The Married vs. Single Woman Vote

  • Aired:  11/14/12
  •  | Views: 229,695

Married women prove to be the lone bright spot on the GOP's demographic map, and Kristen Schaal explains why single women don't care about America's future. (6:36)

ELECTORAL COLLEGE -- OH, I'M STUPID!

THAT BEING SAID, TONIGHT'S SHOW, REPUBLICANS STILL REELING FROM THEIR ELECTORAL DEFEAT LAST WEEK

AND REASSESSING THEIR OUTREACH EFFORTS AFTER SUFFERING ENORMOUS EROSION OF SUPPORT AMONGST

ASIANS, LATINOS AND AFRICAN AMERICANS OR, AS REPUBLICANS SOMETIMES REFER TO THE GROUPS,

THE REASON THEIR KIDS DIDN'T GET INTO THEIR FIRST-CHOICE SCHOOLS.

(AUDIENCE REACTS) BUT THERE IS ONE -- OH, YES, THEY DO!

(LAUGHTER) BUT THERE IS ONE BRIGHT SPOT ON THE G.O.P.'S DEMOGRAPHIC MAP.

>> MARRIED WOMEN TENDED TO FAVOR MITT ROMNEY.

>> Jon: MARRIED WOMEN!

(LAUGHTER) NOW WHY DO YOU THINK SPECIFICALLY MARRIED WOMEN WOULD FAVOR MITT ROMNEY?

PLEASE FEEL FREE TO PAINT THIS DEMOGRAPHIC IN THE MOST POSITIVE LIGHT YOU CAN.

>> MARRIED WOMEN THINK ABOUT THE FUTURE OF THEIR CHILDREN.

>> THEY HAVE MORE RESPONSIBILITY AND YOU'RE RUNNING A HOUSEHOLD.

>> SO MARRIED YOU TEND TO BE MORE SETTLED, YOU'RE THINKING ABOUT THE KIDS, THINKING ABOUT

HOW THE COUNTRY'S GOING TO BE WHEN THEY GROW UP.

>> THEY'RE NOT JUST SOME SELFISH (BLEEP).

(LAUGHTER) (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) OH.

I'M SORRY.

THEY DIDN'T SAY THAT.

THEY PARAPHRASED IT.

>> AMONG SINGLE WOMEN, A WHOPPING 67% VOTED FOR THE PRESIDENT.

>> I CAN'T EXPLAIN, FOR EXAMPLE, SINGLE WOMEN OTHER THAN THE ABORTION ISSUE.

>> THEIR ISSUE IS ABOUT BORG.

>> TURNS OUT THEY ARE ONE-ISSUE VOTERS.

>> WE HAD WOMEN WHO COULD ACTUALLY AFFORD BIRTH CONTROL, SUBURBAN COLLEGE EDUCATED WOMEN

TURN OUT AND SAY "I WANT FREE BIRTH CONTROL."

>> Jon: I MEAN, IT WAS UNBELIEVABLE.

THESE WEREN'T GROSS SLUTTY POOR PEOPLE WOMEN!

WE'RE TALKING TRI-DELT DEALTS, ALPHA CHI OMEGAS, GAB BE GAB BE HEYS.

JOINING US NOW ARE SENIOR WOMEN'S ISSUES CORRESPONDENT KRISTEN SCHAAL.

KRISTEN, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR JOINING US.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) SO HERE'S WHAT WE'RE HEARING NOW.

SINGLE WOMEN, WHAT THEY'RE SAYING IS, VOTE DEMOCRATIC BECAUSE THEY DON'T CARE ABOUT

THE FUTURE OF AMERICA AND ONLY THINK ABOUT ABORTION.

YOUR THOUGHTS ON THIS?

>> WELL, I WAS TOTALLY OFFENDED UNTIL A CERTAIN RECENT LIFE EVENT CHANGED MY PRIORITIES.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Jon: OH, RIGHT, I'M SORRY.

I'M SORRY.

YOU GOT MARRIED THIS SUMMER.

CONGRATULATIONS.

I HEARD YOU GOT MARRIED.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) THAT'S NICE.

I HEARD IT WAS GREAT.

I HEARD IT WAS -- I HEARD IT WAS A GREAT WEDDING.

I WASN'T INVITED.

>> NO.

(LAUGHTER).

>> Jon: UM -- BUT YOU SEEM LIKE THE SAME PERSON.

>> (LAUGHS) HOW DARE YOU, JON?

AS SOON AS A GROOM, MY GROOM, CARRIED ME ACROSS THE THRESHOLD I FELT SOMETHING NEW EXPLODING

INSIDE ME.

(LAUGHTER) AND YOU KNOW WHAT THAT WAS?

(LAUGHTER).

>> Jon: NO, I DON'T, I'M NOT GONNA --

>> IT WAS CONCERN FOR AMERICA'S FUTURE.

BUT SINGLE WOMEN VOTE WITH THEIR VAGINAS, JON!

AND THEY ONLY CARE ABOUT ONE ISSUE-- THE SUCKING AND THE (BLEEP)ING.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Jon: ISN'T THAT TWO ISSUES?

(LAUGHTER)

>> NOT IF YOU'RE DOING IT RIGHT.

(LAUGHTER).

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

SORRY.

>> COME ON, JON, I MEAN, WE ALL REMEMBER THE SINGLE ME.

(LAUGHTER) NO, I'M NOT SAYING I WANT TO ENSLAVE MEN, I JUST WANT TO HURT THEM A LITTLE, YOU KNOW?

>> IS THAT COCAINE?

>> BIRTH CONTROL.

IF YOU CRUSH IT UP IT HITS YOU SO FAST.

ALL US LESBIANS ARE DOING IT.

>> Jon: WOW, I ACTUALLY DON'T REMEMBER THAT.

THAT WAS -- (LAUGHTER).

BY THE WAY, IF YOU WERE A LESBIAN, WHY DID YOU HAVE BIRTH CONTROL PILLS?

>> WHY NOT.

UNDER OBAMA THEY'RE FREE.

(LAUGHTER) ANYWAYS, I'M NOT SINGLE ANYMORE AND I FINALLY GET IT.

I WILL FIGHT FOR THE FUTURE OF MY CHILDREN!

>> Jon: RIGHT, BUT YOU DON'T HAVE CHILDREN.

>> NO, BUT I HAVE MY EYE ON A FEW DOWN THE STREET.

THEY ARE SO CUTE!

AND VERY U.N. SUPERVISED.

>> Jon: ONE WORD OF AVICE IF YOU DO HAVE THE KID.

GO-GURT.

>> YUMMY!

>> Jon: YEAH, IT'S REALLY NICE.

(LAUGHTER) SINGLE WOMEN ARE A GROWING DEMOGRAPHIC BUT WHAT CAN REPUBLICANS DO TO WIN THEIR

VOTES, THEN?

>> WELL, JON, THEY HAVE TO FRAME THEIR ARGUMENTS THROUGH PRISM OF THE VAGINA.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Jon: SOMEWHAT NARROW PRISM TO LOOK THROUGH.

(LAUGHTER)

>> NO, SOME ARE HUGE!

(LAUGHTER) BUT, JON, ALL VAGINAS HAVE A SACRED, ALMOST MYSTICAL FUNCTION.

>> Jon: WELL, YES, THEY PRODUCE LIFE.

THEY --

>> NO, THEY ATTRACT HUSBANDS!

AFTER YOU'RE MARRIED, YOU HARDLY NEED ONE ANYMORE.

>> Jon: WELL, NO, MARRIED WOMEN DO ALSO USE THEIR VAGINAS --

>> YEAH, I GUESS.

MAYBE TO HAVE SEX WITH A FOUR-STAR GENERAL, BUT HOW MANY OF THOSE ARE THERE?

(AUDIENCE REACTS)

>> Jon: I DON'T KNOW.

I DON'T KNOW HOW MANY FOUR STAR GENERALS THERE ARE.

>> 37 COUNTING ADMIRALS, BUT NOT ENOUGH TO GO AROUND, OKAY?

(LAUGHTER).

>> Jon: SO IN YOUR MIND WHAT CAN REPUBLICANS DO TO VAGAZZLE THEIR MESSAGE THEN?

>> HERE, I'LL SHOW YOU, GIVE ME ANY ISSUE.

>> Jon: WHAT ABOUT IMMIGRATION?

>> HEY, AMERICA, LET'S TAKE CHARGE OF OUR OWN PROTECTION.

INSERT A DIAPHRAGM BETWEEN US AND MEXICO TO STOP THOSE LITTLE SWIMMERS FROM IMPLANTING IN OUR

WOMB OF OPPORTUNITY, OUR COUNTRY, OUR CHOICE!

BUILD THE DANG FENCE!

(LAUGHTER).

>> Jon: WOW, THAT'S IMPRESSIVE.

THAT IS IMPRESSIVE.

I DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> AND IF THAT DOESN'T WORK, REPUBLICANS CAN TAKE CARE OF SINGLE WOMEN AND IMMIGRATION

WITH THE NUCLEAR OPTION.

>> Jon: NUCLEAR OPTION.

WHAT'S THAT?

>> A MOONEY STYLE MASS WEDDING.

TEN MILLION SINGLE LADIES, TEN MILLION ILLEGAL MEXICAN GARDENERS, 20 MILLION BRAND NEW REPUBLICANS!

(LAUGHTER)

>> Jon: HITTING TWO BIRD WITH ONE STADIUM.

>> EXACTLY!

AND IF WE GET THE LADIES AND THE LATINOS WE CAN KEEP IGNORING THE BLACKS, RIGHT?

HIGH FIVE!

IN THE SKY!

HIGH FIVE!

IN THE SKY!

HIGH FIVE, JON E BLOWING UP!

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