Release the Kagan

  • Aired:  05/11/10
  •  | Views: 265,736

President Obama's Supreme Court nominee, Elena Kagan, is exactly like Harriet Miers except for the dumb part. (7:47)

["DAILY SHOW" THEME SONG PLAYING]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> Jon: WELCOME TO "THE DAILY SHOW".

MY NAME IS JON STEWART.

WE'VE GOT A SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.

SEBASTIAN YOUNGER IS HERE -- JUNGER IS HERE.

AUTHOR OF THE NEW BOOK "WAR." HE DESCRIBESES ONE INCREDIBLY

HAND SOME MAN'S JOURNEY WITH THE TROOPS IN AFGHANISTAN.

HE IS THE HANDSOME MAN.

PRESIDENT OBAMA HAS ANNOUNCED HIS NOMINEE TO REPLACE JUSTIN JOHN PAUL STEVENS ON THE SUPREME

COURT AND SO IF YOU PLEASE.

♪♪

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> Jon: PRESIDENT OBAMA.

RELEASES THE KAG -- -- HE HAS OFFICIALLY NAMED LIST IS SOLICITOR -- SOLICITOR GENERAL

ELENA KAGAN IF YOU ARE A COURT WORKER LIKE ME, I WALK THE SUPREME COURT, JOHNNY ROCKETS

AND PANDA EXPRESS.

WHAT IS KAGAN'S POSITION ON STARE DECISIS AND WHO?

>> SHE'S A TOTAL BLANK.

>> SHE'S AN UNPROVEN ENTITY.

>> WE DON'T KNOW MUCH ABOUT HER RECORD.

>> WITH A SLIM PAPER TRAIL.

>> Jon: A RECORDLESS BLANK ENTITY WITH NO PAPER TRAIL.

[LAUGHTER]

SHE'S OFF THE GRID.

SHE LIVES IN THE SHADOWS.

SHE IS DARKMAN.

[LAUGHTER]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

SERIOUSLY DO WE HAVE ANY INFORMATION ABOUT THIS ONE.

>> A *EUG JANUARY VERY SHORT.

>> SHE USED TO SMOKE LIKE A CHIMNEY.

>> SHE HAS A GOOD SENSE OF HUMOR.

>> DOES SHE DRINK BEER?

>> YEAH, SHE DRINKS BEER.

SHE PLAYS POKER.

>> SHE'S LONG BEEN A FIVE FOOT THREE POWERHOUSE.

>> Jon: SHE'S A SHORT CHIMNEY SMOKING BEER GUZZLING POKER PLAYER.

SORRY.

SHE'S NOT DARKMAN SHE'S DANNY DE VITO.

[LAUGHTER]

THAT DOESN'T -- DO WE HAVE ANY NONSIZE RELATED INFORMATION?

>> SHE CLERKED FOR SUPREME COURT JUSTICE THURGOOD MARSHALL.

>> Jon: OKAY.

OKAY.

CLERKED FOR THURGOOD MARSHALL.

WHAT INFORMATION CAN WE GLEAN FROM THEIR RELATIONSHIP.

>> THURGOOD MARSHALL WHO CALLED HER SHORTY.

>> Jon: FOR GOD SAKES.

SHE'S FIVE THREE.

THAT'S NOT UNREASONABLE.

IT'S NOT LIKE YOU WOULD SEE HER AND SAY OH, MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO HER?

IT'S NOT LIKE SOMEBODY WOULD CALL 911.

STPHRO *ET -- ♪♪

[LAUGHTER]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> Jon: I'VE DONE A TERRIBLE THING TO MY NECK.

THIS IS BORING, HER HEIGHT AND HER SMOKE.

BECAUSE SHE HAS NEVER BEEN A JUDGE WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TO SCRAPE FOR CONFIRMATION

CONTROVERSY, A WISE LATINA BOMB,

A GOOD OLD FASHIONED PUBIC HAIR IN A COKE CAN.

SOMETHING WE CAN SINK OUR TEETH INTO.

>> THE HARRIET MIERS OF THE LEFT THANK --

>> THIS IS A NOMINATION CLOSER TO HARRIET MIERS.

>> Jon: OH, NO YOU -- YOU DROPPED THE H BOMB.

COMPARING HER TO HARRIET MIERS.

[LAUGHTER]

EXCUSE ME FOR JUST ONE SECOND.

MIERS.

HARRIET MIERS.

OSCAR MEYER, JACOBY AND MEYERS,

MAYA ANGELOU.

HERE WE GO.

HARRIET MIERS FORMER BUSH CRONY SUPREME COURT NOMINATE AND QUICKLY WITHDRAWN.

NAME NOW SYNONYMOUS WITH LACK OF INTELLECTUAL HEFT AND RECKLESS NOMINATING.

OUCH!

HOW SIMILAR ARE THEY?

>> THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN HER AND HARRIET MIERS IS IVY LEAGUE.

THAT'S IT.

[LAUGHTER]

>> Jon: SO SHE'S EXACTLY LIKE HARRIET MIERS EXCEPT FOR THE DUMB PART.

[LAUGHTER]

JUST LIKE THE ONLY DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ME AND MICHAEL JORDAN IS ATHLETIC ABILITY.

[LAUGHTER]

YES, WE'RE EXACTLY THE SAME OTHER THAN THAT, INCLUDING THE FACT THAT WE BOTH SELL OUR

UNDERWEAR TO CHARLIE SHEEN.

[LAUGHTER]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

IT'S LIKE WIKIPEDIA IN A BOOK.

[LAUGHTER]

KAGAN -- KAGAN IS OBAMA'S HARRIET MIERS, HIS BUSH-LIKE MIS STEP.

KIND OF SUCKS BECAUSE HE'S STILL RECOVERING FROM HIS LAST BUSH-LIKE MISSTEP.

>> IT'S CALLED OBAMA'S KATRINA.

>> IS THIS OBAMA'S KATRINA.

>> PRESIDENT OBAMA'S KATRINA.

>> Jon: IT'S CRAZY.

NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS DURING THE OBAMA ADMINISTRATION THERE'S THE PERFECT BUSH (bleep) FOR

THE OCCASION.

[LAUGHTER]

>> THE HEALTH CARE THE OBAMA'S IRAQ.

>> IS THIS AS SOME ARE SUGGEST.

BARACK'S ENRON.

>> UNEMPLOYMENT RATES ARE OBAMA'S 9/11.

>> ARE WE WATCHING OWE BALM WHY'S MISSION ACCOMPLISHED SPEECH.

>> THERE'S THE BROWNIE MOMENT.

THIS IS OBAMA'S MY PET GOAT MOMENT.

[LAUGHTER]

IT'S LIKE BUSH IS HAS A SET OF GREETING CARDS.

YOU DISPLAYED A COMPLETE LACK OF SELF AWARENESS DURING A TIME THAT WOULD BE A TEST OF YOUR LEADERSHIP.

WELL, THERE'S A BUSH (bleep) UP FOR THAT.

[LAUGHTER]

THE CRAZY PART IS IT'S CONSERVATIVES AND REPUBLICANS THAT ARE IN THE BIGGEST RUSH TO MAKE

THE COMPARISONS.

REMEMBER THAT TERRIBLE THING THAT BUSH DID THAT WE FOUGHT FOR EIGHT YEARS TO CONVINCE YOU

WASN'T BAD BUT ACTUALLY GOOD?

WELL, NOW WE USE THOSE VERY INCIDENTS AS THE LOW WATER MARK FOR YOUR GUY.

[LAUGHTER]

AND THEY ARE NOT JUST INTERESTED -- THEY ARE NOT JUST INTERESTED IN COMPARING OWE BALM WHY'S

NEW PROBLEMS WITH -- OBAMA'S NEW PROBLEMS WITH BUSH'S OLD PROBLEMS THEY ARE TRYING TO

BEQUEATH ALL THAT BUSH OVER SAW LIKE SOME KIND OF CANCEROUS HEIRLOOM.

>> THIS IS OBAMA'S ECONOMY.

THIS IS HIS DEFICIT.

THIS IS RAPIDLY BECOMING THE OBAMA RECESSION.

>> AFGHANISTAN IS PRESIDENT OBAMA'S WAR NOW.

>> Jon: THEY TREAT THE COUNTRY LIKE A SLEAZY USED CAR SALESMAN.

>> THIS SAY BEAUTIFUL COUNTRY.

RUNS LIKE A DREAM.

WE'VE KEPT IT TOTALLY TUNED.

YOU ARE NOT GOING TO HAVE A PROBLEM WIT.

YOU'LL TAKE IT?

IT'S YOUR PIECE OF (bleep) NOW.

AND THE --

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THE -- THE BEST PART IS THEY CAN'T RECOGNIZE THEIR TACIT ADMISSION OF PREVIOUS

ADMINISTRATION'S FAILURE.

>> WE'LL START SEEING A LOT MORE OF THOSE I MISS BUSH BILLBOARDS AROUND COUNTRY.

>> PEOPLE WILL PRINTOUT BUMPER STICKERS SAYING WE MISS GEORGE BUSH.

>> I MISS THE DAYS WHERE ||||||||

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