American Horrible Story

  • Aired:  12/10/13
  •  | Views: 335,502

American students fall behind a bunch of Slovakian fart exporters, and Congress clocks in as the least productive legislative body in American history. (4:46)

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]>> Jon: WELCOME TO "THE DAILY

SHOW". MY NAME IS JONSTEWART. [CHEERS AND

APPLAUSE] OUR GUESTTONIGHT AMY ADAMS FROM

THE MOVIE "AMERICAN HUSTLE" BUTWHAT BE THIS DEVIL'S STICK?

[LAUGHTER]WHAT SORT OF WITCHCRAFT?

[LAUGHTER]QUESTION FOR THE AUDIENCE

TONIGHT.

WHAT DO YOU DO WITH THAT THING?

THAT THING IN YOUR HAND THERE?

WHAT DO YOU DO WITH THAT?

WE BEGIN TONIGHT WITH AMERICANEXCEPTIONALISM THERE ARE MANY

REASONS THAT THIS NATION ISGREAT STARIEST STRIPEIEST FLAG,

THE MOST LOCO TACOS AND THE BESTOPRAH ON EARTH.

SERIOUSLY.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]CANADA'S OPRAH, SHE AIN'T

(bleep).

[ LAUGHTER ] CANADA'S OPRAH DOESN'T EVEN

HAVE A SHOW.

SHE'S JUST SOME LADY WHO LIVESIN CANADA AND IS NAMED OPRAH AND

LOOKS IDENTICAL TO OUR OPRAH.

WHAT A SURPRISE.

[ LAUGHTER ]RECENTLY AMERICA'S GREATNESS HAS

COME INTO QUESTION.

>> U.S. HIGH SCHOOL STUDENTSGETTING A BAD GRADE FROM A NEW

REPORT THAT MEASURES PROFICIENCYIN READING MATH AND SCIENCE

AMONG 65 COUNTRIES.

THE U.S. WAS 36th BEHIND THESLOVAK REPUBLIC.

>> Jon: OH!

I ALWAYS FEEL BAD FOR WHATEVERCOUNTRY IS JUST ABOVE AMERICA ON

THESE LISTS.

[LAUGHTER]BECAUSE INVARIABLY THAT COUNTRY

IS USED AS A STANDARD FOR JUSTHOW FAR WE HAVE FALLEN AS A

PEOPLE.

36, BENEATH THE SLOVAK REPUBLIC.

I MEAN, THOSE (bleep) PEOPLEEAT THEIR OWN VOMIT.

[ LAUGHTER ]PRETTY SURE THEIR PRESIDENT IS A

COW.

[ LAUGHTER ]THE MAIN EXPORT IS FARTS.

[ LAUGHTER ]FARTS --

[LAUGHTER]-- THAT THEY EXPORT IN CRATES

WHICH IS I THINK THE WORST WAYTO EXPORT FARTS, I WOULD THINK.

YOU WOULD WANT SOMETHING MORE,MORE AIR-TIGHT.

A CRATE YOU PACK THE FARTS, YOUDO YOUR JOB BY THE TIME IT GETS

TO WHERE IT'S GOING IT'S --[LAUGHTER]

-- JUST A BOX OF AIR.

[ LAUGHTER ]SO HOW BAD ARE WE DOING?

>> IT'S RANKING HAS DROPPED INALL THREE SUBJECTS NOW PLACING

26th IN MATH, 21ST IN SCIENCEAND 17th IN READING.

[LAUGHTER]>> Jon: OH, MY GOD WE'RE IN

TWENTY-FIRTH PLACE.

[ LAUGHTER ]WHY WOULD YOU LEAVE THAT THERE?

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]A, THEY STOLE THE TITLE OF MY

SELF PUBLISHED COLIN FIRTHCLONING FAN FICTION.

[LAUGHTER]AND B, THAT IS THE BEST

UNINTENTIONAL ILLUSTRATION OFOUR COUNTRY'S EDUCATIONAL

PLIGHT.

BUT THOSE STATISTICS ONLYPORTEND OUR DYSTOPIC FUTURE.

ANYTHING ON THE DYSTOPICPRESENT?

>> SO FAR IF YOU CAN BELIEVE ITONLY 55 BILLS SIGNED INTO LAW

THIS YEAR.

THAT MAKES THIS THE LEASTPRODUCTIVE CONGRESS EVER.

>> ONE OF LEAST PRODUCTIVE ONRECORD.

>> THE LEAST PRODUCTIVE CONGRESSIN AMERICAN HISTORY.

>> Jon: THAT'S SAYINGSOMETHING.

THAT INCLUDES THE FAMED ABSINTHECONGRESS OF 1872 WHEN EVERYBODY

JUST ROLLED AROUND ON THE FLOORGOING WHY ARE THERE LIZARDS

EVERYWHERE?

[LAUGHTER]NEXT YEAR WE GO BACK TO

EGG NOG.

THERE HAS TOBE PRESSING ISSUES

CONGRESS SHOULD STILL ADDRESS.

AND WHILE YOU ANSWER THAT,I'LL ENJOY A GLASS OF MILK.

>> CONFIRMING A FED CHAIR.

>> >> LONG-TERM UNEMPLOYMENTBENEFITS.

>> AMERICAN FAMILIES COULD SEEMILK PRICES SPIKE TO $7 A

GALLON IF CONGRESS CAN'T PASS AFARM BILL BY THE END OF THE

YEAR.

>> Jon: OH, NO.

MY PRECIOUS WHITE GOLD.

NOOO!

OOH, AHH.

SAVE YOU FOR A RAINY DAY.

[ LAUGHTER ]YOU KNOW THE BEST PART OF THIS

BIT IS -- I DON'T HAVE TO CLEANUP AFTER THE SHOW.

IT'S TERRIBLE.

[LAUGHTER]IT'S MAGIC.

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