Indecision 2012 - The Great Right Hope

  • Aired:  09/08/11
  •  | Views: 163,614

The GOP candidates fulfill the fifth pillar of Republicanism: the Hajj to the Ronald Reagan Presidential Library. (7:51)

>> Jon: WELCOME TO "THE DAILY

SHOW."

MY NAME IS JON STEWART.

GOOD GUEST TONIGHT.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

MY GUEST TONIGHT -- MY GUEST

TONIGHT VERY TALENTED ACTRESS ACTRESS

IS, VERY TALENTED MARION

COTILLARD WHICH IS FRENCH FOR

MARION COTILLARD.

[ LAUGHTER ]

[CLEARING THROAT]

[ LAUGHTER ]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[ LAUGHTER ]

WE'RE GOING TO HAVE THE BEST

FRAT PARTY TONIGHT EVER.

[ LAUGHTER ]

OBVIOUSLY THE PRESIDENT

DELIVERED HIS MUCH ANTICIPATED

JOBS PLAN.

WE'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT ON

MONDAY WHEN YOU NO LONGER GIVE A

(bleep).

BUT, LET'S BEGIN TONIGHT WITH A

STORY YOU CARED ABOUT LAST

NIGHT.

THE REPUBLICAN JOBS PLAN RACE

FOR THE WHITE HOUSE INDECISION

2012 THE GREAT WHITE HOPE.

THE HAAJ TO THE RONALD REAGAN

PRESIDENTIAL LIBRARY.

THEY SCARED OFF AGAINST THEIR

MORTAL ENEMY MSNBC.

IT'S NOT LIKE MISS NEEB IS IS

GOING TO DO ANYTHING TO THEM.

NO WAIT, DON'T START THE ENGINE,

NO-OOOO.

WHO WOULD DO SUCH A THING?

MADDOW!

[ LAUGHTER ]

OBVIOUSLY WE'RE STILL MONTHS

AWAY -- WE'RE MONTHS AWAY FROM

THE PRIMARY AND CAKOUSES IT'S

THE FIRST DEBATE OF FALL SEASON.

MANY PEOPLE STARTING TO TUNE IN.

THE CANDIDATES ARE IN THE

PROCESS OF INTRODUCING THEM INTO

THE VOTERS.

>> I'M A MOM.

I'VE RAISED FIVE BIOLOGICAL KIDS

AND 23 FOSTER KIDS.

ONE THING I KNOW KIDS NEED --

>> LOVE, LOVE, STRONG PARENTING.

>> KIDS NEED JOBS.

>> Jon: JOBS?

THE LESSON YOU LEARN AS A MOTHER

IS THAT CHILDREN NEED

EMPLOYMENT.

SO THE 23 FOSTER CHILDREN YOU

"TOOK IN" --

[ LAUGHTER ]

WAS THAT BEFORE OR AFTER YOU

BEGAN MANUFACTURING iPHONE

PARTS?

[ LAUGHTER ]

ALL RIGHT, EVERYBODY 6:00 A.M.

GET YOUR ASSES DOWN TO THE

SAWLDERRING --ED SERRING ROOM I

MEAN CRAFT NOOK.

NOT A GOOD NIGHT AS EVEN HER

PATRIOTIC BROACH HAD THOUGHTS

ABOUT HER ANSWERS.

I BELIEVE THAT IS THE FLAG PIN

EQUIVALENT OF [MAKING SCOOBY DOO

NOISES] HOW WOULD JON HUNTSMAN,

THE SECOND MOST POPULAR, HAND

SOME MORMON EXGOVERNOR IN THE

FIELD.

HOW WOULD HE DISTICK HIM

HIMSELF.

>> THE PARTY IN THE STAGE IS IN

DANGER OF BECOMING ANTISCIENCE.

WHO IS ANTISCIENCE?

>> WHAT YOU MAKE COMMENTS THAT

FLY IN THE FACE OF WHAT 98

CLIMATE SCIENTISTS HAVE SAID,

WHEN YOU CALL INTO QUESTION

EVOLUTION, ALL I'M SAYING IS

THAT IN ORDER FOR THE REPUBLICAN

PARTY TO WIN, WE CAN'T RUN FROM

SCIENCE.

>> Jon: HOW CAN YOU DENY THE

SCIENCE OF EVOLUTION.

WITH MY SCIENCE ANSWER YOU JUST

SAW WE DISSOLVE INTO SOMEONE

WITH NO CHANCE OF WINNING THE

REPUBLICAN NOMINATION.

THEY'LL NEVER ACCEPT IT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

CONGRESSMAN RON PAUL WHO IS

SEEMINGLY KNOWING THAT HIS

OPPORTUNITIES TO TALK WOULD BE

SCARCE.

>> THESE TSA AGENTS ARE ABUSIVE.

SOMETIMES THEY THEY ARE ACCUSED OF

ALL KINDS OF SEXUAL ACTIVITIES.

AIR CONDITIONING OUT OF GREEN

ZEN, THE TROOPS NEED COME HOME.

I COULD GET YOU A DMOON OF

GASOLINE FOR A DIME.

WE COULD SECURE THE BORDERS A

BARBED WIRE FENCE WITH MACHINE

GUNS.

THAT WOULD DO THE TRUCK TRICK.

-- DO THE TRICK.

I DON'T BELIEVE THATyM IS WHAT

AMERICA IS ALL ABOUT.

I BELIEVE THIS FENCE BUSINESS IS

DESIGNED TO KEEP US IN.

>> Jon: THIS IS WHY WE NEED

THIS GUY IN THE RACE.

HE IS THE ONLY GUY IN ANY

POLITICAL PARTY WHO REALIZED AT

SOME POINT WE MIGHT WANT TO

SNEAK INTO MEXICO.

I DON'T KNOW IF CONGRESSMAN

PAUL --

[ LAUGHTER ]

I DON'T KNOW IF HE SHOULD BE

PRESIDENT OR HAVE ANY KIND OF

POWER, BUT I LIKE HIM AS OUR

IDEA GUY.

HE GENERATES A LOT OF IDEAS.

HE COULD BE LIKE AMERICA'S

KRAMER.

DO WE REALLY WANT TO LISTEN TO

EIGHT DIFFERENT PEOPLES IDEAS.

THERE'S A SIMPLER METHOD OF

VIEWING THIS AUDITION FOR THE

MOST POWERFUL JOB IN THE

COUNTRY.

>> PERRY VERSUS ROMNEY, G.O.P.

DEBATE.

>> HOW HOT DOES IT GET BETWEEN

RICK PERRY AND MITT ROMNEY.

>> EIGHT PEOPLE ON THE STAGE

WE'RE REALLY ONLY PAYING

ATTENTION TONIGHT TO TWO.

>> Jon: THANK YOU.

I KNEW I COULD IGNORE THOSE

OTHER PEOPLE.

BY THE WAY, I KNOW IT WAS A

PREVIEW.

WHAT DID HAPPEN?

>> MITT ROMNEY AND RICK PERRY

KICKING IT UP A NOTCH.

>> MITT ROMNEY AND RICK PERRY

WENT AT IT.

>> MITT ROMNEY AND RICK PERRY GO

FACE TO FACE.

>> IT WAS NOTHING BUT FIRE.

>> IT WAS EXACTLY THE THING YOU

THOUGHT IT WOULD BE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

THERE'S ONLY TWO EXPLANATIONS

HOW THAT COULD HAVE HAPPENED.

ONE FOUR MONTHS BEFORE ANY VOTE

IS CAST.

YOU DECIDE THE NOMINATION IS

DOWN TO ROMNEY AND PERRY.

FRAME THE DEBATE BY PITTING THE

TWO AGAINST EACH OTHER OR YOUR

PRECOGS.

I'LL LET THE AUDIENCE AT HOME

DECIDE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> GOVERNOR ROMNEY, YOUR PRIVATE

SECTOR EXPERIENCE AS GOVERNOR

PERRY'S STRATEGIST RECENTLY PUT

IT CONSISTED OF BEING QUOTE A

BUY OUT SPECIALIST.

YOUR RESPONSE TO THAT?

>> GOVERNOR PERRY YOU CLEARLY

DON'T LIKE THE MASSACHUSETTS

PLAN AS AN EXAMPLE FOR OTHER

STATES.

>> GOVERNOR PERRY A 30 SECOND

REBUTTAL.

>> GOVERNOR --

>> GOVERNOR PERRY HE SAID YOUR

STATE IS FILLED WITH STEERS AND

QUEERS, FEEL FREE TO ANSWER IN

THE FORM OF PUNCHING.

[ LAUGHTER ]

MY FAVORITE MOMENT OF DEBATE

CAME FROM NIECE NEWS AND

THEIR -- NBC NEWS AND THEIR

DECISION TO DO.

THIS I WANT TO INTRODUCE ANOTHER

COLLEAGUE OF OURS FROM OUR

SISTER NETWORK TELEMUNDO.

>> PLEASE TELL ME HE DIDN'T

BRING OUT A LATINO TO ASK A

LATINO BASED QUESTION.

>> LET ME TALK ABOUT A SUBJECT

DEAR TO THE HEART OF PRESIDENT

REAGAN WHICH WAS IMMIGRATION

REFORM.

[ LAUGHTER ]

(bleep).

>> Jon: CAN'T WE GO THE WHOLE

WAY?

CAN'T WE AT LEAST GET A GUY WITH

AN ACCENT.

I SHALL DIRECT MY FIRST

IMMIGRATION QUESTION --

[ LAUGHTER ]

-- TO GRINGO NUMBER ONE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

LOOK, ALL RIGHT, HE'S OUT HERE.

HE'S OUT HERE NOW.

WE'RE HAVING THE DEBATE.

AT LEAST THEY LET THE GUY JOIN

THE CONVERSATION.

>> TO MY COLLEAGUE JOSE DIAZ.

>> THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

>> OH, YES, SO SOON.

I WILL LEAVE, SURE.

OKAY.

YES, YOU'RE RIGHT I GOT MY

ANSWER ON IMMIGRATION.

AND I WOULD STAY BUT

OBVIOUSLY --

[ LAUGHTER ]

-- THERE IS NO THIRD CHAIR.

[ LAUGHTER ]

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