Democalypse 2012 - Vague Against the Machine

  • Aired:  10/09/12
  •  | Views: 37,171

Future American overlord Mitt Romney promises free stuff and enjoys the same insurmountable, unblowable election lead recently held by President Obama. (4:28)

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COMEDY CENTRAL

( THEME SONG PLAYING )

>> Jon: WELCOME TO "THE DAILY

SHOW."

MY NAME IS JON STEWART.

OH, WE GOT A NICE ONE FOR YOU

TONIGHT!

BEN AFFLECK, DIRECTOR, ACTOR,

WRITER BEN AFFLECK WILL BE

JOINING US WITH A GREAT NEW

MOVIE "ARGO."

BUT FIRST.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN --

(LAUGHTER)

WITH JUST FOUR WEEKS TO GO TO

ELECTION DAY THE INSURMOUNTABLE,

UNBLOWABLE LEAD THE THAT

PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA ENJOYED

POST-CONVENTION --

(LAUGHTER)

-- HAS BEEN MOUNTED AND MOAN BY

MITT ROMNEY.

(LAUGHTER)

(LAUGHTER)

NO?

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

I STAND BY THAT PHRASE.

(LAUGHTER)

AND IT IS NOW MITT ROMNEY WHO

CANNOT BE MOUNTED OR BLOWN.

I -- YOU KNOW, THERE'S A BETTER

-- WILL THERE'S A BETTER WAY OF

SAYING THIS, I'M SURE.

SO PERHAPS NOW IS THE TIME TO

ACTUALLY PAY ATTENTION TO WHAT

OUR FUTURE OVERLORD HAS BEEN

SAYING.

(LAUGHTER)

HIS DREAMS, HIS ASSESSMENT OF

THE STATE OF THE COUNTRY NOW

THAT HE IS 100% ASSURED OF

WINNING THIS ELECTION AS OBAMA

WAS JUST LAST WEEKEND.

(LAUGHTER)

>> THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE.

IT IS NOT WORKING.

TRILLION-DOLLAR DEFICITS FOR THE

LAST FOUR YEARS.

THERE'S OVER $16 TRILLION IN

DEBT.

HARDER AND HARDER FOR SMALL

BUSINESSES TO GROW AND THRIVE.

THE AMOUNT OF DEBT WE'RE ADDING

AT A TRILLION A YEAR IS SIMPLY

NOT MORAL.

>> Jon: NOT MORAL!

(LAUGHTER)

THAT MEANS FOR MITT ROMNEY THIS

TERRIBLE DEBT IS WORSE THAN OF

FEPT.

(LAUGHTER)

>> JON?

>> YES, MORMON GOD.

>> NOT COOL, BRO.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Jon: SHOULDN'T YOU BE ON

BROADWAY?

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> NO, NO!

>> Jon: LITTLE JOKE THERE.

BUT ALL RIGHT WE HAVE BEEN

IRRESPONSIBLE WITH GOVERNMENT

SPENDING.

ROMNEY, BRING THE TOUGH LOVE.

WHAT ARE WE GOING TO LOSE?

>> I DON'T WANT ANY CHANGE TO

MEDICARE FOR CURRENT SENIORS OR

FOR THOSE THAT ARE NEARING

RETIREMENT.

NO CHANGE IN SOCIAL SECURITY FOR

THOSE THAT ARE IN RETIREMENT OR

NEAR RETIREMENT.

>> Jon: ALL RIGHT, SO IT'S

IMMORAL DEBT BUT HANDS OFF THE

CORE ENTITLEMENTS!

THEY'VE LITERALLY BEEN

GRANDFATHERED IN--

GRANDMOTHERED.

(LAUGHTER)

PROBABLY THE MORE PERIPHERAL

ENTITLEMENTS GOT TO GO.

>> I'M GOING TO MAKE SURE WE

HAVE THE KIND OF TRAINING

PROGRAMS THAT GIVE PEOPLE THE

SKILLS THEY NEED FOR THE JOBS OF

TODAY.

>> Jon: OKAY, SO HANDS OFF

CHINESE LANGUAGE INSTRUCTION

PROGRAMS.

(LAUGHTER)

I GUESS THE CUTS ARE GOING TO

COME FROM BIG SPENDING BOON DOOG

STUFF LIKE DEFENSE.

>> I'LL RESTORE OUR NAVY TO THE

SIZE NEEDED TO FULFILL OUR

MISSIONS.

BY BUILDING 15 SHIPS PER YEAR,

INCLUDING THREE SUBMARINES.

>> Jon: IT MAY SOUND FISCALLY

IRRESPONSIBLE --

(LAUGHTER)

-- BUT WITH THREE SUBMARINES

JUST SEVEN MORE AND AMERICA GETS

A FREE SANDWICH!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

SO BIG DEFENSE PROJECTS -- DID

YOU ENJOY THAT?

BIG DEFENSE PROJECTS AND THE

SOCIALIST PROGRAMS, THOSE WILL

NOT BE TOUCHED.

LOOKS LIKE SOMEBODY'S RAISING

TAXES.

>> I'M GOING TO LOWER RATES

ACROSS THE BOARD FOR ALL

AMERICANS BY 20%.

>> Jon: WHAT?

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

THIS IS INCREDIBLE!

WE GET TO KEEP ALL OUR STUFF AND

PAY LESS TOO?

THIS IS LIKE THOSE SPECIAL

POTATO CHIPS THAT THEY MADE WITH

OLESTRA THAT HAD ALL THE FLAVOR

--

(LAUGHTER)

BUT NONE OF THE CALORIES AND, OF

COURSE, EVERY NOW AND AGAIN

THERE WAS A HINT -- A SKOSH OF

AGE LEAKAGE BUT IT'S FINE.

(LAUGHTER)

YOU KNOW, YOU'D BE IN A MEETING

AND YOUR ASS WOULD DO A SPIT

TAKE BUT --

(LAUGHTER)

BUT THE POINT IS THIS.

THEY WERE DELICIOUS.

(LAUGHTER)

WHAT RED BLOODED AMERICAN

WOULDN'T TRADE FLAVOR FOR

OCCASIONAL ASS-JUICE?

(LAUGHTER)

THE POINT IS -- BY THE WAY, I AM

JUST GOING TO ASSUME THEY ARE

NOT A SPONSOR.

(LAUGHTER)

I DON

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