Indecision 2012 - The Corn Identity

  • Aired:  01/04/12
  •  | Views: 146,529

After six hours of mostly unnecessary coverage, Michele Bachmann and Rick Perry emerge as the biggest losers of the Iowa caucus. (5:05)

CAPTIONING SPONSORED BY

COMEDY CENTRAL

>> Jon: HI, EVERYBODY.

WELCOME TO THE SHOW.

WHAT A WONDERFUL DISPLAY OF

ENTHUSIASM.

OUR GUEST TONIGHT, AUTHOR

ELIZABETH DOWLING TAYLOR.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

NICE.

WOW.

SUCH HARD NAME TO PRONOUNCE.

OBVIOUSLY TONIGHT WE'LL BE

DEALING WITH IOWA AND OUR

UP-TO-THE-MINUTE COVERAGE OF ALL

THE [BLEEPED] YOU ALREADY KNOW.

[LAUGHTER]

LOOK, I REASON THE FIRST ONE TO

EXPRESS HOW ON SERDLY

OVERCOVERED THE IOWA CAUCUSES

ARE.

IT'S ONE POLL WIDELY

UNREPRESENTATIVE OF AMERICANS.

THAT BEING SAID, WATCHING IOWANS

STUFF HAND-WRITTEN BALLOTS INTO

REPURPOSEED GIFT BOXES AS TO

NEUTRALIZE ANY EAST COAST BIG

CITY ELITIST SMEAR, I WOULD LIKE

THE DRIZZLE ALL OVER IT LIKE

RASPBERRY BALSAMIC VINAIGRETTE.

I WANT TO [BLEEPED] ON THIS, BUT

IT'S KIND OF BEAUTIFUL.

THE ENTIRE IOWA PROCESS SEEMS

LIKE AN HISTORICAL RE-ENACTMENT

ABYET SHOCKS YOU CAN ITS

SIMPLICITY.

YOU'RE FLOODED WITH A BYGONE

ERA.

IT'S LIKE WALKING INTO A HOUSE

AND THEY'VE GOT A FIRE GOING IN

THIS WEIRD PIT AND THEY'RE LIKE,

WHAT'S THAT.

AND THEY'RE LIKE, IT'S BOOED,

BUT IT'S BURNING.

THE FIREPLACE.

BUT WHERE ARE THE GAS JETS OR

THE REMOTE.

I REALLY THINK THE IOWA CAUCUSES

ARE ONE OF THE FEW EVENTS IN OUR

CIVIC LIFE WHERE IT WOULD BE

INDESTRUCTIVE TO ALLOW IT TO

PLAY OUT IN FRONT OF THE CAMERAS

BECAUSE IT GIVES US A DEEPER

UNDERSTANDING TO OUR CONNECTION

TO OUR DEMOCRACY.

HOW DO YOU THINK CNN WILL

[BLEEPED] THAT UP.

>> CHECK OUT THESE LITTLE GUYS.

IMAGINE THEY'RE IOWA REPUBLICANS

SHOWING UP FOR CAUCUSES.

THAT'S A REPRESENTATIVE OF MITT

ROMNEY.

HE'S GOING TO THE FRONT OF THE

ROOM TO PROMOTE HIS CANDIDATE.

THE CAUCUSGOERS GET A CHANCE TO

VOTE.

THEY CAN WRITE IT DOWN OP A

PIECE OF PAPER.

>> THEY HAVE A TELEPHONE.

THEY CAN CALL AND GIVE THE

RESULTS OF THAT CAUCUS.

>> Jon: WHY!

WHY?

WHY!

THERE ARE ROOMS IN 9 9 COUNTIES

IN IOWA DEMONSTRATING THE REAL

THING AND YOU HAVE CAMERAS, WHY

THIS MULTICOLORED FEATURELESS

DILDO PEOPLE?

[LAUGHTER]

FOR GOD'S SAKE, THIS IS WHY

PEOPLE... REALLY NOT THAT FOND

OF CNN AT TIMES.

AFTER SIX HOURS MOSTLY

UNNECESSARY COVERAGE, ACTUAL

CAUCUSES RESULTS TRICKLED IN.

THE TWO BIGGEST WINNERS, MICHELE

BACHMANN AND RICK PERRY, WHO

CONTINUES TO BE ONE OF MY

FAVORITE CANDIDATES FOR HIS COME

PROOTLY UNJUSTIFIED ENTHUSIASM

IN THE FACE OF A FIFTH-PLACE ASS

KICKING.

>> YEAH.

YOU BET.

YOU KIDS ARE AWESOME.

>> WE LOVE YOU, RICK.

>> ALL RIGHT.

HEY, BROTHER.

OH, MAN, THANK YOU, MAN.

YOU AN RUTH WERE AWESOME.

JON JON WHOOO.

WHAT'S UP, EVERYBODY.

I SPENT A [BLEEPED] LOAD OF

MONEY IN IOWA, DIDN'T GET A

WHOLE LOT OF VOTES.

WHAT'S UP?

I HAD A HELL OF A TIME.

I THINK MY CAMPAIGN MIGHT BE

DEAD IN THE WATER, BY OUR HOTEL

IN DES MOINES WAS COOL AS

[BLEEPED].

THE FOOD WAS GREAT AND THE MAID

FOLDED THE ENDS OF THE TOILET

PAPER LIKE A FAN SHAPE.

I FELT GUILTY WIPING MY HIND

QUARTERS WITH IT TO BE HONEST.

THIS PLACE PUTS THE RAD IN

"RADISSON."

BY THE WAY, I GOT CRUSHED.

FOR MICHELE BACHMANN, HER SIXTH

PLACE FINISH WAS REFLECTED IN

HER SOMBER CONFESSION, BUT AS

ALWAYS, THERE WAS ONE SILVER

LINING.

>> I MUST THANK MY WONDERFUL

HUSBAND OF 33 YEARS MARCUS

BACHMANN.

AND YESTERDAY WHEN WE WERE OUT

ON MAIN STREET IN DES MOINES, HE

WAS BUYING DOGGIE SUNGLASSES FOR

OUR DOG BOOMER WHILE WE WERE OUT

VISITING ALL OF THE MANY

BUSINESSES.

[LAUGHTER]

[APPLAUSE]

>> Jon: SERIOUSLY.

LOOK AT THE FACE HE'S MAKING.

THE ONLY SOUND YOU CAN MAKE WHEN

YOUR MOUTH IS SHAPED THAT WAY IS

"HO OH," WHICH TRANSLATES TO

"SORRY I RUINED YOUR CAMPAIGN

BECAUSE OF MY OBSESSION WITH DOG

ACCESSORIES.

ALTHOUGH NOTHING SAYS SIXTH-LACE

FINISH LIKE DOG ACCESSO

Loading...