It's a Vlad, Vlad, Vlad, Vlad World

  • Aired:  03/03/14
  •  | Views: 126,177

Ukrainian president Viktor Yanukovych takes advantage of a popular post-Olympic Russian travel bargain, and Russia throws an armed surprise party for Crimea. (6:57)

>> Jon: WELCOME TO "THE DAILYSHOW."

MY NAME IS JON STEWART.

WE HAVE A GOOD SHOW FOR YOUTONIGHT.

SETH MACFARLANE -- SETHMACFARLANE WILL BE JOINING US.

I'LL BE INDUCTING SETHMACFARLANE INTO MY SUPPORT GROUP

FOR FORMER OSCAR HOSTS.

BUT FIRST --[LAUGHTER]

YOU KNOW JUNE THERE -- I THINKIT'S JUNE, SUPPOSED TO BE A

MEETING OF THE SO CALLED G-8 AGET TOGETHER OF THE WORLD'S MOST

PROLIFIC LET'S CALL THEMDEMOCRACIES.

TURNS OUT WE MIGHT NOT NEED THATEXTRA CHAIR.

>> RUSSIA HAS ISSUED ANULTIMATUM TO THE UKRAINIAN

MILITARY IN CRIMEA TO LEAVETHEIR POST TO GET OUT, TO

TURN OVER THEIR BASES BY5:00 A.M. TOMORROW OR ELSE THOSE

BASES WILL BE STORMED BY RUSSIANFORCES.

>> Jon: RUSSIAN FORCESSTORMING UKRAINIAN BASES. THAT

IS BLATANT NAKED AGGRESSION ORAT THE VERY LEAST

DISTURBINGLY SHIRTLESSAGGRESSION, YEAH.

[LAUGHTER]BUT WITH THIS AGGRESSION IT

LOOKS LIKE PUTIN HAS GONE HEILTIT-LER.

[ LAUGHTER ]WHICH MAKES YOU WONDER IF

VLADMIR PUTIN WAS EVEN PAYINGATTENTION AT THE OLYMPICS,

REMEMBER, VLAD, THE BROTHERHOODOF INTERNATIONAL COMMUNITYSPIRIT OF COOPERATION OR DID

YOU CONSIDER THE PARADE OFNATIONS A BROWSING OPPORTUNITY?

OOH I LIKE THAT UNIFORM I'D LIKETO INVADE THEM.

NEED IT, NEED IT, WANT IT.

PUTY IS THIS BECAUSE YOU GOTMORE GOLDS THAN ANYBODY ELSE?

YOU REALIZE OLYMPIC WINS ARE NOTINTERNATIONALLY BINDING, RIGHT?

UNLESS NORWAY WAS JUST THREEGOLD MEDALS AWAY FROM EMBARKING

ON A PICKLED HERRING FUELEDQUEST FOR WORLD DOMINATION.

DID YOU LEARN NOTHING?

DID YOU LEARN NOTHING FROM THEINNOCENT TEARS OF YOUR OWN

CRYING BEAR?

[LAUGHTER]WAIT A MINUTE, ZOOM IN ON THAT

BEAR'S TEAR -- IT'S A RUSSIANPLATOON!

NO!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]PUTIN!

THE OLD -- IT'S THE OLD BIZARREANIMATRONIC TROJAN BEAR GAG.

TO CATCH YOU UP, THE CONFLICTBEGAN WHEN UKRAINE'S RUSSIAN

LEANING PRESIDENT YANUKOVYCHREJECTED A TRADE TREATY WITH THE

EUROPEAN UNION SPARKING MASSPROTESTS, VIOLENCE AND

ULTIMATELY YANUKOVYCH TAKINGADVANTAGE OF A POPULAR

POST-OLYMPICS RUSSIAN TRAVELBARGAIN

A NEW UKRAINIAN PRESIDENT CAMEIN AND RUSSIA HAS INVADED

CRIMEA.

RUSSIA OF COURSE WOULD CONTESTTWO OF THOSE POINTS I MADE

IN A RUSSIAN CITY ACROSS THEBORDER FROM UKRAINE

VIKTOR YANUKOVYCH INSISTEDHE DID NOT FLEE.

>> Jon: RIGHT.

YOU DIDN'T FLEE YOU JUSTREMEMBERED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE

NIGHT THAT YOU FORGOT TO TURNTHE OVEN OFF IN RUSSIA.

[ LAUGHTER ]AND THE SECOND POINT OF

CONTENTION INVOLVES THIS WHOLERUSSIAN MILITARY IN CRIMEA

THING.

>> HERE'S A QUOTE "SUCH REPORTSARE UTTER RUBBISH."

WE'VE GOTTEN USED TO CLAIMS THATWE'RE CONDUCTING MILITARY

OPERATIONS AGAINST OUR UKRAINIANCOLLEAGUES.

>> Jon: CAN'T A NEIGHBORTHROW AN ARMED SURPRISE PARTY

FOR A SMALL PART OF UKRAINE THATHISTORICALLY BELONGED TO US

WITHOUT EVERYBODY THINKING AH?

SO RUSSIAN TROOPS ARE NOT ONTHE GROUND IN CRIMEA?

>> THE RUSSIAN GOVERNMENT HASSTILL NOT OFFICIALLY RECOGNIZED

THE FACT THAT THESE ARERUSSIAN SOLDIERS.

>> UNMARKED NOINSIGNIA ON THE GROUND INCRIMEA.

>> THEY WOULDN'T TELL US WHOTHEY ARE, WHO THEYARE WORKING

FOR, WHAT THEY WANT. THEYWON'T SPEAK TO US AT ALL.

THEY DOSPEAK RUSSIAN BUT THEY WON'T SAY

ANYTHING ABOUT ANYTHING.

>> Jon: THEY SPEAK RUSSIA ANDLOOK RUSSIAN AND -- THEY ARE

EATING RUSSIAN DRESSING ON THEIRSALADS AND WHEN ASKED RUSSIAN

SAYS WHAT REPORTS CONFIRM THATTHEY SAY WHAT.

[ LAUGHTER ]IN RUSSIAN.

COULD BE ANYBODY.

TO MAKE A LONG STORY ITLOOKS LIKE RUSSIA IS INVADING

CRIMEA OR PLANNING AN HISTORICALREENACTMENT OF A PREVIOUS

RUSSIAN INVASION OF CRIMEA.

IT IS A COMPLEX AND FLUIDSITUATION INVOLVING

A LAND GRAB BY ONE OFOUR PREMIERE GEOPOLITICAL

COMPETITORS OR TO PUT IT ANOTHERWAY.

>> WE HAVE A WEAK ANDINDECISIVE PRESIDENT.

>> PUTIN ACTS,OBAMA WARNS.

>> PRESIDENT OBAMA NEEDS TO DOSOMETHING.

>> PUTIN IS PLAYING CHESS AND ITHINK WE'RE PLAYING MARBLES.

>> THIS IS THE ULTIMATE RESULTOF EFFECTLESS FOREIGN POLICY

WHERE NOBODY BELIEVES INAMERICA'S STRENGTH ANYMORE.

>> Jon: [TALKING GIBBERISH]LET'S GO TO WAR!

WAR!

BAH!

IT'S BEEN 48 HOURS DO SOMETHING.

[LAUGHTER]THE POINT IS RUSSIA (bleep).

AND AMERICA SHOULD INTERVENENOW!

OF COURSE BOTH SIDES HAVE ACOUPLE OF COMPLICATING

PRECEDENTS TO DEAL WITH.

WATCH SECRETARY OF STATEJOHN KERRY EXPLAIN WHY RUSSIA ISWRONG.

>> YOU JUST DON'T INVADE ANOTHERCOUNTRY ON PHONY PRETEXT IN

ORDER TO ASSERT YOUR INTERESTS.

>> Jon: ANYMORE.

[ LAUGHTER ]ANYMORE.

[ LAUGHTER ]IT'S A TERRIBLE IDEA.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]TRUST ME THAT IS SO 2003.

I MEAN I VOTED FOR IT EVENTHOUGH I WAS AGAINST IT AT THE

TIME.

WHAT HAPPENED, I RAN FORPRESIDENT AND ENDED UP BEING

PHOTOGRAPHED DRESSED LIKE ASPERM.

I WAS WINDSURFING BACK AND FORTHWITH -- I SHOULD GO.

PUTIN IS NOT CLEAN ON THIS ONEEITHER.

HERE IS PUTIN ON THE POSSIBILITYTHAT THE UNITED STATES MIGHT

INTERVENE IN SYRIA SIX MONTHSAGO.

THIS MORNING PUTIN ISCRITICIZING US FOREIGN POLICY INAN OP-ED IN

"THE NEW YORK TIMES".

>> IT'S ALARMING THAT MILITARYINTERVENTION IN INTERNAL

CONFLICTS IN FOREIGN COUNTRIESHAS BECOME COMMONPLACE FOR THE

UNITED STATES.

>> Jon: WELL, I THINK VLADMIRPUTIN IS GOING TO FEEL PRETTY

STUPID WHEN HE WATCHES THIS SHOWTONIGHT.

[ LAUGHTER ]AND HE SEES THAT HE HAS BEEN

CAUGHT IN THE CLASSIC "THE DAILYSHOW" GOTCHA MOMENT.

YEAH, PROBABLY PRETTY HARD TOKEEP INVADING A COUNTRY WHEN

YOU'VE BEEN UNMASKED AS AHYPOCRITE.

UKRAINE, YOU ARE WELCOME.

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