Tree Fighting Ceremony - War on Christmas

  • Aired:  12/06/11
  •  | Views: 192,273

As long as conservatives view the words "Happy Holidays" as a subtextual "F**k you and your Baby Jesus," there can be no peace. (4:50)

7-ELEVEN DOES TODAY.

YEAH, WE'RE OPEN.

FOX, YOU TAKE FOR GRANTED THE

UBIQUITY OF CHRISTMAS.

BUT IF THERE HAS BEEN A WAR,

CHRISTMAS IS THE AGGRESSOR

NATION.

RIGHT NOW EVERY PUBLIC SPACE IN

THE COUNTRY LOOKS LIKE IT GOT

HIT WITH A 500-POUND TINSEL

BOMB.

THE WHITE HOUSE LOOKS LIKE A

YULETIDE EPISODE OF HOARDERS."

(LAUGHTER)

MANY OF THESE DISPLAYS ARE

SUBSIDIZED BY... WHAT'S THAT

THING YOU DON'T WANT TO SPEND ON

ANYTHING?

TAXPAYER MONEY!

YOU WANT TO FIGHT ABOUT

SOMETHING TAKING THE CHRIST OUT

OF CHRISTMAS?

♪ ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS

YOU... ♪

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

WHATEVER YOU THINK IS THE REASON

FOR THE SEASON, IT DOES NOT

INVOLVE MARIAH CAREY IN A HALF A

SANTA SUIT PRESENTING HER ASS TO

JUSTIN BIEBER LIKE A HORNY BONO

BOW.

(LAUGHTER)

BY THE WAY, WHAT IF WE ALL DID

GO BACK TO ALWAYS CALLING THEM

AS CHRISTMAS TREES AND SAYING

"MERRY CHRISTMAS"?

WOULD THAT MAKE YOU HAPPY?

>> THE GOOD NEWS IS, NOW SOME

RETAILERS ARE GOING BACK TO

USING THE WORD "CHRISTMAS"

AGAIN, BUT ARE THEY DOING IT

JUST TO MAKE A QUICK BUCK?

AND IF SO, ARE YOU OKAY WITH

THAT?

>> Jon: WE CAN'T WIN.

(LAUGHTER)

I MEAN, SURE THEY'RE SAYING

"MERRY CHRISTMAS" BUT DO THEY

MEAN IT?

AND THE WAY WE WANT THEM TO MEAN

IT LIKE, YOU KNOW, THAT JESUS IS

THEIR SAVIOR?

THAT IS WHY TONIGHT I MUST MAKE

THE HARDEST DECISION THAT ANY

ANCHOR OF A FAKE NEWS PROGRAM

HAS TO MAKE.

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

THEY'RE UNUSUALLY BOISTEROUS FOR

AN ANNOUNCEMENT OF WAR.

MY FELLOW AMERICANS, TONIGHT I

HUMBLY COME BEFORE YOU TO

DECLARE WAR ON CHRISTMAS.

WE DID NOT... SURE.

WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS WAR, BUT

NEITHER WILL WE SHRINK FROM IT.

IT IS SAID THAT WE PROVOKED

THESE HOSTILITIES THROUGH OUR

USE OF THE PHRASE "HAPPY

HOLIDAYS."

THIS IS A LIE.

THAT WAS A PHRASE BORNE NOT OF

AGGRESSION BUT OF CONVENIENCE.

BUT AS LONG AS OUR ENEMIES VIEW

THE WORD HAPPY HOLIDAYS NOT AS A

WAY TO AVOID THE TIME SUCKING

DOUBLE SALUTATION "I WISH YOU A

HEARRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY NEW

YEAR" BUT RATHER AS A SUBTEX

WALL "(BLEEP) YOU AND YOUR BABY

JESUS" THERE CAN BE NO PEACE!

(LAUGHTER)

WE NOW ASK THAT CHRISTMAS

IMMEDIATELY AND UNILATERALLY

WITHDRAW TO ITS PRE-'67 BORDERS.

PRE1667 BORDERS.

DO THIS NOW.

THAT WAS MY NIXON!

NO!

NO!

YOU DON'T DESERVE MY NIXON.

(LAUGHTER).

(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

DO THIS NOW OR FACE THE FULL

NIGHT OF OUR SECULAR

MULTICULTURAL SOCIETY.

IT'S A... NO, THAT'S NOT A

PRESIDENT.

IT'S A WORLD WHERE CHRISTMAS

WILL HAVE TO SHARE STATEHOUSE

ROTUNDAS NOT JUST WITH JEWS BUT

WITH HINDUS, BUDDHISTS, WICCANS,

SANTERIA, ATHEISTS AND, OF

COURSE, MUSLIMS.

(LAUGHTER)

WE WILL FIGHT UNTIL WE LIVE IN A

WORLD WHERE FREE AMERICANS

EVERYWHERE SEEK NOT VALIDATION

OF THEIR RELIGIOUS BELIEFS

THROUGH MACY'S SIGNAGE.

WHERE NONSECTARIAN GREETINGS ARE

NOT SEEN AS DIMINISHING THE THE

MOST UBIQUITOUS TWO-MONTH

HOLIDAY IMMERSION SINCE

CALIGULA'S BIRTHDAY PARTY.

(LAUGHTER)

UNTIL THAT DAY, I WISH YOU AND

YOUR FAMILY IN THIS SEASON A

HAPPY AND HEART FELT END OF THE

FISCAL FOURTH QUARTER.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

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