Democalypse 2012 - Wait! Don't Leave! Here Is a Picture of Taylor Lautner Edition

  • Aired:  08/14/12
  •  | Views: 68,750

Two men battle in this election: one belonging to a very old, pale clan of ancient bloodsuckers; the other to a wild, young and diverse feral group of incoherent people. (4:02)

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) HEY, WELCOME TO "THE DAILY

SHOW." MY NAME IS JON STEWART.

OUR GUEST TONIGHT, OH, THIS IS A TREAT.

OLYMPIC GOLD MEDALIST MISTY MAY-TREANOR HERE TO TALK ABOUT HER RECENT TABLOID BREAKUP WITH

LET'S SAY SOMEONE FROM "THE HUNGER GAMES." ANYWAY, THERE WAS A GREAT DEAL

OF INTEREST ONLINE WITH ROBERT PATTINSON BECAUSE OF THAT WHOLE THING AND KRISTEN STEWART.

OUR RATINGS IN THE KEY DEMOGRAPHIC THAT ADVERTISERS USE TO SELECT THEIR KILL LIST...

(LAUGHTER).

I'M SORRY "PREFERRED CUSTOMERS." WAS TO USE THEIR TERMINOLOGY BOFFA.

IT MADE ME REALIZE THAT I HAD AFTER SEEING THE RATINGS FOR THE PAST ALMOST 15 YEARS BEEN

FOCUSED ON DOING A PROGRAM ABOUT SUBJECTS THAT ARE... LET ME JUST SHOW YOU THE TWEETS FROM THE FIRST...

(LAUGHTER).

FROM THE FIRST 15 MINUTES OF LAST NIGHT'S SHOW.

SON OF A BITCH.

(LAUGHTER) TOTES LAME.

HASHTAG MEH.

(LAUGHTER) ANYWAY, JOIN ME NOW FOR D.E.M.

LOCK LIPS, 2012, WAIT, DO LEAVE,

HERE'S A PICTURE OF TAYLOR LAUTNER EDITION.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) TO THE ELECTION!

I WILL MAKE THIS WORK!

TWO MEN BATTLE IN THIS ELECTION.

ONE OF THEM BELONGING TO A VERY OLD, VERY PALE CLAN OF ANCIENT BLOOD SUCKERS.

(LAUGHTER) THE OTHER A WILD YOUNG AND DIVERSE FERAL GROUP OF INCOHERENT PEOPLE.

(LAUGHTER) BOTH COMPETING FOR SOMETHING ONLY ONE OF THEM CAN POSSESS.

A FOUR-YEAR CONSTITUTIONALLY MANDATED TERM HEADING OUR NATION'S EXECUTIVE BRANCH.

(LAUGHTER) I MEAN THE LOVE OF AN UNDERAGED WOMAN NAMED AMERICA.

(LAUGHTER) ONE OF THE MEN, THE VAMPIRE...

(LAUGHTER).

... HAS CHOSEN... WHAT IS THE VAMPIRE EQUIVALENT OF A VICE PRESIDENTIAL RUNNING MATE.

GODDAMNIT!

WE'RE TALKING ABOUT PAUL RYAN!

HE'S GOT THE REPUBLICAN BASE ALL FIRED UP.

AND IN HIS FIRST SPEECH AS THE V.P. NOMINEE ON SATURDAY HE MADE IT CLEAR HE IS HERE TO FIX WHAT

AILS US.

>> HIGHER UNEMPLOYMENT,

DECLINING INCOMES AND CRUSHING DEBT IS NOT A NEW NORMAL.

IT IS THE RESULT OF MISGUIDED POLICIES.

>> Jon: (LAUGHS) (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) HE HAS MISGUIDED...

(LAUGHTER).

ANYWAY, WHAT PAUL RYAN IS SAYING IS THAT WE ARE TRILLIONS OF DOLLARS IN DEBT AND THAT IS DUE

TO WHAT HE IS SAYING ARE THE MISGUIDED POLICIES OF WE ARE TO ASSUME BARACK OBAMA.

SO LET'S LOOK AT HOW WE WENT FROM A 1990s SURPLUS TO THIS ENORMOUS PUBLICLY HELD DEBT.

LET'S SEE, $1.7 TRILLION OF THE DEBT COMES FROM THE BUSH TAX CUTS.

TWO FOREIGN WARS.

THAT AIN'T CHEAP.

MEDICARE D PLAN, THAT WAS NEW ENTITLEMENT SPENDING.

THERE WAS SOME EXTRA DEFENSE SPENDING THAT WAS IN THERE.

MORE TAX CUTS.

THERE WAS THE TARP BANK BAILOUT.

THAT'S A LOT OF DEBT.

I MEAN, WHAT KIND OF AN IRRESPONSIBLE LUNATIC WOULD VOTE FOR EVERY ONE OF THESE MISGUIDED

FISCAL TIME BOMBS?

I'LL GIVE YOU A HINT.

HIS NAME BEGINS WITH PAUL RYAN AND ENDS WITH SILENCE!

(CHEERS AND

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