR ARE YOU

DEAD?"

BACHMANN GOT A TASTE OF IT BACK

IN JULY.

>> LOOK WHO IS SURGING NOW.

>> MICHELE BACHMANN ROCKETS UP

THE RANKS.

>> MICHELE BACHMANN.

>> LET'S FACE IT, MICHELE

BACHMANN HAS BEEN SURGING IN

EVERY SINGLE POLL.

>> Jon: AT THIS PACE, BY

THE TIME OF THE ELECTION, SHE'LL

BE AT 5,000%.

SHE CAN'T GO WRONG.

BUT, SADLY, NOT TWO MONTHS

LATER.

>> IS IT OVER FOR MICHELE

BACHMANN?

>> THAT THE END FOR MICHELE

BACHMANN?

>> IT'S PROBABLY CURTAINS FOR

HER

( LAUGHTER ).

>> Jon: YES, IT'S AMAZING

WHAT PAYING ATTENTION TO A

CANDIDATE CAN DO TO THEIR

CANDIDACY.

WITH THE DEATH OF HER CAMPAIGN,

WHO WILL RISE TO COMPLETE THE

CIRCLE OF PROLIFE?

>> TEXAS GOVERNOR RICK PERRY,

JUMPING INTO THE LEAD AS NEW

REPUBLICAN FRONT-RUNNER.

>> Jon: PRESIDENT PERRY!

IT IS ON THIS DAY, AUGUST 31,

2011, THAT I INAUGURATE RICK

PERRY, THE 45th PRESIDENT OF

THESE UNITED STATES.

>> THIS DOG DON'T HUNT.

RICK PERRY IS FINISHED.

HE'S OUT.

( LAUGHTER )

( APPLAUSE )

>> Jon: OH,.

PRESIDENT PERRY, WE HARDLY KNEW

YE.

SO WE STAND ONCE AGAIN ALONE,

WITH OUR BOULDER AT THE BOTTOM

OF THE HILL.

HOPEFULLY, THIS BOULDER DOESN'T

HAVE THE "N" WORD ON IT, BUT...

( APPLAUSE )

WHO WILL PUSH IT UP FOR US NOW?

>> LATEST POLL JUST OUT FROM

QUINNIPIAC UNIVERSITY DESCRIBE

HERMAN CAIN'S RISE TO THE TOP AS

"METERRIC."

>> Jon: ALL HAIL KING CAIN!

WHAT HAPPENS TO MEET WHORS THEY

HIT THE EARTH'S ATMOSPHERE?

>> IS THIS THE END OF THE ROAD

FOR HERK AN CAIN.

>> STICK A FORK IN THE PIZZA

GUY.

>> Jon: HOW MANY TIMES DO I

HAVE TO TELL YOU PEOPLE-- YOU DO

NOT EAT PIZZA WITH A ( BLEEP )

FORK

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

YOU FOLD IT, YOU STUFF IT, AND

YOU KEEP ONE HAND FREE TO GO GET

THE ( BLEEP ) AWAY.

SO THE NAMES OF THE FALLEN SOUND

OUT, BACHMANN, PERRY, CAIN.

PERHAPS RON PAUL WILL NOW GET

HIS SHOT AS THE MEDIA

FRONT-RUNNER.

>> RON PAUL HAS NO CHANCE OF

BEING ELECTED.

( LAUGHTER )

>> Jon: HIS POLL NUMBERS

ACTUALLY HAVE BEEN CONSISTENT,

NOT MERCURIAL, AND--

>> HE'S GOT NO CHANCE.

>> Jon: YOU'VE GIVEN

EVERYONE ELSE A CHANCE.

FORGOD'S SAY, A WOMAN WHO NEVER

ENTERED THE RACE, SARAH PALIN,

GOT MORE HEAT FROM THE MEDIA.

>> IF YOU GET VIDEO OF SARAH

PALIN, OR GET A SOUNDBITE FROM

HER, BRING THAT BACK TO US.

YOU CAN HOLD THE RON PAUL STUFF.

>> Jon: UHHH... UHHH.

THE THOUGHT OF COVERING HIM

AMUSES ME.

( LAUGHTER )

YEAH.

I WISH MY--

( APPLAUSE )

SO THE MEDIA HAS BASICALLY

DECLARED ALL FOUR OF THOSE OTHER

CANDIDATES DEAD, YET SOMEHOW THE

ZOMBIES CONTINUE TO BE ALLOWED

TO THE PODIUM.

YOU KNOW WHY THAT FREAKS ME OUT?

THESE PEOPLE DON'T EVEN KNOW

THEY'RE DEAD

( LAUGHTER )

IT'S LIKE THE ENTIRE REPUBLICAN

PRIMARY IS SOME TYPE OF

N. KNIGHT SHAMALAN PICTURE.

YOU ARE GETTING BETTER AT

CONDENSING THE STORY LINES.

BACHMANN AND PERRY GOT TO BATHE

IN THE SPOTLIGHT OF BEING THE

FRONT-RUNNER LIKE TWO MONTHS

EACH.

EVEN CAIN GOT A MONTH BEFORE

THEY DECLARED HIM DEAD.

SO NOW, YESTERDAY, NEWT GINGRICH

IS DECLARED YOUR FRONT-RUNNER,

WHICH MEANS WE'LL SOON BE

FINDING OUT NEW REASONES YES HE

SUCKS.

>> NEWT GINGRICH, HE'S BEING

DOGGED BY A REPORT THAT HE

EARNED $1.6 MILLION CONSULTING

FOR MORTGAGE GIANT FREDDIE MAC.

>> Jon: WHOA!

GIVE IT TO THEM STRAIGHT, DOC.

HOW LONG'S HE GOT?

>> HE'S DEAD ON ARRIVAL.

>> I DON'T KNOW IF HE'LL SURVIEF

THIS.

>> IT IS CORRUPTION.

>> Jon: JACK ABRAMOFF JUST

CALLED YOU CORRUPT.

JACK ABRAMOFF CALLED YOU

CORRUPT.

( LAUGHTER )

THAT'S LIKE THE POPE TELLING

YOU, YOU'VE GOT A NICE HOUSE.

( LAUGHTER )

SORRY, NEWT, YOU'RE OUT.

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