Zero Dark Foodie

  • Aired:  07/16/14
  •  | Views: 42,292

An informant agrees to share details about the scandalous conditions at the CIA's cafeteria, but his cover is blown a little too easily. (5:19)

>> Jon: WELCOME BACK.

YOU KNOW, FAR LONG TIME NOW, WEFOUND OUT OUR INTELLIGENCE

AGENCIES HAVE SPIED ON US,TAPPING OUR PHONES, SEARCHING

OUR E-MAIL, WATCHING US WHILE WEBATHE.

YES, WHILE WE BATHE!

WELL, GUESS WHAT, IT'S PAYBACKTIME.

>> WE'RE LEARNING ABOUT TROUBLEAT THE CENTRAL INTELLIGENCE

AGENCY.

>> THANKS TO THE FREEDOM OFINFORMATION ACT, WE NOW HAVE

ACCESS TO ALL KINDS OFINFORMATION THAT OTHERWISE WE

PROBABLY NEVER WOULD HAVE SEENTHE LIGHT OF DAY.

[LAUGHTER]>> Jon: THAT'S WHAT I'M

TALKING ABOUT.

THE SPIERS HAVE BECOME THESPY-EES.

C.I.A., THIS IS GOING TO BEJUICY.

WHAT ARE WE GOING TO HEAR ABOUT,GERMAN ESPIONAGE, POISONING THE

RUSSIANS?

WHAT DO WE GOT?

>> THE WEB SITE MUCKROCK FILEDAN OFFICIAL GOVERNMENT REQUEST

TO SEE THE C.I.A. STAFFERS'COMMENTS ABOUT THE LUNCHROOM IN

LANGLEY, VIRGINIA.

[LAUGHTER]>> Jon: [BLEEPED].

YES, APPARENTLY CAFETERIACOMPLAINTS ARE WHAT WE FOUND

OUT.

APPARENTLY WHEN OUR INTELLIGENCEPROFESSIONALS AREN'T SENDING

DRONES AFTER TERRORISTS, THEY'RESENDING BITCHY E-MAILS ABOUT

THEIR LUNCH.

THE E-MAILS WERE EVERYTHING FROMPREFERRING INDIVIDUAL KETCHUP

PACKETS TO THE PUMP BOXES TOINADEQUATE ALMOND PORTIONS AT

THE BREAKFAST CEREAL BAR TO DIETPEPSI COMING OUT OF THE

REGULAR PEPSI SPOUT.

FASCINATING.

APPARENTLY AT THE C.I.A., EVENTHE SODAS GO UNDERCOVER AS OTHER

SODAS. ESPIONAGE.

NOW, WE ARE VERY FORTUNATETONIGHT.

WE HAVE A C.I.A. EMPLOYEE WHO ISREADY TO LEAK MORE INFORMATION

TO US ABOUT THIS SCANDAL.

OBVIOUSLY, ANYTHING REGARDINGTHIS C.I.A. HIGHLY SENSITIVE.

WE HAVE TAKEN GREAT PAINS TOCONCEAL HIS OR HER IDENTITY.

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR JOINING USTONIGHT, SIR OR MA'AM.

>> UH-HUH.

[LAUGHTER]>> Jon: IF YOU DON'T MIND,

COULD YOU READ US SOME MORE OFTHESE ACTUAL COMPLAINT E-MAILS

FROM THE C.I.A.

>> OKAY.

WELL, IF YOU MUST KNOW, I WASVERY AGGREVATED AT BUYING A

SUBWAY SANDWICH AND GOING BACKTO MY DESK TO EAT TO FIND THE

BREAD STALE AND CRUNCHY HARD.

I HAD TO EAT THE INSIDE ANDTHROW THE BREAD OUT.

>> Jon: I'M SORRY.

OBVIOUSLY WE APPRECIATE YOUTAKING THIS RISK, SIR.

ARE YOU SURE WE'RE DOING ENOUGHTO CONCEAL YOUR IDENTITY,

BECAUSE THIS IS...

>> WHAT?

MY FACE IS HIDDEN.

SILHOUETTE.

I COULD BE ANYBODY.

WHERE WAS I?

NOW, WHY DOESN'T THE BURGER KINGFACILITY HERE OFFER THE SAME

DOLLAR MENU AS THE OUTSIDEFACILITIES?

WHY CAN'T THERE BE NICER FOODHANDLERS?

I MEAN, WHAT IS THE DEAL WITHTHAT?

[LAUGHTER]>> Jon: NO, NOW ALRIGHT. NOT TO,

NOT TO HARP ON THIS POINT.

I AM CONCERNED, SIR.

YOUR VOICE IS SOMEWHATDISTINCTIVE, AND THAT LAST PART

THAT YOU JUST SAID SOUNDED A BITLIKE A CATCHPHRASE.

I DON'T EVEN THINK IT WAS IN THEE-MAIL.

>> DISTINCTIVE, NO, NORMALVOICE.

YOU CAN'T IDENTIFY SOMEONE JUSTBY THEIR VOICE.

WHY DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU CALLSOMEONE, YOU SAY HI, IT'S SO AND

SO.

OTHERWISE THEY'D HAVE NO IDEAWHO THEY WERE TALKING TO.

THE WORST IS WHEN SOMEONE CALLSAND SAY, "HEY, IT'S ME.

WHO'S ME?

I DON'T KNOW ANYMORE NAMED ME.

I'M ME. YOU'RE SOMEBODY ELSE."

>> Jon: NO, SEE THAT? THIS ALLSOUNDS VERY MUCH LIKE,

I DON'T --

>> NOT NOW!

>> GIDDY-UP.

>> Jon: LOOK I THINK I, I, SIR,YOUR COVER IS...

I THINK WE MAY HAVE SLIGHTLYCOMPROMISED YOUR COVER, SIR.

>> WHAT COVER? I'M COVERED.

COVER YOURSELF.

THE JAZZ SALAD WAS SUPPOSED TOBE A SONOMA GRAPE AND PROSCIUTTO

SALAD, SO I STAND IN LINE ANDNOTICE THERE ARE NO GRAPES.

GRAPES ARE IN THE TITLE OF THESALAD.

>> Jon: LOOK, I DON'T KNOW WHATA JAZZ SALAD IS.

>> IT'S LIKE A REGULAR SALAD BUTJAZZIER.

HOW MUCH CLEARER COULD THAT BE?

>> Jon: I THINK YOU'RE IN ALOT OF DANGER RIGHT NOW.

>> I'LL TELL YOU WHO IS INDANGER, THESE PEOPLE EATING

NOTHING BUT BURGER KING, SUBWAYAND SALADS FILLED WITH JAZZ.

I MEAN, WHO ARE...

>> Jon: THESE PEOPLE?

>> YES.

WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?

THEY'RE LOOKING FOR SOFTERSUBWAY BREAD.

THEY SHOULD BE LOOKING FOR ATREADMILL.

THEIR SPIES.

IF INCONSPICUOUS IS WHAT YOU'REGOING FOR, MAYBE WHEEZING IS NOT

THE BEST TACTIC.

>> YOU KNOW WHAT? I THINK WE'REOUT OF TIME.

WE REALLY APPRECIATE YOU COMINGBY, SIR.

AND, I KNOW YOU PUT YOURSELF INTREMENDOUS DANGER TO DO THIS.

AND IT'S THE TYPE OF THINGTHAT...

>> SHOULD I STAY BEHIND THETHING?

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]>> Jon: I DON'T THINK IT

MATTERS ANYMORE.

JUST GO.

I'LL BRING YOU OUT DURING THEGUEST SEGMENT.

IT'S FINE.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

IT'S FINE.

JUST GO.

Loading...