Hypochondriac Update

  • Aired:  02/22/12
  •  | Views: 45,128

The World Health Organization plans to publish research on how scientists mutated the avian flu virus into a highly contagious form. (5:17)

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

DISPLON WELCOME BACK.

>> Jon: WELCOME BACK.

IT IS FEBRUARY.

WHEN A YOUNG MAN'S FANCY LIGHTLY

TURNS TO THE TRILLIONS OF GERMS

THAT SURROUND HIM EVERY MOMENT.

TIME FOR OUR LATEST INSTALLMENT

OF "HYPOCHONDRIAC UPDATE,

"BROUGHT TO YOU BY FEAR.

( LAUGHTER ).

FEAR IT'S-- WHAT WAS THAT!

WE BEGIN TONIGHT IN THE WORLD OF

VIRUSES.

>> AA MUITATE BIRD FLU THAT IS

PARTICULARLY MENACING BECAUSE IT

CAN BE PASSED BETWEEN HUMANS.

>> Jon: EVERYBODY BACK!

EVERYBODY BACK!

( LAUGHTER )

KEEP AWAY FROM ME!

YOU GUYS HAVE BIRD FLU!

I CAN TASTE IT ON YOU!

AND IT TASTES SOMETHING LIKE

CHICKEN.

DON'T WORRY, THIS IS A PURELE

RIFLE.

IT SHOOTS HIGH-POWERED PURELE.

AND MY TBES IS I AM NOT-- GUESS

IS I AM NOT HOLDING THIS IN A

PARTICULARLY NECESSARY FASHION.

( LAUGHTER )

KEEP IT TOGETHER, STEWART.

KEEP ACTING THROUGHOUT THIS BIT.

( LAUGHTER ).

THIS HAPPENS ALL THE TIME,

RIGHT?

NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT.

NATURE CREATES GENETIC MUTATIONS

AND VIRUSES ALL THE TIME.

IT'S A RANDOM THING, VERY

UNLIKELY TO BE REPLICATED.

>> SCIENTISTS HERE ENGINEERED

THE NEW VIRUS BY MANIPULATING

JUST A FEW GENES.

ALL SIDES AGREE THE MUTATED BIRD

FLU VIRUS CREATED BY SCIENTISTS

IN ROTTERDAM COULD KILL MILLIONS

IF IT GETS OUT.

>> Jon: TWO THINGS.

ONE, WE MADE THIS?

AND, TWO, IF IT GETS OUT?

( LAUGHTER )

IT WILL GET OUT.

LET ME TELL PLAY A LITTLE KEEP

OUT YOU FOR THE MORNING.

WITH WITH THE MANN IN THIS

MOSQUITO, WE CAN BRING BACK

DINOSAURS.

ISN'T THERE A CHANCE OF BREAK

FREE AND BECOME KILLING

MACHINES?

NO I INSTALLED LOCKS AND

ELECTRICITY.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

( LAUGHTER )

ISN'T THERE ANY WAY WE CAN

PROTECT OURSELVES FROM THIS

DOOMSDAY VIRUS?

>> INTERNATIONAL PUBLIC HEALTH

OFFICIALS SAY THE BEST WAY TO--

>> LAMINATE YOUR SKIN SO THE

GERMS CAN'T GET IN, NOBODY TOUCH

ANYBODY AGAIN, AND EVERYBODY

LIVE INSIDE OVER-SIZED HAMPSTER

BALLS, AND I MEAN THE PLASTIC

ONES, NOT ACTUAL HAMP STERS'

BALLS THAT-- WHY DON'T I LET THE

MAN FINISH HIS REPORT.

>> INTERNAL HEALTH OFFICIALS SAY

THE BEST WAY TO PROTECT THE

PUBLIC IS RELEASE THE RESEARCH.

>> THE WORLD HEALTH ORGANIZATION

WILL RELEASE FULL DETAILS NOW OF

TWO STUDIES ON THE BIRD FLU.

>> Jon: WHAT?

WAIT, WHAT?

RELEASE THE RESEARCH ON HOW YOU

MUTATED THE BIRD FLU VIRUS TO

US?

HAVE YOU MET US?

( LAUGHTER )

WE CAN'T BE TRUSTED WITH THAT

INFORMATION.

WE CAN'T BE TRUSTED WITH AN

ELECTRICAL OUTLET AND A FORK.

YOU KNOW WHY THERE ARE LITTLE

ACTETS OF SILICON GELS THISP

THAT COME WITH YOUR SHOES SAY,

"DO NOT EAT ON THEM," BECAUSE WE

WOULD EAT THEM.

TO BE FAIR THE INFORMATION WAS

GOING TO GET OUT SOONERRER

LATER.

YOU KNOW IF THEY TRIED TO KEEP

THE INFORMATION SECRET IT WOULD

HAVE WOUND UP ON WIKIBEAKS, THE

WIKILEAKS EQUIVALENT RUN BY

PENGUIN ASSANGE.

( APPLAUSE )

THAT REALLY FELT MORE LIKE PITY

THAN ANYTHING ELSE?

( LAUGHTER )

COME ON!

RELEASING THE INFORMATION ON HOW

YOU MUTATED THAT VIRUS TO THE

PUBLIC?

WHAT DO SECURITY EXPERTS THINK

OF THIS?

>> SECURITY EXPERTS SAY IT IS

CRAZY TO LET THESE SECRETS GET

INTO THE HANDS OF TERRORISTS.

>> I AGREE WITH PEOPLE THAT SAY

IT'S NOT LIKELY THAT A TERRORIST

COULD ACTUALLY USE THIS TO

CREATE A PANDEMIC, BUT NOT

LIKELY IS NOT IMPOSSIBLE.

>> Jon: TERRORISTS, I

( BLEEP ) DIDN'T THINK OF THAT.

TERRORISTS?

AND NOT LIKELY?

PEOPLE SAID IT WASN'T LIKELY

THAT MALCOLM IN THE MIDDLE'S DAD

WOULD BUILD A REPUBLICAN EMPIRE

OUT OF AN R.V. AND A BOTTLE OF

SUDAFED.

BUT LOOK WHAT HE DID.

EVEN IF TERRORISTS NEVER MANAGE

TO WEAPONNIZE THE BIRD FLU, THAT

DOESN'T MEAN IT COULDN'T

EVENTUALLY MAKE THE LEAP TO

HUMANS.

I EVEN KNOW HOW IT'S GOING TO

HAPPEN.

THE MAN WHO COULD START THE NEXT

BIRD FLU PANDEMIC, PATIENT ZERO,

IF YOU WILL.

>> IT TAKES A TOUGH MAN TO MAKE

A TENDER FORECAST, NICK.

KEEP ( BLEEP ) THAT CHICKEN.

>> OKAY, I'LL DO THAT.

>> ALL RIGHT.

( APPLAUSE )

>> Jon: YOU SEE THE FACE

SHE'S MAKING?

HE JUST GAVE HER THE BIRD FLU.

THAT'S HOW EASY.

Loading...