Melissa McCarthy

  • Aired:  01/29/13
  •  | Views: 100,198

Melissa McCarthy shares memories from her first-ever standup routine and knows whom to blame for her speeding infractions and the Kennedy assassination. (6:31)

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> Jon: WELCOME BACK I MY GUEST TONIGHT STARS IN CBS' MIKE AND MOLLY.

HER NEW FILM IS IDENTITY THEFT.

>> TOMATO FOR ME.

>> I'LL TAKE A FULL SLAB OF THE BABY BACK AND MASHED TATERS.

>> I ASKED TO YOU EAT LESS FOOD.

>> SHE'S A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN.

YOU LET HER EAT.

>> NO, HE'S RIGHT.

I'VE PUT ON A LITTLE BIT OF WEIGHT BECAUSE OF ALL THE STRESS.

HE WAS A FIREARM.

HE INJURED HIS MALE PARTS.

THEY WERE SHREDDED DOWN THERE.

NOW HE CAN'T WORK.

HE HAS TO -- WANTS TO FIGHT FIRES AND PEE STANDING UP BUT I KNOW HE CAN'T.

>> Jon: PLEASE WELCOME MELISSA McCARTHY.

HELLO!

DHAWZ.

--

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

MELS.

[CHEERS AND MELISSA McCARTHY.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

GEEZ!

>> WOW!

>> Jon: SOAK IT IN.

>> AMAZING.

>> Jon: CONGRATULATIONSES ON EVERYTHING.

>> THANKS, CRAZY.

>> Jon: A LOT OF TIMES YOU GET PEOPLE ON AND THEY'VE DONE VERY WELL FOR THEMSELVES IN THE

BUSINESS AND YOU DON'T CARE FOR THEM.

>> AND THEN THERE'S ME.

>> Jon: NOBODY THAT I KNOW DOESN'T THINK YOU ARE INCREDIBLY HILARIOUS AND INCREDIBLY TALENT

AND ISN'T INCREDIBLY PLEASED FOR YOUR SUCCESS.

>> AW.

>> Jon: IT'S VERY NICE TO SEE GOOD PEOPLE WHO ARE REALLY TALENTED DO WELL.

>> LIKEWISE.

RIGHT BACK AT YOU.

>> Jon: I WAS WATCHING THE TRAILER FOR THE FILM.

IT WAS ONE OF FEW TRAILERS THAT YOU ACTUALLY FELT THE AUDIENCE ENJOY -- IT WAS THE TRAILER THAT

WHEN IT ENDS THERE'S THE MURMUR IN THE THEATER.

DO YOU STILL GET NERVOUS PUTTING THESE THINGS OUT THERE?

>> YES, BECAUSE I FEEL LIKE FOR THIS ONE I'M SO EXCITED BECAUSE I'M REALLY TO BLAME.

I'M MORE TO BLAME BUT I'LL BLAME BATEMAN.

>> Jon: IN ANY SITUATION I THINK HE IS TO BLAME.

>> EVEN THINGS THAT NOTHING TO DO WITH HIM, BATEMAN.

SPEEDING INFRACTION, HE DESERVES IT.

DON'T FEEL BAD FOR HIM.

>> Jon: I'M GOING TO JUMP IN AND SAY KENNEDY ASSASSINATION.

YOU NEVER KNOW.

>> HE HAS WEIRD SKETCHES AND I WON'T GO THERE.

>> Jon: HOW DID THIS HAPPEN YOU BLEW UP IN ILLINOIS -- GREW UP IN ILLINOIS.

>> SMALL TOWN OF PLAINFIELD.

>> Jon: WHAT GAVE YOU THE COURAGE TOLL DECIDE, YOU KNOW -- COURAGE TO DECIDE, YOU KNOW WHAT?

MOVED TO NEW YORK FIRST.

>> WENT TO SOUTHERN ILLINOIS, BOULDER, COLORADO BECAUSE MAYBE SCHOOL WASN'T GOING GREAT OR

MAYBE --

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> Jon: IT'S ALL A BLUR.

>> MY MOSMS KIND OF LIKE WHY DON'T YOU JUST GO.

I THINK THEY WERE HOPING I WAS GOING TO LEAVE AND SAY OKAY I'M READY FOR COLLEGE INSTEAD OF --

[ LAUGHTER ]

THEY STILL HAVE BEER IN COLORADO.

>> Jon: THE ALTITUDE.

>> DRUNK QUICKER.

I WAS SAVING MONEY.

I HAD A FRIEND COME UP TO NEW YORK, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

LIKE, I DON'T KNOW.

I WENT TO NEW YORK AND TWO DAYS LATER I STARTING STANDUP PROBABLY BECAUSE I DIDN'T HAVE

ANY -- LUCKILY I WAS SO DUMB AT THAT AGE IT SERVED ME WELL.

IF I WAS LIKE WAIT, I DON'T WRITE.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M DOING.

I HAVEN'T THOUGHT THIS THROUGH OR AT ALL.

ANYTHING OF THOSE THINGS SHOULD HAVE SAID TO A NORMAL PERSON SAYING DON'T DO THIS.

WE WERE IN A GROCERY STORE.

I HAD NEVER BEEN TO NEW YORK.

SOMEONE SAID YOU SHOULD DO / STAND UP/ STAND-UP I'M LIKE PROBABLY.

NOW I'D SAY OH, GOD, WHY WOULD I SAY YES TO THAT?

WHAT WOULD MAKE ME SAY YES.

>> Jon: DID I FEEL RIGHT?

>> I STILL HAD NOTHING.

I WAS LIKE I GUESS I'LL DO THIS.

>> Jon: SO WONDERFUL.

OUR STORIES MIRROR EACH OTHER EXCEPT FOR THE AUDIENCE REACTION.

THE AUDIENCE I WAS WITH LET ME KNOW I HAD NO SENSE.

I REMEMBER MY FIRST NIGHT ON STAGE IN THE VILLAGE IN NEW YORK 1:00 IN THE MORNING.

HIS FIVE MINUTES OF MATERIAL BEAUTIFULLY SCRIPTED I GOT THROUGH TEN SECONDS AND THE GUY

WAS LIKE YOU SUCK!

>> I GOT A LOVE -- I WAS IN A GOLD PAVE LEATHER CAPE AND HAD A HUGE WIG ON, HIGH RED.

I HAD A SKIRT ON THAT I HAD NO BUSINESS WEARING.

IF IT TAKES TWO OF YOU TO GET IT ON MAYBE YOU SHOULDN'T.

I THOUGHT I LOOK A SOME.

I WAS ON THE STAGE AND TELLING BIG LONG CRAZY STORIES AND AND THE LIGHTS FLASHING.

THEY STARTING FLASHING WHEN I GOT A LITTLE LAUGH.

AND I FELT LIKE YOU ARE AMAZING.

I WAS LIKE I HAVE THIS.

SO EVERY TIME.

AND GUYS -- I KNOW HE'S BACK THERE SWEARING AT ME.

AND EVERY TIME I SAW THE LIGHT I WAS LIKE --

[ LAUGHTER ]

SO I DID LIKE -- GOD KNOWS WHAT I WAS TALKING ABOUT.

PEOPLE WERE LAUGHING BECAUSE THEY FELT BAD FOR ME.

AND I GOT OFF AND THEY ASKED ME TO COME BACK AND SCREAMED AT ME.

I THINK YOU ARE AN IDIOT.

I THOUGHT YOU WERE ENCOURAGING ME.

>> Jon: THAT MAY BE MY FIRST COMEDY NIGHT STORY.

MAN WOULD I HAVE PREFERRED THAT HAPPENING TO ME.

I WAS RIDING IN RIDING IN THE BRONCO AND IT WAS THREE SECONDS AND IT WAS LIKE THAT GUY GOT TRAMPLED LOOK

TAX I'M SO GLAD YOU CAME BY.

THE MOVIE LOOKS HILARIOUS.

COME SEE US AGAIN.

>> I WILL.

>> Jon: IT'S IN

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