Space Innovators

  • Aired:  04/25/12
  •  | Views: 329,292

Wealthy "spend-o-nauts" announce plans to mine asteroids for precious minerals, and astrophysicist Neil deGrasse Tyson reveals whether or not it's bulls**t. (7:31)

(LAUGHTER).

.. I'M DITCHING IT BECAUSE I WATCHED THE NEWS TODAY AND I SAW SOMETHING SO AWESOME!

I'M CALLING AN AUDIBLE.

I'M CALLING AN AUDIBLE.

I'M GOING TO BREAK OPEN MY EMERGENCY SCRIPT JUG I HAVE THAT FOR EMERGENCIES.

(LAUGHTER) (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) I'M GOING TO HIRE SOMEBODY AT THIS SHOW WHOSE SOLE JOB IT IS

THAT WHEN I COME UP WITH AN IDEA THAT INVOLVES BREAKING SOMETHING SHARP THEIR ENTIRE JOB IS TO

JUST GO "I DON'T THINK YOU SHOULD DO THAT." (LAUGHTER)

"YOU ALWAYS END UP HURTING YOURSELF BECAUSE YOU'RE...

YOU'RE KIND OF CLUMSY." (LAUGHTER) (LAUGHS) ROLE 212.

>> THIS MAY SEEM LIKE SCIENCE FICTION BUT TODAY A GROUP OF SPACE PIONEERS ANNOUNCED PLANS

TO MINE ASTEROIDS FOR PRECIOUS MINERALS.

>> Jon: SPICE PIONEERS GOING TO MINE MOTHER (BLEEP)ING ASTEROIDS!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) FOR PRECIOUS MATERIALS!

BOOM, BOOM!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) YES!

STEW BEAT IS ALL IN!

YOU KNOW HOW RARELY THE NEWS IN 2012 LOOKS AND SOUNDS HOW YOU THOUGHT NEWS WOULD LOOK AND

SOUND IN 2012!

THE ONLY THING MISSING FROM THIS STORY IN MY KID FANTASY IS NEWSMAN SKOEPT'S NON-FUTURISTIC

SENSE OF STYLE.

YEAH!

NANO-NANO SHAZBOT.

THIS ASTEROID RETRIEVAL PROJECT IS BEING HANDLED BY ECCENTRIC BILLIONAIRES.

>> THEY ARE SOME OF THE MOST INFLUENTIAL AND WEALTHIEST MEN ON THE PLANET.

GOOGLE'S LARRY PAGE AND ERIC SCHMIDT, DIRECTOR JAMES CAMERON,

AND BILLIONAIRE ROSS PRO, JR.

>> IF YOU PUT TWO GOOGLE BILLIONAIRES WITH THE MICROSOFT BILLIONAIRES AND SOME ASTRONAUTS

TOGETHER YOU CAN'T GO WRONG.

(LAUGHTER)

>> EXCEPT IN AN ORGY.

(LAUGHTER).

>> Jon: BUT EVEN THAT GUY,

EVEN THAT ENTHUSIASTIC SCIENTIST LOOKED LIKE HE'S FROM THE FUTURE.

IN THE FUTURE PEOPLE WILL ALL HAVE REALLY COOL HAIR!

THANK YOU, MAN OF TOMORROW.

SO WHY ARE THESE DASHING SPEND-O-NAUTS DOING IT?

FAME?

KNOWLEDGE?

LOVE OF TANG?

THE ORANGE DRINK.

(LAUGHTER) NOT THE TANG YOU PERVERTS ALL THOUGHT OF.

>> SINCE MY CHILDHOOD I'VE WANTED TO DO ONE THING, BE AN ASTEROID MINER.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Jon: DID NOT SEE THAT COMING.

(LAUGHTER) YOU KNOW WHO REALLY PROBABLY THINKS THAT THAT SOUNDBITE WAS WEIRD?

EARTH MINERS.

(LAUGHTER) EARTH MINERS ARE LIKE "REALLY?

YOU WANT TO BE A MINER?

BUT WITHOUT THE OXYGEN WE ENJOY IN THE EARTH MINE?

I HAVE AN IDEA, WHY DON'T YOU WORK IN OUR EARTH MINES AND JUST PRETEND YOU HERE IN SPACE?

HOW ABOUT THAT?

THAT'S WHAT EVERYBODY ELSE DOES DOWN HERE.

HANK OVER THERE, PRETENDS, YOU KNOW, HE'S ON A BEACH.

RICHIE THINKS HE'S QUEEN ELIZABETH.

NOW, YOU PRETEND YOU HERE IN SPACE, KEEP YOUR EYE ON THE CANARY AND GET BACK TO (BLEEP)ING WORK.

HOW ABOUT THAT?" (LAUGHTER) ALTHOUGH I WILL SAY THIS,

EVERYTHING IS MORE GLAMOROUS IN SPACE.

HERE'S EARTH MINING.

(LAUGHTER) AND NOW, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

ASTEROID MINING.

♪ I DON'T WANT TO CLOSE MY EYES I DON'T WANT TO FALL ASLEEP

♪ CAUSE I MISS YOU, BABY AND I DON'T WANT TO MISS ♪ A THING ♪

>> Jon: ACTUALLY, SPACE MINING SEEMS LESS PLEASANT.

LOOK, I'M TELLING YOU, WHAT COULD GO WRONG WITH BILLIONAIRES, FAMED DIRECTOR

JAMES CAMERON AND MINERS IN SPACE?

(SCREAMING) WELL, THERE IS THAT.

>> IF I COULD INTERRUPT HERE,

JON?

>> Jon: WHAT'S THAT?

OH, HEY, IT'S ONE OF MY WRITERS,

ELIOT, ELIOT, WHAT'S UP?

>> ONLY THE FIRST ALIEN MOVIE DIRECTED BY RIDLEY SCOTT HAD ALIENS KILLING WORKERS IN THE

SPICE MINING INDUSTRY.

SPECIFICALLY MINERAL OR TRANSPORT FOR THE WAYLAND CORPORATION.

>> Jon: YOU'RE FIRED, ELIOT.

>> OH!

OH!

>> Jon: I SEE, YOU'RE BRINGING OUT SPECIAL EFFECTS AND AN ALIEN

IS GOING TO BURST OUT FROM YOUR CHEST, BRAVO, ELIOT.

>> I WISH.

THE INTERNS GOT REGULAR MILK INSTEAD OF LACTAID AND NOW MY TUMMY HURTS.

>> Jon: YOU SHOULD PROBABLY LIE DOWN.

>> OKAY, THANK YOU FOR LETTING ME USE THE COUCH IN YOUR OFFICE.

>> Jon: NO!

BACK TO THE SPACE MINES.

HOW DOES THAT GUY CONTINUALLY INTERRUPT ME?

ON A VARIETY OF DIFFERENT EPISODES.

SO WHAT ARE WE GOING TO BE MINING UP THERE, DIAMONDS?

SPACE DIAMONDS?

UNOBTAINIUM.

>> WE'LL START WITH WATER BECAUSE IN ACTUAL FACT THE WATER

IS WORTH SOMETHING LIKE $20,000 TO $50,000 A POUND IN DEEP SPACE.

>> YES, WHO AMONGST US WOULDN'T PAY $50,000 FOR A POUND OF SPACE WATER?

(LAUGHTER) AT THE SPACE CONVENIENCE STORE.

"OH, YOU KNOW WHAT?

I'M LIGHT, JUST GIVE ME A HALF OF POUND OF SPACE WATER AND ONE

OF THE SPACE US WEEKLIES AND ARE THOSE SPACE CONDOMS?

I'LL TAKE ONE OF THOSE." (LAUGHTER) ARE YOU SURE THAT'S THE ONLY

REASON WE'RE GOING THERE?

SPACE WATER?

>> THESE ASTEROIDS, AS TOM WILL TELL YOU, HAVE LIFETIMES OF 30 MILLION YEARS.

WE NEED TO GRAB THEM, QUITE FRANKLY, BEFORE THEY DO SOME DAMAGE TO US.

(LAUGHTER)

>> WHERE HAVE I HEARD THAT PITCH BEFORE?

>> WE WILL FIGHT THEM OVERSEAS SO WE DO NOT HAVE TO FIGHT THEM HERE AT HOME.

(APPLAUSE)

>> Jon: OH, MY GOD,

BILLIONAIRES HAVE JUST DECLARED A PREEMPTIVE WAR ON ASTEROIDS.

(LAUGHTER) THIS IS AWESOME!

UNTIL WE GET THERE AND FIND OUT THERE WAS NEVER ANY WATER IN THE FIRST PLACE.

(LAUGHTER) LOOK, I LOVE THIS STORY...

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) I LOVE THIS STORY.

BUT LET'S FACE FACTS, IT SEEMS A LITTLE FARFETCHED.

THAT'S WHY IT'S A PERFECT CANDIDATE FOR OUR BRAND NEW

SEGMENT "BULL (BLEEP) OR NO BULL (BLEEP)" WITH ASTROPHYSICIST NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON.

LET'S PUT 60 SECONDS UP ON THE CLOCK.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> GOOD EVENING, JON.

>> DR. TYSON.

DR. TYSON, TONIGHT'S QUESTION,

ASTEROID MINING.

BULL (BLEEP) OR NO BULL (BLEEP)?

>> JON, IN THIS CASE, THE ANSWER IS NO BULL (BLEEP).

>> Jon: AMAZING.

>> JON, YOUR OPENING CREDITS STILL SHOW THE EARTH ROTATING IN THE WRONG DIRECTION.

I'M JUST SAYING.

(LAUGHTER) (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

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