Who Froze Jade Rabbit?

  • Aired:  02/04/14
  •  | Views: 116,289

China's moon rover runs into technical problems and bids adieu to the people of Earth. (6:06)

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]>> Jon: WELCOME BACK.

FOLKS, BUCKLE YOUR SEATBELTSBECAUSE THE COUNTRY OF CHINA HAS

TAKEN ANOTHER GREAT LEAPFORWARD.

THIS TIME INTO SPACE.

[ LAUGHTER ]>> CHINA HAS BECOME JUST THE

THIRD COUNTRY TO TAKE A SOFTLANDING ON THE MOON, BEIJING'S

NEWEST SPACECRAFT LANDED THERETODAY.

IT CARRIED A SIX WHEELED LUNARROVER EQUIPPED WITH FOUR CAMERAS

AND TWO MECHANICAL LEGS TO DIGSOIL SAMPLES.

IT'S CALLED THE JADE RABBIT.

>> Jon: THAT'S NICE, CHINAGOOD FOR YOU.

AMERICA'S APOLLO LUNAR ROVERDATES BACK TO 1971 BUT GOOD FOR

YOU.

43 YEARS AGO MEANING NORMALLYTHIS IS WHERE I WOULD SAY

SOMETHING LIKE -- I DON'TKNOW -- SUCK IT CHINA!

BUT I SHALL REFRAIN.

MAINLY BECAUSE WE WROTE IT INMOON DUST 43 YEARS AGO.

BOOM!

I DROPPED A BOMB ON YOU!

I'LL EVEN RESTRAIN MYSELF FROMPOINTING OUT THAT THE JADE

RABBIT CHINA'S SOURCE OFNATIONAL PRIDE SHARES THE NAME

OF A EROTIC MASSAGER THAT ISRIBBED FOR EXTRA PLEASURE.

THAT JADE RABBIT CAN ALSO SENDYOU TO THE MOON.

[LAUGHTER]AND FROM THE LOOKS OF IT MAKE A

VERY DELIGHTFUL AND FLUFFY SOSOUFFLE.

WE WISH CHINA'S JADE RABBIT ALLTHE BEST, LONG MAY IT ROVE.

>> THE LUNAR EXPLORER KNOWN ASJADE RABBIT BROKE DOWN WHILE

STUDYING THE MOON'S CRUST.

THE ROVER COULD NOT DEAL WITHTHE LUNAR ENVIRONMENT.

>> Jon: I KNEW THEY SHOULDHAVE SENT THE DILDO.

I SCREWED THAT ALL UP BECAUSE IWAS SO EXCITED TO GET TO THE

WORD DILDO.

[ LAUGHTER ]ALL THE S AND SH SOUNDS ON THE

WAY WERE LIKE BANANA PEELS.

I'M COMING DILDO, HERE I COME.

WOO!

I'M NO MOON EXPERT --[LAUGHTER]

-- BUT I'M PRETTY SURE BEINGABLE TO DEAL WITH THE LUNAR

ENVIRONMENT IS WHAT YOU WOULDCONSIDER A CORE COMPETENCY FOR A

LUNAR ROVER. DID THE JADE RABBITJUST (bleep) ITS WAY THROUGH THE

JOB INTERVIEW.

MR. RABBIT I SEE A LOT OF GOODSTUFF ON THE RESUME.

THE WHEELS THERE, AND WHAT DOYOU CALL IT THAT GRABS THE

ROCKS?

WE'LL NEED THAT.

EXCELLENT.

HOW COMFORTABLE ARE YOU WITH THELUNAR ENVIRONMENT?

LUNAR ENVIRONMENT, I MEAN, I'MNOT A LUNATIC BUT I'M

WILLING TO LEARN.

[LAUGHTER]OBVIOUSLY IT'S A SETBACK FOR

CHINA'S GOVERNMENT AND ITSPEOPLE.

HOW ARE THEY COPING?

>> PEOPLE IN CHINA ARE USING THE#HANGINTHEREJADERABBIT.

>> Jon: HANG IN THERE JADERABBIT.

YOU KNOW IT'S A GO KART, RIGHT?

YOU WANT TO GIVE SOMEBODY A PEPTALK THERE'S AN APPLE FACTORY

TWO BLOCKS DOWN.

HOW IS THE JADE RABBIT SUPPOSEDTO RESPOND TO THIS?

>> JADE RABBIT POST READ "OOPS,I MIGHT HAVE BROKEN DOWN MY

MASTERS ARE TRYING TO FIGURE OUTWAYS TO SAVE ME BUT I MIGHT NOT

MAKE IT THROUGH THIS MOONNIGHT."

[LAUGHTER]>> Jon: HANG IN THERE, JADE

RABBIT.

I GOT MOON DUST IN THE EYES.

CHINA MAY NOT HAVE RUN THE RACEFOR SPACE BUT THEY WON THE RACE

FOR MOST LYRICAL AND POETICROBOT I'VE EVER HEARD.

ALL WE GET WHEN AMERICANCOMPUTERS FAIL IS LIKE A PUBLIC

DOMAIN SONG FROM THE 1800'S.

♪ YOU CALL THAT MOVING?

YOU MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK OUTALEXANDER'S RAGTIME BAND.

LOOK, I REALLY AM (bleep) OLD,AREN'T I?

I FELT THE ENTIRE AUDIENCE GO ISTHAT GRAVITY, WHAT MOVIE IS

THAT?

I CANNOT STRESS THIS ENOUGH,THESE ARE THE ACTUAL WORDS FROM

CHINA'S MEDIA ON BEHALF OF JADERABBIT.

AND THEY ARE THE NOTEBOOK LEVELHEART-RENDING.

LET'S GO OUT TO THE MOON RIGHTNOW.

PERHAPS WE CAN JUST HEAR ALITTLE BIT MORE OF HIS REAL

ACTUAL BEAUTIFUL LAST WORDS.

>> HELLO, EVERYONE.

MY MASTER FOUND I HAVE AMECHANICAL CONTROL ABNORMALITY,

SOME OF MY BODY PARTS WILL NOTOBEY THEIR COMMANDS.

>> Jon: GODDAMN IT JADE, DON'TYOU QUIT ON ME.

DON'T YOU QUIT ON ME JADERABBIT.

DON'T YOU DO IT JADE RABBIT.

>> THE SUN HAS FALLEN AND THETEMPERATURE IS DROPPING SO

QUICKLY.

[ LAUGHTER ]TO TELL YOU ALL A SECRET, I

DON'T FEEL THAT SAD.

I WAS JUST IN MY OWN ADVENTURESTORY AND LIKE EVERY HERO, I

ENCOUNTERED A SMALLPROBLEM.

GOOD NIGHT, EARTH.

GOOD NIGHT.

GOOD NIGHT, HUMANITY.

[ LAUGHTER ]>> Jon: GOOD NIGHT, MOON.

♪ DAISY, DAISY GIVE ME YOURANSWER -- ♪

>> Jon: WHY DO THEY ALWAYS SINGTHAT (bleep) SONG?

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

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