You're Welcome - Constitutional Crisis

  • Aired:  08/12/10
  •  | Views: 76,859

John Hodgman wants to update the Constitution by giving it a hip new name, trimming the fat and putting it on the Internet. (6:48)

>> Jon: THE NATIONAL-- THE

NATIONAL IMMIGRATION DEBATE

IS MORE CONTENTIOUS THAN

EVER WITH GROWING FEARS OF

THESE ANCHOR BABIES WE

TALKED ABOUT EARLIER, TERROR

BABY, MUPPET BABIES COMING

TO OUR SHORES.

BY THE WAY CHECK OUT THE NEW

MUPPET CHARGE ANCHOR ME

TERROR BABY.

ADOREABLY DESTRUCTIVE TO OUR

COUNTRY.

THE TROUBLE STEMS FROM THE

CONSTITUTION ITSELF,

SPECIFICALLY THE 14th

AMENDMENT'S PROMISE OF BIRTH

RIGHT CITIZENSHIP.

>> THE 14th AMENDMENT

GRANTED CITIZENSHIP TO,

QUOTE, ALL PERSONS BORN OR

NATURALIZED IN THE UNITED

STATES TO PROTECT NEWLY

FREED SLAVES AND THEIR

CHILDREN, AND GUARANTEE

THEIR RIGHTS AS CITIZENS.

LAST TIME I CHECKED, I DON'T

THINK WE'RE HAVING THAT

PROBLEM ANY MORE.

>> I DON'T THINK THE

FOUNDERS UNDERSTOOD WHEN

THEY DID THE 14th AMENDMENT

THAT IT WOULD CREATE A

CIRCUMSTANCE WHERE PEOPLE

COULD FLY INTO AMERICA ALL

OVER THE WORLD AND HAVE A

CHILD AND THAT CHILD WOULD

HAVE DUAL CITIZENSHIP.

>> Jon: OKAY, TWO THINGS,

REAL QUICK, A THE FOUNDERS

DIDN'T WRITE THE 14th

AMENDMENT THAT HAPPENED IN

1860.

AND ACTUALLY BEN FRANKLIN

VERY MUCH WANTED TO FLY AND

HAVE BABIES ALL AROUND THE

WORLD THAT IS WHY HE

INVENTED THE SEX KITE.

ANYWAY...

(LAUGHTER)

>> Jon: DOES THE

CONSTITUTION NEED CHANGING,

FOR ANSWERS WE TURN TO JOHN

HODGMAN AND HIS SEGMENT,

YOU'RE WELCOME.

>> Jon: JOHN HODGMAN JOINS

US, THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR

JOINING US.

I APPRECIATE YOU BEING HERE.

WHAT IS YOUR TAKE ON THE

CONSTITUTIONAL CRISIS.

>> WELL, THE REALITY THE

CONSTITUTION IS BADLY BROKEN

AND OUT OF DATE.

YOUNG PEOPLE IN PARTICULAR

NEVER READ IT ANY MORE EVEN

THOUGH IT IS ALMOST

RIDICULOUSLY EASY TO STEAL

FROM THE NATIONAL ARCHIVES.

>> Jon: THAT IS THE ACTUAL

CONSTITUTION.

>> I BELIEVE THIS 5th

AMENDMENT SAYS I DON'T HAVE

TO ANSWER THAT QUESTION.

>> Jon: ALL RIGHT.

>> IN FACT THAT MEANS IT A

GOOD ONE SO WE ARE GOING TO

KEEP IT.

THERE WE GO RZ.

>> Jon: ARE YOU DRAWING ON

IT.

>> YES.

>> Jon: HOW ARE YOU GOING TO

GET YOUNG PEOPLE INVOLVED IN

THE CONSTITUTIONS.

>> LET'S START AT THE TOP,

JOHN.

IT'S GOING TO NEED A HIP NEW

NAME.

CONSTITUTION, IT'S VERY

NEGATIVE Y NOT SOMETHING A

LITTLE MORE POSITIVE, WHY

NOT A PRO-STITUTION.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Jon: ACTUALLY THERE IS

ONE REASON I CAN THINK OF

THAT THAT WOULDN'T REALLY BE

A GOOD IDEA.

>> TOO LATE, I'VE ALREADY

MADE THE CHANGE.

WHICH BRINGS ME TO SOLUTION

NUMBER TWO, LET'S TRIM THE

FAT.

I MEAN BASICALLY EVERYTHING

AFTER AMENDMENT 10 WASN'T

WRITTEN BY THE FOUNDERS, SO

THAT CAN GO.

AND SOME CONSTITUTIONAL

SCHOLARS THINK WE CAN GO

FURTHER THAN THAT.

>> CALIFORNIA ALONG WITH SO

MANY OTHER STATES DEFINING

TRADITIONALLY WHAT MARRIAGE

IS.

AND TO SEE THAT THIRD BRANCH

OF GOVERNMENT UNDOING THE

WILL OF THE PEOPLE, IT'S

FRUSTRATING.

>> Jon: THE FOUNDERS

ESTABLISHED JUDICIARY, NOW

JUST TO ABOLISH IT BECAUSE

YOU DON'T AGREE WITH IT,

THAT SEEMS WHAT --

>> A FEW MALL OT WOUNDING

BRAIN BALL BULLIED LAWYERS

OVERRULING THE WILL OF THE

PEOPLE, IT'S UNDEMOCRATIC.

AND MY THIRD SOLUTION, LET'S

GET THE PRO-STITUTION BACK

TO THE PEOPLE BY PUTTING IT

ON THE INTERNET.

I GIVE YOU THE WIKI

WIKI-PRO-STITUTION.

AN OPEN SOURCE DOCUMENT A

MARKETPLACE OF IDEAS WHERE

THE WILL OF THE PEOPLE CAN

FINALLY SPEAK.

IT ALREADY HAS 6,000 NEW

AMENDMENTS, AND AS YOU CAN

SEE THE PEOPLE AND THEIR

WISDOM HAVE OUTLAWED ANCHOR

BABIES, LEGALIZED MARIJUANA,

AND APPARENTLY WE HAVE

BANNED WEREWOLVES.

THAT MAKES SENSE, TEAM

EDWARD IS VERY ACTIVE ON THE

WIKI-PRO-STITUTION.

>> Jon: THAT'S A FASCINATING

DOCUMENT, I'M SURE WE WILL

STAND THE TEST OF TIME BUT

IT'S HARD TO TAKE ARGUMENTS

FOR CHANGING THE

CONSTITUTION SERIOUSLY WHEN

SOME OF THOSE SAME PEOPLE WE

ARE SHOWING NORMALLY SAY THE

CONSTITUTION IS SACROSANCT.

>> A LOT OF PEOPLE DON'T

THINK THEY HAVE TO ENFORCE

THE CONSTITUTION AS IT IS

WRITTEN.

THEY WOULD LIKE TO ENFORCE

IT AS THEY WOULD LIKE IT TO

HAVE BEEN WRITTEN.

>> I AM SO SICK OF PEOPLE

TAKING THIS CONSTITUTION

WE'RE RUNNING IT THROUGH THE

SHREDDER, EVERY TIME

SOMEBODY WANTS TO DO WHAT

THEY WANT TO DO.

>> WE TOOK THESE GUYS A LONG

TIME, THEY READ A LOT OF

BOOKS AND A LOT OF HISTORY

TO PUT THE PRINCIPLESS

TOGETHER IN THIS THING.

(LAUGHTER)

>> WAIT A MINUTE, JON, THAT

IS GLEN BECK'S DEFENSE OF

THE CONSTITUTION T TOOK A

LONG TIME TO WRITE.

IF THAT'S THE CRITERIA THAN

THAT SCREENPLAY ABOUT THE

NOID THAT YOU STARTED BACK

IN THE LATE '80s WILL BE THE

GREATEST DOCUMENT OF ALL

TIME.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Jon: BELIEVE ME, THAT

WILL BE A GREAT FILM.

(LAUGHTER)

>> ANYWAY YOU DIDN'T PLAY

SENATOR SESSIONS ENTIRE

SOUND BITE.

>> I BELIEVE THE SECOND

AMENDMENT IS A VITAL

CONSTITUTIONAL AMENDMENT.

A LOT OF PEOPLE DON'T THINK

THEY HAVE TO ENFORCE THE

CONSTITUTION AS IT IS

WRITTEN.

>> PLEASE, JON, HE WAS ONLY

TALKING ABOUT THE SECOND

AMENDMENT, GUNS, JON.

OF COURSE WE CAN'T CHANGE

THAT CLAUSE.

LOOK THE FOUNDERS MADE IT

SHARPIES PROOF, I CAN'T DO

ANYTHING TO IT.

THEIR ORIGINAL INTENT IS

CLEAR.

THAT'S DZ.

>> Jon: THAT'S THE THINK

THEY TALK ABOUT THE

SACROSANCT PART OF THE

CONSTITUTION WHEN THEY LIKE

IT, AND SUDDENLY THEY SAY

THAT IS NOT WHAT THE

FOUNDERS MEANT.

THEY DON'T WANT TO DO THAT.

THEY WANT TO PICK AND CHOOSE

THE PARTS OF THE TUTION THEY

WANT.

THAT IS THE PROBLEM WITH

THIS ORIGINAL INTENT

BUSINESS.

WE HAVE THE FOUNDERS WORDS

BUT NO ONE REALLY KNOWS WHAT

THEY WERE THINKING AND THEY

ARE NOT-- TO BEGIN WITH.

>> NO ONE, JON, OR NO ONE

MINUS ONE.

I SHOULD TELL YOU I AM A

NOTED FOUNDING FATHER

PSYCHOLOGIST AS YOU WOULD

KNOW IF YOU ARE READ MY BOOK,

MEN ARE FROM MARS, JAMES

MADISON WAS A GOD-LIKE

GENIUS WHO COULD DO NO WRONG

AND I'M THE ONLY ONE WHO

KNOWS WHAT HE IS THINKING.

>> Jon: HOW COULD YOU KNOW

WHAT JAMES MADISON WAS

ACTUALLY THINKING.

>> DIDN'T YOU EVEN LOOK AT

THE COVER OF MY BOOK, JON.

>> Jon: I THOUGHT I DID.

>> I GOT IT STRAIGHT FROM

JAMES MADISON'S SKULL.

JON, IN THE UNLIKELY EVENT

THAT A POWDERED WIG-WEARING

SKULL DOESN'T PROVIDE THE

GUIDANCE WE NEED, WHAT THEN?

>> THAT'S A RIDICULOUS

PREMISE, JON, BUT I WILL

PLAY ALONG.

AFTER ALL EVEN JAMES MADISON

RECOGNIZED A HIGHER

AUTHORITY AT WORK.

>> GO BACK TO WHAT OUR

FOUNDERS AND OUR FOUNDING

DOCUMENTS MEANT, THEY'RE

QUITE CLEAR, THAT WE WOULD

CREATE LAW BASED ON THE GOD,

THE BIBLE, THE 10

COMMANDMENTS.

>> Jon: THAT'S WHAT I AM

TALKING ABOUT, THE

CONSTITUTION AND THE BIBLE

IT MAKES IT SOUND LIKE THE

CONSTITUTION IS AN AMENDMENT

TO THE BIBLE.

>> A LOT OF PEOPLE THINK

THAT IS TRUE BUT THAT IS AN

EASILY FIXED MISCONCEPTION.

IF YOU SDROL SKROL DOWN TO

NEW AMENDMENT 6,666 I THINK

WILL YOU SEE THAT THE BIBLE

IS NOW ACTUALLY A

PRO-STITUTIONAL AMENDMENT SO

IT'S ALL IN THERE.

>> Jon: AND WHAT ABOUT

SEPARATION OF CHURCH AND

STATE WHICH IS IN THE

CONSTITUTION.

>> WHAT'S THAT,

MR. PRESIDENT.

>> Jon: IN THE ORIGINAL.

>> EXCUSE ME, OH, JAMES

MADISON SAID THE SEPARATION

OF CHURCH AND STATE WAS JUST

THEIR LITTLE JOKE.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Jon: THANK YOU

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