Indecision 2012 - Oh, the Hermanity!

Aired:  12/05/11 Views: 636,749

Pizza mogul and alleged lady fondler Herman Cain suspends his campaign, leaving Republicans up Newt creek without a paddle. (7:55)

Captioning sponsored by

COMEDY CENTRAL

>> Jon: WELCOME TO THE DAILY

SHOW.

MY NAME IS JON STEWART.

WE HAVE A GOOD ONE FOR YOU

TODAY.

WAR PHOTOGRAPHER BEN LOWY WILL

BE JOINING US TONIGHT.

WE HAVE A NICE ONE.

WAR PHOTOGRAPHER BEN LOWY WILL

BE JOINING US TONIGHT.

A COURAGEOUS AND FINE

INDIVIDUAL.

AND I AM NOT.

THAT WILL BE THE GENERAL

DYNAMIC FOR TONIGHT.

LET'S BEGIN TONIGHT WITH THE

BIG NEWS FROM THE WEEKEND.

ON SATURDAY PIZZA MOGUL AND

ALLEGED LADY FONDLER HERMAN

CAIN TOLD THE PRESS HE'D BE

MAKING A BIG ANNOUNCEMENT

ABOUT THE FATE OF HIS

CAMPAIGN.

CAIN IS A MAN WHO BELIEVES

IT'S APPROPRIATE TO REFER TO A

FORMER SATELLITE AS UZBEKISTAN-

STAN AND HAS NEVER MET A

QUESTION HE COULDN'T ANSWER

WITH 9-9-9.

I HOST A COMEDY PROGRAM AND

DON'T LIKE WORKING HARD.

SO WE BELONG TOGETHER.

WHEN I LOOK AT HIM I DON'T SEE

A PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE, I

SEE...

(LAUGHING) ALL RIGHT.

LET'S GET TO IT.

>> I WOULD ASK THAT YOU GIVE A

VERY ENTHUSIASTIC WELCOME TO

MY GOOD FRIEND AND

PROFESSIONAL DO-ER, MR. HERMAN

CAIN.

( APPLAUSE )

>> Jon: WHO DOES THAT?

THERE'S A HERMAN CAIN YOU

DON'T KNOW IF THEY PLANNED

THIS OR IF HE WAS LATE.

(BEEP) THEY JUST SAID MY NAME!

GAS IT.

SERIOUSLY WHO PLANS SOMETHING

LIKE THAT.

LIKE, HEY, I'VE GOT AN IDEA.

YOU INTRODUCE ME.

I WON'T BE THERE.

I'LL BE ON MY (BEEP) BUS.

I'M SURE THE CROWD IS LIKE,

THEY SAID HIS NAME AND THEN IN

THE GREAT DISTANCE WE HEARD

HIM ROAR.

THEN WE SAW IT.

HIS BUS.

>> AS OF TODAY WITH A LOT OF

PRAYER AND SOUL SEARCHING, I

AM SUSPENDING MY PRESIDENTIAL

CAMPAIGN.

(CROWD BOOING) (DAILY SHOW

CROWD CHEERING).

>> Jon: DID YOU HEAR HIS

CROWD?

HIS SUPPORTERS ARE LIKE, OH,

BOO.

OH, NO.

I MEAN THE GUY JUST WOWED YOU

WITH THAT WHOLE BUS STAGE

THING AND ALL YOU CAN MUSTER

IS LIKE, NO, DON'T.

QUIT.

HOW ABOUT A LITTLE EMOTION?

THESE ARE MY WRITERS WHEN THEY

FIRST FOUND OUT.

>> IT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN

THIS WAY.

>> OH, GOD.

OH, MAN.

>> (BEEP) (BEEP) (BEEP)

(BEEP).

>> Jon: THAT'S NOT ACTUALLY

HOW IT WAS.

NONE OF MY WRITERS ARE STRONG

ENOUGH TO LIFT A TELEVISION.

HERMAN CAIN SEEMED TO SENSE

THAT HIS SUPPORTERS NEEDED

SOMETHING TO LIFT THEIR

SPIRITS WHICH IS WHAT LED TO

HERMAN CAIN SAYING THE

GREATEST NINE WORDS EVER

SPOKEN BY AN AMERICAN

POLITICIAN.

>> I BELIEVE THESE WORDS CAME

FROM THE POKEMON MOVIE.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

>> Jon: GO ON.

>> LIFE CAN BE A CHALLENGE.

LIFE CAN SEEM IMPOSSIBLE.

IT'S NEVER EASY WHEN THERE'S

SO MUCH ON THE LINE.

>> Jon: I'M GOING TO MISS HIM

SO.

OF COURSE, MR. CAIN PERFORMED

THAT ALMOST AS WELL AS ITS

ORIGINAL PERFORMER DONNA

SUMMER.

♪ LIFE CAN BE A CHALLENGE ♪♪

♪ LIFE CAN SEEM IMPOSSIBLE ♪♪

♪ IT'S NEVER EASY WHEN SO MUCH

IS ON THE LINE ♪♪

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

>> Jon: THAT'S RIGHT.

HERMAN CAIN'S FAREWELL ADDRESS,

WORDS OF WISDOM TO HIS

FOLLOWERS AND SUPPORTERS, THE

FINAL MOMENTS OF HIS CAMPAIGN

ARE FROM THE CLOSING CREDITS

OF THE POKEMON MOVIE.

THE THING THEY PLAY TO GET YOU

THE (BEEP) OUT OF THE THEATER.

IF I MAY QUOTE FROM TITANIC:

NEAR.

FAR.

WHEREVER YOU ARE.

MY HEART WILL GO ON.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

YOU KNOW, THIS GUY... FIRST OF

ALL

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

... I CAN'T EVEN.

FIRST OF ALL IT'S NOT EVEN THE

MOST INSPIRATIONAL QUOTE FROM

THE POKEMON MOVIE.

MEWTWO:.

>> I SEE THAT THE THE

CIRCUMSTANCES OF ONE'S BIRTH

ARE IRRELEVANT.

IT IS WHAT YOU DO WITH THE

GIFT OF LIFE THAT DETERMINES

WHO YOU ARE.

>> Jon: WELL SAID MAGIC

JAPANESE CAT MONSTER WHO WAS

CREATED AS THE RESULT OF A

GENETIC EXPERIMENT AND

THEREFORE HAS PSYCHIC POWERS.

WELL SAID.

OF COURSE, CONSIDERING WHAT

LED CAIN TO DROP OUT OF THE

RACE, THIS IS THE POKEMON 2000

LINE HE REALLY SHOULD HAVE

QUOTED.

>> I COULD USE PANTS.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

>> Jon: TO BE FAIR TO HERMAN

CAIN, WE CAN'T ALL BE AS WISE

AS SLOWKING WHEN HE'S WEARING

THE SHELLDER OF KNOWLEDGE.

LOOK IT UP.

SHELLDER OF KNOWLEDGE.

WHERE IS DOES THAT LEAVE THE

REPUBLICAN PARTY?

YOU WON'T BELIEVE IT.

>> I'M GOING TO BE THE

NOMINEE.

I MEAN IT'S VERY HARD NOT TO

LOOK AT THE RECENT POLLS AND

THINK THAT THE ODDS ARE VERY

HIGH I'M GOING TO BE THE

NOMINEE.

>> Jon: WHAT?

WHAT IS SO CRAZY?

REPUBLICANES ARE UP NEWT CREEK

WITHOUT A PADDLE.

WHY WILL NEWT BE THE NOMINEE?

>> THOSE GUYS WERE THE NEW KID

ON THE BLOCK AND ISN'T THIS

WONDERFUL AND BOY IT WOULD BE

GREAT IF IT WORKED OUT AND WE

DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT

THEM.

I'M THE GUY WHO HAS BEEN

AROUND FOREVER.

>> Jon: THAT'S NEWT GINGRICH'S

PITCH.

I'M THE THING THAT HAS BEEN IN

YOUR PANTRY FOREVER.

YOU COULD TRY YOUR NEW FANGLED

POP TARTS AND YOUR EGGO

WAFFLES BUT IF YOU LOOK WAY

BACK IN THERE, THERE'S A CAN

OF LaCHOY BABY CORN, A PRODUCT

THAT MAY OR MAY NOT STILL BE

OFFERED BY THE LaCHOY COMPANY.

YOU DON'T REMEMBER BUYING IT

YET YOU DON'T REMEMBER EVER

BEING WITHOUT IT.

AND NOW, YOU HAVE NO CHOICE

BUT TO ELECT IT PRESIDENT.

I'M NEWT GINGRICH AND I

APPROVE THIS MESSAGE.

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