Can't You at Least Wait Until Jon Stewart Gets Back

  • Aired:  08/01/13
  •  | Views: 38,381

The 2016 presidential election gets an early start and Jessica Williams confuses the people of New Hampshire. (4:46)

>> WELCOME BACK.

THERE HAS BEEN DISSPIRITING

NEWS OF THE INTRACTABLE WAR

IN SIR YA, THE COLLAPSE OF

EGYPTIAN DEMOCRACY AND THE

DECISION TO EXTEND UNDER THE

DOME FROM A MINISERIES TO A

FULL-FLEDGED SERIES.

THEY'RE UNDER A DOME.

THEY'RE GOING TO RUN OUT OF

SUPPLIES.

THEY'RE UNDER A DOME.

THE PREMISE IS NOT

SUSTAINABLE.

THEY'RE IN A DOME.

BUT AT LEAST THIS SUMMER

DOES HAVE ONE THING OVER

THIS TIME LAST YEAR.

THERE IS NOT AN ELECTION

GOING ON.

>> THERE COULD BE THE FIRST

SHOTS FIRED IN THE BATTLE

FOR 2016.

>> READY FOR 2016.

>> THE WAR OF WORDS BETWEEN

GOVERNOR CHRIS CHRISTIE AND

SENATOR RAND PAUL.

>> FIRST IF STARTED ON

NATIONAL SECURITY, THEN IT

TURNED TO PORK BARREL

SPENDING.

>> IS THIS A PREVIEW OF

2016.

>> NO, MEDIA, NAUGHTY MEDIA.

YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO DID

THIS.

IF YOU DON'T PLAY WITH THE

LAST PRESIDENT WE GOT YOU,

WE'RE NOT GETTING YOU

ANOTHER ONE.

NOW LET'S ALL JUST TAKE A

BREATH HERE, CHRISTIE VERSUS

PAUL SEEMS LIKE PRETTY

STANDARD ONE POLL FIGURES

BICKERING WITH ANOTHER ONE.

IT CAN'T BE HE RAISED-- A

RACE IF ONLY ONE PARTY

VUNNING SO LET'S ALL JUST

RELAX.

>> GET READY FOR ALL HILLARY,

ALL THE TIME.

IN THE PAST COUPLE OF WEEKS

THE DRUMBEAT IS GETTING

LOUDER FOR A 2016

PRESIDENTIAL RUN BY THE

FORMER SENATOR, SECRETARY OF

STATE AND FIRST LADY.

>> NO, NO, NO!

NOW WE HAVE TO INTRODUCE OUR

NEW SEGMENT, CAN'T YOU AT

LEAST WAIT UNTIL JON STEWART

GETS BACK?

PLEASE!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> PLEASE, ENDLESS

PRESIDENTIAL RACES ARE

REALLY MORE HIS KIND OF

THING AND HE'S BACK IN

SEPTEMBER WHEN WILL YOU

STILL HAVE OVER THREE YEARS

UNTIL THE ELECTION.

THE LAST ONE OF WHICH LET ME

REMIND YOU END YOU LESS THAN

NINE MONTHS AGO.

WHY THIS SUDDEN OUTBREAK OF

EARLY ONSET 2016 FEVER?

>> SHE HAD A BREAKFAST WITH

JOE BIDEN.

>> THERE SHE WAS YESTERDAY,

LUNCHING WITH THE PRESIDENT.

>> THEY HAD PASTA, SALAD,

GRILLED CHICKEN AND NOW A

DAY LATER, THE NEXT DAY

SHE'S DEVICE PRESIDENT'S

RESIDENCE FOR SCRAMBLED

EGGS.

WHAT WAS THAT ALL ABOUT?

>> YEAH, WHAT IS THAT ALL

ABOUT, JOE BIDEN?

LEARN TO BE A BETTER HOST.

DON'T JUST SWIRL SOME EGGS

IN A PAN.

MAKE SOME WAFFLES OR A

QUICHE.

GO DOWN TO THE FARMER'S

MARKET AND GET SOME FRESH

SEASONAL BARRIES FOR GOD'S

SAIX.

YOU'RE ENTERTAINING THE

WOMAN SWHO GOING TO BEAT NEW

THE NEXT DEMOCRATIC PRIMARY.

BUT NO, JOHN, DON'T GET

SUCKED IN.

DON'T GET SUCKED IN.

BUT NOWHERE WAS THE NEWS

THAT A WOMAN ATE AN

UNPRECEDENTSED TWO MEALS,

GREETED WITH MORE

UNCOMFORTABLY INTENSE

ENTHUSIASM THAN WITH CHRIS

MATTHEWS.

>> VERY FLATTERING PICTURE

OF HER AND THE PRESIDENT

SITTING AS EQUALS AS THE

PRESIDENT SITTING WITH

ANOTHER PRESIDENT.

VERY PRESIDENTIAL PICTURE

OVER IN THE ROSE GARDEN.

SHE NOW IS LOOKING FABULOUS.

I DON'T KNOW, I KNOW I

SHOULDN'T TALK ABOUT LOOKS

WITH A WOMAN BUT I'M JUST

SAYING THE WAY SHE IS

PRESENTING HERSELF, IT

ALWAYS GETS ME IN TROUBLE.

I WILL SAY IT AGAIN.

THE DARK SUIT, THE HAIRCUT,

EVERYTHING SAID THIS PERSON

LOOKS READY FOR PRIME TIME.

SHE LOOKS PRESIDENTIAL AS

HELL.

I WILL JUST PUT IT THAT WAY.

>> PUTTING IT THAT WAY DOES

NOT HELP IT HOW DO YOU MAKE

THE WORD PRESIDENTIAL SOUND

PERVIE?

JUST A LITTLE TIP TO CHRIS

MATTHEWS, WHEN YOU SAY YOU

SHOULDN'T TALK ABOUT

SOMETHING, WHY NOT NOT

ACTUALLY TALK ABOUT IT?

THAT WAY EVERYONE WINS.

BUT LOOK, I GUESS WE HAVE NO

CHOICE.

IF THE 2016 ELECTION IS

REALLY GETTING LAUNCHED,

WE'RE GOING HAVE TO COVER IT

I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M GOING TO

SAY THIS, LET'S GO RIGHT OUT

TO JESSICA WILLIAMS WHO IS

KOFERK HILLARY CLINTON'S

CAMPAIGN TONIGHT IN NEW

HAMPSHIRE.

JESSICA, JESSICA,.

>> JOHN, I DO NOT WANT TO BE

HERE!

NOT AT ALL.

>> NO ONE WANTS THIS, JESS,

THAT'S WHY IT'S JOURNALISM.

BUT HOW ARE THE PEOPLE OF

NEW HAMPSHIRE REACTING?

>> WELL, MAINLY THEY SEEM

CONFUSED TO SEE A BLACK

PERSON UP HERE IN A

NONELECTION YEAR.

>> THAT'S UNDERSTANDABLE.

THAT'S UNDERSTANDABLE, JESS

KA.

I'VE GOT TO ASK, HAVE YOU

BEEN ABLE TO ASK ANY VOTERS

THERE ABOUT 2016.

>> OH, YEAH.

AND THEIR REACTIONS ARE ALL

OVER THE MAP FROM WHAT IS

YOUR PROBLEM?

TO WHY CAN'T THE MEDIA JUST

LEAVE ME ALONE?

I'M JUST TRYING TO LIVE MY

LIFE FOR 10 MINUTES.

BUT OVERALL JOHN THERE IS A

SOLID MAJORITY GOING FOR

[BLEEP] YOU.

>> OKAY.

THOSE ARE GOOD RESULTS.

THANKS, JESSICA.

>> THANK YOU.

>> YOU STAY UP THERE, ONLY

39 MONTHS TO GO.

>> NO OOOO!

>> JESSICA WILLIAMS,

EVERYONE

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