The Humanization of Dick Cheney

  • Aired:  09/14/11
  •  | Views: 103,774

With the release of his tell-some book, Former Vice President Dick Cheney is saying, "Hello, world. It's me, Dick." (4:08)

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

>> Jon: WELCOME TO "THE DAILY

SHOW."

MY NAME IS... MY NAME IS JON

STEWART.

MY GUEST TONIGHT, OH, WE'RE

EXCITED, RAPPER, WHITE HOUSE

POETRY NIGHT GUST, ACTOR,

DESTROYER OF CIVILIZATIONS.

COMMON WILL BE JOINING US ON THE

PROGRAM TONIGHT.

BUT FIRST, AS YOU'LL RECALL,

DURING HIS TIME AS AN ELECTED

OFFICIAL ACCOUNTABLE TO THE

NATION'S VOTERS, OUR VICE

PRESIDENT DICK CHENEY KEPT

SOMETHING OF A LOW PROFILE.

[LAUGHTER]

STAYING IN UNDISCLOSED

LOCATIONS, ERASING THE VICE

PRESIDENTIAL RESIDENCE FROM

GOOGLE MAPS, TRAVELING ONLY A

NIGHT ON THE NEW MOON AT LOW

TIDE.

BUT WITH THE RELEASE LAST MONTH

OF HIS NEW TELL-SOME BOOK,

CHENEY IS NOW SAYING, HELLO,

WORLD, IT'S ME, DICK.

HE'S ON "DATELINE," THE "TODAY

SHOW," MORNING SHOW, EVERY SHOW

FOLK NEWS HAS EVER PRODUCED,

INCLUDING A DOUBLE SHOT OF

HANNITY, "THE SITUATION ROOM,"

ABC NEWS, C-SPAN AND EVEN THE

THE UNSHOW, WHERE THINGS GOT

SOMEWHAT SURREAL.

>> It's "The Tonight Show with

Jay Leno."

Tonight Jay welcomes former vice

president Dick Cheney.

Carrot top.

OH, MMM, OH, OH, HOLD ON.

SIX LEGS, TWO HEARTS AND A

PENDING INDICTMENT FOR WAR

CRIMES AT THE HAGUE.

MMM, MMM, MMM, MMM.

NAME THREE THINGS THAT THE

TONIGHT SHOW PANEL POSSESSIONS.

[LAUGHTER]

THAT'S WHY CARSON WAS THE

GREATEST.

THAT'S GOING TO BE A HARD ONE TO

EXPLAIN TO THE ALIENS WHO VISIT

THIS EARTH.

BUT, OF COURSE, FOR ME THE

HIGHLIGHT OF CHENEY'S TOUR BEGAN

YESTERDAY WHEN HE, ALONG WITH

HIS WIFE LYNN, DROPPED IN ON THE

LADIES OF THE VIEW.

>> MR. VICE PRESIDENT, I WANT TO

TALK ABOUT THIS LITTLE BULGE

HERE.

[LAUGHTER]

>> Jon: I'M GUESSING THAT LINE

WAS ESPECIALLY UNSETTLING ON

"THE VIEW'S" RADIOBROADCAST.

>> LAST YEAR AGO JUNE, I WENT

INTO END-STAGE HEART FAILURE.

IN EFFECT MY HEART WASN'T

PUMPING ENOUGH BLOOD TO SURFACE

MY ORGAN.

[LAUGHTER]

>> Jon: GO ON.

>> THIS IS THE CONTROL ELEMENT

THAT RUNS IT.

THE ACTUAL PUMP ITSELF IS INSIDE

MY CHEST.

YOU NEED POWER ALL THE TIME, 24

HOURS A DAY, SEVEN DAYS A WEEK.

[BEEPING]

>> WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

>> PUT THE BATTERY BACK.

[LAUGHTER]

>> Jon: CHENEY'S FRAILTY

SAPPING MY ABILITY TO POKE FUN

AT HIS VILE PUBLIC SERVICE

RECORD.

I... BUT WHY?

>> HE'S MORE MACHINE NOW THAN

MAN.

>> YES, YES.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

THAT'S WHY.

THAT'S WHAT IS SAPPING MY

ABILITY TO POKE FUN AT HIM,

GHOST OF ALEC GUINNESS, IT'S

THAT THE DARTH VADER METAPHOR IS

NOW MORE TRUE THAN FUNNY.

I... THIS IS REALLY

UNBELIEVABLE.

IT TOOK A PIECE OF BIONIC

MACHINERY TO HUMANIZE DICK

CHENEY.

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