Everybody Hates U.S.

  • Aired:  10/24/13
  •  | Views: 139,276

Pakistan criticizes the United States' drone program, and France and Germany take issue with America's global surveillance apparatus. (6:14)

>> Jon: WELCOME TO THE DAILYSHOW, MY NAME IS JON

STEWART.

WE HAD A GOOD ONE TONIGHT.

FROM THE AMAZING FILM 12YEARS A SLAVE WHICH IS

PHENOMENAL, AND THISGENTLEMAN IS PHENOMENAL,

CHIWETEL EJIOFOR-- IN THE FILM,HE KNOCKS IT OUT OF THE

PARK.

BUT FIRST, OUR TOP STORY,NEW REPORTS THAT COULD

MAKE OUR ALREADY ICYRELATIONSHIP WITH THE COUNTRY OF

PAKISTAN COLDER THAN AWITCH'S-- FROZEN DESSERT

TREAT TIT.

>> TWO INFLUENTIAL HUMANRIGHT GROUPS ARE OUT WITH

SCATHING REPORTS ABOUTU.S. DRONE STRIKES OVERSEAS

THE GROUPS CLAIM MORECIVILIANS HAVE BEEN KILLED

IN PAKISTAN THAN THE U.S.

HAS ACKNOWLEDGED.

>> THE NEW PRIME MINISTER IS NOTGOING TO BE VERY

HAPPY ABOUT ALL OF THIS.

>> Jon: OH, I'M SORRY,PAKISTAN.

I DIDN'T KNOW YOU DIDN'TLIKE YOUR CITIZENS BEING

SKY-SSASINATED ON THE WHIMSOF A FOREIGN SUPERPOWER.

WE THOUGHT YOU WERE COOL.

(LAUGHTER)I GUESS IT'S UNFORTUNATE BUT

GOOD THING IS I GUESS WE CANJUST LAY LOW FOR A WHILE AND

JUST GET BACK IF TOUCH WITHPAKISTAN WHEN THE WOUNDS

AREN'T SO FRESH, YOU KNOW.

>> TONIGHT PAKISTAN'S PRIMEMINISTER

NAWAZ SHARIF IS AT THE WHITEHOUSE FOR HIS FIRST

FACE-TO-FACE MEETING WITHPRESIDENT OBAMA.

(LAUGHTER)>> Jon: AWKWARD.

(LAUGHTER)BOY, THAT'S THE SORT OF

MEETING WHERE YOU REALLYNEED OLD BO IN THE ROOM,

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN,SOMETHING ELSE TO TALK

ABOUT.

YEAH, I KNOW THOSE DRONESTRIKES ARE [BLEEP] UP, BUT

HE REALLY LIKES THAT BONE, LOOKAT THAT, HE'S LICKING HIS

OWN ASS.

WHAT WERE WE TALKING ABOUT?

I TELL YOU WHO OBAMA WISHES HEWAS RIGHT NOW,

SECRETARY OFSTATE KERRY.

BECAUSE WHEN THIS WENT DOWNKERRY HAD THE GOOD LUCK TO

BE VISITING OUR ALLY FRANCE.

KERRY'S TIMING COULD NOTHAVE BEEN BETTER.

>> THE TIMING COULD NOT HAVEBEEN WORSE.

AS.

US SECRETARY OF STATE JOHNKERRY STEPPED OFF THE PLANE

IN PARIS, HE WAS IMMEDIATELYEMBROILED IN AN EMBARRASSING

CONTROVERSY BETWEEN FRANCEAND THE U.S..

>> Jon: OH, WHAT DID WE DOFRANCE, TO CAUSE THE

CONTROVERSY?

(LAUGHTER)WHAT, DID WE DRINK OUT OF

THE BIDET AGAIN?

(LAUGHTER)WHAT HAPPENED, DID WE CALL

SPARKLING WINE CHAMPAGNEAGAIN?

WE KNOW THE DIFFERENCE, WEJUST DON'T GIVE A [BLEEP]

(LAUGHTER)>> Jon: DID WE MAKE A

MOCKERY OF YOUR MOSTCHERISHED ATHLETIC EVENT BY

HAVING AN AMERICAN WIN IT 7TIMES IN A ROW THROUGH A

SOPHISTICATED BLOOD DOPINGSCHEME?

THAT LAST ONE WE DID DO,ACTUALLY?

IS THAT WHAT IT IS?

>> THE NATIONAL SECURITYAGENCY SPIED ON MILLIONS OF

FRENCH CITIZENS, ACCORDINGTO THE LEADING NEWSPAPER

LE MONDE.

>> Jon: OH, THAT.

HEHE.

AWKWARD.

GOOD THING OUR TOP DIPLOMATIS ON THE CASE.

>> AT THE END OF A DAY OFRAPID DEVELOPMENTS MR. KERRY

OFFERED THIS EXPLANATION.

>> Jon: KERRY SAID TO THE FRENCHQUOTE

NATIONS BE SPYING, YO!

THIS AMBASSADOR KNOWS WHATI'M TALKING ABOUT.

(LAUGHTER)ACTUALLY, THAT'S NOT REALLY

WHAT HE SAID.

THIS IS WHAT REALLY WHAT HESAID.

>> AS PRESIDENT OBAMA SAID,VERY CLEARLY IN A RECENT

SPEECH THAT HE GAVE AT THEUNITED NATIONS GENERAL

ASSEMBLY JUST A FEW WEEKSAGO, HE SAID WE IN THE

UNITED STATES ARE CURRENTLYREVIEWING THE WAY THAT WE

GATHER INTELLIGENCE.

>> Jon: BY REVIEWING THE WAYWE GATHER INTELLIGENCE, WE

MEAN FROM NOW ON WE'RE GOINGTO TRY AND DO IT SECRETLY.

(LAUGHTER)IN OUR DEFENSE, THOUGH, OUR

MONITORING 70 MILLION FRENCHCONVERSATIONS WASN'T

ESPIONAGE, IT'S JUST FRENCHPHONE CALLS ARE ALL

SO HOT. LIKE A NATIONWIDE SEXLINE, EVEN FRENCH PEOPLE

TALKING ABOUT THEIR MORTGAGEPAYMENTS IT'S ALL LIKE OH,

MO CHERIE, O, 2.5% APR,-- YOUR OTHER BANK, YOU

MUST NEVER TELL HER.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)AND BY THE WAY, IT'S NOT LIKE

WE'RE SPYING ON OUR OTHERALLIES.

>> IN WHAT APPEARS TO HAVEBEEN A BLUNT AND

EMBARRASSING PHONE CALLTODAY, THE CHANCELLOR OF

GERMANY TOLD PRESIDENT OBAMATO STOP TAPPING HER PHONE.

(LAUGHTER)>> Jon: AWKWARD.

(LAUGHTER)LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MY

IMPRESSION OF HOW THAT PHONECALL WENT, HEY, HOW ARE YOU,

ANGELA, WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

YOU KNOW HOW I AM.

IT IS IMPRESSIVE WEMANAGED TO PUT A TAP ON THE

ACTUAL CHANCELLOR HERSELF

WHO COULD HAVE GOTTEN CLOSEENOUGH TO DO SOMETHING LIKE

THAT, I MEAN IT'S-- OH MYGOD!

THAT'S WHAT IT WAS.

HE WAS-- PLANTING THE BUG,UNBELIEVABLE.

(APPLAUSE)>> Jon: WHITE HOUSE, YOU'VE

GOT SOME EXPLAINING TO DOWHITE HOUSE.

>> I CAN TELL YOU THAT THEPRESIDENT ASSURED THE

CHANCELLOR THAT THE UNITEDSTATES IS NOT MONITORING AND

WILL NOT MONITOR THECOMMUNICATIONS OF THE

CHANCELLOR.

>> Jon: IS NOT MONITORING,WILL NOT MONITOR.

I THINK YOU'RE MISSING ATENSE THERE.

YOU GOT YOUR PRESENTPROGRESSIVE THERE AND YOU

GOT YOUR SIMPLE FUTURE.

BUT YOU'RE MISSING YOUR PASTPROGRESSIVE, AKA THE WE WERE

NOT-- WHERE'S YOUR PASTPROGRESSIVE TENSE, JAY

CARNEY?

BY THE WAY, THAT JOKEBROUGHT TO YOU BY GRAMMER.

GRAMMER-- (APPLAUSE)

YEAH GRAMMAR, IT'S THE RULESWHAT MAKE YOUR MOUTH FEEL

DUMB.

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