The Empire Takes Back

  • Aired:  03/25/14
  •  | Views: 30,844

The G8 disinvites Russia from their parties, and President Obama offers a less-than-reassuring take on American security concerns. (5:06)

>> Jon: WELCOME TO THE SHOW.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]"THE DAILY SHOW" MY GUEST

TONIGHT AMY YATES WUELFING ANDBUTTHOLE SURFERS LEAD GIBBY

HAYNES THE AUTHOR ANDSUBJECT OF A NEW

BOOK ABOUT LEGENDARY NEW JERSEYPUNK CLUB CITY

GARDENS WHERE RUMOR HAS IT THESHOWS WERE AMAZING AND THE

BARTENDERS WERE SARCASTICVIRGINS.

[LAUGHTER]BUT FIRST WE'RE GONNA CHECK IN

WITH THE SITUATIONIN EASTERN EUROPE.

LAST TIME WE LOOKED VLADMIRPUTIN WAS INSISTING RUSSIA HAD

NO SOLDIERS IN CRIMEA, RUSSIAHAD NO DESIGNS ON CRIMEA AND

RUSSIA WAS IN FACT STUMPED IN ARECENT CROSSWORD CLUE FOR SIX

LETTERS FORMER SOVIET PENINSULASTARTING WITH C.

>> RUSSIAN FLAGS ARE NOW FLYINGHIGH OVER MILITARY BASES IN

CRIMEA. AFTER THIS WEEKEND'SSTORMING

MOST ARE NOW UNDER RUSSIANCONTROL.

RUSSIAN ARMORED VEHICLES SMASHEDTHROUGH WALL WALLS AND TROOPS

TOOK OVER THE LAST REMAININGUKRAINIAN AIR BASE.

>> Jon: THERE HAS TO BE ANENTRANCE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

WHAT ARE YOU KOOL AID MAN, COMEON!

BE A PERSON.

OBVIOUSLY THE KOOL AID MAN CANBE FORGIVEN FOR HIS DESTRUCTION

BECAUSE EVEN IF HE TRIED TO USETHE DOOR

THERE'S NO WAY OLD SANGRIAHIPS IS GETTING THROUGH THERE.

[ LAUGHTER ]BUT THIS OF COURSE BRINGS US TOOUR CONTINUING COVERAGE

THE EMPIRE TAKES BACK.ALRIGHT SO PRESIDENT BOOBSAKIMBO HERE.

[LAUGHTER]HAS FINALLY GOTTEN WHAT HE

WANTED NOT ONLY ANNEXED CRIMEABUT CRUSHED THE SPIRIT OF THE

UKRAINIAN ARMY.

LOOK AT THIS INCREDIBLY SADRETREAT.

IT'S AN ARMY THAT'S NOT SO MUCHBEEN DEFEATED AS LAID OFF.

IT LOOKS LIKE THEY'VE BEEN LAIDOFF.

SURE TAKE YOUR TOASTER OVEN.

LOOK AT THIS GUY.

FOR GOD SAKES THAT COULD BE THEPOSTER FOR THE LAMEST WAR MOVIE

EVER, SAVING POTTED FICUS.

THAT'S REALLY --[LAUGHTER]

THEY'VE TURNED THE ENTIREUKRAINIAN ARMY INTO A GIANT

ZIGGY CARTOON, YOUJUST FEEL BAD.

[LAUGHTER]I TELL YOU WHAT: THIS SHALL NOT

STAND BECAUSE GUESS WHAT MOTHER(bleep) YOU JUST WOKE UP A

SLEEPING GIANT.

>> THE WHITE HOUSE IMPOSEDROUNDS ONE AND TWO OF SANCTIONS

FREEZING ASSETS, BARRING ENTRYTO SOME KEY RUSSIAN OFFICIALS.

>> Jon:.

♪ AMERICA (bleep) YEAH BOOM, BOOM!

[LAUGHTER]TELL US HOW OUR ASSETS TASTE

PUTIN.

[ LAUGHTER ]OH, THAT'S RIGHT BECAUSE YOUR

KEY OFFICIALS IN CHARGE THATCAN'T ENTER OUR COUNTRY

BECAUSE OF OUR TWO SANCTIONS.

BOO-YA.

>> RUSSIAN RESPONDED WITH ITSOWN SANCTIONS SANCTIONS ON

PRESIDENT OBAMA'SADVISORS, TOP LAWMAKERS.

>> Jon: TOUCHE, WELL PLAYEDMEIN FREUND.

DIDN'T REALIZE YOU HAD HIGHLEVEL SANCTION TECHNOLOGY.

[ LAUGHTER ]WELL, IF THAT'S HOW IT'S GOING

TO BE VLADMIR, YOU HAVE NO IDEAWHAT YOU'VE DONE.

>> AFTER AN EMERGENCY MEETINGTHE U.S., EUROPE, CANADA AND

JAPAN ANNOUNCED MOSCOW WILL LOSEITS VALUED PLACE IN THE G-8

UNTIL IT CHANGES COURSE.

>> Jon: SUCK ON THAT MOTHER(bleep).

G-8 IS NOW THE G-7 AND YOU ARENOT GOING TO BE THERE AND I

HEARD THIS YEAR THERE WASGOING TO BE FACE PAINTING.

[ LAUGHTER ]WHAT KIND OF LEADER WOULD RISK

RUINING RUSSIA'S ECONOMY ASWELL AS ITS INTERNATIONAL

STANDING AND FOR WHAT?

CRIMEAN PENINSULA.

IT DIDN'T EVEN MAKE THE TOP 12PENINSULAS LIST IN PENINSULA

MAGAZINE. BY THE WAY, THAT ISTHE COVER STORY EVERY MONTHBAJA,

CALIFORNIA, WAIT IT'S IN MEXICOWHY DO THEY CALL IT CALIFORNIA?

SO WITH PUTIN BASICALLY DOINGWHATEVER HE WANTS WITH

IMPUNITY, HOW CONCERNEDSHOULD WE BE?

>> RUSSIA IS A REGIONAL POWERTHAT IS THREATENING SOME OF ITS

IMMEDIATE NEIGHBORS NOT OUT OFSTRENGTH BUT OUT OF WEAKNESS.

>> Jon: WHEW, THAT'S GOOD. IT'SGOOD TO GET THAT PERSPECTIVE SO

WE CAN ALL JUST TAKE A BREATHAND CALM DOWN.

>> I CONTINUE TO BE MUCH MORECONCERNED WHEN IT COMES TO OUR

SECURITY WITH THE PROSPECT OF ANUCLEAR WEAPON GOING OFF IN

MANHATTAN.

[LAUGHTER]--

>> Jon: I THINK I JUST MADEPOO-POO.

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