Olbertunity Knocks

  • Aired:  02/03/11
  •  | Views: 191,240

Raising a Keith Olbermann replacement from scratch at Olberclone Farm is a human experiment that is as diabolical as it is genius. (4:57)

(LAUGHTER)

WARM.

IT'S BEEN OVER A WEEK SINCE

KEITH OLBERMANN AND MSNBC PARTED

WAYS LEAVING AN OBER MAN-SHAPED

HOLE IN OUR NATIONAL DISCOURSE.

WHO ON THEIR NETWORK WILL STEP

INTO THE BREACH?

WE FIND OUT IN OUR NEW SEGMENT

"OLBERTUNITY KNOCKS."

>> HAVE YOU NO SENSE OF DECENCY,

SIR?

>> Jon: THE MOST OFTEN CONTENDER

RACHEL MAD DOE.

PASSIONATE, LIBERAL.

CHECK.

GLASSES.

CHECK.

RAILS MERCILESSLY AGAINST ALL

HER OPPOSE HER VIEW POINT.

>> RICHARD COHEN AUTHOR OF THE

BOOK "COMING OUT STRAIGHT,

UNDERSTANDING AND HEALING

HOMOSEXUALITY."

MR. COHEN, THANK YOU VERY MUCH

FOR BEING WITH US TONIGHT.

I APPRECIATE YOUR TIME.

>> THANK YOU FOR HAVING ME

RACHEL.

>> Jon: WHAT WAS THAT?

(LAUGHTER)

WHAT PART OF YOU DISAGREE WITH

THIS PERSON DON'T YOU GET?

WATCH AND LEARN, MADDOW.

>> THE LEADING TERRORIST GROUP

IN THIS COUNTRY RIGHT NOW IS THE

REPUBLICAN PARTY.

>> KARL ROVE IS AN IDIOT.

A MONKEY POSING AS A NEWSCASTER.

THE TOTAL MINDLESS OR INLY

BANKRUPT KNEE JERK HATRED

WITHOUT WHICH MICHELLE MALKIN

WOULD BE A BIG BASHED UP BAG OF

MEAT WITH LIPSTICK ON IT.

(AUDIENCE REACTS)

(LAUGHTER)

>> Jon: YEAH, THAT'S THE STUFF!

(LAUGHTER)

ALL RIGHT, SHE CAN'T DO IT.

ANYBODY ELSE GONNA STEP UP?

>> I HAVE SAID BEFORE THAT SHE

HAS ZOMBIE-LIKE QUALITIES.

I CALL HEAR BALLOON HEAD FOR A

REASON.

I THINK SHE'S A BALLOON HEAD.

YOU HAVE TO USE THE WORD

"BALLOON HEAD."

BALLOON HEAD.

BALLOON HEAD.

SHE'S A BALLOON HEAD.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Jon: IT'S GOOD, BUT I THINK

YOU MAY HAVE TO COME UP WITH

MORE THAN ONE INSULT.

AND NOT FOR NOTHING, JUDGING BY

THE SIZE OF YOUR CRANIUM...

(LAUGHTER)

... I WOULD GO WITH AN INSULT

YOU YOURSELF DO NOT SUFFER FROM.

(LAUGHTER)

PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN HELIUM

HOUSES...

(LAUGHTER)

WHAT ABOUT THE GUY WHO GOT

KEITH'S OLD TIME SLOT, LAWRENCE

O'DONNELL?

LET'S SEE HOW HE'S DOING.

>> SOMETHING MUST BE DONE ABOUT

THE BULLET CAPACITY OF THESE

WEAPONS BUT NEWSPAPERS FROM THE

"NEW YORK TIMES" TO THE....

>> Jon: ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT,

SLOW TALKER.

GUYS, OLER MAN WAS A FIVE POOL

PLAYER, WAGE, EGO, WIT,

SCHOLARSHIP.

AFTER YOU DELIVER A RANT, I WANT

TO FEEL LIKE YOU NEED TWO WEEKS

OFF AND A BLOOD TRANSFUSION.

THAT THING THAT I SAID.

(LAUGHTER)

IS THERE NO ONE ON MSNBC THAT

CAN SHOULDER THIS OLBER-BURDEN?

>> EVERYTHING YOU JUST SAID TO

ME IS FALSE!

GET THIS IDIOT OFF MY RADIO

SHOW!

>> Jon: WHAT WAS THAT?

>> YOU'RE TOO STUPID TO READ!

(LAUGHTER)

>> Jon: THIS SOUNDS PROMISING.

IT'S ED SCHULTZ HOST OF THE

CREATIVELY NAMED "ED SHOW."

WHAT'S HE GOT TO OFFER?

>> THE REPUBLICANS LIE!

I KNOW WHAT THEY WANT TO DO.

THEY WANT TO TAKE DOWN AMERICAN

WORKERS.

THEY WANT TO OUTSOURCE JOBS.

THEY WANT TO SEE YOU DEAD!

I WILL FIGHT THESE BASTARDS

EVERY NIGHT AT 6:00.

THEY'D RATHER MAKE MONEY OFF

YOUR DEAD CORPSE!

(LAUGHTER)

>> Jon: YES, ONLY ED SCHULTZ CAN

HELP RID AMERICA OF NECK ROE

FEEL YAK PIMPS.

(LAUGHTER)

STILL, THOUGH, GREAT ENERGY.

I LOVE THE RAGE, I LOVE TO SIGH

THE INSULTS MORE PERSONAL.

BUT IN A MORE SELF-UNAWARE WAY.

>> REPUBLICAN GOVERNOR OF NEW

JERSEY CHRIS CHRISTIE, I MEAN,

THIS GUY IS NOTHING BUT A BIG

BULLY.

HE'S A COLD-HEARTED FAT SLOB

ANYWAY.

THE BOTTOM LINE IS THAT WHEN HE

DOESN'T LIKE WHAT HE HEARS, HE

ACCUSES THE OTHER SIDE OF

SHOUTING.

IT'S A TYPICAL, TYPICAL

RIGHT-WING APPROACH TO THE

COMPETITION.

>> Jon: YES.

IF THERE'S ONE THING MR. SCHULTZ

CAN'T STAND IT'S A HEAVY-SET MAN

SHOUTING AT YOU.

(LAUGHTER)

I GUESS IF THERE WAS EVER A SHOW

CALLED "OLBERMANN'S ID" HE COULD

HAVE THAT.

IT'S CLEAR MSNBC DID NOT PLAN

FOR THE EVENTUALITY OF OLER

MAN'S DEPARTURE.

TO TRULY BE ASSURE OF A

RIGHTFULARY ONE WOULD HAVE TO

RAISE THE BROADCASTER FROM

SCRATCH, BEEF FROM THE FINALEST

COWS, VINEGAR FROM THE SOUREST

GROUPS AND A HUMAN EXPERIMENT AS

DIABOLICAL AS IT IS GENIUS.

TO THE OLBER-FARM!

YES!

(CHILDREN SHOUTING)

>> HAVE YOU NO SHAME?

HAVE YOU NO SHAME?

>> IT'S A BASIC SOCIAL CAUSE!

>> Jon: (LAUGHS)

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