CNN: A Midsummer News Dreams

  • Aired:  07/29/14
  •  | Views: 95,751

When The Daily Show's Kickstarter campaign LetsBuyCNN.com secures enough funding to buy the channel, Jon decides to crowdsource the network's future programming as well. (6:15)

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]>> Jon: WELCOME BACK. SO, UH,

LAST WEEK ON THE SHOW, WE WEREDISCUSSING RUPERT MURDOCH'S

INCREASINGLY WORRISOMEADDICTION, ADDICTION, TO

PURCHASING MORE MEDIA COMPANIES.

MOST RECENTLY HIS BID TO BUYTIME WARNER, IT'S SAD TO WATCH

WHAT'S HAPPENING HERE.

AT THIS RATE HE NEEDS MEDIA SOBAD IT WON'T BE LONG UNTIL WE

FIND HIM IN AN ALLEY SUCKING[BLEEPED] FOR CRACKED.

THE WEBSITE, THE WEBSITE,HE WANTS TO ADD IT TO HIS MEDIA

EMPIRE.

[LAUGHTER]SO HE'S [BLEEPED] IN AN ALLEY

FOR SOME REASON. I DON'T...

HE'S ACTUALLY RICH ENOUGH, HECOULD PROBABLY BUY THAT, BUT WE

ALSO MENTIONED HOW SINCE MURDOCHALREADY CONTROLS THE FOX NEWS

CHANNEL, WHICH IS SO GOOD, IF HEDID BUY TIME WARNER, HE WOULD

HAVE TO PUT CNN ON THE AUCTIONBLOCK, LEADING US TO ASK FOR

YOUR HELP WITH OUR $10 BILLIONKICKSTARTER CAMPAIGN TO BUY CNN.

SO THE GOOD NEWS IS THIS: BOYTHERE WAS SOME REAL ENTHUSIASM

FOR THIS IDEA.

WE HAVE RAISED, AND THIS IS JUSTRECENTLY AS OF TONIGHT, $4.3

TRILLION.

I ASSUME ALL OF IT LEGITIMATE.

APPARENTLY EVERY ADULT PERSON INAMERICA WANTS TO MAKE THIS

HAPPEN.

SO WE WANT IT TO HAPPEN, ASWELL, BUT LAST WEEK ONE OF OUR

FUTURE EMPLOYEES EXPRESSED SOMEDOUBT.

>> YOU PROGRAM HALF AN HOUR --.

>> Jon: 22 MINUTES.

>> 22 MINUTES.

>> Jon: 22 MINUTES.

BUT I DO IT FOUR DAYS A WEEK.

>> I'LL GIVE, I'LL GIVE YOU,I'LL GIVE YOU THE OTHER

EIGHT MINUTES.>> Jon: OH IT'S KILLING ME.

>> SO THAT'S TWO HOURS OFPROGRAMMING A WEEK, RIGHT?

>> Jon: RIGHT.

>> CNN HAS 24 HOURS TIME 7...>> Jon: SURE.

>> 168 HOURS. >> Jon: 168 HOURS.

THAT'S LONGER THAN JAMESFRANCO'S ARM WAS TRAPPED UNDER A

BOLDER.

AND HE ONLY HAD TO DEAL WITHTHAT ONCE.

I'LL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THISEVERY WEEK AND I'VE ONLY GOT

TWO ARMS.

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT, WE'RECONFIDENT WE CAN DO BETTER THAN

WHOEVER IS CURRENTLYRUNNING THAT NETWORK, WHICH

I ASSUME IS JUST A ROOMFULOF ANGRY CHIMPS.

[LAUGHTER]LOOK, WE... THEY REALLY DON'T

EVEN LOOK THAT ANGRY IN THATPICTURE.

THEY LOOK LIKE JUST SOME BEMUSEDCHIMPS. TRYING TO ORDER PIZZA

OR SOMETHING. I DON'T KNOW, LOOKAT THEM.

LOOK, I KNOW WE'VE GIVEN CNN AHARD TIME IN THE PAST.

WE MAY HAVE LIGHTLY RIBBED THEIRENTHUSIASM FOR NEW TECHNOLOGY,

THEIR MAGIC GIANT TOUCH SCREENSAND TALL, GRANDE AND OF COURSE

VENTI, A NEWSROOM FLOOR YOU CANPLAY TETRIS ON HOLOGRAM, A GIANT

[BLEEPED] FOR NO REASON.

FLYING PIE CHARTS, VIRTUAL IOWACAUCUS DILDO PEOPLE.

DEEP-SEA AIRPLANE SEARCH PODSIMULATORS.

AND, OF COURSE, THIS.

>> YOU'VE NEVER SEEN ANYTHINGLIKE THIS ON TELEVISION.

>> HI, WOLF.

>> ALL RIGHT.

BIG ROUND OF APPLAUSE.

WE DID IT.

[LAUGHTER]>> Jon: WE DID IT.

WE MADE A REPORTER SHORTER ANDBLURRIER.

YOU KNOW, BUT MY POINT IS THIS:WE'VE TRIED TO BE HELPFUL, TOO.

WE HAVE THE CREDENTIALS TO RUNTHIS NETWORK.

OVER THE YEARS WE HAVE GIVEN CNNDOZENS OF NEW SHOW IDEAS.

>> WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK IN AMINUTE WITH MORE FROM THE

INCREDIBLY AWKWARD SOCIALSITUATION ROOM.

>> IT'S THAT NEW SHOW, YO CNNSNAPS.

>> BY THE WAY, CNN'S CLOCK HASJUST BEEN GIVE A NEW SHOW

"TIME OF DAY."

>> RICK SANCHEZ, HOW TO SURVIVEGETTING HID IN THE HEAD WITH

HAMMER.>> CLOCK FIRE.

>> THE SEARCH FOR THE FAKETWITTER FEED OF THE REAL GUY

FAKE-SEARCHING FOR THE REALPLANE.

>> GIN AND PRUNE JUICE.>> DON LEMON'S ZESTY NEWS BOWL.

>> BRITTLE AND TOKE.

>> WOLF BLITZER PRESENTS WOLFBLITZER'S OBAMA DOCTRINE.

>> LEMON HARANGUE.

>> IN THE NEW DUH ROOM.

>> HOW ABOUT A SEGMENT CALLED,HOLY [BLEEPED], THEY'RE TRYING

KILL THE LADY IN THE WHEELCHAIR.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]>> Jon: NO, NO, NO, NO.

DON'T.

REALLY.

CAN I SAY SOMETHING?

WHEN YOU GO BACK IN THEARCHIVES, IT REALLY IS OVERKILL.

[LAUGHTER]LIKE WE REALLY... WHEN YOU WATCH

IT BACK TO BACK TO BACK, YOUREALLY SAY TO YOURSELF, BOY, WE

ARE DICKS. WE ARE.

WE'VE EVEN STUFFED THE CNNSUGGESTION BOX WITH OUR

CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM.

I CAN'T COUNT THE NUMBER OFBRILLIANT REBRANDING IDEAS WE'VE

THROWN THEIR WAY.

I GUESS THAT EXPLAINS THEIR NEWSLOGAN: CNN, WE HAVE NO IDEA

WHAT THE [BLEEPED] WE'RE DOING.

IT'S THE SOPHIE'S CHOICE OFNEWS.

CNN, THE MOST TRUSTED NAME INOVER-CAFFEINATED CONTROL

FREAKS.

THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE OF NEWS.

WHICH EXPLAINS CNN'S NEW SLOGAN.

>> CNN, WE'RE ALL LIKE, I KNOW.

>> Jon: WE'RE LIKE A GHOSTNETWORK. DOOMED TO ROAM

THE AIRWAVES WITH NO IDEA WHATWE'RE DOING FOR ALL ETERNITY.

THEY'RE NOT EVEN NEWS ANCHORSANYMORE.

YOU'RE JUST NEWS V.J.s.

BASICALLY CNN HAS BECOME THISGUY.

[LAUGHTER]I LOVE BRUNCH. WHO DOESN'T LOVE

BRUNCH?

THAT'S NEWS.

IT'S GREAT BRANDING, WAY BETTERTHAN CNN'S, IF YOU'RE WATCHING

THIS YOUR FLIGHT HAS BEENCANCELED.

PLEASE GOD, SOMEONE HELP ME FINDTHE REMOTE.

THE TV IS STUCK ON CNN AND ICAN'T CHANGE THE CHANNEL.

C'MON MAN, SERIOUSLY, YOU CANTELL ME.

IT'S CNN.

NO ONE'S WATCHING.

>> THIS IS CNN.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]SO HERE'S MY POINT, MOVE ON.

HOW LONG HAVE WE BEEN STUDYINGCNN?

HERE'S HOW LONG:>> I WENT TO THE PARTY.

THEY SAID LIQUOR IN THE FRONT,BLITZER IN THE REAR.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]LOOK WHAT WATCHING CNN FOR 15

YEARS DOES TO A PERSON.

[LAUGHTER]THERE SHOULD BE A WARNING LABEL

ON THAT NETWORK.

MY POINT IS THIS: WE FEELQUALIFIED TO TAKE THIS ON.

BUT WE'RE DOING IT WITH YOURMONEY.

AND WHEN OUR PLAN SUCCEEDS, YOUWILL BE THE TRUE OWNERS OF CNN.

AND SO WE'D LIKE YOUR IDEAS, ASWELL.

GO TO LET'S BUY CNN.COM.

GIVE US YOUR NEW CNN SLOGANS.YOUR NEW IDEAS. GIVE THEM A FULL

GRAPHIC TREATMENT. PHOTOSHOPTHE AMAZING TECHNOLOGY

YOU'D LIKE TO SEE THE NEW CNNUSELESSLY INCORPORATE.

LET'S BUY CNN DOT COM, YOU'VEALREADY DONE THE EASY PART BY

PLEDGING US YOUR MONEY.

NOW DO THE HARD PART, PROGRAMTHIS [BLEEPED] THING.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

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