Post-Democalyptic World - Whine Country - Employee Benefits

  • Aired:  11/13/12
  •  | Views: 229,007

Lacking good outsourcing options, the pizza and coal industries cut employee benefits and blame Obamacare. (3:20)

>>PIZZAS.

>> Jon: I JUST HAVE NO (BLEEP)ING IDEA HOW THEY'RE GOING TO DO THIS.

(LAUGHTER) HEY, I KNOW, JOB CREATORS, SEE ME AT CAMERA THREE.

THANKS FOR JOINING ME, I KNOW YOU'VE GOT A BUSY SCHEDULE JOB CREATING AND THE BOOTSTRAP

PULLING AND ALL SO I'LL KEEP THIS BRIEF OR I'LL PROACTIVELY DOWNSIZE THE TIME SPAN INTENSITY

OF OUR DIALOGUE VIS-A-VIS -- WHATEVER.

ALL RIGHT.

(LAUGHTER) GUYS I GET IT, PROVIDING HEALTH CARE BENEFITS TO EMPLOYEES COST MONEY AND AS A GROUP YOU TEND TO

PREFER THINGS THAT DO NOT COST THAT.

(LAUGHTER) I WATCH "UNDERCOVER BOSS." (LAUGHTER) BUT OWN YOUR LAYOFFS AND YOUR POLICIES.

LET'S STOP PRETENDING THAT SUDDENLY THIS ELECTION BOSSES HAVE BEEN TRANSFORMED INTO

RELUCTANT AS (BLEEP)S.

(LAUGHTER) OBAMACARE IS JUST THE LATEST EXCUSE TO WRIGGLE OUT OF THE SOCIAL CONTRACT.

FOR MANY YEARS FULL TIME BENEFITS LIKE SICK DAYS MARX TERNTY LEAVE, PENSIONS, LUNCH

HOURS, CHAIRS, HAVE DISAPPEARED BY MAGICALLY TRANSFORMING FULL-TIME WORKERS INTO

INDEPENDENT CONTRACTORS OR PART-TIME 20-YEAR TEMP HELP.

(LAUGHTER) WANT TO AVOID PAYING HALF OF YOUR EMPLOYEES' SOCIAL SECURITY TAX?

RECLASSIFY THEM AS INDEPENDENT CONTRACTORS SO THEY PAY IT ALL THEMSELVES.

MAKE THEM FILL OUT A 1099.

THAT'S NOT A FULL-TIME BUSBOY, THAT'S JUAN CO, L.L.C . DON'T FORGET TO INVOICE US, JUAN CO.

(LAUGHTER) SO LET'S CUT THE "I'D LOVE TO BE ABLE TO GIVE EMPLOYEES HEALTH CARE, I JUST CAN'T."

LET'S FACE THE FACTS.

PIZZA AND COAL COMPANIES ARE JUST UNLUCKY ENOUGH TO HAVE A LABOR FORCE THAT CAN'T BE OUTSOURCEED.

YOU HAPPEN TO BE IN ONE OF THE FEW INDUSTRIES THAT STILL HAS TO HIRE AMERICANS.

IF YOU COULD OUTSOURCE YOUR PIZZA MAKING TO CHINA PAPA JOHN'S WOULD QUICKLY BECOME PAPA-SAN.

WHICH IS ACTUALLY JAPAN.

BUT, YOU KNOW, FOR THE JOKE YOU UNDERSTAND.

IT'S YOUR FAULT!

YOU COULD HAVE GONE TECH, PAPA JOHN.

FOUNDED INSTAGRAM AND MADE A BILLION DOLLARS.

INSTEAD YOU MADE PIZZAS WITH A FILTER THAT MAKES THEM TASTE LIKE IT'S 1979.

(LAUGHTER) AND MURRAY WITH THE COAL COMPANY.

DON'T PRETEND YOU'RE NOT GOING TO FIRE ALL YOUR HUMAN COAL MINERS THE MINUTE YOU FIGURE OUT

HOW TO TRAIN BATS TO CARRY COAL LUMPS UP OUT OF THE GROUND.

NOT THAT YOU GUYS DON'T HAVE A LEGITIMATE GRIPE AGAINST THIS PRESIDENT.

OBAMA HAS FOUGHT HARDER FOR SINGLE PAYER HEALTH CARE BUSINESS OWNERS LIKE YOU WOULD

NEVER HAVE TO PAY ANOTHER PREMIUM IN YOUR LIVES.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) YOU COULD STUFF YOUR PIZZA CRUST WITH MONEY AND STILL SELL THEM

FOR $10 AND IF OBAMA BANNED NATURAL GAS FRACKING THEN COAL WOULDN'T BE GETTING ITS ASS

KICKED IN THE -- WHAT'S IT CALLED, AGAIN?

FREE MARKET.

(LAUGHTER) SO MAYBE NEXT TIME TAKE ALL THE MILLIONS YOU DONATED FOR PARTISAN POLITICAL PURPOSES AND

PUMP IT BACK INTO THE TYPE OF HEALTH CARE ADVANCES THAT MAY ULTIMATELY INCREASE BUSINESS PRODUCTIVITY.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) AND THEN WE CAN JUST FINALLY KEEP PIZZA OUT OF POLITICS.

(LAUGHTER) BECAUSE AT A CERTAIN POINT IT'S GOING TO MAKE CHILDREN'S PARTIES VERY UNCOMFORTABLE.

>> HEY, CITIZENS!

YOU MUST RESIST THE PRESIDENCY OF BARACK HUSSEIN OBAMA.

SEND HIM BACK TO KENYA!

SHOW YOUR BIRTH CERTIFICATE AND PLAY FOR FREE!

>> Jon: WE'LL BE RIGHT

Loading...