Groundhog Deja Clusterf@#k

  • Aired:  09/04/13
  •  | Views: 136,881

As the Senate Foreign Relations Committee considers America's response to the war in Syria, John McCain ponders his response to the river card. (5:44)

>> Stewart: HEY, EVERYBODY!

WELCOME TO THE DAILY SHOW, MY

NAME IS JON STEWART, VIA A GOOD

ONE FOR YOU TONIGHT.

MARIO LIVIO.

>> ABOUT GREAT SCIENTIFIC

ERRORS, LIKE MONKEY POX.

>> LIKE SO MANY NIGHTS BEFORE

WITH THE STRONG POSSIBILITY OF A

NEBULOUSLY DEFINED TARGETISH

BOMBING.

DESIGNED TO BRING PEACE AND

STABILITY TO THE BOMB EES.

>> IT IS NOT DEJA VU OR

GROUNDHOG DAY, IT IS GROUNDHOG

DEJA CLUSTER (BLEEP).

>> OBAMA LAID OUT THE GOALS FOR

BOMBING SYRIA WHICH ULTIMATELY

ARE REALLY QUITE SIMPLE.

>> THE GOAL IS TO NEGOTIATE A

SOLUTION WHICH RESULTS IN THE

DEPARTURE OF BA AND THE FREE

CHOICE OF THE SYRIAN PEOPLE FOR

THEIR FUTURE.

>> Stewart: ASSAD LEAVES

WILLINGLY, DEMOCRATIC SYRIA IS

STABLE AND PEACEFUL, THOUSANDS

OF LIVES ARE SAVED AND A AND

THEY GET MARRIED AND LIVE

HAPPILY EVER AFTER WITH UNICORNS

AND RAINBOWS!

>> IT SOUNDS SIMPLE BUT I AM

SURE IT IS AN ARDUOUS TASK,

COMPLEX TASK THE COMMITTEE

MEMBERS THAT WERE LISTENING TO

OUR COMMITTEE CHAIR THERE,

MR. CHAIR, OUR SECRETARY OF

STATE RIGHTFULLY AGONIZED OVER

FOR HOURS AND HOURS.

>> JOHN MCCAIN FINDING WAYS TO

PASS THE TIME DURING THAT SENATE

FOREIGN RELATIONS HEARING

COMMITTEE ON SYRIA, THAT IS

SENATOR MCCAIN ON HIS PHONE

PLAYING POKER.

[ APPLAUSE ]

>> Stewart: HEY, MAN, IS THIS

POSSIBLE GLOBAL CONFLAGRATION

INTERRUPTING YOUR VIDEO POKER

TIME? WELL, YOU HAVE BEEN

TALKING HAWKISH ISSUE FOR A YEAR

AND THIS IS YOUR TIME TO SHINE

AND THIS YOU CAN'T BE BOTHERED

BECAUSE YOU ARE ABOUT TO BEAT

STASH MAN 42? YOU KNOW WHAT,

SENATOR? GO.

RASCAL SCOOTER AND A BUCKET OF

QUARTERS AND PLAY ALL THE VIDEO

OWE POKER YOU WANT, $9.99 PRIME

RIB, GO TO THE, GO TO AN ACTUAL

CASINO AND PRETEND LIKE YOU

ACTUALLY KNOW WHAT THE

GOVERNMENT SHOULD. DO HOW ABOUT

THAT?

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>> Stewart: I TELL YOU WHAT IT

IS OBAMA SHOULD HAVE DONE!

>> PLAY THAT POKER IN MY BRAIN.

HOW IS MCCAIN GOING TO EXPLAIN

THIS ONE?

>> YOU WERE CAUGHT TODAY, YOU

KNOW WHAT I AM TALKING ABOUT

SENATOR.

>> THERE YOU ARE.

THERE IS THE PICTURE.

>> Stewart: HEAVE HE, HE, HE.

AH.

HA, HA! YOU GOT ME! I'M

TERRIBLE! HA, HA! THAT IS A

GREAT SHOT OF MCCAIN, BY THE

WAY.

CAN WE GET A GIP OF THAT BAD

BOY.

I'M SORRY, SENATOR, I

INTERRUPTED YOU.

>> THE WORST THING ABOUT IT IS

I

LOST THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS IN

THIS GAME.

>> YOU WHAT?

>> I LOST THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS.

>> Stewart: YOU KNOW, IF THERE

IS ONE THING I HAVE LEARNED IN

MY CAREER IT IS THIS.

THE JOKE ALWAYS LANDS BETTER IF

YOU REPEAT IT A SECOND TIME.

YOU KNOW, LIKE A LOOP.

MAN, IT SEEMS LIKE NO A MATTER

WHAT WE DO IN THE MIDDLE EAST IT

IS LIKE WE ARE NOT IN CONTROL OF

IT.

IT IS LIKE WE WRITE THE SCRIPT

IN AMERICA AND JUST HEAD TO THE

MIDDLE EAST, SPEND A GOOD AMOUNT

OF TIME THERE AND QUITE A BIT OF

MONEY AND COME BACK AND FINALLY

GET A CHANCE TO LOOK AT WHAT YOU

SHOT AND IT TURNS OUT IT IS

(BLEEP) SUCKS, THREE MONTHS AND

FLIES OVER THE MIDDLE EAST AND

IT IS ALL BULL (BLEEP).

WHO HOW, WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO

WITH THIS?

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] WE ARE

GOING TO SIT THROUGH A THREE

HOUR MOVING ABOUT THREE GUYS

SITTING IN A PRISON CELL, I AM

NOT GOING BACK THERE, YOU HEAR

ME! STILL PULLING PIECES OF

THAT OUT OF MY ASS.

>> ANYWAY, THAT IS SYRIA.

JUST A GENERAL ANALOGY.

WE TRIED EVERYTHING.

SANCTIONS IN THE MIDDLE EAST,

CRUISE, EXPLICIT AND NOT AS

EXPLICIT.

WE EVEN TRIED IGNORING THE

REGION AND PRETENDING THE

ATROCITIES HAVE NOTHING TO DO

WITH US.

>> WE EVEN ATTEMPTED DIALOGUE.

EVERY EIGHT YEARS OR SO.

>> EVERY EIGHT YEARS OR SO.

AH, THERE WE GO.

I KNEW THAT WAS COMING.

IT IS LIKE EVEN THOUGH WE ARE A

SUPERPOWER WE HAVEN'T FIGURED

OUT YET WE ACTUALLY DON'T HAVE

SUPERPOWERS.

BUT WE JUST KEEP JUMPING OUT OF

THE BUILDING THINKING WE ARE

GOING TO FLY! YOU COME OUT OF

THE PHONE BOOTH AND TEAR YOUR

SUIT OFF AND YOU KNOW WHAT, YOU

ARE (BLEEP) CLARK KENT.

THERE IS NOTHING THERE AFTER

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