Dancing on the Ceiling

  • Aired:  07/12/11
  •  | Views: 109,819

The Republicans' refusal to accept any tax increases to help America out of debt is like a doctor believing strictly in magic to cure a patient. (5:46)

[THEME SONG PLAYING]

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

>> Jon: WELCOME TO "THE DAILY

SHOW."

MY NAME IS JON STEWART.

THE GREAT KID ROCK WILL BE

JOINING US ON THE PROGRAM

TONIGHT, AND I'M GOING TO GO

WITH SHARK.

ALL RIGHT.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

FOLKS, I'M GOING TO START WITH A

PROBLEM.

WE GOT A PROBLEM.

APPARENTLY AMERICA SPENDS MORE

THAN IT TAKES IN.

SO AMERICA NEEDS TO FIGURE OUT A

WAY TO BECOME MORE FISCALLY

RESPONSIBLE.

UNFORTUNATELY WHILE AMERICA

FIGURES IT OUT, THERE IS A REPO

MAN, LET'S CALL HIM "CHINA,"

THAT ON AUGUST 2nd COULD

POSSIBLY REPOSSESS US.

[LAUGHTER]

THE GOOD NEWS IS WE HAVE A

COUPLE OF GOOD DEBT REDUCTION

OPTIONS AT OUR DISPOSAL.

WORSE COMES TO WORSE, WE COULD

FOR SOME WEIRD REASON

ARBITRARILY CHANGE THE MONEY

WE'RE ALLOWED TO BE IN DATE,

WHICH MAKES NO [BLEEPED] SENSE

WHATSOEVER, BUT THE BAD NEWS IS

THE PEOPLE IN CHARGE OF PUTTING

TOGETHER THIS COUNTRY-SAVING

PLANS ARE THE SAME ONES WHO AS

OF TODAY ARE CURRENTLY ON THE

FLOOR OF THE HOUSE OF

REPRESENTATIVES DOING THIS.

>> THE NEW INCANDESCENT BULB

LOOKS AND WORKS JUST LIKE THE

OLD INCANDESCENT BULB.

>> SO IF WE DON'T PASS THIS

BILL, WE MIGHT AS WELL TURN OUT

THE LIGHTS.

THE PARTY IS OVER FOR THE

TRADITIONAL INCANDESCENT

LIGHTBULB.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

>> Jon: I WANT TO MAKE IT

CLEAR.

I JUST WANT TO MAKE THIS CLEAR,

THEY AREN'T FIGHTING ABOUT

LIGHTBULB STANDARDS.

THEY ARE REFIGHTING A LIGHTBULB

STANDARDS FIGHT THAT WE SET NEW

ZEALAND 2007.

WE'RE THREE WEEKS A I WAY FROM

HAVING TO PARK OUR COUNTRY DOWN

THE STREET SO CHINA CAN'T FIND

IT.

[LAUGHTER]

AND THESE YUTSES ARE RELIT

GAITING INCANDESCENT V.

FLORESCENT.

WE ARE LIKE CHILDREN.

THAT IS WHY YESTERDAY ONCE AGAIN

DAD, MUCH TO HIS CHAGRIN, HAD TO

COME HOME EARLY FROM WORK AND

GIVE US A TALKING TO ABOUT NOT

CLEANING OUR BUDGET.

>> WE'RE GOING TO MEET EVERY

SINGLE DAY UNTIL WE GET THIS

THING RESOLVED.

WE'RE GOING TO GET THIS DONE BY

AUGUST 2nd.

WE MIGHT AS WELL DO IT NOW.

PULL OFF THE BANDAID.

EAT OUR PEAS.

[LAUGHTER]

>> WHO KEEPS PEAS UNDER THEIR

BANDAIDS?

[LAUGHTER]

YOU KNOW, YOU GET THE SENSE THAT

OBAMA IS THE FIRST PRESIDENT IN

HISTORY THAT BEGINS EVERY PRESS

CONFERENCE WITH A HEAVY SIGH.

[LAUGHTER]

HE JUST COMES OUT AND GOES...

[LONG SIGH]

I GUESS HE HAD NO IDEA HAVING

CHILDREN WOULD BE THIS HARD.

WAIT, I'M BEING TOLD THAT HIS

PEAS MENTION WAS NOT A METAPHOR.

DURING BUDGET NEGOTIATIONS,

APPARENTLY SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE

JOHN BOEHNER WAS LITERALLY NOT

EATING HIS PEAS.

I DIDN'T REALIZE THAT WAS THE

CASE.

SO ANYWAY, HERE'S WHAT OBAMA

PROPOSED TO GET US OUT OF THIS

PROBLEM.

DEMOCRATS GET $1 TRILLION IN

UPPER-CLASS TAX INCREASES

AND CORPORATE LOOPHOLE CLOSURES,

AND REPUBLICANS GET $3 THRIL IN

ENTITLEMENT AND SPENDING CUTS

BECAUSE THE PRESIDENT IS UNDER

THE ASSUMPTION THAT THE

PARAMETERS OF THE NEGOTIATION

ARE THAT DEMOCRATS WANT TAX

INCREASES AND REPUBLICANS WANT

SPENDING CUTS, AND HE WANTS TO

DO A PEAS AND BANDAID

COMBINATION.

[BLEEPED] I DON'T KNOW.

WHAT'S INTERESTING IS THE

REPUBLICANS BELIEVE THEY'RE IN A

COMPLETELY DIFFERENT

NEGOTIATION.

>> MOST AMERICANS WOULD SAY A

BALANCED APPROACH IS A SIMPLE

ONE.

THE ADMINISTRATION GETS ITS DEBT

LIMIT INCREASE AND THE AMERICAN

PEOPLE GET THEIR SPENDING CUTS.

AND THEIR REFORMS.

>> Jon: WAIT, WHAT?

YOU SEE THE PROBLEM?

THE ADMINISTRATION GETS ITS DEBT

LIMIT INCREASE.

THE ARBITRARY SPENDING LIMIT,

WHICH CONGRESS HAS RELEASED TEN

TIMES IN THE LAST TEN YEARS.

NOW THAT'S THE BIG GIVE IN THE

NEGOTIATION.

IT'S NOT, ALL RIGHT, LET'S ALL

CHIP IN AND BUY A GETTING FOR

THE PARTY.

IT'S BUY ME A KEG AND I WON'T

BURN YOUR [BLEEPED] HOUSE DOWN.

NOW, WHY WOULD OBAMA AND THE

DEMOCRATS GET THE IMPRESSION

THAT THAT'S NOT REALLY A GIVE?

>> NOBODY IS TALKING ABOUT NOT

RAISING THE DEBT CEILING.

I HAVEN'T HEARD THAT DISCUSSED

BY ANYBODY, NOT IN THE CONGRESS.

YEAH, NOBODY IS TALKING ABOUT

DOING THAT.

>> Jon: [WHISPERING] THE

LEADER OF THE HOUSE OF

REPRESENTATIVES.

SEE, THE LEADER OF THE SENATE

REPUBLICANS STATED ON SUNDAY

THAT OF COURSE THEY'RE GOING TO

RAISE THE DEBT CEILING.

NOW, WHY WOULD THE REPUBLICANS

GET THE IMPRESSION THAT THEY CAN

PLAY SILLY POLITICS WITH

SOMETHING LIKE OUR CREDIT

RATING?

BECAUSE IN 2006 THE PRESIDENT

AND FRESHMAN SENATOR VOTED

AGAINST RAISING THE DEBT

CEILING.

AND WHY DID HE DO THAT?

>> THAT WAS JUST AN EXAMPLE OF A

NEW SENATOR, YOU KNOW, MAKING

WHAT IS A POLITICAL VOTE AS

OPPOSED TO DOING WHAT WAS

IMPORTANT FOR THE COUNTRY, AND

I'M THE FIRST ONE TO ACKNOWLEDGE

IT.

>> Jon: HEY, MAN, THAT WAS

FIVE YEARS AGO, MAN.

[LAUGHTER]

I WAS A KID.

YOU KNOW HOW PEOPLE [BLEEPED]

AROUND IN THEIR EARLY 40s.

[LAUGHTER]

BUT NOW I'M IN MY MID-40s.

TIME TO GROW UP.

BUT HERE'S THE WORST PART.

THE REPUBLICAN INSISTENCE ON

MAKING THE DEBT CEILING THEIR

GIVE AS OPPOSED TO INCREASED TAX

REVENUES, DOESN'T APPEAR TO BE A

CYNICAL POLITICAL PLOY.

I THINK THEY REALLY BELIEVE THIS

[BLEEPED].

>> THE PRESIDENT AND I DO NOT

AGREE ON HIS VIEW THAT

GOVERNMENT NEEDS MORE REVENUE

THROUGH HIGHER TAXES ON JOB

CREATORS.

>> Jon: HIGHER TAXES ON JOB

CREATORS?

WHAT ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO DO WITH

THAT?

IT'S LIKE A DOCTOR CONSULTING

WITH A PATIENT WHO BELIEVES

STRICTLY IN MAGIC.

[LAUGHTER]

BROKEN LEG?

THAT'S NOTHING A FROG WING AND

FIRE DANCE AND SOME RHINOCEROS

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