There Will Be Blame

  • Aired:  05/13/10
  •  | Views: 211,184

The big banks make money by taking government bailout money and lending it back with interest. (8:01)

>> Jon: WE BEGIN TONIGHT

WITH A VIRAL VIDEO THAT HAS

BEEN MAKING THE ROUNDS.

YESTERDAY IT FINALLY DROPPED

AND IT IS AS ADVERTISED, IT

IS FILTHY.

>> WE'RE FINALING

GHEITING-- GET AND UP CLOSE

LOOK AT THE OIL GUSHING INTO

THE GULF OF MEXICO.

>> Jon: OH, YEAH, I LIKE MY

VIDEO OF RUPTURED OIL LINES

LIKE I LIKE MY COFFEE, BLACK

AND FULL OF DEAD SEA

ANIMALS.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Jon: YOU KNOW THEY TOLL

US OIL WAS LEAKING INTO THE

GULF.

THEY DIDN'T SAY IT WAS

BLASTING INTO THE GULF IN AN

OIL GEYSER.

WE'RE POWER WASHING THE GULF

OF MECK COWITH OIL.

I THOUGHT WE HAD PUT THAT

THING OUT WITH A GIANT

CONCRETE DOME AND SEALED IT

ALL UP.

>> A GIANT DOME EXPERIMENT

ENDED IN A GIANT FAILURE.

>> Jon: WHAT?

(LAUGHTER)

>> Jon: PUTTING A DOME OVER

SOMETHING YOU WANT TO FORGET

DIDN'T WORK?

(LAUGHTER)

>> Jon: IT WORKED SO WELL

FOR DETROIT AND THE LIONS.

(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Jon: KIDDING, JIDING,

IT'S YOUR YEAR.

BUT DON'T WORRY, THEY GOT A

NEW PLAN.

AND THIS TIME IT'S

FOOLPROOF.

NOT LIKE THAT STUPID GIANT

DOME IDEA.

>> THE SOLUTION FOR THIS IS

TO TRY A SMALLER DOME.

>> Jon: OH MY GOD!

(LAUGHTER)

>> Jon: THE MAYANS WERE

RIGHT.

WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!

MAYBE THIS SMALLER DOME IS A

MINIATURE, MORE HIGH-TECH

INTRICATE PIECE OF

TECHNOLOGY.

WHAT DO THEY CALL IT.

>> A SMALLER CONTAINMENT BOX

CALLED A TOP HAT.

>> Jon: OH MY GOD,

NOSTRADAMUS WAS RIGHT, WE'RE

ALL GOING TO DIE.

YES, A TOP HAT WHAT A GREAT

IDEA.

I MEAN IT'S THE ONLY THING

THAT KEEPS MR. PEANUT FROM

SPEWING DEADLY PEANUT JUICE

INTO THE ATMOSPHERE.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Jon: PRAY TELL, WHAT IF

THE TOP HAT DOESN'T WORK?

>> IF THAT DOESN'T WORK,

LATER IN THE WEEK THEY WILL

TRY THE HOT TAP.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Jon: THE TOP HAT DOESN'T

WORK WE'LL GOING TO TRY THE

HOT TAP.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Jon: WAIT A MINUTE,

YOU'RE NOT COMING UP WITH

NEW IDEAS, YOU'RE JUST

SCRAMBLING LETTERS AROUND!

OUR SOLUTION TO THIS IS TO

COME UP WITH ANAGRAMS, OH,

NO, WAIT, WE GOT OUR BEST

GUY ON IT, HIS NAME IS PAT

THO.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Jon: YES, YES, HE'S

DEVELOPED A PATH TO THE

CLEANUP USING-- OH THPTA-O.

(LAUGHTER)

LET'S STOP SCREWING AROUND.

>> AND IF THAT DOESN'T WORK,

NEXT WEEK THEY WILL TRY THE

JUNK SHOT.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Jon: YOU KNOW, I WAS ONCE

GETTING OUT OF A LIMO AND

PAPARAZZI MANAGED TO GET A

JUNK SHOT OF MY--

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Jon: FUNNY NOW BUT

EVERY-- THAT WAS HOW I LOST

MY NICKELODEON SHOW

ISTEWBEEF.

ALL RIGHT, JUNK SHOT SOUNDS

A LITTLE SILLY BUT I'M SURE

IT IS SOMETHING HIGHLY

TECHNICAL AND ADVANCED.

>> THE JUNK SHOT, LITERALLY

FIRING DEBRIS, GOLF BALLS

AND TIRE SHARDS INTO THE

LEAKING PIPE HOPING TO CLOG

IT.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Jon: [BLEEP] WITH US,

RIGHT S THAT-- WHY DO I HAVE

A FEELING THAT THE BEST

MINDS IN THE SCIENCE WORLD

WERE WORKING ON GETTING THE

OIL.

BUT THE STOPPING THE OIL

DEPARTMENT, MAYBE A LITTLE

SMALLER, LITTLE LESS WELL

FINANCED.

WHAT IF THE SPACE PROGRAM

RAN THAT WAY.

HEY, YOU SAID YOU WANTED TO

PUT A MAN ON THE MOON.

YOU DIDN'T SAY YOU WANTED

HIM BACK.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Jon: ALL RIGHT, WAIT, I

GOT AN IDEA.

WHAT IF WE SHOOT GOLF BALLS

AND PIECES OF TIRE AT THE

MOON.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Jon: MAKE LIKE A GARBAGE

LADDER.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Jon: SO IT DOESN'T LOOK

LIKE WE'RE GOING TO FIX THE

PROBLEM.

CAN WE AT LEAST FIGURE OUT

WHO [BLEEP]ED IT UP IN THE

FIRST PLACE.

BP AMERICAN CHAIRMAN LAMAR

McKAY.

ISN'T IT TRUE THE SPILL IN

QUESTION CAME FROM YOUR OIL

WELL, OWNED BY YOU.

>> BP AS THE LEASEHOLDER AND

THE OPERATOR OF THE WELL

HIRED TRANSOCEAN TO DRILL

THAT WELL.

TRANSOCEAN AS OWNER AND

OPERATORS OF THE DEEP WATER

HORIZON DRILLING RIG HAD

RESPONSIBLE FOR THE SAFETY

OF DRILLING OPERATIONS.

>> Jon: AHA!, TRANSOCEAN.

I KNEW!

(LAUGHTER)

>> Jon: STEVE NEWMAN

PRESIDENT & CEO OF THE

TRANSOCEAN, ISN'T IT TRUE

THIS IS YOUR FAULT?

>> ON THE EVENING OF APRIL

20th, THERE WAS A SUDDEN

CATASTROPHIC FAILURE OF THE

CEMENT, THE CASING OR BOTH.

WITHOUT A FAILURE OF ONE OF

THOSE ELEMENTS, THE

EXPLOSION COULD NOT HAVE

OCCURRED.

>> Jon: NEWMAN!

(LAUGHTER)

>> Jon: IT WASN'T TRANSOCEAN,

IT WAS THE CEMENT CASING.

AND WHO PROVIDED THE CEMENT

CASING?

NO!

(LAUGHTER)

>> Jon: I THINK MICHAEL

MOORE JUST HAD AN ORGASM.

BY THE WAY, BY THE WAY--

(APPLAUSE)

>> Jon: I THINK IF I'M NOT

MISTAKEN, I BELIEVE WE HAVE

FOOTAGE OF THAT.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Jon: ALL RIGHT,

HALLIBURTON, WE FINALLY GOT

YOU.

ALTHOUGH IT'S A LITTLE LIKE

GETTING CAPONE ON TAX

EVASION BUT WE'LL TAKE IT.

THE CHIEF HEALTH SAFETY AND

ENVIRONMENTAL OFFICER OF

HALLIBURTON, REALLY, THEY

HAVE ONE OF THOSE--

(LAUGHTER)

>> Jon: DIDN'T YOU CEMENT

THE CASING SHOE.

>> THE CASING SHOE WAS

CEMENTED SOME 20 HOURS PRIOR

TO THE TRAGIC INCIDENT.

AND HAD THE BOP FUNCTIONED

AS EXPECTED, THIS

CATASTROPHE MAY WELL NOT

HAVE OCCURRED.

>> Jon: DO ANY OF THESE OIL

[BLEEP] HAVE HAIR, ANY OF

THEM?

OH T WASN'T THE CEMENT

CASING, THE BOP

MALFUNCTIONED.

THE BLOWOUT PREVENTER, OF

COURSE.

>> IT HAS BEEN A FEW YEARS

SINCE I HAVE BEEN OUT ON A

RIG BUT QUESTION ONLY ASSUME

THAT SOMEHOW THE HYDRAULIC

RAMS FAILED TO CLOSE AROUND

THE DRILL STRING OR POSSIBLY

AT CUMMULATERS DAMAGED BY

EXTREME INTERNAL FRICTION

CAUSED MICROFRACTIONS

LEADING TO SYSTEM

MALFUNCTION, THAT WOULD BE A

HARD PROBLEM TO CATCH AHEAD

OF TIME.

>> THE ONE CONTROL PANEL WE

DID FIND, THE BATTERY WASN'T

WORKING, CORRECT?

>> THAT'S WHAT WE WERE LEAD

TO BELIEVE, YES.

>> Jon: YOU GOT TO BE

[BLEEP] KIDDING ME.

SO WHAT COULD BE THE

ENVIRONMENTAL CATASTROPHE OF

THE DECADE OCCURRED BECAUSE

A DEAD BATTERY THAT YOU KNEW

OF IN THE CONTROL PANEL.

I GUESS WHEN ARE YOU LIVING

OUT ON AN OIL RIG IT IS KIND

OF A TOUGH CHOICE.

HEY, THE TV REMOTE'S DEAD.

(LAUGHTER)

I GUESS WE JUST SWITCH OUT

THE BATTERY OF THE ONE ON

THE CONTROL PANEL.

WHAT, WHAT, WHAT COULD

HAPPEN.

>> Jon: SO THE GOVERNMENT IS

TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHAT

HAPPENED.

THEY ARE IN FRONT OF A

SENATE COMMITTEE BUT ISN'T

THERE A GOVERNMENT ARM

THAT'S RESPONSIBLE FOR

POLICING THESE COMPANIES AND

DOES STRENUOUS SAFETY AND

ENVIRONMENTAL IMPACT STUDIES

ON ANYONE APPLYING TO DRILL

IN THE GULF?

I BELIEVE IT'S CALLED THE

MINERALS MANAGEMENT SERVICE.

>> IN AN INITIAL EXPLORATION

PLAN B P CALLED THE SPILL,

QUOTE, UNLIKELY.

SO WHEN BP SOUGHT PERMISSION

TO DRILL THE DEEP WATER

HORIZON SITE, MPS AGREED AND

WENT ALONG WITH IT.

AND GAVE THE COMPANY A,

QUOTE, CATEGORICAL EXCLUSION

FROM A MORE STRENUOUS

ENVIRONMENTAL IMPACT STUDY.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Jon: CHUCK, BEFORE I BLOW

A GASKET, LOWER THE TOP HAT.

(LAUGHTER)

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