October 30, 2014 - Spoon

  • Episode: 20016 | 
  • Views: 37,955

Texas Democrats are in denial about the blueness of their state, Samantha Bee investigates what makes Austin weird, and Spoon performs from their album "They Want My Soul." 

>> Jon: WELCOME. THANK YOU VERYMUCH!

WELCOME TO "THE DAILY SHOW."

MY NAME IS JON STEWART.

OUR FINAL SHOW HERE IN AUSTIN,TEXAS.

WE'VE HAD AN INCREDIBLE TIME.

WE'RE GOING TO FINISH OFF BIG.

HOMETOWN FAVORITE BAND, SPOON,GOING TO BE JOINING US.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)SO WE'VE BEEN DOWN HERE SINCE

LAST WEEKEND. IT'S BEENAMAZING, MAKING SHOWS DURING THE

DAY, AND THEN AT NIGHT WE'VE

BEEN RUNNING A TEX-MEXMUSTACHE-ERY.

(LAUGHTER)I KNOW THOSE ARE A DIME A DOZEN

AROUND HERE.

(LAUGHTER)THIS IS, I'VE GOT TO TELL YOU,

THIS TOWN IS BLOWING MY MIND.

I WALKED TO WORK TODAY.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)YOU KNOW WHAT, THIS IS

INTERESTING. YOU KNOW WHATPEOPLE DID TO ME AS I WAS ON

MY WAY HERE THIS MORNING?THEY SMILED.

(LAUGHTER)AND THEY SAID, GOOD MORNING.

(LAUGHTER)AND, BY THE WAY, NOT JUST TO ME,

BUT TO, LIKE, EVERYBODY ON THESTREET.

(LAUGHTER)AND I GUESS MY THOUGHT WAS, WHAT

THE (BLEEP) WAS THAT?

(LAUGHTER)(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

LAST NIGHT, AARON FRANKLIN, LASTNIGHT A YOUNG MAN NAMED

AARON FRANKLIN, FRANKLIN BBQ. HECAME HERE,

HE CATERED US A DINNER.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)AND I DIDN'T WANT TO BELIEVE THE

HYPE BUT LIKE, YOU GOT TOHAVE FRANKLIN, MAN, FRANKLIN'S

THE BEST, IT'S THE BEST. AND IWAS LIKE, EH I DON'T BUY THAT.

BUT I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHING, I'MMORE BRISKET THAN MAN NOW.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

ALTHOUGH, INTERESTING, EVENTHOUGH IT WAS A CATERED

DINNER HE STILL MADE US WAITIN LINE FOR FIVE HOURS.

(LAUGHTER)BUT IT WAS WORTH IT AND MY POINT

IS THIS -- I'M NOT LEAVING!

I'M JUST GONNA, CHAINED TO THEDESK HERE.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)BUT I GOT TO TELL YOU, AS MUCH

AS PEOPLE HAVE BEEN TELLING ME,OH, YOU HAVE TO TRY THIS PLACE,

THEIR TACOS ARE THE BEST, ORHAVE YOU

EVER BEEN ATTACKED BYTHOUSANDS OF BATS?

YOU'VE GOT TO DO IT HERE INAUSTIN.

YOU KNOW, OUR UNDERBRIDGE ATTACKBATS ARE THE BEST ATTACK BATS

YOU'VE EVER SEEN.

AS MUCH AS THAT PANNED OUTTHERE'S ONE REFRAIN THAT I'VE

HEARD WHILE I'VE BEEN HERE THATSTILL FEELS LIKE A

LITTLE BIT OF HYPERBOLE.

>> DEMOCRATS SALIVATING AT THETHOUGHT OF BEING ABLE TO FLIP

TEXAS, SOLID RED, TO ONE DAY INTHE NEAR FUTURE A BLUE STATE.

>> I ACTUALLY THOUGHT TEXAS WASGOING TO BE BLUE IN 2012.

>> Jon: REALLY! TEXAS IS GOINGBLUE?

LISTEN TO ME, TEXAS HAS BEEN ACONSERVATIVE STATE SINCE

DINOSAURS ROAMED IT 6,000 YEARSAGO.

(APPLAUSE)AT LEAST, THAT DATE'S ACCORDING

TO THE STATE'S HIGHSCHOOL TEXTBOOKS.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)I MEAN, IF TEXAS IS RIPE FOR A

BLUE OVER, IF TEXAS IS RIPE TOTURN BLUE,

HOW DOES REPUBLICAN CANDIDATEFOR GOVERNOR GREG ABBOTT CARRY

A 20-POINT LEAD AGAINST WENDYDAVIS IN THE LATEST POLLS?

20 POINTS. 20 POINTS. I ASSUME,I ASSUME THAT THAT POPULARITY

COMES FROM ABBOTT MAYBE STARTINGTO SELL HIMSELF TO BLUE-LEANING

TEXAS VOTERS AS ANENLIGHTENING CENTRIST.

HE SUED THE OBAMA ADMINISTRATION30 TIMES.

>> ABBOTT HAD OPINED THATDEMOCRATS POSED A GREATER

THREAT TO TEXASTHAN NORTH KOREA.

>> ABBOTT POSTED AN AD ONHIS FACEBOOK PAGE THAT SHOWS A

GUN AND BIBLE AND READS, TWOTHINGS EVERY AMERICAN

SHOULD KNOW HOW TO USE, NEITHEROF WHICH ARE TAUGHT IN SCHOOLS.

>> Jon: AND THAT'S WHY, THAT'SWHY GREG ABBOTT IS OPENING HIS

HOWDY JESUS, BANG! BANG! BIBLEACADEMY!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)ISN'T IT TIME -- FIGHTING MAGI

ISN'T IT YOUR KIDS'

TEACHERS ASK THE QUESTION, WHATWOULD JESUS SHOOT?

(LAUGHTER)SO TEXAS IS NOT QUITE READY FOR

A BLUE GOVERNOR -- OR A MODERATEGOVERNOR OR ANYONE WHO EVEN A

DECADE AGO WOULD BE CONSIDERED AMAINSTREAM REPUBLICAN, IS THERE

ANYONE UP FOR STATEWIDE OFFICEWHO'S TOO FAR RIGHT FOR A TEXAS

THAT MIGHT BE TURNING BLUE?

HOW ABOUT THE LIEUTENANTGOVERNOR'S RACE?

>> SENATOR DAN PATRICKPROUDLY ADMITS HE IS A CHRISTIAN

CONSERVATIVE AND EVEN WALKED OFFTHE SENATE FLOOR DURING A MUSLIM

PRAYER.

>> GUNS ON CAMPUSES. ENDING THEPOPULAR ELECTION OF US SENATORS.

AND OUTLAWING ALL ABORTION EVENIN THE CASE OF RAPE.

(BOOING)>> Jon: LET ME TELL YOU

SOMETHING, YOU COULDN'T BEREDDER THAN THAT GUY IF YOU

TOOK CLIFFORD THE BIG REDDOG AND SHOVED IT INTO

THE DEVIL'S RECTUM.

THAT'S AS RED AS RED CAN RED!(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

I MEAN, HERE'S THE ONLY THINGI CAN SAY, I'M GLAD WE DIDN'T DO

THAT WHOLE PICTURE. I'M GLAD ITWAS JUST THE DOG.

(LAUGHTER)

I MEAN, IF THERE IS JUST EVEN AHINT OF TEAL IN THIS STATE, THAT

GUY'S GOT TO BE GOING DOWN.

>> NUMBERS RELEASED TODAY SHOWCOMMANDING LEADS FOR REPUBLICANS

CANDIDATES STATEWIDE.

DAN PATRICK CAME OUT WITH A17-POINT LEAD OVER DEMOCRAT

LETICIA VAN DE PUTTE.

>> Jon: 17-POINT LEAD!

IS HE RUNNING AGAINST A DEMOCRATOR A JAR OF SALSA FROM NEW YORK

CITY! MAYBE THE BLUENESS, MAYBETHE BLUENESS --

(LAUGHTER)MAYBE THE BLUE IS STARTING ON A

MORE OF THE LOCAL LEVEL,

THE CONGRESSIONALREPRESENTATIVES.

>> AND YOU KNOW, I'VE HAD PEOPLESAY, HEY, THERE'S NOTHING WRONG

WITH, YOU KNOW, GAYSIN THE MILITARY.

LOOK AT THE GREEKS.

WELL, YOU KNOW, THEY DID HAVEPEOPLE COME ALONG WHO THEY LOVED

THAT WAS THE SAME SEX AND WOULDGIVE THEM MASSAGES BEFORE THEY

WENT INTO BATTLE.

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT, IT'S ADIFFERENT KIND OF FIGHTING, IT'S

A DIFFERENT KIND OF WAR AND IFYOU'RE SITTING AROUND GETTING

MASSAGES ALL DAY, THEN YOU'RENOT GOING TO LAST VERY LONG.

(LAUGHTER)>> Jon: YOU KNOW GAYS AND

THEIR MASSAGES.

(LAUGHTER)IT WAS OKAY IN THE OLD DAYS WHEN

WARS HAD HAPPY ENDINGS, RIGHT?

(LAUGHTER)WOW!

I FEEL LIKE, THAT GUY ISACTUALLY TRYING TO TURN TEXAS

DIP (BLEEP).

AND THAT'S JUST THE TIP OF THERED-BURG.

>> THE GOVERNMENT SPOOKS AREDRUNK ON POWER.

>> DOING WHAT DEMOCRACY SAYSYOU WILL NOT DO.

>> THE HUBRIS AND ARROGANCE OFGOVERNMENT SOCIAL ENGINEERING.

>> EUROPEAN STYLE SOCIALISM.

>> SOCIALISM IN IT'S PURESTFORM.

>> WHERE'S THE CONSTITUTION?>> IS THIS STILL AMERICA?

>> THE PRESIDENT DESERVES TO BEIMPEACHED PLAIN AND SIMPLE.

>> BOY I TELL YOU, I HATETO SEE A DICTATORSHIP COME INTO

THIS COUNTRY BUT IT SURE LOOKSLIKE THAT'S WHAT'S HAPPENING.

>> Jon: WOW, THAT GUY SEEMSAWFUL FOLKSY ABOUT DICTATORSHIP

SHOWING UP ON AMERICAN SOIL!

SHUCKS! I HATE TO, YOU KNOW,SEE US GETTING READY TO

THROW FOLKS INTO BOX CARS AND

SEND THEM OFF TO LABOR CAMPS,BUT...

(LAUGHTER)SHOOT!

I RECKON THAT'S WHAT'SHAPPENING.

(LAUGHTER)HEY!

MRS. JOHNSON, DO I SMELL PIE?

IS THAT YOUR RHUBARB PIE?

I SURE WOULD LIKE A SLICE!

WHILE WE'RE ALL STILL FREE!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)YES!

EVEN IN THE FACE OF ALL THAT,DEMOCRATS SOMEHOW THINK THEY

HAVE A CHANCE TOTAKE THIS STATE.

>> THE ONE THING DEMOCRATS HAVEWORKING IN THEIR FAVOR NOW IS

DEMOGRAPHICS.

>> IN THE NEXT SIX YEARS,HISPANICS ARE EXPECTED TO BE 42%

NECK AND NECK WITH THE CAUCASIANWHITE POPULATION IN TEXAS.

>> YOU WILL BE ANNOUNCING THATWE'RE CALLING THE 38 ELECTORAL

VOTES OF TEXAS FOR THEDEMOCRATIC NOMINEE FOR

PRESIDENT.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)>> Jon: YOU POOR BASTARDS.

(LAUGHTER)DEMOCRATS IN TEXAS ARE LIKE THAT

DRUNK GUY AT THE BARWHO WON'T STOP HITTING

ON A GIRL, EVEN THOUGH HE KNOWSSHE'S A LESBIAN.

(LAUGHTER)NO, NO DUDE, TRUST ME!

I CAN FLIP HER!

I JUST NEED TIME!

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Jon: YOU KNOW, FROM WHATWE'VE SEEN IN OUR WEEK HERE.

AUSTINITES, YOU KNOW, THEY'REKEEPING IT -- OH, I DON'T EVEN

KNOW WHAT THE PHRASE IS --WEIRD?

(AUDIENCE REACTS)WEIRD, THAT'S IT.

BUT I'VE GOT TO TELL YOU,THERE IS

ONE THING ABOUT AUSTIN THAT WEFOUND TRULY BIZARRE.

SAMANTHA BEE REPORTS.

>> IF THERE'S ONE THING PEOPLEKNOW ABOUT AUSTIN, TEXAS, IT'S

WEIRD!

HOW DOES AUSTIN KEEP IT WEIRD?

>> OH, THEY HAVE A LOT OF REALLYCRAZY, KOOKY PEOPLE HERE.

>> OKAY.

LAST WEEK I SAW A GUY WITHA -- LIKE A BORE RAT KIND OF

THING JUST RIDING A BICYCLE.>> OKAY.

>> I WAS WALKING DOWN SIXTHSTREET ON LIKE A SATURDAY NIGHT

AND THERE WAS A WOMANABOUT NO TOP ON.

>> WHAT'S SO WEIRD ABOUT AUSTIN?

YES, AUSTIN IS KNOWN AS THEFREE-THINKING, LEFT LEANING,

DISTINCTLY LIBERAL BLUEBERRY INTHE TOMATO SOUP OF TEXAS.

I COULD ONLY IMAGINE WHAT THEIRMEMBERS OF CONGRESS LOOK LIKE.

>> WHO'S YOUR CONGRESSIONALREPRESENTATIVE?

>> IT IS ROGER WILLIAMS.

ROGER WILLIAMS!

OH, MY GOD!

HE SOUNDS AMAZING!

WHAT DOES HE LOOK LIKE? IS HEJUST COVERED IN TATTOOS,

HE'S GOT, OH MY GOD, HE'SGOT LIKE THOSE PIERCINGS AND HE

SELLS DREAM CATCHERS AND -->> THAT'S NOT ROGER WILLIAMS AT

ALL.

>> HE PROBABLY HAS A DAUGHTERNAMED SUNBEAM OR WHATEVER.

AND HE TURNED HIS NAVEL INTOA STASH POCKET?

>> NO, NOT AT ALL.

>> HE'S AN OLD WHITE GUY.

HE'S A REPUBLICAN.

SO THERE YOU GO. THERE'S THAT.

>> WE HAVE FIVE REPUBLICANS THATREPRESENT AUSTIN IN CONGRESS.

>> FIVE REPUBLICANS REPRESENTAUSTIN IN CONGRESS OUT OF HOW

MANY?

>> OUT OF SIX.

OKAY, THERE GOES MY PROGRESSIVELADY BONER.

I'M TOTALLY FLACID NOW.

THEY'RE ONLY REPUBLICAN LIKEIRONICALLY, THOUGH, RIGHT?

>> NO, THEY LEGITIMATELY HAVETHE R IN FRONT AND THEY EMBODY

THAT R.

>> IN A CITY SO LIBERAL THAT THEONLY RIGHT-LEANING MAYORAL

CANDIDATE APPARENTLY RAN ON ABET, SOMEHOW FIVE OF SIX

CONGRESSIONAL REPRESENTATIVESARE STAUNCHLY REPUBLICAN.

MICHAEL MCCAUL VOTED TO DEFUNDPLANNED PARENTHOOD,

LAMAR SMITH CALLED THEDREAM ACT A NIGHTMARE.

ROGER WILLIAMS SAYS PRESIDENTOBAMA IS A SOCIALIST.

THIS GUY CO-SPONSORED THEBIRTHER BILL.

EVEN THE LONE DEMOCRAT LOOKSLIKE HE COULD FIRE YOUR FATHER.

IF ONLY THERE WERE AN EXPERT TOEXPLAIN EXACTLY HOW THIS

HAPPENED.

>> REDISTRICTING ORGERRYMANDERING IS WHEN THEY

REDRAW THE VOTING MAPS INORDER TO ENSURE A CONSTITUENCY

THAT WILL BRING THEM BACK TOOFFICE. IT'S SOMETHING THAT

POLITICIANS DO TO MANIPULATE THEVOTING PROCESS.

>> OH, THAT'S VERY GOOD.

THAT'S VERY GOOD.

WOULD YOU LIKE A CRICKET?

THE REPUBLICAN-DRAWN MAPS WORKSSO HARD TO BREAK UP AUSTIN INTO

CONSERVATIVE FRIENDLY DISTRICTSTHAT THE 10th EXTENDS TO HOUSTON

WHILE THE 25th REACHES DALLAS214 MILES AWAY.

IN FACT, AUSTIN IS THE LARGESTCITY IN THE COUNTRY WITHOUT AN

ANCHOR DISTRICT.

AND THEN IT DAWNED ON ME, WHATMAKES AUSTIN WEIRD ISN'T THE TOP

HATS AND PENNY FARTHING BIKES,IT'S SOMETHING EVEN WEIRDER.

OH, MY GOD!

YOU AUSTINITES -- THAT'S WHAT'SSO WEIRD ABOUT AUSTIN, OKAY?

YOU SEEM TO BE SO PROGRESSIVEBUT THE VAST MAJORITY OF YOUR

CONGRESSIONAL REPRESENTATIVESARE STAUNCH REPUBLICANS.

YOU ALMOST HAD ME FOOLED INTOTHINKING IT'S TOTALLY

PROGRESSIVE HERE.

BUT IT'S -- I'M NEVER GOING TOBE COOL!

OH MY GOD, YOU GOT ME. YOU GUYSARE SO COOL!

YOU GUYS ARE SO COUNTERCULTURE!

I CAN'T EVEN KEEP UP.

>> THAT IS PRETTY WEIRD BUT NOTWEIRD IN THE WAY THAT I LIKE.

>> YES, EXACTLY!

REDISTRICTING WON'T TAKE PLACEHERE FOR ANOTHER EIGHT YEARS.

SO UNTIL THEN, AUSTINITES ARE(BLEEP) WITH REPRESENTATION THAT

DOESN'T REPRESENT THEM.

OH MY GOT, AUSTIN, KEEPING ITRED.

THAT LOOKS JUST LIKE DISTRICT21!

>> Jon: SAMANTHA, WE'LL BERIGHT BACK!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)>> Jon: WELCOME BACK.

MY GUESTS TONIGHT --THEY GOT THEIR START HERE IN

AUSTIN 20 YEARS AGO.

NOW TO PLAY THE SONG "INSIDEOUT" FROM THEIR NEW ALBUM, "THEY

WANT MY SOUL," PLEASE WELCOME TOTHE STAGE SPOON,

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)♪♪

♪♪♪ TIME'S GONE INSIDE OUT

♪ TIME GETS DISTORTED WITH♪ THIS INTENSE GRAVITY

♪ I DON'T GOT TIME FOR HOLYROLLERS

♪ BUT THEN THEY WASH MY FEET♪ AND I WON'T BE THEIR SOLDIER

♪ BUT THEN THEY WASH MY FEET♪ AND I WON'T BE THEIR SOLDIER

♪ THERE'S INTENSE GRAVITY♪ I'M JUST YOUR SATELLITE

♪ I'M JUST YOUR SATELLITE♪ OOH, AND I KNOW THAT TIME'S

GONE INSIDE OUT♪ AND NOW IT'S ONLY LIKE WE TOLD

YOU♪ HMMM... OH THEN THEY WASH MY

FEET♪ THEY DO NOT MAKE ME COMPLETE

FEET♪ THEY DO NOT MAKE ME COMPLETE

♪♪♪♪

♪♪♪♪

♪♪♪♪

♪♪♪♪

♪ BREAK OUT A CHARACTER FOR ME♪ TIME KEEPS GOING ON WHEN

♪ WE GOT NOTHING ELSE TO GIVE♪ WE GOT NOTHING ELSE TO GIVE

♪ OOH, 'CAUSE OUR TIME'S GONEINSIDE OUT

♪ I DON'T MAKE TIME FOR HOLYROLLERS

♪ HMMM... THERE'S ONLY YOU INEED

♪ THEY DO NOT MAKE ME COMPLETE♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)>> Jon: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

I JUST WANT TO THANK AUSTIN, THEENTIRE CITY, THE ZACH THEATER.

SPOON, YOU GUYS ARE AMAZING.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)THANK YOU SO MUCH.

I WANT TO THANK WHATEVER PROCESSIS USED TO SMOKE MEAT.

(CHEERING)I HONESTLY FEEL LIKE A SNAKE

THAT SWALLOWED AN ANIMAL WHOLE.

AND I MAY NOT EAT AGAIN FORWEEKS.

WOULD YOU GUYS MIND, WOULD YOUDO ANOTHER?

>> YEAH, WE COULD DO ONE MORE.

>> Jon: THAT WOULD BELOVELY.

THEIR NEW ALBUM "THEY WANTMY SOUL."

IT'S AVAILABLE NOW, PLAYING USOUT WITH "DO YOU."

ONCE AGAIN, AND THANK YOU GUYSSO MUCH.

>> THANK YOU.>> SPOON.

♪♪♪♪

♪ I WAS ON 45TH♪ I WAS HALF OUT OF A DIVE

♪ YEAH I KNEW THAT YOU SAW ME♪ YOU LAUGHED WHEN I LOOKED BACK

♪ I THOUGHT I'D GIVEN UP♪ NOW I DIDN'T FEEL SO BAD

♪ AND THEN A SHOCK WENT THROUGHME

♪ AND THEN I WALKED RIGHTBACK

♪ DO YOU WANT TO GET UNDERSTOOD♪ DO YOU WANT ONE THING OR ARE

YOU LOOKING FOR SAINTHOOD?

♪ DO YOU RUN WHEN IT'S JUSTGETTING GOOD?

♪ OR DO YOU, DO YOU, DO YOU, DOYOU --

♪♪♪♪

♪♪♪♪

♪ SOMEONE GET POPSICLES♪ SOMEONE DO SOMETHING 'BOUT

THIS HEAT♪ 'CAUSE IT'S LATE IN OCTOBER

♪ AND TAR'S STILL MELTING IN THESTREETS

♪ YOU TIP TOE FOR AGES AND LOSEYOURSELF

♪ FLIPPING BACK PAGES,UNBUCKLING BELTS

♪ OH LOVE, THAT'S THE WAY LOVECOMES

♪ DO YOU, DON'T YOU KNOW THATTHAT'S THE WAY LOVE COMES?

♪ DO YOU FEEL IT BLACK AND BLUE?

♪ OR DO YOU, DO YOU, DO YOU, DOYOU...

♪♪♪♪

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