The Punanny State

  • Aired:  02/20/12
  •  | Views: 36,420

Congress convenes an all-male contraception panel in an effort to find balance between religious liberty and the realities of the secular world. (6:42)

COMEDY CENTRAL

>> Jon: WELCOME TO THE DAILY

SHOW.

MY NAME IS JON STEWART.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

GREAT SHOW FOR TONIGHT.

MY GUEST TONIGHT, ALAN HUFFMAN

AN HAS WRITTEN A BOOK ABOUT

THE DARK SIDE OF AMERICAN

POLITICS OR AS IT IS SOMETIMES

KNOWN, AMERICAN POLITICS.

LET'S BEGIN WITH THE BATTLE

BETWEEN RELIGIOUS LEADERS AND

THE OBAMA ADMINISTRATION OVER

CONTRACEPTION IN OUR ONGOING

COVERAGE OF THE NANNY STATE.

FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO HAVEN'T

BEEN FOLLOWING THE STORY, LET

ME BRING YOU UP TO SPEED.

YEARS AGO ADAM AND EVE LIVED

IN A GARDEN.

LET'S JUST SCROLL UP.

OKAY, OKAY.

MARTIN LUTHER NAILED 95

THESIS.

LET'S SCROLL UP.

OKAY.

HERE WE GO.

TWO WEEKS AGO THE OBAMA

ADMINISTRATION FOUND ITSELF AT

THE CENTER OF A CONTROVERSY

OVER ITS DECISIONS TO MAKE

RELIGIOUS AFFILIATED

INSTITUTIONS OR THEIR INSURERS

COVER CONTRACEPTION AS PART OF

THEIR GOVERNMENT-MANDATED

HEALTH CARE.

THE MOVE WAS SEEN BY SOME

RELIGIOUS LEADERS AS BAL'S

BIGGEST MISSTEP SINCE THE TIME

HE SET ASIDE A CHAIR FOR

ELIJAH WOOD AT THE PASSOVER

SEDER.

THERE ARE A COUPLE OF ORTHODOX

JEWS THAT REALLY GOT THAT.

EVERYONE ELSE DOES NOT

UNDERSTAND.

SO WE HAVE OURSELVES AN OLD-

FASHIONED LIBERTY STAND OFF.

ON THE ONE HAND THE CATHOLIC

CHURCH.

THEY DO NOT WANT TO BE FORCED

TO PAY MONEY FOR INSURANCE

PLANS FOR CONTRACEPTION FOR

EVEN THEIR NON-CATHOLIC

EMPLOYEES ALTHOUGH THEY DO PAY

THOSE EMPLOYEES MONEY.

THE ARGUMENT COULD BE PAID BY

PAYING CHURCH MONEY, IS USED

FOR ENTRANCE FEES TO CLUBS OR

CATS TO HAVE SEX WITH DOGS.

ACE STREET AND THIRD AVENUE.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

ON THE OTHER HAND, BIG

BUSINESS.

ON THE OTHER SIDE ARE WOMEN

WHO FOR SOME REASON WOULD LIKE

TO HAVE PREVENTIVE HEALTH CARE

COSTS PROVIDED BY THEIR HEALTH

CARE INSURANCE PROVIDER.

TOUGH CASE BECAUSE THE SIDES

ARE THE CATHOLICS AND WOMEN.

BOTH ARE INFALLIBLE.

AM I RIGHT?

SO LAST THURSDAY CONGRESSMAN

DARRELL ISSA CONVENED A PANEL

THAT SETTLED THE ISSUE.

WHILE NO LADIES WERE ACTUALLY

ALLOWED TO SPEAK UNTIL THE

AFTERNOON SESSION AND NO

LADIES ACTUALLY EVER SPOKE ON

BEHALF OF LADIES, SOME OF

THESE FELLOWS WERE WEARING

GOWNS.

SO THAT'S SOMETHING.

LET'S HEAR THE TONE THAT THE

SAUSAGEFEST STRUCK IN THIS

EFFORT TO FIND BALANCE BETWEEN

RELIGIOUS LIBERTY AND THE

REALITIES OF THE SECULAR

WORLD.

>> I DON'T NORMALLY QUOTE FROM

JOSEPH STALIN.

>> Jon: I'M GOING TO STOP YOU

RIGHT THERE.

WE'LL JUST MOVE ON TO THE NEXT

GUY IF THAT'S ALL RIGHT.

ANYONE HAVE A SLIGHTLY LESS

HYPERBOLIC TAKE ON THIS?

>> THE VIOLATION OF A PERSON'S

RELIGIOUS CONSCIENCE WAS

NOTHING LESS THAN THE RAPE OF

THE SOUL.

>> Jon: THAT'S A QUOTE FROM

ROGER WILLIAMS AND I BELIEVE

THE WORST LAW AND ORDER SPIN-OFF

YET.

LISTEN.

NO ONE LOVES THEIR=

PLAN, BUT SOUL RAPE?

YOU MAY NOT REALIZE THIS BUT

CATHOLIC CHURCH ALREADY OFFERS

HEALTH PLANS THAT COVER

VIAGRA.

A.K.A., FOUR-HOUR JOHNSON

JUICE.

I'M GUESSING THAT THAT DOESN'T

RAPE THE SOUL.

SOME OF YOUR EMPLOYEE IZ GUESS

ARE GETTING THAT SUBSIDIZED

VIE AGO A AND SOME OF THEM ARE

SINGLE UNMARRIED MEN.

WHAT DO YOU THINK THEY'RE

DOING WITH THEIR ERECTION?

SERIOUSLY WE'D LOVE TO KNOW.

SEND YOUR RESPONSES TO BRIAN

WILLIAMS CARE OF... (

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

SO HOW IS IT THAT... I CAN'T

WAIT TO FIND OUT.

HOW IS IT THAT WOMEN CAN'T GET

THEIR PILL BUT MEN CAN GET

THEIR PILL?

AS IT HAPPENS THE CHURCH

ANSWERED THAT VERY QUESTION 12

YEARS AGO.

>> VIE AGO A ACTUALLY ANSWERS

A MEDICAL PROBLEM.

CONTRACEPTION IS A CHOICE THAT

SOMEBODY MAY MAKE, BUT IT

DOESN'T ANSWER A PARTICULAR

HEALTH CARE NEED.

>> Jon: TWO THINGS, WHY ONE

DOES 12 YEARS AGO LOOK LIKE

THE '70s ON TELEVISION?

HAVE WE REALLY ADVANCED THAT

FAR IN 12 YEARS?

TWO, THE CATHOLIC CHURCH SAYS

A MAN IS IN NEED BUT NOT

GETTING PREGNANT IS MORE OF A

WANT.

BY THE WAY WHILE I WAS

SURPRISED THAT THE CATHOLIC

CHURCH IS PRO MEDICALLY

INDUCED BONERS I WAS MORE

SHOCKED AT THE AD IT RAN TO

SHOW ITS SUPPORT.

NOW, YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN THE

SPIRIT WILL MOVE YOU.Q,:ñM

ANYWAY, I DIGRESS.

I DON'T KNOW WHY THEY BOTH GET

TO WEAR THAT.

BACK TO HEARING.

WE'VE ALREADY HER FROM THE

STALIN AND RAPIST PEOPLE.

COULD SOMEONE PUT THIS IN

TERMS THAT ARE MORE

RELATEABLE.

>> FOR MY TESTIMONY TODAY, I

WOULD LIKE TO TELL A STORY.

LET'S CALL IT THE PARABLE OF

THE KOSHER DELI.

>> Jon: GO ON.

>> ONCE UPON A TIME A NEW LAW

WAS PROPOSED SO THAT ANY

BUSINESS THAT SERVES FOOD MUST

SERVE PORK.

CAN A CUSTOMER COME TO A

KOSHER DELI, DEMAND TO BE

SERVED A HAM SANDWICH, AND IF

REFUSED BRING DOWN SEVERE

GOVERNMENT SANCTION ON THE

DELI?

A NATION COMMITTED TO

RELIGIOUS LIBERTY AND

DIVERSITY, THE ANSWER IS NO.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

>> Jon: DO YOU GOT MY PEOPLE?

SO YOUR PAR ABLE ABOUT THE

KOSHER DELI, WHILE DELICIOUS,

MAKES NO (BEEP) SENSE.

NOBODY IS FORCING THE KOSHER

DELI OWNER TO SERVE A HAM.

IN THE METAPHOR IT'S MORE LIKE

THE OWNER OF THE KOSHER DELI

IS REFUSING TO PAY TAXES

BECAUSE HIS MONEY COULD GO TO

FOOD STAMPS WHICH SOMEONE

MIGHT THEORETICALLY USE TO BUY

HAM.

TO BE FAIR TO DARRELL ISSA AT

THE HEARINGS A WOMAN WAS PUT

FORTH TO SPEAK ON BEHALF OF

SOMEONE WHO NEEDED

CONTRACEPTION.

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