Post-Democalyptic World - Whine Country

  • Aired:  11/13/12
  •  | Views: 279,373

President Obama's reelection garners corporate layoffs and online petitions from not-so-proud American secessionists. (4:45)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE).

>> Jon: HEY, EVERYBODY, WELCOME TO "THE DAILY SHOW." MY NAME IS JON STEWART.

GOOD A GOOD ONE TONIGHT.

FROM "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE", THE VERY FUNNY JASON SUDEIKIS IS GOING TO BE JOINING US LATER.

IT WAS JUST ONE WEEK AGO TONIGHT THAT BARACK OBAMA WON REELECTION TO THE PRESIDENCY ENDING A

HEATED POLITICAL CAMPAIGN AND HOPEFULLY SETTING THE STAGE FOR THE HEALING THAT THIS COUNTRY SO

DESPERATELY NEEDS.

>> THE WHITE HOUSE HAS RECEIVED ONLINE PETITIONS FROM NOT SO PROUD AMERICANS IN 20 STATES WHO

WOULD LIKE TO SECEDE FROM THE UNION.

(LAUGHTER) WAIT!

I'M NOT SURE EXACTLY WHICH 20 STATES THOSE ARE OR WHICH PEOPLE IN THOSE 20 STATE BUS I THINK I

CAN BEST EXPRESS HOW I FEEL ABOUT THESE STATES AND PEOPLE IN THE WORD OF THE GREAT WILLIAM WONKA.

>> (FLATLY) STOP, DON'T, COME BACK.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Jon: AT LEAST NOW I'M BEGINNING TO UNDERSTAND WHY SOUTHERN STATES WERE SO HESITANT

TO GET RID OF THE CONFEDERATE FLAG.

IT'S LIKE KEEPING YOUR FAT PANTS AFTER YOU LOSE SOME WEIGHT.

(LAUGHTER) YOU'RE HAPPY FOR NOW WITH THE NEW YOU BUT PRETTY SOON YOU'RE GOING TO NEED THOSE FAT PANTS AGAIN.

THERE'S PIZZA IN STATEN ISLAND AND -- I'M NOT SURPRISED.

WE WERE WARNED REELECT THAT OBAMA WOULD HAVE DIRE CONSEQUENCES FOR OUR UNION, FOR

OUR STANDING IN THE WORLD, AND RETAIL!

>> WEST GATE RESORT C.E.O. DAVID SIEGEL E-MAILED HIS EMPLOYEES AND SAID HE WOULD HAVE NO CHOICE

BUT TO FIRE PEOPLE IF PRESIDENT OBAMA IS REELECTED AND HIS PERSONAL INCOME TAX RATES GO UP.

ROBERT MURRAY, C.E.O. OF MURRAY ENERGY SENT A LETTER TO HIS EMPLOYEES HECTORING THEM TO

DONATE TO THE COMPANY'S POLITICAL ACTION COMMITTEE TELLING THEM IF THEY DID NOT

"THE COAL INDUSTRY WILL BE ELIMINATED AND SO WILL YOUR JOBS."

>> Jon: WELL, GUESS WHAT?

THOSE PEOPLE WERE RIGHT.

DESPITE NO OBJECTIVE CHANGE IN WHO'S RUNNING THE COUNTRY OR THE SITUATION THE COUNTRY IS IN,

C.E.O.s ARE TAKING ACTION.

LIKE COAL MAGNATE ROBERT MURRAY WHO SAID HE WOULD HAVE TO FIRE PEOPLE IF OBAMA WON AND THEN

FIRED PEOPLE WHILE THEY WERE STILL COUNTING FLORIDA.

WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT?

(LAUGHTER) A PROPHECY FULFILLED BY THE PROFESSOR SEER.

LIKE A WEATHER MAN FORECASTING SCATTERED SHOWERS AND THEN RUNNING UP ON THE ROOF AND

PEEING ON PEOPLE.

(LAUGHTER) "YOU'RE LUCKY I DIDN'T CALL FOR HAIL!" (LAUGHTER)

>> WELL, THEY LEFT ME NO CHOICE.

WE'RE GOING TO SEE REDUCED ECONOMIC ACTIVITY IN AMERICA.

WE'RE GOING TO SEE REDUCED ELECTRIC POWER CONSUMPTION.

WE'RE GOING TO SEE DRASTICALLY REDUCED COAL MARKETS.

>> Jon: A GREEDY BLACK-HEARTED MAN WHO OWNS A COAL MINE.

WELL, NOW I'VE SEEN EVERYTHING.

(LAUGHTER) BUT IT'S NOT JUST THOSE WHO PROVIDE COMPRESSED LUMPS OF DEAD ANIMALS TO FUEL YOUR HOME WHO

ARE AFFECTED.

(LAUGHTER) IT'S ALSO THOSE WHO PROVIDE COMPRESSED LUMPS OF DEAD ANIMALS TO FUEL YOUR BODY.

>> OUR NEXT GUEST SAYS HE MIGHT HAVE TO MOVE SOME OF HIS EMPLOYEES FROM FULL TIME TO PART

TIME IF PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA GETS REELECTED.

JOINING US NOW IS ZANE TANKEL, HE RUNS I THINK 42 APPLEBEE'S FRANCHISES.

>> Jon: I'M GOING TO STOP YOU RIGHT THERE.

ZANE TANKEL?

(LAUGHTER) THAT'S WHO YOU WANT ME TO ACCEPT?

ZANE TANKEL?

NO.

NO.

(APPLAUSE) ZANE TANKEL DOES NOT RUN AN APPLEBEE'S.

ZANE TANKEL IS AN INTERGALACTIC BOUNTY HUNTER WHO GETS IN FIGHT WITH BUCK ROGERS.

(LAUGHTER) I'M SORRY, RESUME YOUR INTERVIEW WITH ZANE TANKEL.

>> WE WON'T BUILD MORE RESTAURANTS.

WE WON'T HIRE MORE PEOPLE.

>> YOU RUN AN APPLEBEE'S.

(LAUGHTER) HERE'S A COST-CUTTING IDEA.

DON'T SERVE YOUR DOUBLE-BARREL WHISKEY FRIED CREAMY STEAK AND CHIMICHANGA SLIDERS IN TROUGHS.

(LAUGHTER) NOT ONLY SHOULD YOU PROVIDE YOUR EMPLOYEES HEALTH CARE, YOU SHOULD BE PERSONALLY APOLOGIZING

TO OUR NATION'S PHYSICIANS.

(LAUGHTER) ANYBODY ELSE GOT A PROBLEM WITH IT?

>> PAPA JOHN'S C.E.O. SAYS THE COMPANY MAY HAVE TO REDUCE WORKER HOURS TO SAVE MONEY ON

HEALTH CARE.

>> Jon: NO, NOT A PAPA JOHN'S!

(LAUGHTER) ANYBODY BUT A PAPA JOHN'S!

I'D WRATHER THE PAPARAZZI OR THE PA P.A. PA SMEAR.

(LAUGHTER) WHAT'S HIS PROBLEM?

>> THE C.E.O. SAYS OBAMACARE WILL COST THEIR CHAIN UP TO $8 MILLION A YEAR AND COULD FORCE

IT TO CUT EMPLOYEE HOURS.

>> ALL RIGHT, THAT'S NOT NOTHING.

THEY ARE A $3 BILLION A YEAR BUSINESS FOR CORPORATE AND FRANCHISEES BUT YOU HAVE TO FIND

THAT $8 MILLION SOMEWHERE AND IT'S NOT NOTHING.

OKAY, LET ME JUST -- I APOLOGIZE.

PIE IS $10, I THINK, AT PAPA JOHN'S.

THAT'S THE EQUIVALENT OF LIKE A MILLION PIZZAS.

WHERE ARE ARE YOU KWROEUPBGGOING FIND A MILLION PIZZAS?

>> WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO TO KICK OFF THIS SEASON?

>> ONE MILLION FREE PIZZA'S FROM PAPA JOHN'S.

>> ALL SEASON LONG PAPA JOHN'S HAVE TWO MILLION FREE

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