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June 25, 2015 - Richard Lewis

  • Episode: 20126
  • Views: 247,776

Pope Francis upsets Republicans with his remarks on global warming, Bobby Jindal enters the presidential race, and comedian Richard Lewis discusses his show "Blunt Talk." (21:31)

>> Jon: WELCOME TO THE"THE DAILY SHOW."

MY NAME IS JON STEWART.

WE GOT A GOOD SHOW TONIGHT.

ONE OF OUR FAVORITE, ONE OF OURFAVORITES, BEEN WITH US FROM THE

BEGINNING OF THE PROGRAM, ALLTHE WAY THROUGH, A YOUNG RICHARD

LEWIS WILL BE JOINING US ON THEPROGRAM.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

SPEAKING OF RICHARD LEWSI, WHYDONT WE START THE SHOW WITH THE

OPPOSITE OF SAID RICHARD LEWIS.

THE POPE.

( LAUGHTER )

HE'S THE HEAD OF THE JEWISHCHURCH, POPE'S HEAD OF THE

CATHOLIC CHURCH.

THE VICAR OF CHRIST, NUMBER ONEON GOD'S SPEED DIAL.

1.2 BILLION WORSHIPERS HANGINGON THE POPE'S EVERY WORD, AND

GUESS WHAT, THE WORD JUST CAMEDOWN.

>> POPE FRANCIS ISSUED A NEARLY200-PAGE DOCUMENT, CASTING

CLIMATE CHANGE AS A MORAL ISSUE,NOT SIMPLY A POLITICAL OR

ECONOMIC DEBATE.

>> Jon: OH, BOY. OH, BOY.OH, BOY. OH, BOY!

A 200-PAGE--

( APPLAUSE )

200-PAGE ENCYCLICAL MORALTREATOISE CLIMATE CHANGE, AND

JUST IN TIME FOR BEACH SEASON!

( LAUGHTER )

WHAT A GREAT READ DOWN ATL.B.I., I HOPE IT'S IN THE

ORIGINAL LATIN.

THE POPE IS WEIGHING IN ON THESIDE OF TAKING ACTION AGAINST

CLIMATE CHANGE.

IT SEEMS A LITTLE ODD FOR THECATHOLIC CHURCH TO TAKE A

ENVIRONMENTAL STANCE -- ITHOUGHT BUDDHISM IS A RELIGION

OBSESSED WITH RECYCLING.

OH!

BOOM!

BOOM!

OH, SNAP!

NO, YOU DIDN'T!

OH, ( BLEEP ).

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

WHERE MY EIGHTFOLD PATH WALKERSAT!

THAT LINE DOESN'T USUALLY GET ATHE LOT OF ENTHUSIASM.

IT'S NOT TO SAY THE VATICAN ISBEING A POPEY-COME-LATELY TO

THIS.

THEY'VE RECOGNIZED CLIMATECHANGE FOR A LONG TIME.

>> THE VATICAN CLAIMS IT WASAMONG THE FIRST INSTITUTIONS TO

BELIEVE THAT GLOBAL WARMING ISCAUSED BY HUMAN ACTIVITY.

THE VATICAN'S PONTIFICAL ACADEMYOF SCIENCES WAS THE FIRST

EXCLUSIVE SCIENTIFIC ACADEMY INTHE WORLD.

AMONG ITS FIRST MEMBERS WASGALILEO GALILEI.

( LAUGHTER )

>> Jon: I DON'T KNOW IFYOU REALLY WANT TO LIST GALILEO

AS ONE OF YOUR REFERENCES.

( LAUGHTER )

THE CATHOLIC CHURCH?

YEAH, I REMEMBER WORKINGWITH THEM.

THEY WERE LOVELY PEOPLE.

CONVICTED ME OF HERESEY ANDSENTENCED ME TO HOUSE ARREST

FOR THE LAST NINE YEARS OF MYLIFE.

OTHERWISE, VERY FORWARDTHINKING.

TELL ME MORE ABOUT THIS MAGICHAND I'M TALKING INTO IT.

HERE IN THE AMERICA, THEREPUBLICAN PARTY HAS

TRADITIONALLY BEEN PRETTYPOPE-POPE.

( LAUGHTER )

PRETTY PRO-POPE.

SHARING AS THEY DO A YEARNINGFOR THE SIMPLER MORALITY OF

15th CENTURY.

BUT NOW THAT THE POPE HAS GONEROGUE, HOW THEY GONNA HANDLE IT?

>> JOE BARTON, THE SENIORREPUBLICAN ON THE ENERGY AND

COMMERCE COMMITTEE, SAYS HEDOESN'T CONSIDER THE POPE AN

EXPERT ON ENVIRONMENTAL ISSUES.

>> THE POPE SHOULD STAY WITH HISJOB AND LET US STAY WITH OURS.

>> Jon: THAT IS HIS JOB.

IT'S THE BIGGEST JOB OF THE POPEIS TO TELL PEOPLE WHEN THEY'RE

BEING BAD.

THAT'S WHY HE DRESSES LIKE A BIGWET BLANKET.

BARTON AND INHOFE, WHO CARESABOUT THOSE GUYS.

SANTORUM'LL BACK THE POP.

RICK SANTORUM WAS SO CATHOLIC,HE WAS AN ALTAR BOY UNTIL ABOUT

SIX WEEKS AGO.

HE'S SO CATHOLIC, HIS CRUCIFIXWEARS A CRUCIFIX.

>> I THINK THAT PROBABLY WE'REBETTER OFF LEAVING SCIENCE TO

THE SCIENTISTS AND FOCUSING ONWHAT WE DO-- WHAT WE'RE REALLY

GOOD AT, WHICH IS-- WHICH IS--WHICH IS THEOLOGY AND MORALITY.

>> Jon: OH, YEAH, NO, JUSTLEAVE THE SCIENCE TO THE

SCIENTISTS.

BY THE WAY--

( LAUGHTER )

WHAT DO THE SCIENTISTS WHO HAVEAN OVERWHELMING CONSENSUS ABOUT

GLOBAL WARMING SAY ABOUT GLOBALWARMING?

EVEN REPUBLICAN UPONFRONT-RUNNER JEB BUSH IS CHAFING

AT THE POPE.

>> I DON'T GET ECONOMIC POLICYFROM MY-- FROM MY BISHOPS OR MY

CARDINALS OR FROM MY POPE.

I THINK RELIGION OUGHT TO BEABOUT MAKING US BETTER AS PEOPLE

AND LESS ABOUT THINGS THAT ENDUP GETTING INTO THE POLITICAL

REALM.

>> Jon: YEAH, RELIGION ISABOUT MAKING US BETTER PEOPLE.

POLITICS IS ABOUT BRINGING OUTOUR WORST.

AND I THINK WE OUGHT TO KEEPTHOSE THINGS-- THIS IS WEIRD,

BECAUSE JEB SEEMS VERY IN FAVOROF CHURCH AND STATE AT LEAST AT

DATING LAST WEEK'S FREEDOMCOALITION.

>> OUR FAITH AND MORALTRADITIONS, IT IS REALLY THE

MORAL FOUNDATION OF OUR COUNTRY,THE GREATEST COUNTRY ON THE FACE

OF THE EARTH.

THIS CONSCIENCE SHOULD ALSO BERESPECTED WHEN PEOPLE OF FAITH

WANT TO TAKE A STAND FORTRADITIONAL MARRIAGE.

>> Jon: OH, SO THERE IT'SOKAY.

PERHAPS MAYBE PEOPLE WOULD BEMORE FOR PREVENTING GLOBAL

WARMING IF WE REFERRED TO IT ASTAKING A STAND FOR PRESERVING

TRADITIONAL SEA LEVELS.

IT'S ADAM AND EVE.

NOT-- I THINK THAT WOULD WORK.

>> AS THE BIBLE SAYS, IT IS ADAMAND EVE NOT ADAM, NOT...

[JON MAKES GARGLING SOUNDS]

(LAUGHTER )

REPUBLICANS REACTING TOTHE POPE'S HONEST CALL FOR

ENVIRONMENTAL CONSCIOUSNESSWITH HOSTILITY IS NOT THE WAY TO

GO.

AND WHEN THE POPE LAYS DOWNTHE DOCTRINE LIKE THIS, THERE IS

ONLY ONE FORCE ON EARTHPOWERFUL ENOUGH TO SWAY HIM.

>> EXXON HAS SENT A SENIORLOBBYIST AND ANOTHER EXECUTIVE

OVER TO ROME.

>> EXXON HAS BEEN LOBBYING THEVATICAN OVER THE POPE'S CLIMATE

CHANGE MESSAGE.

>> Jon: AH, THEY'VEAPPEALED TO A HIGHER AUTHORITY

THAN GOD.

( LAUGHTER )

AND SO IN THE-- IN THE WORDSOF OUR LORD AND SAVIOR, JESUS

CHRIST, DRILL, BABY, DRILL.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

>> Jon: WELCOME BACK.

2016 G.O.P. IS FILLING UP FASTERTHAN THE TOILETS AT ARBY'S.

WHO--

( LAUGHTER )

WHO IS IT GOING TO BE TODAY?

>> LOUISIANA GOVERNOR BOBBYJINDAL IS THE LATEST CANDIDATE

EXPECTED TO THROW HIS HAT IN THERING.

>> Jon: SURE, WHY NOT, GIVEPATAKI SOMEBODY TO TALK TO.

( LAUGHTER )

OF COURSE, THE BAR FORPRESIDENTIAL ANNOUNCEMENTS HAS

BEEN SET PRETTY HIGH.

THERE WAS BEN CARSON'SANNOUNCEMENT AT THE GRAMMYS.

DONALD TRUMP DESCENDING LIKEZEUS FROM A GOLD OLYMPUS.

MAYBE MY FAVORITE IMAGE IN THEHISTORY OF IMAGES.

JINDAL, YOU'RE GOING TO TO CRANKIT UP TO 11 TO TO TOP THAT.

I'M THINKING YOU RIDE A BALDEAGLE DOWN TO A STADIUM CRAMMED

WITH CHEERING SUPPORTERS, WHEREYOU SING YOUR ANNOUNCEMENT IN

DUET WITH CARRIE UNDERWOOD,THE EAGLE IS ON SAX, ALL WHILE

FIREWORKS PAINT AN AMERICAN FLAGGUN ACROSS THE SKY.

I MEAN, HIT ME, BOBBY.

LET ME SEE THE BIG ANNOUNCEMENTVIDEO.

>> MOMMY AND DADDY HAVE BEENTALKING A LOT ABOUT THIS.

WE HAVE DECIDE WE ARE GOING TOBE RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT.

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THAT?

>> THAT'S GOOD. WHAT ABOUT YOU?

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

>> Jon: I AM NOT APOLITICAL SCIENTIST.

I AM, OBVIOUSLY NOT A CAMPAIGNMANAGER.

I BELIEVE A SIGN THAT YOURCAMPAIGN MAY BE IN TROUBLE WHEN

YOU CANNOT CARRY A MAJORITY OFYOUR IMMEDIATE FAMILY.

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

I MEAN THAT WASN'T EVEN-- EVENTHE ONE GUY GAVE A THUMBS UP.

I'M NOT EVEN SURE THAT WAS ATHUMBS UP FOR DAD.

IT WAS MORE LIKE WHO'S GOT TWOTHUMBS AND IS VOTING FOR RUBIO?

THIS GUY.

( LAUGHTER )

GOVERNOR JINDAL, THESE VIDEOSWHEN YOU DROP A SURPRISE ON YOUR

KIDS ARE ALL ABOUT THE REACTION.

THAT'S WHY PEOPLE WATCH THESEVIDEOS.

YOU EVER BEEN ON YOUTUBE, YOU'DKNOW THIS IS HOW THAT VIDEO

SHOULD HAVE PLAYED.

>> WE HAVE DECIDE WE ARE GOINGTO BE RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT.

>> ARE YOU JOKING?

>> NO, I'M NOT JOKING.

>> OH, MY GOD!

>> OH, MY GOD!

>> OH, MY GOD!

( SHRIEKING )

>> Jon: THAT'S ALL YOU HAVETO DO.

LESS OF THE JIBBER-JABBER.

LET THEM RUN IN.

IT TURNS OUT, JINDAL'S KIDSFOUND HIS PRESIDENTIAL

ANNOUNCEMENT LESINTERESTINGTHAN, LITERALLY, EVERYTHING ELSE

IN TH BACKYARD.

>> THERE'S A TURTLE OVER THERE.

>> YEAH, I SEE IT.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

>> Jon: TURTLE, HUH?

THERE WAS A TURTLE THERE.

LET ME SEE THE REVERSE ANGLE ONTHIS ALLEGED-- SON OF A BITCH.

ARE YOU HAVING A FAMILY MEETING?

( LAUGHTER )

IS THERE GOING TO BE A BARBECUE?

SURE DO LIKE HOT DOGS... YEP.

HERE'S WHERE JINDAL REALLY SHOWSHE KNOWS KIDS, AS WELL AS HE

KNOWS VOTERS.

>> MAYBE YOU'LL GET A CHANCE IFYOU BEHAVE TO GO BACK TO IOWA.

WOULD YOU LIKE THAT?

IF YOU BEHAVE.

WOULD THAT BE WORTH BEHAVINGFOR?

>> Jon: YOU KNOW THE OTHERKID'S LIKE, "SO IF WE DON'T

BEHAVE..."

( LAUGHTER )

WE DON'T HAVE TO GO TO IOWA."

( APPLAUSE )

ONE QUICK QUESTION-- "MAY IHAVE YOUR CAR KEYS, SOME

GASOLINE, AND G.T.A. 5?"

I ALMOST WISH JINDAL HAD ACHANCE.

WE COULD SEE HOW PRESIDENTJINDAL WOULD NEGOTIATE WITH

PUTIN.

"NOW, VLADIMIR, YOU PULL OUT OFUKRAINE, YOU'RE GOING TO GET TO

GO BACK TO IOWA.

YOU WOULD LIKE THAT, WOULDN'TYOU?

WOULDN'T A NICE CORN DOG BEWORTH PULLING OUT OF UKRAINE?"

LET'S BE HONEST, BOBBY IS WHATYOU CALL A LONG SHOT.

THE FIELD IS CROWDED.

TH REPUBLICANS ARE ARE GOING TONEED JAPANESE SUBWAY PUSHERS TO

ACCOMIDATE ALL THE CANDIDATES.

ACCORDING TO THE LATEST POLL,JINDAL IS ONE OF NINE POTENTIAL

REPUBLICAN CANDIDATES POLLINGUNDER 5%.

THAT'S THE MARGIN OF ERROR.

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

TECHNICALLY, NINE OF THESECANDIDATES COULD BE LOSING TO A

BOWL OF REGURGITATED GRAPEFRUIT.

JINDAL'S ONLY CHANCE TO PULLAHEAD WOULD BE TO DEAL SOME

SOLID SLAMS TO THE DEMOCRATICFRONT-RUNNER, AND THERE AIN'T

MUCH MEAT LEFT ON THAT BONE.

>> WHEN HILLARY CLINTON TRAVELSTHERE'S GOING TO NEED TO BE TWO

PLANES, ONE FOR HER AND HERENTOURAGE AND ONE FOR HER

BAGGAGE.

>> SHE'S THE CLASSIC INSIDER.

>> THE CLINTON POLITICALMACHINE.

>> THEY DON'T WANT SOMEONE WHOWAS PART OF A MONARCHY.

>> SHE WASN'T TRANSPARENT ABOUTBENGHAZI.

SHE CLEARLY IS NOT TRUSTWORTHY.

>> THERE IS A CERTAIN SENSE THEYTHINK THEY'RE ABOVE THE LAW.

>> I HONESTLY DON'T KNOW WHATHER SUCCESSES ARE.

>> JUST LISTENING TO HER ISSOMETHING OUT OF NORTH KOREA.

IF YOU STARE AT HERSHE WILL TURN YOU TO STONE.

SHE IS THE DEVIL INCARNATE.

ALL RIGHT, BOBBY, HILLARY IS ASCHEMING, UNTRUSTWORTHY

INSIDE-THE-BELT-WAY DICTATOR.

WHAT DO YOU GOT?

>> I'M GOING TO SAY THIS SLOWLYSO EVEN HILLARY CLINTON CAN

UNDERSTAND THIS.

>> Jon: NOBODY THINKS SHE'SDUMB, DUDE.

THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE GOING TO GOWITH?

WELL, HOPEFULLY, YOU'LL HAVE ARIVETTING REALITY SHOW PILOT TO

FALL BACK ON.

( LAUGHTER )

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

>> Jon: WELCOME BACK.

MY GUEST TONIGHT, HE IS IN HIS45th YEAR AS A STAND-UP

COMEDIAN, GOOD FRIEND OF THESHOW.

HIS UPCOMING SERIES FOR STARZ ISCALLED "BLUNT TALK."

>> WHAT IS HOLDING YOU BACK FROMMEETING A WOMAN?

>> MY TRACK RECORD.

I'M AFRAID TO START SOMETHINGNEW.

ALL MY RELATIONSHIPS END INPAIN.

>> DID THAT STOP ELIZABETHTAYLOR?

NO.

SO I GIVE YOU PERMISSION TO MEETSOMEONE NEW AND NOT WORRY ABOUT

THE FUTURE.

>> ARE YOU SUGGESTING I SHOULDBEHAVE LIKE ELIZABETH TAYLOR?

>> YES.

A MESSY LIFE IS A GOOD LIFE.

>> Jon: WELCOME BACK TO THEPROGRAM, RICHARD LEWIS!

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

>> NICE TO SEE YOU.

>> Jon: HOW ARE YOU?

>> ALL RIGHT.

WE GOT 300-- THANK YOU, THAT WASVERY SWEET OF YOU.

THIS IS MY 17th YEAR ON THESHOW.

THAT'S IT.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH!

>> Jon: NO, COME ON. SIT!

SO MUCH TO TALK ABOUT!

>> WELL WE DON'T HAVE --

>> Jon: HOW HAVE YOU DONE BEEN?

>> HOW DO YOU LIKE ME BEING APSYCHIATRIST TO SIR PATRICK.

>> Jon: I CAN'T IMAGINE YOUFINDING THE MOTIVATION FOR THAT

CHARACTER.

>> IT WAS VERY EASY.

I WENT FROM ONE BALD GENIUS,LARRY DAVID, TO ANOTHER BALD

GENIUS.

THAT WAS IT.

>> Jon: BUT WHAT DO YOU KNOWABOUT PSYCHIATRY?

HOW DO YOU TAP INTO THAT TO PLAYTHAT CHARACTER?

>> ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR (BLEEP)MIND?

>> Jon: I BELEIVE I WASBEING FACETIOUS.

>> I KNOW YOU -->> Jon: WE'VE MET!

>> AND THE POPE, I'M SORRY, HECOMES -- I DON'T BELIEVE-- I'M A

SPIRITUAL GUY, BUT THEY SHOULDPUT-- IN THE HOTEL-- I WAS JUST

AT A HOTEL.

I'M ALL OVER THE PLACE BECAUSE IMISS YOU AND YOU'RE GOING TO

HAVE THE BIGGEST WET DREAMDURING THE PRIMARIES OF ALL

TIME.

WE'RE GOING TO MISS HIM DURINGTHOSE PRIMARIES.

AM I RIGHT, OR AM I(BLEEP) WRONG?

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

>> Jon: YOU'LL BE FINE.

>> NO, NO, IT'S NOT GOING TO BEFINE.

>> Jon: ALL RIGHT.

>> BUT THE POPE, YOU KNOW, I'MSORRY-- I DISAGREE.

I'M A SPIRITUAL GUY, IF YOU'RECATHOLIC, GOOD, GOOD, GOOD.

WHEN I STEP IN DOG --

>> Jon: WHO BRINGS UP THE POPAND A WET DREAM--WHO

BRINGS THAT UP?

>> MAYBE I'M A HOAX.

MAYBE I'M A HOAX.

AND MAYBE I INTRODUCED HIM 30YEARS AGO ON CABLE.

GIMME THE LOVE!

>> Jon: RICHARD LEWIS WASTHE HOST OF--

>> YOUNG COMIC'S SPECIAL.>> Jon: I WAS 24.

>> AND YOU LOOKED LIKE MEBACK THEN.

YOU WERE 10 AND I WAS 21.

>> Jon: I KEEP HAVING YOU BACKON THE SHOW TO FIND OUT WHAT I'M

GOING TO LOOK LIKE.

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

I KEEP-- I KEEP BRINGING YOUON-- I BRING YOU ON RIGHT NOW

AND GO, "ALL RIGHT, I'LL BEFINE."

>> BETTER THAN THAT.

I-- I-- COULD HAVE DONE TOWOODSTOCK, BUT IT WAS DRIZZLING

AND I STAYED HOME, OKAY.

( LAUGHTER )

BUT I WENT TO A LOT OF STUFFWHEN I WAS 16 AND 17.

NOW IF I HAD ( BLEEP ) ANYBODYIN THAT MUD, HE COULD HAVE BEEN

MY SON AND IT WOULD HAVE BEENUNBELIEVABLE.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT --

>> Jon: CAN I TELL YOUSOMETHING?

>> IT'S YOUR SHOW.

>> Jon: THAT WAS NICER THANANYTHING MY REAL FATHER EVER

SAID TO ME.

HERE'S THE MOST AMAZING THING HESAID TO ME-- YOU'RE LIKE

SOMETHING THAT HAPPENED WHEN I(BLEEP) SOMETHING IN THE MUD.

>> YOU WOULD HAVE BEEN MY SONAND I WOULD HAVE BEEN PROUD OF

YOU, BUT I WOULD HAVE ASKED YOUFOR ONE THING-- MONEY.

( LAUGHTER )

>> Jon: DO YOU REMEMBER THEFIRST THING-- I MET YOU AT

CAROLINE'S.

I OPENED FOR YOU AT CAROLINE'SWHEN IT WAS STILL AT THE

SEAPORT.

>> BACK IN LIKE THE EARLY 80s.

>> Jon: MIDDLE-LATE 80s.

DO YOU REMEMBER THE FIRST LINEYOU SAID TO ME?

FIRST LINE, I'LL NEVER FORGETIT.

>> YEAH, YOU COULD HAVE BEEN MYSON IF I ( BLEEP ) SOMEONE IN

THE MUD.

>> Jon: NO.

THE FIRST THING RICHARDLEWIS SAID TO ME IN MY LIFE, AND

I'M A HUGE FAN AND REMAIN A HUGEFAN, WAS "I HAVE TERRIBLE

DIARRHEA."

THAT'S THE FIRST LINE YOU EVERSAID TO ME.

"I HAVE TERRIBLE DIARRHEA."

>> I'M SORRY.

>> Jon: THAT'S FINE.

I WAS COMING BACK AT CAROLINE'S--REMEMBER THERE WAS NO GREEN

ROOM.

I WAS GOING TO PUT MY COAT BACKAND I WAS GOING TO PUT MY COAT

UP ON THE HOOK AND I HEAR FROMTHE CORNER, "I HAVE TERRIBLE

DIARRHEA."

>> LET ME JUST JUMP TOSOMETHING.

ABOUT NINE MONTHS AGO I DIDTHE FALLON SHOW.

BUT TWO NIGHTS BEFORE, I HADFOOD POISONING.

SO MY WIFE WAS WITH ME-- YOUCAN'T GO ON.

NOT MATTER WHAT I'VE DONE IN MYCAREER, IF I WOULD HAVE TAKEN

A DUMP, IT WOULD HAVE BEENWIKIPEDIA-- HE ( BLEEP ) ON THE

FALLON SHOW.

>> Jon: I'M GONNA DO YOU AFAVOR.

LET ME DO YOU A FAVOR--

>> I CAN'T FINISH THE STORY?

I HAVE 25 SECONDS.

>> Jon: YOU CAN FINISH ITWHEN I'M DONE WITH THE FAVOR.

>> I COULD'VE HAD YOU AS A SONIF I ( BLEEP ) SOMEBODY AT

WOODSTOCK.

>> Jon: SETTLE DOWN.

WIKIPEDIA, TAKE CARE OF THAT FORHIM.

THEY'RE GOING TO WRITE IT DOWNFOR YOU.

>> I'LL DO IT FAST --

>> Jon: DO IT.

>> IN THE MIDDLE OF A SENTENCEYOU GO WE'RE GOING TO LOSE

EVERYBODY.

AND I COULD GET A STROKE.

I'M IN MY 60s, LISTEN TO WHATHAPPENED --

>> Jon: YOU'RE IN YOUR60s?

>> PLEASE.

>> Jon: YOU LOOK TERRIBLE!

( LAUGHTER )

>> I SHAVED FOR YOU.

I DRESSED UP --

>> Jon: WHEN YOU CAME OUT, ISWEAR TO GOD I THOUGHT THE BIBLE

HAS COME ALIVE.

I HAD NO IDEA -- 60s?

>> AND WHY DO THEY ALWAYS PUTTHE BIBLE IN THE HOTEL ROOM.

I WANT A JEWISH DELICATESSENTAKE OUT ORDER ON THE OTHER

SIDE.

I KID THE MORMONS, BUT I DON'TCARE ABOUT THE SALT LAKE.

I WANT A PASTRAMI SANDWICH.

YOU KNOW WHEN YOU HAVE IT YOU'REON THE TOILET FOR 28 HOURS --

>> Jon: WHAT HAD YOU EATEN?

>> IT WAS FOOD POISONING.

>> Jon: I KNOW, BUTSPECIFICALLY.

>> SO MY WIFE SAID CAN'T GO ONFALLON.

AND MY PUBLICIST IS LIKE -- I'MNOT CANCELLING.

THE SHOW MUST GO ON.

I SAID, DO ME A FAVOR.

GET ME DEPENDS IN CASE SOMETHINGHAPPENS AND NO ONE WILL KNOW.

FALLON COULD HAVE BEEN APORCUPIN -- HE COULD'VE DONE

THAT.

BUT I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING-- THEYCAME OUT WITH CALVIN KLEIN.

CAN I STAND UP-- THEY-- YOU PUTTHE CALVIN KLEIN IN, AND IT

SUCKS YOUR STOMACH IN LIKE AGIRDLE.

SO I LOOK LIKE A ( BLEEP )MILLION DOLLARS.

SO THEY SAID, "LADIES ANDGENTLEMEN, RICHARD LEWIS."

"HEY, HOW ARE YOU?

HOW IS EVERYTHING GOING?"

I TOLD MY WIFE-- I DID THE SHOW,IT WENT WELL, AND I SNUCK OUT

AND BOUGHT 12 PAIR SO THEWHOLE TRIP IN NEW YORK, MY

WIFE'S FRIENDS, "HE LOOKS(BLEEP) GREAT FOR 60."

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

( CHEERS )

>> Jon: LET ME TELL YOUSOMETHING.

>> I KNOW, A MINUTE AND A HALF--

THAT IS -- IN TERMS OF THEBILLBOARD IN TIMES SQUARE

FOR CALVIN KLEIN --

RICHARD LEWIS.

IN HIS DEPENDS.

>> THANKS FOR SHOWING THAT CLIP.

( LAUGHTER )

THANKS FOR SHOWING THE BLUNTTALK THING.

IT'S IN AUGUST, AND I HAVE ABOOK.

>> Jon: LOOK AT THIS.

"REFLECTIONS FROM HELL."

>> A GENIUS NEW YORK GUYILLUSTRATE MY MADNESS.

I NEVER REALIZED HOW ( BLEEP ) IWAS.

I'M REALLY SICK.

>> Jon: YOU NEVER REALIZEDHOW ( BLEEP ) YOU WERE?

>> NOT UNTIL I SAW THIS BOOK.

>> Jon: OH MY GOD, WHY DIDN'TYOU CALL ME?

I COULD HAVE TOLD YOU.

>> YOU KNOW WHAT KILLS ME ABOUTTHE POPE, I DISAGREE WITH MOST

OF IT, THERE WILL BE A MILLIONPEOPLE IN THE VATICAN AND

THEY'LL DO THE -- I DON'T KNOWWHAT THAT MEANS.

>> Jon: YOU KNOW WHAT THATMEANS? YOU'RE A JEW.

>> IT'S MEANS HE'S WAITING FOR APASS.

COME ON, I'VE GOT A SHOT.

>> Jon: IT'S THIS, IT'S "WHERE'SMY PURELL?"

YOU KNOW THAT.

>> HE'LL SAY THIS, AND HE'LLWALK BACK.

LIKE, HE'LL SAY SOMETHING HIPAND THE NEXT DAY, HE'LL SAY

"YOU CAN'T HAVE AN ABORTION."

ALL THE NEGATIVE STUFF THAT WEDON'T NECESSARILY BELIEVE IN.

WHEN YOU SAY ANYTHING POLITICAL,LIKE ON TWITTER, "YOU'RE THE

FUNNIEST ( BLEEP ).

YOU'RE GREAT."

AND I SAY ONE PROGRESSIVE THING,"YOU JEW MOTHER ( BLEEP )."

>> Jon: "BLUNT TALK" PREMIERESON STARZ AUGUST 22ND,

THE BOOK IS CALLED"REFLECTIONS FRO HELL."

>> THANKS FOR SHINING A LIGHT ONALL THE HYPOCRISY AND BULL

(BLEEP).

>> Jon: AH, RICHARD LEWIS,EVERYBODY!

>> Jon: THAT'S OUR SHOW.

BEFORE WE GO, I WANTED TO TELLYOU REAL QUICK --

STARTING TOMORROW, WE'RE GONNASTART STREAMING OVER 2,000

EPISODES OF THS PROGRAM,FROM THE VERY FRIST ONE I DID,

ALL THE WAY IN.

IT'S GONNA TAKE 42 DAYS.

AND IT'S GONNA CONTINUE UP UNTILAUGUST 6TH.

AND I DON'T WANNA, LOOK --

WE DON'T WANNA DRAW PARALLELS,OBVIOUSLY IT TOOK GOD 40 TO

DESTROY ALL THAT WE KNOW OF ASTHE EARTH.

IT'S GONNA TAKE US ABOUT TWOEXTRA ONES.

GO TOthedailyshow.com/monthofzen

TOMORROW, OR REALLY ANY DAY INTHE NEXT SIX WEEKS AND WASTE

A LOT OF TIME.

HERE IT IS, YOUR MOMENT OF ZEN.

>> THESE ARE ALL SORT OFROUTINES THAT THE JINDALS HAVE

AS A REGULAR BASIS.

THE KIDS IN THE FAMILY LIVETHERE AT THE MANSION.

HE GETS UP EVERY SINGLE MORNINGAND GOES TO THE GYM BEFORE HE

GOES AND DOES ANYTHING, IN LARGEMEASURE BECAUSE THERE'S THIS BIG

BACON DRAWER IN THE KITCHEN,WHERE THERE'S ALWAYS A COUPLE OF

POUNDS OF UNBELEIVABLY GOODBACON SITTING AROUND.

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