I Miss What We Did Last Summer

  • Aired:  07/23/14
  •  | Views: 32,637

A summer filled with violence in the Middle East, the Malaysia Airlines Flight 17 tragedy and a lack of juicy scandals leads to nostalgia for news stories of summers past. (5:03)

>> Jon: WELCOME BACK.

YOU KNOW, IT'S BEEN A ROUGHSUMMER SO FAR.

[BLEEPED].

WITH THE TERRIBLE VIOLENCE INGAZA, THE CARNAGE IN UKRAINE.

MEANWHILE, EVERYONE IN SYRIA'SLIKE, HELLO, ALSO BEING

RELENTLESSLY BOMBED.

MAKES YOU KIND OF NOSTALGIC FORTHE NEWS STORIES OF SUMMERS GONE

BY.

>> THE ULTIMATE SUMMERNIGHTMARE, GREAT WHITE SHARK.

>> THE SUMMER OF THE SHARK.

>> SHARK ATTACKS.

>> THE SUMMER OF THE SHARK.

>> Jon: I MISS THOSE DAYS.

NOTHING SAID SUMMER LIKE FIRINGUP THE GRILL, MIXING SOME G AND

T'S AND WAITING FOR PEOPLE TO BEMAULED BY FISH.

YEAH, SHARKS ARE FISH.

YOU WOULDN'T THINK THEY'RE FISH,BUT THEY'RE FISH, EVEN THOUGH

THEY LACK A SWIM BLADDER.

IT'S WHY THEY CONSTANTLY HAVETO MOVE.

THEY LACK A SWIM BLADDER.

I STAY STILL IN THE WATERBECAUSE I WAS BORN WITH THREE

SWIM BLADDERS, THREE.

I'M BASICALLY NOTHING BUT SWIMBLADDER.

[LAUGHTER]I REALLY, I HAVE A FEELING MY

WIKIPEDIA PAGE JUST CHANGED.

BUT SUMMER WASN'T JUST ABOUTSHARKS.

>> THIS MAY BE THE SUMMER OFSHARK SCARES, BUT ON ONE NEW

HAMPSHIRE BEACH, THE SCARE CAMEFROM A MENACING BALD EAGLE.

>> WHAT KIND OF A MENACE ARESHARKS AND ALLIGATORS.

>> CHILLING TALES OF KILLERMOSQUITOES.

>> Jon: CALL THE SCI-FINETWORK.

PITCH SHAR-QUITO-GATOR.

YOU KNOW, THERE'S A NEW SPECIESON THE ENDANGERED LIST -- MAN.

[LAUGHTER][MENACING MUSIC PLAYING]

WITH MULTIPLE SWIM BLADDERS.

LOOK, I KNOW, I KNOW THOSEYEARS.

I KNOW THOSE YEARS ALSO FEATUREDTHE NON-SCARE PREDATORY ANIMAL

BASED STORIES, BUT SUMMER NEWS,MAN, IT WAS BALANCED, LIKE TAKE

LAST YEAR, FOR EXAMPLE, SURE, WEMAY HAVE HAD A LITTLE WE ARE

LIVING IN A DYSTOPIAN NIGHTMAREWHERE THE GOVERNMENT IS WATCHING

AND LISTENING AND STORINGEVERYTHING YOU DO, BUT WE WASHED

IT DOWN WITH A LITTLE DELICIOUSRACISM AND GRAVY.

AND A POLITICAL SEX SCANDAL THATSPAWNED AN INTERNATIONAL DANCE

CRAZE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

I MISS THAT GUY.

THE GUY, THE GUY IN THE BLUESHIRT, NOT THE OTHER GUY.

THE OTHER GUY I DON'T MISS SOMUCH, BUT THE BLUE SHIRT,

THE OLIVER GUY, THE ENGLISH GUY,I MISS THAT GUY.

HE WAS MY FRIEND.

[AUDIENCE REACTS]THE HEAT HAS MUSHED YOUR BRAINS.

WHERE'S THIS YEAR'S FRESH SECRETIDENTITY CELEBRITY DICK PIC?

WAIT.

SECRET IDENTITY CELEBRITY DICKPIC.

THAT WOULD BE ANOTHER GREAT SHOWTO PITCH TO... WHAT'S THAT?

OH, BRAVO'S ALREADY MAKING IT.

ALL RIGHT.

ISN'T ANYTHING INNOCUOUSTHREATENING OUR SHORES THIS

SUMMER?

>> BEACH-GOER SHOT THIS VIDEOOF A SHARK.

YOU CAN SEE IT WIGGLING THERE ASIT MOVES UP TO SHORE.

>> Jon: THAT'S WHAT I'MTALKING ABOUT.

NOW WE'RE, NOW WE'RE INTO IT.

NOW WE GOT SOMETHING.

DAHH-DA, DAHH-DA, DAHH-DA.

>> UNFORTUNATELY THE SHARK WASCHOKING ON A SEA LION BECAUSE

THE SHARK DIED A SHORT TIMELATER.

[AUDIENCE REACTS]>> Jon: CAN'T CATCH A BREAK.

THIS SUMMER HAS BEEN SODEPRESSING THE SHARKS ARE

COMMITTING SUICIDE. ALL RIGHT,WE GOT NOTHING IN THE SHARK

DEPARTMENT, BUT COMEON, MAN. WE HAVE NOTHING BUT

DEPRESSING NEWS TO COVER.THERE'S GOT TO BE SOME OTHER

OLD, RELIABLE, PROVIDER OFCRAZY.

>> SHE'S BACK, Y'ALL, PAULADEEN.

>> Jon: OH, THIS SHOULD BEGOOD.

WHAT'S SHE DOING NOW, OPENING UPA NEW RESTAURANT, A TGI BLACK

FACE?

I KNOW.

>> PAULA DEEN MAKING A COMEBACK,LAUNCHING HER OWN CHANNEL

ONLINE.

>> GUESS WHO'S GONE DIGITAL,Y'ALL?

[LAUGHTER]>> Jon: YOU KNOW, JUST LICKING

BUTTER OFF YOUR FINGERSISN'T GOING DIGITAL,

YOU KNOW THAT, RIGHT?

SO THAT WAS NOTHING, NOTHINGALBEIT WITH A SIDE OF FRIES,

BUT COME ON. THIS IS IN AMERICA.

HOW ARE WE IN A STUPID STORYDROUGHT?

WE HAVE SUCH ABUNDANT NATURALRESERVES OF CRAZY.

HIT ME, HIT ME HARD.

>> WELL, SARAH PALIN WENT ALITTLE ROGUE ON AN ALASKA

ROADWAY LAST WEEK.>> Jon: PLEASE.

PLEASE TELL ME SHE WAS CAUGHTDRUNK RIDING ON MOOSEBACK.

>> THE FORMER GOVERNOR WASPULLED OVER FOR SPEEDING IN HER

HOMETOWN OF WASILLA. SHEWAS ASKED ABOUT IT.

SHE JOKED, "I WASN'T SPEEDING.

I WAS QUALIFYING FOR NASCAR."

[LAUGHTER]>> Jon: THAT'S NOT A SCANDAL.

THAT WAS ACTUALLY A PRETTY GOODJOKE.

SON OF A BITCH. WE'RE DOOMED.

SOMEBODY GET ME A SEA LION TOCHOKE ON.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

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