Obama Quest - Looking for Love in All the Foreign Places - Vladimir Putin

  • Aired:  06/19/13
  •  | Views: 31,945

Vladimir Putin is not only a nuclear-armed tyrant -- he's also the world's laziest jewel thief. (4:58)

NAME.

(LAUGHTER)

NOW LUCKILY, LUCKILY THERE IS

ONE COUNTRY THAT AMERICA'S

ACTUALLY DEVELOPED GREAT

RELATIONSHIPS OVER THE YEARS,

RUSSIA.

YES, RUSSIA.

SINCE THE COLD WAR ENDED, RUSSIA

AND THE U.S. ALWAYS HAVE FUN

WHENEVER THEY GET TOGETHER.

REMEMBER GEORGE W. BUSH HANGING

OUT WITH VLADIMIR PUTIN ZOOMS

AROUND IN VINTAGE CARS?

OR BILL CLINTON AND BORIS

YELTSIN AFTER WHAT I CAN ONLY

IMAGINE WAS A HEAVY LIQUID LUNCH

TOGETHER.

(LAUGHTER)

>> (CLINTONING LAUGHING)

>> John: PRESIDENT CLINTON

LEARNED AN IMPORTANT LESSON THAT

DAY: NEVER GO TOE TO TOE ON

VODKA SHOTS WITH A MAN NAMED

BORIS.

(LAUGHTER)

SO MAYBE SOME FACE TIME WITH

PUTIN IS JUST WHAT OBAMA NEEDS

TO FEEL LOVED AGAIN.

RESPECTED.

CHERISHED.

APPRECIATED.

>> THIS PICTURE TAKEN JUST AFTER

THOSE TALKS BROKE UP SUGGESTED

OTHER ADJECTIVES: AWKWARD,

TENSE, COLD, INDIFFERENT.

>> John: INCOMMODIOUS, MALL

ADROIT, STUCK IN A LOVELESS

MARRIAGE.

HEMORRHOIDAL.

LIKE THEY JUST FOUND OUT WHO WAS

ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THAT GLORY

HOLE.

(AUDIENCE REACTS)

MR. PRESIDENT, PLEASE, LIGHTEN

THE MOOD.

SPRINKLE A LITTLE MAGIC CLINTON

GIGGLE DUST IN THERE.

>> WE COMPARED NOTES ON

PRESIDENT PUTIN'S EXPERTISE IN

JUDO AND MY DECLINING SKILLS IN

BASKETBALL.

WE BOTH AGREED THAT AS YOU GET

OLDER IT TAKES MORE TIME TO

RECOVER.

(LAUGHTER)

>> John: AMERICAN PRESIDENT

MAKES HUMOR TO BREAK TENSION BUT

I STATE UNDERLYING SUBTEXT TO

DEFLATE HIM.

WOW!

NOW, LOOK, A CERTAIN FROSTINESS

BETWEEN THEM MAKES SENSE.

I UNDERSTAND THESE TWO HAVE

DIFFERING OPINIONS ON WHAT TO DO

WITH THE SITUATION IN SYRIA, BUT

EVEN THAT DOESN'T EXPLAIN THE

CHILL IN THAT ROOM.

THERE IS SOMETHING WEIRD GOING

ON IN THERE.

WHAT COULD IT BE?

>> DID RUSSIAN PRESIDENT

VLADIMIR PUTIN STEAL A SUPERBOWL

BOWL RING FROM NEW ENGLAND

PATRIOTS OWNER ROBERT KRAFT?

(AUDIENCE REACTS).

>> John: NO, NO, NO, NO.

IT'S DEFINITELY NOT THAT BECAUSE

THAT'S THE STUPIDEST THING I

HAVE THAT EVER HEARD.

(LAUGHTER)

I MEAN, IT WOULD BE AMAZING IF

THAT HYPOTHETICALLY HAPPENED, IF

THE RUSSIAN PRESIDENT STOLE A

SUPER BOWL RING FROM THE NEW

ENGLAND PATRIOTS.

BUT HOW WOULD THAT EVEN HAPPEN?

>> AT A HIGH-PROFILE BUSINESS

CONFERENCE EIGHT YEARS AGO IN

RUSSIA, KRAFT DID HAND THE RING

OVER AND PUTIN NEVER HANDED IT

BACK.

>> John: OH, OH, LET'S BE

FAIR.

LET'S BE FAIR.

HOW CAN YOU BE ABSOLUTELY SURE

THAT IT WAS VLADIMIR PUTIN.

>> "I TOOK OUT THE RING AND

SHOWED IT TO PUTIN AND HE PUT IT

ON AND GOES I CAN KILL SOMEONE

WITH THIS RING."

(AUDIENCE REACTS).

>> John: YEAH, THAT WAS HIM.

OKAY, IT WAS DEFINITELY HIM.

THAT STORY EMPHATICALLY CHECKS

OUT.

(LAUGHTER)

SO LET'S RECAP THIS AMAZING

INCIDENT.

PUTIN SAYS HE LIKES THE RING,

SAYS HE CAN KILL SOMEONE WITH IT

THEN WHAT HAPPENS?

>> HE PUT IN THE HIS POCKET AND

THREE K.G.B. GUYS GOT AROUND HIM

AND WALKED OUT.

(LAUGHTER).

>> John: WHAT?

IT'S THE PERFECT CRIME!

SORRY, DID I SAY "PERFECT"?

I MEANT BALLSIEST.

PUTIN IS NOT ONLY A NUCLEAR

ARMED TYRANT HE'S ALSO THE

WORLD'S LAZIEST JEWEL THIEF.

THERE'S ONE OTHER THING ABOUT

THAT PHOTO.

IF YOU'VE SEEN VIDEO OF VLADIMIR

PUTIN YOU KNOW THAT HE'S NOT THE

MAN GIVEN TO EXTRAVAGANT

EMOTION.

I MEAN, LOOK AT HIM.

IN THIS CASE HE'S HANG GLIDING

AND HIS EXPRESSION SAYS "BEING

AN EAGLE BORES ME."

(LAUGHTER)

NOW LOOK AT HIM STEALING THE

RING.

LOOK AT HIS FACE!

LOOK AT HIS FACE!

(LAUGHTER)

THAT IS LITERALLY THE HAPPIEST

EVER I HAVE SEEN VLADIMIR PUTIN!

THAT RING MADE HIM SO HAPPY!

OH, MY GOD!

YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS?

FOR PRESIDENT OBAMA TO RECAPTURE

THE ENERGY AND ENTHUSIASM THAT

HE'S LOST AND HARNESS THE POWER

OF THE OFFICE NECESSARY TO FACE

DOWN AMERICA'S GREATEST

CHALLENGES OVER THE NEXT FEW

YEARS THERE IS ONE THING HE MUST

DO.

MR. PRESIDENT, YOU MUST SEEK THE

RINK!

(LAUGHTER)

YOU MUST FIND THE PRECIOUS.

(LAUGHTER)

ONE RING TO RULE THEM ALL!

ONE RING!

AND MR. PRESIDENT, LOOK AT ME!

WHATEVER YOU DO, DO NOT LET JOE

BIDEN PUT THAT RING ON HIS

FINGER!

(LAUGHTER)

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

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