Comptrol Freak

  • Aired:  07/17/13
  •  | Views: 33,849

Eliot Spitzer begins his Hugh Grant memorial prostitution apology tour, and Anthony Weiner panders to gay voters. (6:31)

>> John: WELCOME TO "THE DAILY

SHOW."

I AM JOHN OLIVER.

JON STEWART, I'M AFRAID, STILL

NOT HERE.

HE IS CURRENTLY WAITING TO

EMERGE FROM KATE MIDDLETON'S

VAGINA.

PUSH, PRINCESS, PUSH!

OUR GUEST TONIGHT, AUTHOR OF THE

NEW LOOK "ZEALOT" ABOUT THE LIFE

OF JESUS, THE FANTASTIC REZA

ALSAN IS WITH US.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

>> John: YES, INDEED, YES,

INDEED.

FRIEND OF THE SHOW.

BUT WE START TONIGHT IN NEW YORK

CITY, WHERE IT IS SO HOT AND

THIS IS A TRUE STORY, THAT ON MY

WAY TO WORK THIS MORNING, I SAW

A SQUIRREL STAB A PIGEON OVER A

PIECE OF ICE.

[LAUGHTER]

IT IS SO HOT HERE, YOU CAN COOK

AN EGG ON THE SIDEWALK, ASSUMING

THAT YOU LIKE YOUR EGGS OVER

HEPATITIS.

[LAUGHTER]

SERIOUSLY, IT IS UNBELIEVABLY

[BLEEPED] HOT HERE.

NOW, TO TAKE OUR MINDS OFF THE

HEAT, WE HAVE A VERY EXCITING

ELECTION LOOMING IN THE CITY,

AND THIS IS WHY TONIGHT WE'RE

GOING TO START OFF OUR SPECIAL

CAMPAIGN COVERAGE.

♪♪

♪♪

YES, OH YES.

[APPLAUSE]

THAT'S THE BIG QUESTION.

WHO WILL BE THE NEXT NEW YORK

CITY COMPTROLLER?

I'M ACTUALLY BEING TOLD THAT

IT'S PRONOUNCED "CONTROLLER."

I'M NOW BEING TOLD THAT THAT'S

MATTER OF SOME LINGUISTIC

DISPUTE.

[LAUGHTER]

I'M NOW BEING TOLD THAT

ABSOLUTELY NOBODY CARES HOW IT'S

PRONOUNCED BECAUSE IT'S THE MOST

BORING JOB ON THE PLANET.

NOW, A WEEK AGO IT WAS ALL BUT

CERTAIN THAT THE POSITION WOULD

BE FILLED BY MANHATTAN BOROUGH

PRESIDENT SCOTT SOMEBODY OR

OTHER.

NOBODY KNOWS.

IT DOESN'T MATTER.

AND A WEEK AGO IT WAS ALSO ALL

BUT CERTAIN THAT THERE WAS NO

WAY THAT WE WOULD BE COVERING

THIS RACE ON THIS SHOW, BUT THEN

THIS HAPPENED.

>> THE FORMER NEW YORK

DEMOCRATIC GOVERNOR ELIOT

SPITZER IS TRYING FOR A

COMEBACK.

HE LAUNCHED A PETITION CAMPAIGN

TODAY IN A BID TO BECOME NEW

YORK CITY'S COMPTROLLER.

>> John: THAT'S RIGHT, ELIOT

SPITZER IS RUNNING FOR OFFICE

AGAIN, AND I'VE GOT TO SAY, THAT

IS A BOLD MOVE FOR MAN STILL

LIVING DOWN THE HIDEOUS,

EMBARRASSING, CAREER-KILLING

INCIDENT WHERE HE AND A... I

DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO SAY THIS.

YOU MUST REMEMBER, HE CO-HOSTED

A CNN SHOW WITH KATHLEEN PARKER.

[LAUGHTER]

THE SHAME HE PUT HIS FAMILY

THROUGH.

OH, AND OF COURSE THERE WAS ALSO

THAT THING WHEN HE BANGED A

BUNCH OF PROSTITUTES WITH HIS

SOCKS ON.

IT'S BECAUSE OF THAT LAST LITTLE

SEXUAL SNAFU THAT SPITZER KICKED

OFF HIS CAMPAIGN BY GOING ON JAY

LENO FOR HIS OFFICIAL HUGH GRANT

MEMORIAL PROSTITUTE APOLOGY

TOUR.

>> HOW DID YOU MAKE THIS BIG A

BLUNDER?

>> BIG A BLUNDZER?

THAT'S A VERY NICE WAY OF

PUTTING IT.

BUT I DON'T THINK BLUPSDER IS

THE RIGHT WORD.

THERE IT'S NOT LIKE SPITZER

ACCIDENTALLY TRIPPED AND FELL

DONG FIRST INTO A PROSTITUTE ON

AT LEAST EIGHT SEPARATE

OCCASIONS, BUT SPITZER MADE IT

CLEAR THAT HE WOULD RATHER FOCUS

ON WHAT HE DID RIGHT.

>> MY NAME CAME UP IN A FEDERAL

INVESTIGATION ABOUT PEOPLE WHO

HAD BEEN SEEING CLIENTS OF A

PROSTITUTION RING, AND WHEN THIS

BECAME EVIDENT, I IMMEDIATELY

RESIGNED.

I SAID, LOOK, MY CAREER AS

ATTORNEY GENERAL WAS PREDICATED

ON THE NOTION OF THE THINGS I'D

DONE WITH WALL STREET AND

ELSEWHERE, ACCOUNTABILITY.

AND I SAID, THAT IS A STANDARD

AND SOMETHING I BELIEVE IN.

>> John: YES, TRUE, THAT

REALLY DOES ILLUSTRATE PERFECTLY

HOW IMPORTANT ACCOUNTABILITY IS

TO ELIOT SPITZER, BECAUSE HE

RESIGNED THE MOMENT HE GOT

CAUGHT.

[LAUGHTER]

AS SOON AS HE REALIZED THAT

OTHER PEOPLE HAD REALIZED HE WAS

DOING SOMETHING WRONG, HE

ACCEPTED THE CONSEQUENCES.

AND HE FELL ON HIS SWORD, EIGHT

TIMES INTO PROSTITUTES.

[LAUGHTER]

NOW, SPITZER'S... LOOK, CLEARLY

SPITZER HAS GOT HIS WORK CUT OUT

FOR HIM HERE.

BUT MAYBE HE'LL BE OKAY AS LONG

AS HIS OPPONENTS ARE WILLING TO

FOCUS ON THE ISSUES RATHER THAN

ON HIS PAST MISTAKES.

>> AND GET THIS, SPITZER IS

CHALLENGED FOR THE POST BY

LIBERTARIAN KRISTIN DAVIS, WHO

SAYS SHE WAS THE MADAM WHO

SUPPLIED HIM WITH ESCORTS.

>> OH, BOY.

REALLY?

HE'S RUNNING?

I WILL SAY, SHE REALLY IS THE

CLASSIC ARCHETYPAL SEXY

LIBERTARIAN.

TAKES OFF HER GLASSES, SHAKES

OUT HER HAIR AND WON'T PAY HER

TAXES, OH, YEAH!

INCIDENTALLY, IT SHOWS JUST HOW

STRANGE THIS CAMPAIGN IS THAT IN

THE RACE TO DECIDE WHO WOULD BE

BEST SUITED TO MAKE FINANCIAL

DECISIONS FOR NEW YORK CITY, THE

SERIOUS CANDIDATE IS THE GUY WHO

SPENT $4,000 FOR ONE SESSION

WITH A HOOKER RATHER THAN THE

WOMAN WHO FIGURED OUT THAT HE

WOULD PAY IT.

WAIT, HOLD ON, HOLD ON, WAIT A

SECOND.

SERIOUS CANDIDATE?

NEW YORK CITY?

WHY IS THIS REMINDING ME OF

SOMETHING?

>> IF SPITZER MAKES SEPTEMBER'S

PRIMARY, HE'LL BE ON THE BALLOT

WITH FORMER DEMOCRATIC

CONGRESSMAN ANTHONY WEINER, WHO

IS ALSO TRYING TO MAKE A

COMEBACK FROM A SEX SCANDAL.

HE'S RUNNING FOR THE MAYOR OF

NEW YORK.

>> John: THAT'S IT!

ANTHONY WEINER.

I REMEMBER HIM.

WASN'T HE THE HUMAN BEING

ATTACHED TO THAT PENIS THAT WE

ALL SAW PICTURES OF?

YEAH, I REMEMBER HIM NOW.

THE MAN WHOSE NAME IS SO PERFECT

FOR THE SCANDAL HE WAS CAUGHT UP

IN, IT RECINSDLED MY FAITH IN

GOD.

[LAUGHTER]

THIS WAS MAN WHO LITERALLY

[BLEEPED] BLOCKED HIS OWN

CAREER, AND HE'S RUNNING FOR

MAYOR, AND UNLIKE ELIOT SPITZER,

HE'S...

[LAUGHTER]

YES.

UNLIKE... YES.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

I'M GUESSING, KNOWING THE

INTERNET, THOSE WILL BE

AVAILABLE FOR SALE TOMORROW.

[LAUGHTER]

UNLIKE ELIOT SPITZER, HE'S DOING

IT THE MORE TRADITIONAL BIG

APPLE WAY: GREETING NEW YORKERS

AT THE ISRAEL DAY PARADE AND

ALSO AT THE GAY PRIDE PARADE

WHERE HE RECEIVED AN

ENTHUSIASTIC RECEPTION.

>> WEINER, WEINER, WEINER!

[LAUGHTER]

>> John: WHAT HE DIDN'T KNOW

WAS THAT NONE OF THOSE MEN

CHANTING "WEINER" WERE ACTUALLY

AWARE THAT HE WAS MARCHING.

AND BY THE WAY, CONGRESSMAN,

MAYBE TONE DOWN THE PANDERING

JUST A LITTLE BIT.

THAT FLAG IS SO BIG IT LOOKS

LIKE HE'S ABOUT TO PLANT IT ON

THE

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