Let's All Stand on John McCain's Lawn

  • Aired:  01/05/11
  •  | Views: 247,389

Puppet Senator John McCain attributes his crankiness to America not electing him president. (9:21)

>> Jon: WELCOME TO "THE DAILY

SHOW".

MY NAME IS JON STEWART.

WHAT A PROGRAM TONIGHT.

OUR GUEST TONIGHT JIMMY WALES,

COFOUNDER OF WIKIPEDIA.

YOU CAN GET ANYTHING ON

WIKIPEDIA, WHERE MY GRANDPARENTS

ARE FROM YOU CAN LOOK UP.

JIMMY WALES IS THE COFOUNDER OF

WIKIPEDIA.

IT'S SOMETHING I FOUND OUT ON

WIKIPEDIA.

LOOKING UP WIKIPEDIA ON

WIKIPEDIA YOU ENTER A WORM HOLE

AND COME OUT OF YOUR OWN

(bleep).

[ LAUGHTER ]

THAT'S SOMETHING YOU WON'T SEE

ON GOOGLE EARTH.

[LAUGHTER]

VERY QUICKLY, FOLKS, VERY BIG

NEWS TODAY FROM THE WHITE HOUSE.

TAKE A LOOK.

>> ROBERT GIBBS IS LEAVING THE

WHITE HOUSE.

>> Jon: OH, NO!

NOW WHO WILL OUR IN ADDITION'S

PRESS CORPS TURN TO FOR ITS

CHOREOGRAPHED NONANSWERED?

[LAUGHTER]

LEAVING AFTER TWO YEARS.

WHY IS IT NO HUMAN BEING CAN

WITHSTAND TWO YEARS AS A

PRESIDENTIAL PRESS SECRETARY.

THERE MUST BE AN ORGAN SOMEWHERE

IN THE BODY THAT CAN ONLY FILTHY

TWO YEARS WORTH OF HEAVY DUTY

(bleep).

[LAUGHTER]

NOT THAT THINGS AREN'T TURNING

AROUND FOR THE WHITE HOUSE.

BY THE WAY, IT'S BEEN A VERY

GOOD MONTH FOR THEM.

HERE IS HOW I KNOW.

NO LOVE LOST WITH THE OBAMA

ADMINISTRATION.

TODAY IS THE DAY THE REPUBLICANS

TAKE POWER IN THE HOUSE OF

REPRESENTATIVES.

YOU EXPECT THE POST GOING APE,

CHANGING OF THE GUARD -- SHOULD

THE LEADER OF THE FREE WORLD

DRESS LIKE THIS EVEN ON

VACATION?

[LAUGHTER]

THAT'S IT?

THAT'S ALL YOU GOT?

[LAUGHTER]

IT'S A HELL OF A QUESTION, I MY

ANSWER IS I GUESS IT DEPENDS ON

WHERE THE LEADER OF THE FREE

WORLD IS LIKE A WORLD SUMMIT.

I WOULD SAY NO.

ON A HAWAIIAN VACATION ONLINE TO

BUY SNOCONES FOR YOUR KIDS, I

THINK IT'S GOOD, YEAH.

I GUESS NOT EVERYBODY IS AS

PRESIDENTIAL AS THE GUY YOU

LOVED WAS.

YEAH THAT'S PRESIDENT PRESIDENT

BUSH IN SPANDEX.

YOU KNOW THAT OUTFIT DIDN'T

UPSIT ME AS UNPRESIDENTIAL

BECAUSE HE WAS ON A BIKE.

WASHINGTON IS A FLUTTER WITH THE

EXCITEMENT OF ITS INCOMING CROP

OF NEW CONGRESS PEOPLE.

>> THE BIGGEST FRESHMAN CLASS

SINCE 1992 WAS SWORN IN TODAY.

>> A LOT OF NEW FACES COMING TO

CAPITOL HILL.

>> IT'S LIKE THE FIRST DAY OF

SCHOOL ON CAPITOL HILL.

>> LOOK AT HIM SAL RATE ISING.

IT'S THE SAME EXCITEMENT THAT

FILLS COLLEGE CAMPUSES EVERY

FALL AS THE UPPER CLASSMEN PER

RUSE THE FRESHLY STOCKED POND OF

FRESHMAN MEAT PROBING FOR LOW

ALCOHOL TOLERANCE.

TEA PARTY REFORMER RAN ON

SMALLER GOVERNMENT.

I WOULD (bleep) YOU THE FIRST

WEEK.

[LAUGHTER]

BUT IT'S NOT ALL THE NEWBIES.

IT'S REALLY 90% OLDBIES IN

WASHINGTON STILL.

THERE'S NO OLDERBIE THAN

ARIZONA'S SENIOR SENIOR, SENIOR

EVEN BY ARIZONA'S STANDARDS CHRK

IS SAYING SOMETHING, JOHN

McCAIN.

FUN FACT, THE ONLY SITTING U.S.

SENATOR WHO ALSO SERVED IN THE

ROMAN SENATE.

[LAUGHTER]

McCAIN NOW STANDS ON JULIUS

CAESAR THAT'S NOT CHANGE WE CAN

BELIEVE IN.

[LAUGHTER]

McCAIN STANDS NOW LESS AS A

PARA GONE OF STRAIGHT TALK

INDEPENDENCE AND MORE AS AN

OBJECT LESSON AS JUST HOW

(bleep) MAD PEOPLE GET WHEN

THEY DON'T GET THEIR WAY.

FOLLOWING THE HISTORIC REPEAL OF

DON'T ASK, DON'T TELL, THE BAN

ON GAYS GAYS TO BEING ABLE TO SERVE

IN THE MILITARY.

>> THIS VOTE WILL PASS IN THE

LAME DUCK SESSION.

AND THERE WILL BE HIGH FIVES IN

THE ELITE SCHOOLS THAT BAR

MILITARY RECRUIT KERRS FROM

CAMPUS, IN SALONS OF GEORGETOWN.

>> Jon: LIBERAL BASTIONS,

SALONS OF GEORGETOWN, WHAT

DECADE ARE YOU LIVING IN

WASHINGTON?

YOU KNOW THE REASON THAT KATHRYN

GRAHAM DOESN'T INVITE YOU TO

DINNER WITH THE FRENCH

AMBASSADOR ANYMORE IS SHE DIED

TEN YEARS AGO.

NOT TO PUT TOO FINE A POINT ON

IT, BUT LIBERAL BASTIONS, I

DON'T THINK HIGH FIVE.

WE HARUMPH APPROVINGLY.

OH, YEAH.

HUH.

YEAH,.

[LAUGHTER]

THE GALLING ASPECT OF HIS

REACTION IS NOT HIS BYAR CLASS

RESENTMENT BECAUSE SERIOUSLY

McCAIN PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN TEN

HOUSES SHOULDN'T THROW STONES,

BUT IN FACT, HIS DIRE

REDECISIONS REGARDING THE

INSIDIOUS EFFECT OF GRANTING

AMERICAN CITIZENS FULL RIGHTS TO

FIGHT FOR THEIR COUNTRY.

>> SAID TO A VERY SAD DAY.

-- TODAY IS A VERY SAD DAY.

THE COMANT DANT OF UNITED STATES

MA ROAN CORPS SAYS WHEN YOU LIFE

HANGS ON THE LINE YOU DON'T WANT

ANYTHING DISTRACTING.

MISTAKES AND INATTENTION ARE

DISTRACTIONS THAT COST MARINES

LIVES.

I DON'T WANT TO PERMIT THAT

OPPORTUNITY TO HAPPEN AND I'LL

TELL YOU WHY.

GO UP TO BETHESDA HOSPITAL

THERE'S MARINES WITH NO LEGS,

NONE.

WE HAVE MARINES WITH NO LIMBS.

>> Jon: YEAH, BUT HERE IS THIS

THE THING: SOME OF THEM ARE

GAY.

MAYBE IT WOULD BE NICE TO BE

VISITED BY THEIR SIGNIFICANT

OTHERS WITHOUT HAVING TO REFER

TO THEM AS A COLLEGE FRIEND OR A

TENNIS COACH.

HIS OLD MAN CRANKNESS HAS GONE

OFF THE CHARTS.

HE HAS GONE FROM A MAN OF WISDOM

ALL WAIT TO FULL G, RAN TORINO.

>> GET OFF MY LAWN.

>> Jon: YEAH.

SEEING HOW EASY IT IS TO ANNOY

JOCK McCAIN NOW WE'LL MAKE IT

OUR MISSION TO DO SO.

WE COULD GO THE PUBLIC CALL JOKE

ROUTE PERHAPS USING HIS AVERSION

TO LIFESTYLES TO GO ON

FOURSQUARE AND CHECK HIM IN AS

THE MEMBER OF THE GENTLEMAN'S

CLUB OR ADD BIGGER THE CLOTHS SO

HE BELIEVES HE IS SHRINKING OR

THERE'S THE CHARLIE RANGEL

APPROACH WHERE HE DOES SOMETHING

NEWSWORTHY WHERE HE CREATE AN

INCREDIBLY CHILDISH GAG.

OR THE MICHAEL STEELE.

HOW WILL WE DO IT?

I DON'T KNOW.

WE'LL FIND OUT WHEN WE ANNOUNCE

OUR SENATOR ANNOYING SEGMENT.

♪ ♪

OBVIOUSLY THAT IS FIGURATIVE.

WE DON'T HAVE ENOUGH PEOPLE TO

STAND ON ALL AT ONCE BUT LET'S

ALL STAND ON JOHN McCAIN'S

LAWN WE WELCOME A NEW MEMBER OF

"THE DAILY SHOW" TEAM AND QUITE

SURPRISING HE WOULD BE WILLING

TO PLAY BALL WITH US AFTER ALL

WE SAID ABOUT HIM HERE.

PLEASE WELCOME TO THE PROGRAM

PUPEL SENATOR JOHN McCAIN.

HELLO.

YEAH, THAT LITTLE WHAT THERE IS

WHAT SOLD IT?

>> CAN I WALK.

>> Jon: HELLO SENATOR

McCAIN.

NICE TO SEE YOU.

>> TALK OFF YOUR MAKEUP YOU DAMN

TROLLOP.

>> Jon: NICE TO SEE YOU, CINCH

THE LIGHTS ARE TOO BRIGHT.

THEY BURN MY SKIN.

YOU ARE GOING TO MAKE ME LOOK

LIKE A MEXICAN.

BUILD THE DANG FENCE.

[LAUGHTER]

BUILD IT!

>> Jon: SENATOR IT'S OUR

AUDIENCE.

THEY ARE NOT BUILDERS.

>> THEY COULD PROBABLY BUILD.

>> Jon: I UNDERSTAND.

WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO YOU?

>> I'M THROUGH BEING NICE.

YOU ARE A FIRST CLASS (bleep)

STEWART AND YOU ARE SHORT, TOO

DIP WAD.

>> Jon: REALLY DICK WAD?

YOU KNOW, YOU'VE BEEN BECOME

TRULY HORRIBLE?

>> YEAH, WHOSE FAULT IS THAT?

>> Jon: I DON'T KNOW.

>> YOU.

>> Jon: WHAT?

>> ALL OF YOU.

ALL YOU HAD TO DO WAS MAKE ME

YOUR PRESIDENT BUT NOOOOO.

HE'S TOO OLD.

HE PICKED SARAH PALIN.

HE GOT RID OF EVERY PRINCIPLE HE

HELD SACRED.

I'M SICK OF YOUR (bleep).

SO I GOT A LITTLE SOMETHING FOR

YOU.

[LAUGHTER]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

BOO-YA!

READ IT AND WEEP JEW BOY!

[LAUGHTER]

>> Jon: WOW.

THIS IS -- ALL RIGHT.

WELL LOOK, GOOD LUCK WITH THE

NEW SIX YEAR TERM IN THE SENATE.

>> GO (bleep) YOURSELF COLLEGE

BOY.

I SHOULD BE YOUR PRESIDENT.

MY FATHER WAS AN ADMIRAL.

HIS FATHER WAS AN ADMIRAL AND I

SHOULD BE PRESIDENT!

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