Pope and Change

  • Aired:  03/07/13
  •  | Views: 55,775

Aasif Mandvi and Samantha Bee observe would-be successors to Pope Benedict XVI. (6:41)

URINATION.

ME TOO.

ON TO THE MAIN STORY POPE BENEDICT 16th BAKE AN EXPOPE AFTER RELUCTANTLY GIVING UP

CUSTODY OF HIS BABY -- NOT MY BABY.

THUS BEGINNING THE RACE TO BECOME THE NEXT PONTIFF.

>> ANY MALE CATHOLIC CAN BE ELECTED POPE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> Jon: ANY MALE CATHOLIC, HUH?

I KNOW A MALE CATHOLIC WHO HAS AN INSIDE TRACK ON INFALLIBILITY, THE QUESTION IS

WOULD O'REILLY ACCEPT THE DEMOTION?

[LAUGHTER]

WHO ARE WE KIDDING?

THEY ARE GOING TO PICK ONE OF THE CARDINALS WHO WHO DO YOU HAVE?

>> CARDINAL SCOLA OF MILAN AN ITALIAN FRONT RUNNER AND CARDINAL TAGLY OF THE PHILIPPINES.

AT 55 HE IS ONE OF YOUNGEST ON THE LIST.

HE LOOKED A BIT LIKE A BOY SCOUT AS HE HELPED AN ELDERLY CARDINAL GO IN.

>> Jon:.

>> Jon: WHAT COULD BE MORE WHOLESOME THAN THAT?

ANY OTHER CANDIDATE?

>> CARDINAL FROM ARGENTINA SAYING THE CHURCH NEEDS NEEDS TO DO A BETTER JOB REACHING OUT TO WOMEN.

>> Jon: WANT TO REACH OUT TO WOMEN?

MAYBE CONSIDER ONE OF THEM FOR POPE?

OH, TOO MUCH?

HOW ABOUT FOR CARDINAL?

NO BISHOP?

[LAUGHTER]

PRIEST?

[LAUGHTER]

GOOD LUCK WITH THAT OUTREACH.

[ LAUGHTER ]

WITH MORE ON THE NEW SLIGHT OF HOPEFULS SENIOR VATICAN CORRESPONDENT AASIF MANDVI.

THANK YOU FOR JOINING US.

YOU ARE AT THE VATICAN RIGHT NOW.

IT'S AN EXCITING TIME TO BE AT THE VATICAN.

WHAT IS THE MOOD LIKE THERE IN ROME?

ARE PEOPLE EXCITED?

>> JON, THE CAMPAIGN IS HEATING UP.

YOU CAN'T SWING ONE OF THOSE SMOKING THINGS ON A CHAIN.

>> Jon: IT'S A SENSOR.

>> I'M SURE THEY HAVE SMOKE DETECTORS.

>> Jon: NO, NO.

>> YOU CAN'T SWING ONE WITHOUT HITTING ONE OF CANDIDATES.

THE AIRWAVES ARE FLOODING.

>> LEONARDO SAID HE IS INFALLIBLE BUT LAST WEEK HE PICKED BRADLEY COOPER IN THE

OSCAR POOL.

BRADLEY COOPER, LEONARDO WRONG ABOUT BRADLEY COOPER WRONG FOR THE VATICAN.

[ LAUGHTER ]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> Jon: I HAVE TO SAY, SEEMS WEIRD IN A CAMPAIGN FOR POPE THAT THE CAMPAIGN WOULD GO NEGATIVE.

HOWEVER SUPERFICIAL.

>> SORRY, YOU WANT SUBSTANCE, BAGEL WITH YOUR SCHMERAR?

>> MARK CLAIMS HE SUPPORTS THE FIRST COUNCIL, CAN HE PREVIOUS HE IS FREE OF HEARSEY?

BEWARE OF HIM?

HE'S A THREAT TO THE MONOPHOCITE.

>> Jon: I'M NOT SURE I UNDERSTAND THAT ONE.

>> THE QUESTION IS TO THE DOCTRINE.

THE AFFIRMATION OF DIVINEITY AND HUMANITY OF JESUS CHRIST.

JON, DUH?

>>

>> Jon: YOU DIDN'T KNOW THE NAME OF SMOKE SIGNAL?

>> I'LL HAVE MORE AFTER THEY DO -- WHAT IS THAT THE CRACKER AND JUICE CEREMONY.

>> Jon: IT'S CALLED COMMUNION.

>> COMMUNION, JOE McHEAL'S SHOW?

IF YOU SAY -- JOEL McHALE'S SHOW?

OF COURSE.

>> Jon: AASIF MANDVI, EVERYBODY.

WHO GETS TO VOTE FOR THE NEW POPE AND WHERE DO THEY DO IT?

IT'S BEEN SET IN STONE FOR CENTURIES BUT THE PROCESS IS STILL A MYSTERY.

>> THE CARDINALS OF CHURCH WILL MEET BEHIND THE LOCKED DOORS OF SISTINE CHAP TOLL ELECT A POPE.

IN THAT PROCESS KNOWN AS A CONCLAVE.

>> CONCLAVE IN LATIN MEANS WITH KEY.

>> Jon: OKAY.

THAT DOESN'T HELP.

TO SHED LIGHT ON THE RITUAL WE GO TO SAMANTHA BEE ALSO IN ROME.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU RAN INTO ASSIF BUT YOU ARE BOTH THERE.

>> IT'S WEIRD.

>> Jon: IT IS WEIRD.

THE CORD NAVES ARE GATHERING IT'S KNOWN AS THE CONCLAVE.

>> NO, CONCLAVE IS LATIN FOR WITH KEY.

WEREN'T YOU LISTENING?

IT DESCRIBES THE CLOSED DOOR MEETING.

>> Jon: WHAT IS THE GROUP CALLED A CONGRESS?

A MINION?

>> NO, I THINK YOU ARE THINKING OF GEESE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> Jon: JEWS, ACTUALLY BUT FINE, WHATEVER.

>> NO, NO, NO, THE COLLECTIVE NOUN FOR A GROUP OF CATHOLIC CARDINALS IS SAY GROPE.

>> Jon: A GROPE OF -- WAIT A WHAT?

>> A GROPE.

YES, CORRECT A GROPE OF CARDINALS.

[LAUGHTER]

>> Jon: THE GROUP OF CARDINALS THEY GATHER IN THE SISTINE.

>> CHAPEL, YES FOR A MOLESTATION.

>> Jon: SAY THAT AGAIN.

>> A MOLESTATION.

IT'S THE IT WILL LITURGICAL NAME.

AFTER THE POPE DIED THE MOTIONATION LASTED THREE YEARS AFTER 1968.

>> Jon: LONG MOLESTATION, LONGEST ON RECORD.

THEY CAN'T END UNTIL.CARDINALS REACH A FELATIO.

>> Jon: WHAT?

>> THE ORAL CONCENSUS ON WHO THE POPE WILL BE.

THEY JUST DID THIS EIGHT YEARS AGO.

YOU FORGOT THIS?

>> Jon: THOSE TERMS ARE.

THE GROPE OF CARDINALS HAS A MOLESTATION UNTIL A ARRIVE AT FELATIO WHICH THEY'LL ANOWNS HOW?

>> WITH WHITE SMOKE RISING FROM THE CHIMNEY.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> Jon: WHAT IS CALLED?

EJACKATION?

-- WHAT IS THAT CALLED, I SUPPOSE YOU'LL TELL ME AN EJACULATION?

>> NO, THAT'S A SHORT PRAYER MEANT TO MEMORIZED AND REPEATED THROUGHOUT THE DAY.

>> Jon: IS THAT FOR REAL?

>> THAT ONE IS 100% FOR REAL.

IF YOU GOOGLE CATHOLIC EJACULATION YOU'LL GET THAT RESULT EVENTUALLY.

>> Jon: REALLY?

>> I SWEAR TO GOD, JON.

IF YOU DON'T MIND, I NEED AN EJACULATION OF MY OWN RIGHT NOW.

>> Jon: THANK YOU.

SAMANTHA BEE, EVERYBODY.

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