Taking the LA Clippers for a Spin

  • Aired:  05/08/14
  •  | Views: 77,081

Deranged millionaire John Hodgman explains why he wants to acquire the Los Angeles Clippers. (5:26)

>> Jon: WELCOME BACK.

SO, WHEN WE LAST LEFT WE WERETALKING ABOUT THE APPLE MUFFIN.

( LAUGHTER )A WEEK AFTER THE N.B.A. SAID IT

WOULD TRY TO FORCE L.A. CLIPPERSOWNER DONALD STERILING TO SELL

HIS TEAM, THE FRANCHISE HAS NOSHORTAGE OF WEALTHY SUITORS.

>> OPRAH WINFREY SAYS SHE'SINTERESTED IN BUYING THE

CLIPPERS, PARTNERING WITH DAVID

GEFFEN AND ORACLE OWNER LARRYELLISON.

>> THEN THERE'S RAPPERRICK ROSS.

>> SEAN P. DIDDY COMBS.>> FRANKIE MUNIZ.

>> MATT DAMON.

>> EVEN BOXERS, FLOYDMAYWEATHER, OSCAR DELA HOYA.

>> MAGIC JOHNSON CONFIRMING HE'SA POTENTIAL BUYER AS WELL.

>> Jon: WOW, THAT IS ANECLECTIC GROUP OF INVESTORS.

OR THE WEIRDEST AWARD SHOWLINEUP EVER.

LIKE A RANDOM CELEBRITYNAME GENERATOR.

IT SEEMS LIKE EVERY WEALTHYDILETTANTE IN AMERICA WANTS TO

BUY THE LOS ANGELES CLIPPERS.NOW,

>> AREN'T YOU FORGETTINGSOMEONE, JON?

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )>> Jon: DERANGED MILLIONAIRE

JOHN HODGMAN.

>> YES, THAT'S RIGHT. AND ITHINK I'D LIKE TO TAKE THE L.A.

CLIPPERS FOR A SPIN. ( LAUGHTER )

THANK YOU. THANK YOU.

>> Jon: COME AND SIT DOWN.

>> OKAY.

>> Jon: ARE YOU TRYING TOBUY THE CLIPPERS FROM 1972?

>> OH, I LIKE TO GET,

I LIKE TO LET THE BOYSBREATHE, YOU KNOW.

>> Jon: ALL RIGHT.

>> OBVIOUSLY, I HAVE TO BUY THECLIPPERS, JON, BECAUSE I,

OBVIOUSLY, OWN THE CALVESALREADY.

>> OOOOOH!

>> Jon: I HOPE WE WHITEBALANCE THE SCREEN TONIGHT

BECAUSE OF THAT.

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

>> I'M BLOWING OUT FLAT SCREENSALL OVER AMERICA.

>> Jon: YOU ARE BLOWINGOUT-- YOU KNOW, PEOPLE SHOULD

TRY AND -- IT'S GRADE ALEG MEAT.

YOU WANT TO MOVE THAT OFF THETHING THERE?

WHY THE SUDDEN INTEREST INBASKETBALL, IF YOU WILL?

>> OH, I DON'T CARE ABOUTBASKETBALL.

BUT OWNING A SPORTS TEAM IS THELAST REMNANT OF CAPITALISM'S

GOLDEN AGE, WHEN OWNERSCONTROLLED EVERY ASPECT OF THEIR

WORKERS' LIVES AND AS ANOLIGARCH AMERICAN IT'S TIME I

ACQUIRED MY OWN HERD OF HUMANS( LAUGHTER ).

>> Jon: YOU, YOU, I THINK YOUHAVE THE WRONG IDEA HERE.

YOU JUST OWN A TEAM, BUT IT'SNOT, YOU DON'T OWN THE HUMANS.

THEY PLAY ON IT.

>> OH, SO YOU'RE SAYING I AND MYWEALTHY FRIENDS WON'T TAKE TURNS

SELECTING WHICH OF THESE YOUNGMEN WE WANT?

( LAUGHTER )>> Jon: AH... TECHNICALLY,

THAT IS WHAT YOU WOULD DO.

THAT'S HOW THE DRAFTWORKS. BUT IT'S NOT--

>> BUT, I SUPPOSE YOU WOULDNEVER ARRANGE A

PUBLIC INSPECTION OF THEIRBODIES' STRENGTH AND

AGILITY. YES OR NO.( LAUGHTER )

>> Jon: THEY DO-- THEY DO

SCOUT PLAYERS IN THAT MANNER INSOME REGARD.

>> OH, I SEE. WELL,

OBVIOUSLY, ONCE I DRAFT THEM, IWOULDN'T BE ABLE TO DICTATE

THEIR HOME CITY?

>> Jon: YOU PROBABLY WOULD BEABLE TO DICTATE THEIR HOMECITY.

>> OK, SO TO RECAP I TAKE THEMFROM THEIR HOMES AND COMPEL THEM

TO PERFORM PHYSICAL FEATS FOR MYPLEASURE AND PROFIT IN A PLACE

OF MY CHOOSING AND WHEN ITIRE OF THEM I CAN TRADE

THEM WITH MY WEALTHY FRIENDSWITHOUT THEIR CONSENT.

IS THAT RIGHT, JON?

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )>> Jon: YOU KNOW, THIS IS

REALLY-- THIS IS REALLY WHY I'MNOT SURE YOU'RE THE BEST

CANDIDATE TO MOVE THE CLIPPERS,PAST THE LEGACY OF DONALD

STERLING.

>> MOVE PAST THE LEGACY? WHYWOULD I WANT TO DO THAT?

>> Jon: WELL, HE'S A RACISTAND BEING STRIPPED OF HIS TEAM

IN DISGRACE.

>> A TEAM THAT HE BOUGHT FOR $12MILLION THAT HE'S NOW BEING

FORCED TO SELL FOR OVER HALF ABILLION DOLLARS.

JON, THAT'S NOT DISGRACE.

THAT'S A BUSINESS MODEL. AND, ICAN DO BETTER.

IF HE CAN MAKE HALF A BILLION BYBEING SECRETLY RACIST, IMAGINE

HOW MUCH MORE I'LL MAKE WITH THECLIPPERS BY BEING OPENLY RACIST.

>> Jon: NO, I DON'T, I DON'T, IDON'T THINK YOUR MOSTLY BLACK

BASKETBALL TEAM IS GOING TOAPPRECIATE THAT STANCE.

>> OH, DON'T WORRY ABOUT THEM.I'M GOING TO FIRE ALL THE BLACK

PLAYERS. DAY ONE.

I'M TAKING THE CLIPPERS ALLWHITE.

>> Jon: SORRY, SAY THATAGAIN?

>> ALL WHITE. YOU KNOW.LIKE MITT ROMNEY BUYING

MAYONNAISE ON HIS WAY TO ACOLDPLAY CONCERT.

>> Jon: I THINK IF YOUDO THAT TO THE LOS ANGELES

CLIPPERS, LOS ANGELES WILL TEARYOU APART.

>> OH, JON I'LLALREADY BE LONG GONE.

I'M MOVING THE TEAM TOMASSACHUSETTS, BIRTHPLACE OF

CAUCASIAN BASKETBALL.

PEOPLE OF NEW ENGLAND, MEET THENEWEST N.B.A. FRANCHISE, YOUR

BOSTON WHITE SKINS!

>> Jon: YOU CAN'T-- JON,YOU CAN'T GET--

( LAUGHTER )YOU CAN'T GET AWAY WITH A NAME

LIKE THAT.

>> OH, I SEE SO AMERICAN INDIANSCAN HAVE A TEAM NAMED AFTER

THEIR SKIN COLOR BUT WHITESCAN'T?

WELL, THAT'S REVERSE RACISM,JON.

THAT'S OFFENSIVE.

( LAUGHTER ).

>> Jon: REDSKINS AREN'T THENATIVE AMERICANS' TEAM AND THEY

REALLY DON'T LIKE THE NAME, SOIT'S NOT.

>> WELL, MAYBE THEYWOULD LIKE IT MORE IF

THEY HAD A LOVEABLE MASCOT LIKEOURS. MEET SKINNY THE SKINHEAD.

( LAUGHTER )>> Jon: IS THAT-- IS THAT

JUST-- IS THAT A MR. METZ HEAD?

>> YEAH. WE JUST PAINTED OUTTHE LACES AND PUT IT ON A

SKINHEAD.

>> Jon: ISN'T THAT WHATKEEPS HIS BRAINS IN, THOUGH?

>> YOU SEE, JON, AT THIS RATE,I'LL BE FORCED TO SELL THE TEAM

BEFORE THEY SET FOOT ON THECOURT.

I JUST NEED ONE MORE THING TOOUT-STERLING STERLING.

JON, COULD YOU RECORD ME SAYINGSOME RACIST THINGS AND THEN LEAK

THAT TO THE PUBLIC?

>> Jon: UH, I THINK WEALREADY HAVE, JOHN. I THINK, UH.

>> OH, GREAT.

GO, WHITESKINS!

>> Jon: ALRIGHT. THANK YOU VERYMUCH.

>> WHITE POWER!

>> Jon: JOHN HODGEMAN,EVERYBODY. THAT'S THE WRONG--

THAT'S THE WRONGPHRASE FOR YOUR TEAM.

NO, YOU DON'T WANT, YOU DON'TWANT A TEAM LIKE THAT.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

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