Mr. Fibb

  • Aired:  01/15/13
  •  | Views: 144,260

You can beat testicular cancer. You can win the Tour de France. But you can't win the Tour de France seven times after beating testicular cancer. (5:06)

Captioning sponsored by COMEDY CENTRAL

>> Jon: WELCOME TO "THE DAILY SHOW".

YOU MAGNIFICENT BASTARDS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

WE'VE GOT A GOOD ONE FOR YOU TONIGHT.

CBS NEWS MAN BOB SCHIEFFER HE WILL BE TALKING ABOUT THE NEWS BUSINESS OF WHICH HE IS A PART.

WE'RE GOING TO BEGIN TONIGHT.

THERE'S A LOT OF STORIES.

I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHERE TO START.

[ LAUGHTER ]

LET'S SEE IF WE HAVE ANYTHING IN AN ENORMOUS FALL FROM GRACE.

>> ON MONDAY LANCE ARMSTRONG ADMITTING DOPING WHILE HE WAS WINNING THE TOUR DE FRANCE SEVEN TIMES.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> Jon: I BELIEVED IN YOU LANCE ARMSTRONG.

I SHELLED OUT A DOLLAR FOR A RUBBER BRACELET THAT I HAVE SOMEWHERE IN MY HOUSE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

FOR YOU!

I DID IT FOR YOU.

AND WHEN I THINK OF THE FACT THAT I SPENT A --

[ LAUGHTER ]

WELL, I THINK WE ALL OWE CANCER AN APOLOGY.

[ LAUGHTER ]

OR IS THAT NOT THE LESSON IN ALL THIS?

WELL, LISTEN ARMSTRONG IS A CHEATER BUT IT'S GOOD NEWS FOR AMERICA'S SECOND FAVORITE

CYCLIST WHO I'M SURE IS IN THERE CYCLIST.

AMERICA'S SECOND FAVORITE CYCLIST.

LET'S CALL HIM BIKIE JOE, I GUESS.

WHO GOT HIM TO COME OUT WITH THE TRUTH?

WHAT ENTITY IS MORE POWERFUL THAN LADY JUSTICE?

>> BREAKING NEWS, IT'S SAID THAT LANCE ARMSTRONG HAS CONFESSED IN HIS INTERVIEW WITH OPRAH OPRAH WINFREY

THAT HE USED PERFORMANCE ENHANCING DRUGS.

>> Jon: I DON'T READ ANY MY GUEST BOOKS OH, MY GOD!

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

MY iPOD IS ONLY BOY BANDS.

WHY AM I DOING THIS?

I CAN'T NOT CONFESS.

NO!

GODFATHER 3 IS THE BEST -- NO!

I'M HYPNOTIZED BY HER LOOK.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I AM (bleep) THIS SHOW UP LEFT AND RIGHT, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT TO TELL YOU.

[ LAUGHTER ]

YOU'RE WELCOME.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I APPLAUD YOUR LACK OF PREPARATION.

[ LAUGHTER ]

THE INTERVIEW DOESN'T AIR UNTIL THURSDAY ON THE OWN NETWORK WHICH STANDS FOR OPRAH WIN

FRIDAY IS NOT ON CHANNEL 7 ANYMORE.

YOU'LL FIND IT.

IT'S SURPRISINGLY CANDID AND TIMELY CONVERSATION WITH GAYLE KING OF CBS NEWS OPRAH DESCRIBES

THE INTERACTION.

>> I WOULD SAY THAT HE DID NOT COME CLEAN IN THE MANNER THAT I EXPECTED.

IT WAS SURPRISING TO ME.

I WOULD SAY THAT FOR MYSELF, MY TEAM, ALL OF US IN THE ROOM, WE WERE MESMERIZED AND RIVETTED BY

SOME OF HIS ANSWERS.

>> Jon: SO YOU'RE SAYING WE SHOULD WATCH IT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

BY THE WAY THAT INTERVIEW IS NOT ON SATELLITE, OPRAH JUST APPEARS TO GAYLE WHENEVER GAYLE GAZES

INTO A REFLECTIVE SURFACE.

LANCE ARMSTRONG WAS DOPING.

OF COURSE HE WAS.

YOU CAN BEST CANCER AND YOU CAN WIN THE TOUR DE FRANCE BUT YOU CAN'T BEAT THE TOUR DE FRANCE 7

TIMES AND BEAT CANCER OR VICE VERSA MEANING YOU HAVE WON THE TOUR DE FRANCE AND LOST SEVEN TESTICLES.

IT'S OBVIOUS IN HINDSIGHT.

IT'S LIKE THE TOOTH FAIRY.

OF COURSE, A WINGED FAIRY SPENDS HER LIFE COLLECTING BABY TEETH YET SOMEHOW HAS MONEY IN HER

POCKET TO GIVE OUT.

DEFIES CREDIBILITY.

ANY IDIOT WITH HALF A BRAIN SHOULD HAVE BEEN ABLE TO SEE ARMSTRONG OF LYING.

THEY'VE BEEN TESTING ME LIKE CRAZY.

THEY'VE BEEN FOLLOWING YOU.

DON'T THE RESULTS SPEAK FOR THEMSELVES AT A CERTAIN POINT?

>> Jon: HELLO!

HELLO.

[ LAUGHTER ]

NAILED IT AGAIN.

[ LAUGHTER ]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

YOU KNOW WHAT?

FOR AS GOOD AS INTERVIEWING AS I AM, I WOULD NOT BE SURPRISED IF ARMSTRONG WAS ALSO BANGING DAVID PATREAUS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

LOOKING AT HOW THE TWO OF US HAVE AGED SINCE THAT INTERVIEW, I NEED TO START DOPING.

[ LAUGHTER ]

SO ARMSTRONG ADMITS DOPING.

IT'S A LONG ROAD BACK TO REDEMPTION.

HOW CAN HE FIND HIMSELF BACK TO AMERICA'S GOOD GRACES.

>> HE HAS INDICATED A WILLINGNESS TO TESTIFY AGAINST

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