Citizen Can't

  • Aired:  05/17/11
  •  | Views: 61,764

The Daily Show stands to lose a lot of money if Donald Trump drops out of the presidential race. (5:02)

AS WE ALL NOW KNOW, JUST

YESTERDAY DONALD TRUMP ANNOUNCED

AT THE NBC FALL SCHEDULE

UNVEILING THAT HE WOULD NOT BE

SEEKING THE OFFICE OF THE

PRESIDENCY.

HIS ANNOUNCEMENTS FOLLOWED

QUICKLY BY THE ANNOUNCEMENT THAT

AMANDA PEET WILL BE GOING TO

SERIES.

BOTH IMPORTANT.

LUCKILY TRUMP DID NOT ALLOW THE

OBJECTIVE REALITY OF HIS FAILED

PRESIDENTIAL RUN TO DAMPEN HIS

IMAGINARY PRESIDENTIAL VICTORY.

>> THIS DECISION DOES NOT COME

EASILY WITHOUT REGRET,

ESPECIALLY WHEN MY POTENTIAL

CANDIDACY CONTINUES TO BE

VALIDATED BY THE RANKING AT THE

TOP OF THE REPUBLICAN CONTENDERS

IN POLLS ACROSS THE COUNTRY.

I MAINTAIN THE STRONG CONVICTION

THAT IF I WERE TO RUN, I WOULD

BE ABLE TO WIN THE PRIMARY.

I LOVE THIS GUY.

AND ULTIMATELY THE GENERAL

ELECTION.

>> Jon: I VERY EASILY COULD

HAVE BECOME THE LEADER OF THE

FREE WORLD, RESTORED AMERICA'S

STATUS ABROAD AND SUCH AND SUCH,

BUT I REALIZED I CAN DO FOR MORE

GOOD AND MANKIND BUILDING

UPSCALE GOLF COURSES AND

CONDOMINIUMS IN THE GREATER

TRI-STATE AREA AS WELL AS

KEEPING MEATLOAF ON THE STRAIGHT

AND NARROW.

MR. TRUMP, I CAN'T HELP BUT

THINK YOU LEFT THE RACE TOO

SOON.

YOU RAISED SO MANY QUESTIONS,

LIKE WHAT DID YOUR CRACK TEAM OF

INVESTIGATORS FIND IN HAWAII?

>> I HAVE PEOPLE WHO HAVE BEEN

STUDYING IT, AND THEY CANNOT

BELIEVE WHAT THEY'RE FINDING.

>> YOU HAVE PEOPLE DOWN THERE IN

HAWAII SEARCHING?

>> ABSOLUTELY.

THEY CANNOT BELIEVE WHAT THEY'RE

FINDING.

>> Jon: YOU NEVER TOLD US.

[LAUGHTER]

WILL WE BELIEVE IT?

WAS IT AN AMULET?

A CURSED AM YOU LET THAT MAKES

THE WEARER BELIEVE HE HAS

INFORMATION THAT DOESN'T

ACTUALLY EXIST?

[LAUGHTER]

IT'S NOT JUST THE COUNTRY THAT

YOU'RE LETTING DOWN, IT'S YOU.

YOU'RE LETTING DONALD TRUMP

DOWN.

YOU KNOW, A GREAT MAN ONCE SAID

WHEN IT BECAME CLEAR SHE WOULD

RATHER WALK AWAY FROM HER

SUPPORT ROLE AS THEY TRIED TO

CREATE A SAY DOG SHAMPOOING

BUSINESS THAT SHE WOULD RATHER

WALK AWAY THAN CONTINUE TO

WATTLE THE TERRIBLE PERSON THAT

IS STAR JONES.

>> YOU SHOULDN'T QUIT.

IF YOU QUIT, IT'S GOING TO

FOLLOW YOU FOR THE REST OF YOUR

LIFE.

>> THEY'RE SAYING TO WALK AWAY.

>> YOU WENT THIS FAR.

FOR YOU TO QUIT IS STUPID.

>> YOU'RE FIRED AND YOU'RE A

QUITTER AND STAR JONES KICKED

YOUR ASS WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR

NOT.

[LAUGHTER]

>> Jon: WELL, DONALD, IT

APPEARS THE NANNY LEAKER HAS

BECOME THE NANNY LEAKY.

YOU QUIT.

YOU HAD US ALL CONVINCED YOU

WOULD TAKE OIL FROM LIBYA AND

IRAQ AND MAKE THE CHINESE SUCK

YOUR GIANT GOLD BALLS.

TURNS OUT YOU JUST HAVE ALUMINUM

FOIL PAINTED GOLD BALLS.

PROBABLY CHOCOLATE INSIDE.

HIGH QUALITY CHOCOLATE.

THEY'RE MORE LIKE FERRER0

ROCCHER BALLS WITH A LITTLE

HAZELNUT.

DON'T QUIT.

LOOK, DONALD, WE WENT IN WAY

OVER OUR HEADS BANKING ON YOUR

RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT.

WE SPENT $450 MILLION WE DON'T

HAVE BUILD "THE DAILY

ANTHENAEUM" SHE'S DONALD TRUMP

PRESIDENTIAL JOKE HEADQUARTERS.

WE WERE JUST A WEEK AWAY FROM

COMPLETING THE PROJECT WITH ITS

FINAL TOUCHES.

THAT'S REALITY BETTEN GOLDEN

ALPACA FUR.

WE HAD A WHOLE TEAM SWEEP IT UP

LIKE THAT.

I WAITED MY WHOLE LIFE FAR

PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE LIKE YOU,

A MIX OF ARROGANCE WITH LACK OF

FILTER AND EASILY EXPLOITABLE

PHYSICAL TRAITS.

SERIOUSLY.

LOOK AT YOU.

YOU LOOK LIKE THE OFFSPRING OF

IF LOU DOBBS AND JIM CRAMER

[BLEEPED] A MUPPET.

[LAUGHTER]

NO ONE WANTED YOU TO BE

PRESIDENT.

WE JUST WANTED TO WATCH YOU RUN.

BUT IF YOU WON'T LISTEN TO ME,

PERHAPS YOU'LL LISTEN TO THIS

LITTLE BOY I FOUND BREATHING

STEAM IN FRONT OF THE DINER EACH

MORNING WHERE I BREAKFAST.

"PLEASE, SIR, PLEASE, CAN WE

HAVE SOME MORE."

I'M SORRY, LITTLE BOY, IT'S

OVER.

>> IT CAN'T BE OVER, JON,

BECAUSE I PURCHASED SOME THINGS

ALREADY WITH THE TRUMP JOKE

BONUS MONEY THAT YOU PROMISED

ME.

>>

>> Jon: JOHN, I TOLD YOU NOT

TO GET ANYTHING.

>> I JUST MADE SOME REAL ESTATE

PURCHASES, JON, RELAX.

I USED AFTER LAST DOLLAR OF THE

CROTCH MONSTER 5,000, MY NEW JET

SKI, JON.

>> Jon: WHO IS THAT GIRL ON

THE BACK OF YOUR JET SKI?

>> I DON'T KNOW.

SHE CAME WITH THE JET SKI.

THE POINT, IS I'M BROKE, JON.

I EVEN HAD TO SELL THE FINGERS

ON MY GLOVES.

>> Jon: PULL YOURSELF

TOGETHER, OLIVER.

>> I'M SORRY.

>> Jon: GOD DAMMIT, TRUMP,

LOOK WHAT YOU'RE DOING.

RUN, FOR GOD'S SAKE, RUN.

AMERICA NEEDS YOU.

>> RUN, PLEASE, PLE

Loading...