The Covert Report - Agent Klepper

  • Aired:  03/12/14
  •  | Views: 36,494

Senior Intelligence Correspondent Jordan Klepper attempts to cast the CIA in a positive light, though his motives for doing so are dubious. (3:22)

FOR MORE WE TURN TO OUR SENIORINTELLIGENCE CORRESPONDENT

JORDAN KLEPPER.JORDAN KLEPPER, THANKS FOR

JOINING US. JORDAN, IT LOOKS TOME LIKE CONGRESS IS --

>> LET ME STOP YOU THERE, JON.CONGRESS IS WRONG, JON.

THE SUGGESTION THAT ANYONEAFFILIATED WITH THE C.I.A. WOULD

INFILTRATE AN ORGANIZATION ANDDESTROY EVIDENCE IS FRANKLY

OFFENSIVE.

>> Jon: BUT JORDAN, THE CIASTORY KEEPS CHANGING

THEY TRIED TO THROW A POORIT GUY UNDER THE BUS.

>> THEY STOPPED ASSASSINATION BYBUS THROWING YEARS AGO.

TODAY'S C.I.A. IS A COMPLETELYPROFESSIONAL AND LEGALLY

RESTRAINED ORGANIZATION WITHGENEROUS MEDICAL AND DENTAL

BENEFITS.

>> Jon: WHOA, WHOA.

THAT LAST ONE WAS WEIRD, JORDAN.

OUT OF CURIOSITY, WHAT WERE YOUDOING AGAIN

BEFORE WE HIRED YOU TWO WEEKSAGO?

>> WHAT WAS I DOING? COMEDY.DEFINITELY COMEDY.

I WAS KILLING AUDIENCES, NOTFOREIGN OFFICIALS.

I WAS KILLING WITH JOKES, JON.

>> Jon: WHERE, WHERE WERE YOUKILLING WITH JOKES?

>> DUBAI YUCK YUCKS, BANGKOK,COMEDY CLUB IN POLAND I CAN'T

TALK ABOUT.

>> Jon: YOU ARE IN THE (bleep)C.I.A. YOU'RE C.I.A.!

>> THE BAGEL'S BEEN BUTTERED.I REPEAT WE HAVE A BUTTEREDBAGEL.

ABORT.

FALL BACK.

>> Jon: JORDAN WE HIRED TO YOUREPORT ON INTELLIGENCE MATTERS.

NOW MAYBE THERE'S A CONFLICTHERE BUT WE DO NEED TO KNOW THE

GREAT LENGTHS THAT THECI GOES -- C.I.A. GOES

TO NOBLY PROTECT AND DEFEND THISCOUNTRY -- HANG ON WHAT DID I

JUST SAY? NOBLY PROTECT ANDDEFEND THIS COUNTRY FROM ITS

ENEMIES C.I.A. EQUALS GOOD.

SINCE WHEN DO WE USE CUE CARDS?

WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?

SINCE WHEN DO WE USE --[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I HAVE NEVER SEEN THAT BEFORE.

>> JON, WE ALWAYS USE CUE CARDS,JON.

>> Jon: JORDAN, WHAT ARE THEHELL ARE YOU DOING?

>> JORDAN, NO, NO, I'M RONNIECILANTRO, OKAY?

I'VE BEEN DOING CUE CARDS FORTHE JON DAILY SHOW FOR YEARS.

WHILST MANICURING MY VERY REALMUSTACHE.

>> Jon: I APOLOGIZE, MR.CILANTRO. I DIDN'T REALIZE.

I DIDN'T RECOGNIZE YOU.

THIS IS RIDICULOUS.

IT'S PART OF THE SAME PATTERN.

OUR SPIES SAY THEY ARE NOT DOINGSOMETHING WHEN THEY CLEARLY ARE.

YOU KNOW WHAT THIS IS THE ONEYEAR ANNIVERSARY OF?

NATIONAL INTELLIGENCE DIRECTORCLAPPER FLATOUT LYING TO

CONGRESS.

ROLE THE TAPE.

♪ -- ROLL THE TAPE.

[LAUGHTER]WHAT THE HELL, THAT IS NOTTHE TAPE.

WHAT HAPPENED TO THE VIDEO TAPETHAT WE HAD ABOUT THE -- JESUS!

>> YOU ARE --[LAUGHTER]

>> YOU ARE LOOKING FOR THATVIDEO TAPE?

WE MAY NEVER KNOW.

>> Jon: YOU ARE REALLYFREAKING ME OUT.

>> YOU KNOW WHAT, JON?

>> Jon: WHAT?

>> I WAS NEVER EVEN HERE.

>> Jon: ALL RIGHT.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY THAT?

>> I MEAN, READ THE CUE CARDS,JON.

>> Jon: LET ME JUST READ --HOW DID YOU GET OVER THERE?

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]JORDAN KLEPPER, EVERYBODY.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

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