No Men for Old Country

  • Aired:  02/27/13
  •  | Views: 62,457

Silvio Berlusconi and a comedian protest vote shake up the Italian election, and Pope Benedict XVI resigns from office. (5:34)

>> Jon: WELCOME BACK.

OVER THE YEARS, ITALY HAS HAD ITS SHARE OF PROBLEMS.

CENTURIES OF OCCUPATION BY FOREIGN POWERS, A VARIETY OF FAILED GOVERNMENTS SPANNING FROM

MERELY CORRUPT TO FASCIST AND WORST OF ALL ACTORS WHO DON'T KNOW HOW FLOORS WORK.

NO, THAT'S WHAT THE SPACES ARE FOR.

NOW ITALY IS FACED WITH THE SPICIEST PROBLEM.

>> THE COUNTRY IN POLITICAL CHAOS AFTER AN ELECTION WITHOUT A CLEAR WINNER.

>> IT'S AT RISK OF BECOMING UNGOVERNABLE.

>> PROBABLY A BIG AS MESS AS I COULD BE.

>> Jon: WHO HOLD AN ELECTION AND CAN'T FIGURE OUT WHO THE WINNER IS?

THAT WOULD BE US S 13 YEARS AGO BUT IN TODAY'S MODERN WORLD WITH THE iPHONE 4.

WHAT HAPPENED?

>> THEY WON BY THE SLIM MAJORITY BUT THEY DON'T HAVE ENOUGH SEATS IN THE ITALIAN SENATE TO FORM A GOVERNMENT.

>> WHAT THREW A WRENCH INTO ALL OF THIS WAS A BIG VOTE FOR A PROTEST PARTY LED BY A ITALIAN COMEDIAN.

TO MAKE THINGS COMPLICATED FORMER PRIME MINISTER BERLUSCONI IS NOT OUT OF PICTURE.

>> BERLUSCONI GOT 29%.

>> Jon: ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

I GET THE VOTING FOR THE CENTER LEFT.

I EVEN GET THE COMEDY PROTEST.

HOW THE (bleep) IS BERYL BERLUSCONI, CHAIRMAN BUNGA BUNGA, HOW IS HE NOT DISQUALIFIED FROM THIS

ENTIRE THING?

HIS CORRUPTION CONVICTION?

HE CALLED THE SITTING PRIME MINISTER OF GERMANY AN UN(bleep) LARD ASS.

YEAH THAT'S WHAT THIS UN(bleep) LARD ASS ACTUALLY SAID.

LUCKILY --

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

LUCKILY NO MATTER HOW MESSY ITALY'S POLITICS GET ITALIANS FIND STABILITY IN THEIR FAITH.

>> TENS OF THOUSANDS OF THE FAITHFUL FILLING ST. PETER'S SQUARE TO HEAR THE POPE WHO

LEAVES OFFICE TOMORROW.

THERE'S A PERIOD WHERE THERE'S NO POPE AND THAT STARTS PRECISELY AT 8:01 TOMORROW NIGHT.

>> Jon: IT'S CHAOS!

(bleep) CAP WITH CONDOMS.

IT BRINGS US TO OUR REOCCURRING --

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

OUR RECOVERING SEGMENT WE MAY HAVE TROUBLE SEPARATING CHURCH AND STATE BUT AT LEAST WE STILL

HAVE BOTH.

POPE BENEDICT MADE HIS LAST APPEARANCE THIS MORNING.

WHAT DOES THE FUTURE HOLD FOR HIM?

CAN'T SET HIM UP AS AN EXPOPE AND WAL-MART GREETER.

THAT'S NOT GOING TO -- IN NOMINE PATRIS ET FILI, GATORADE AT AISLE 8.

[ LAUGHTER ]

DOES THE GO TO THE ITALIAN VAT RAN RETIREMENT HOME.

>> AT THE END OF MONTH HE HAS TO MANY OF OUT OF APOSTOLIC PALACE.

TODAY THE VATICAN REVEALED HIS RETIREMENT HOME IS JUST BEHIND ST. PETER'S.

>> Jon: THAT'S COMFORTABLE.

YOU KNOW HE'S UNEXPECTEDLY STOPPING BY CHECKING ON THE NEW POPE.

OH, REALLY IS THAT WHERE YOU ARE HOLDING COMMUNION NOW SNL I USED DO IT OVER THERE BECAUSE THAT'S

WHAT GOD WANTED.

BUT ALL RIGHT.

IT'S OVER THERE.

ANY OTHER PERKS THAT THE POPE MIGHT BE LOSING?

>> THE RED PRADA SHOES THAT HE IS SO VERY FOND OF, WELL, THEY GO.

>> Jon: THAT HAS TO HURT.

NO GREATER INSULT TO A MAN IN ITALY THAN TAKE AWAY HIS DESIGNER SHOES.

BUT YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM BECAUSE HE COULD MAKE HIMSELF POPE AGAIN BY CLICKING HIS HEELS

TOGETHER THREE TIMES AND REPEATING "THERE'S NO PLACE LIKE ROME." WAIT FOR IT.

NOW THE COLLEGE OF CARDINALS HAS TO ELECT A NEW POPE.

WHAT ARE SOME OF THE ISSUES THEY CONSIDER?

>> VOTING CARDINALS ARE KNOWN TO HAVE COVERED UP FOR PEDOPHILE PRIESTS.

>> Jon: OKAY.

THAT'S AN ISSUE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> THEN THERE'S THE ITALIAN PAPERS FULL OF REPORTS OF A DOSSIER PREPARED FOR THE POPE'S

EYES ONLY SPROAZEDLY -- SUPPOSEDLY DETAILING A SEX AND BLACKMAIL SCANDAL INSIDE THE VATICAN.

>> Jon: I WAS THINKING OF THEE LOGICAL ISSUES.

JUST OUT OF CURIOSITY WHO PREPARES THAT DOSSIER FOR THE POPE.

>> HE MET PRIVATELY WITH THE ELDERLY ITALIAN INVESTIGATORS.

THE ITALIAN PRESS CALLEDS THEM THE 007 CARDINALS.

>> Jon: AH, THE RARE PAPAL DESIGNATION 807 CARDINAL.

MAYBE ITALY DOESN'T HAVE A POPE OR PRIME MINISTER NOW BUT IT DOES ACCORDING TO THE 007 THING

HAVE THE MAKINGS FOR A GREAT NEW SOCIAL SECURITY S.FUL MOVIE GOLDMITRE, IF YOU WILL, YOU ONLY

LIVE TWICE PRESUMING YOU ARE OUR LOVE LORD AND SAVIOR

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