Jon Stewart's Seventh Inning Kvetch

  • Aired:  01/10/13
  •  | Views: 47,380

Cooperstown snubs suspected steroid users, and the Best F#@king News Team Ever discovers that former players aren't taking the news so well. (5:25)

>> Jon: HEY, WELCOME BACK.

TODAY, OF COURSE, THE SECOND THURSDAY OF THE MONTH WHICH MEANS IT'S TIME FOR OUR SECOND

THURSDAY OF THE MONTH BASEBALL SEGMENT JON STEWART'S 7th INNING KEVETCH BROUGHT TO YOU BY

MANNY'S FAVORITE BASH CUE SAUCE GIVING THE BALLS A SOFT AND SAVORY PLACE TO LAND.

ONE OF MY FAVORITE PLAYERS.

THE BASEBALL HALL OF FAME INDUCTEES WERE ANNOUNCED.

THERE'S A LOT TO CHOOSE FROM.

ROGER CLEMENS, SAMEY SOSA, 609 DINGERS.

BARRY BONDS 672 I'LL GO WITH DINGERS.

GRANTED DUE TO STEROID USE THEIR BODIES WERE 98% -- EIGHT NERDS REALLY JOINED THAT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

WHICH ONE OF THESE CATS IS HEADED TO COOPERSTOWN?

>> ON BEHALF OF HALL OF FAME CHAIRMAN OUR BOARD OF DIRECTORS, THE ENTIRE STAFF IN COOPERSTOWN

AND JACK O'CONNELL THE BASEBALL WRITERS ASSOCIATION OF AMERICA IT'S MY PLEASURE TO ANNOUNCE THE

RESULTS OF 2013BBWA ELECTIONS.

>> Jon: ALL RIGHT!

MY PLEASURE TO LISTEN.

[ LAUGHTER ]

LET'S DO THIS.

WHO IS IN THE HALL!

>> I WOULD LIKE TO THANK MIKE AND ERNST AND YOUNG FOR ASSURING THE RESULTS YEAR IN AND YEAR OUT.

>> Jon: REALLY IRK YOU ARE THANKING THE ACCOUNTANTS.

IF I DIDN'T KNOW BETTER I WOULD SAY YOU ARE STALLING.

GET IT TO.

>> OPEN UP THE ENVELOPES.

FOR ONLY THE EIGHTH TIME SINCE VOTING BEGAN IN 1936, BRIAN, THE VOTING MEMBERSHIP DID NOT ELECT

ANYONE TO COOPERSTOWN.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> Jon: YOU TOOK ME OUT TO DINNER.

YOU BOUGHT ME WINE YOU GAVE ME A SANDWICH AND THEN WE DON'T (bleep).

IS THAT WHAT YOU ARE TELLING ME?

[ LAUGHTER ]

ALL THAT FOR NOTHING.

CAN'T YOU PRETEND YOU WERE SURPRISED.

WHAT WAS ON THE PIECE OF PAPER?

IS IT THIS?

LET ME GET THAT OUT THERE.

ALL THIS FOR NOTHING.

I'LL TELL YOU, THESE GUYS HAVE TO FEEL BAD, HUH?

LOCKED OUT OF THE HALL FOR SHOOTING MOOSE SEMEN BETWEEN THEIR TOES.

ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU CONSIDER WHO THEY LET IN THE HALL.

>> TY COBB.

HE WAS A SCOUNDREL BUT AMAZING PLAYER.

HE IS IN.

>> Jon: NOT SO MUCH A SCOUNDREL A RACIST ACTUALLY BUT HE GOT IN 1936 BEFORE BLACK

PEOPLE WERE ALLOWED TO PLAY IN MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL.

IF EVERYONE ELSE IS RACIST DOES THAT MEAN YOU ARE RACIST?

IT DOES, ACTUALLY YOU JUST TAKE A LOT LESS (bleep) FOR BEING RACIST.

IT'S LIKE WEARING SPAC TRY THAT NOW.

THIS ISN'T A BIG DEAL.

NOBODY GOT IN.

I GET WHY THEY PASSED UP MONSTERS INC.

WHAT ABOUT CRAIG BIGGIO.

THE ONLY THING HE IS JUICING IS CARROTS, APRIL EVES AND CEAL.

-- KALE.

WHAT ABOUT MIKE PIAZZA?

PUT A MAN IN THE HALL OF FAME!

FOR MORE ON THIS HISTORIC HALL OF FAME SHUTOUT WE GOOD TO JOHN OLIVER.

WHERE ARE YOU RIGHT NOW?

I'M AT THE HOME OF SLUGGER BUT REFUTED STEROID USER SAMMY SOSA.

>> Jon: HOW DID HE TAKE THE NEWS?

>> NOT TERRIBLY WELL.

HE LEFT THE HOUSE VISIBLY UPSET.

TAKE A LOOK FOR YOURSELF, JOHN.

LOOK.

>> Jon: OH, WOW.

>> Jon: YEAH.

THAT APPEARS TO BE A SAMMY SOSA SHAPED HOLE IN THE WALL.

>> HE IS PISSED, JOHN.

>> Jon: AL IS OUT IN BARRY BOND'S HOMETOWN IN SAN FRANCISCO AND AL'S HOMETOWN AS WELL.

>> SURE IS, JON.

GREAT CITY.

WHAT IS GOING ON.

>> BARRY IS PRETTY UPSET.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> Jon: YEAH, UM, THAT WAS HOURS AGO, AL WHEN THE NEWS CAME IN.

HE IS STILL UPSET?

>> AH -- IT'S GOING TO BE A LONG NIGHT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> Jon: SAMANTHA BEE IS IN TEXAS CLEMENS COUNTRY, SAM, IS CLEMENS ANGRY IN THE SAME WAY

THAT WE'VE SEEN THE OTHER --

>> CLEMENS IS SLEEPING.

THE REAL MONSTERS WERE THE MEN WHO SHOT HIM DOWN OFF THE BUILDING.

HE MEANT NO HARM.

SURE, HE WAS A HIDEOUSLY OVERSIZED FARM CAN A LOGICAL EXPERIENCE PULSING WITH OUT OF

BALANCE SYNTHETIC HORMONES AND MUSCLES STRONGER THAN THE MOST POWERFUL HYDRAULIC SYSTEMS

ALTHOUGH WITH ODDLY TINY BALLS LIKE LITTLE GOLDEN RAISINS OR TIC-TAC, TINY TURDS.

>> Jon: WE GET THE IDEA,.

>> IN THE END, JON.

HE WAS TOO BEAUTIFUL FOR THIS WORLD.

GOOD NIGHT, SWEET PRINCE.

OH,.

OH,.

OH, MY GOD.

OH, MY GOD SHOOT IT.

SHOOT IT, YOU IDIOTS.

>> Jon: GOOD LUCK, SAM.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT HER.

SHE LA

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