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December 18, 2014 - Chris Rock

  • Episode: 20040
  • Views: 68,370

Sony decides not to release "The Interview," the U.S. and Cuba begin to rebuild their relationship, Jordan Klepper reports on SantaCon, and Chris Rock discusses "Top Five." (21:27)

>> Jon: HEY!

WELCOME TO "THE DAILY SHOW."

MY NAME IS JON STEWART.

IT'S A REALLY SPECIAL NIGHTTONIGHT, A REALLY SPECIAL NIGHT.

THE GREAT CHRIS ROCK IS GOING TOBE JOINING US LATER.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).

BUT FIRST, BEFORE WE GET TOTHAT, AS YOU KNOW,

AS WE'VE DISCUSSED ON THISPROGRAM ON NUMEROUS OCCASIONS,

AMERICA, AMERICA, 'MERICA. WE'VEBEEN

HAVING A BIT OF A BAD WEEK--MONTH -- EPOCH.

( LAUGHTER )BUT YOU KNOW WHO'S BEEN HAVING A

PRETTY GOOD WEEK-- TOTALITARIANREGIMES.

TAKE, WHAT DO YOU CALL IT THERE,NORTH KOREA.

AS YOU KNOW, THEY OR SOMEMERCENARY COMPUTER HACKERS, A

NERD TEAM 6 IF YOU WILL, BROKEINTO COMPUTERS AT SONY PICTURES

IN RETALIATION FOR THE UPCOMINGMOVIE "THE INTERVIEW," WHILE

APPARENTLY LEAVING SONYCOMPLETELY ALONE FOR

"AFTER EARTH."

I MEAN, THAT MAKES NO SENSE.

I MEAN, FOR GOD'S SAKE YOU HAVETHE MOST CHARISMATIC STAR IN THE

WORLD IN WILL SMITH.

HE'S STUCK IN A BUBBLE, CAN'T GOANYWHERE.

MEANWHILE, THE WHOLE MOVIE,SOME ( BLEEP ) KID IS FLYING

AROUND IN A MAGIC SQUIRREL SUIT.I MEAN, THE WHOLE THING.

AND THE BAD GUYS CAN ONLY SEEYOU IF THEY SMELL FEAR.

GUESS WHAT?

IT'S A VISUAL MEDIUM.

WHAT ARE WE TALKING ABOUT?

OH, WELL, APPARENTLY, THETHREATENED EXPOSURE OF MORE

CATTY E-MAILS DIDN'T SLOW SONYDOWN IN THEIR VILLAINOUS PLOT TO

RELEASE A COMEDY. SO THE HACKERSWENT TO PLAN B.

>> THEY CLAIMED THEATERS THATSHOW SONY'S NEW COMEDY

"THE INTERVIEW" WILL FACE9/11-STYLE ATTACKS.

>> Jon: FIRST OF ALL, WHENDID 9/11 BECOME A STYLE OF

ATTACKS?

( LAUGHTER )"WE HEARD YOU WERE INTERESTED IN

ATTACKING SOMETHING.

WE'VE ASSEMBLED A PINTREST PAGE.LITTLE INSPIRATION BOOK OF --

TELL US WHAT STYLE OF ATTACKYOU'D LIKE.

MAYBE A 9/11, MAYBE A DRESDEN."

BUT THE POINT IS, YOU'VE DONE ( BLEEP ) UP NOW, BUDDY.

YOU STEPPED IN IT.

9/11 IS OUR MAGIC STRENGTH.

IT'S OUR SPINACH.

IT REMINDS US, WE DON'T GIVE IN,WE NEVER GIVE UP, WE DON'T BACK

DOWN.

>> THE SONY SPOKESPERSON SAYSTHE COMPANY WILL NOT BE

RELEASING THE FILM.

( LAUGHTER )>> Jon: OKAY.

NOT RELEASING IT IN THEATERS,BECAUSE VIDEO ON DEMAND IS A

DEMOCRATIZED TECHNOLOGY.

IT WILL INHABIT THE ENTIREEARTH.

YOU MADE A BIG MISTAKE, NORTHCOHACKERS.

CAUSE THESE COLORS DON'T RUN.

>> NO VIDEO ON DEMAND.

IT'S AS IF "THE INTERVIEW" NEVEREXISTED.

>> Jon: ( BLEEP ) YOU.

( LAUGHTER )THAT'S IT?

SO KIM JONG UN GETS TO DECIDEWHAT MOVIES WE MAKE?

SO THIS IS EVERY MOVIE FROM NOWON IS JUST THIS, "WORLD'S

BIGGEST PENIS, THE MOTIONPICTURE."

THAT'S IT.

ACTUALLY, HERE'S WHAT'SINTERESTING.

IN KOREAN, THAT TRANSLATES TOAFTER-GIRTH.

( LAUGHTER )FOR GOD'S SAKE, NORTH KOREA,

THAT'S WHAT THEY DO.

THEY THREATEN PEOPLE WITHHYPERBOLIC LANGUAGE.

WHY DO WE FALL FOR THAT?

THAT'S THEIR HOOK.

>> NORTH KOREA HAS THREATENED TOTURN WASHINGTON INTO A SEA OF

FIRE.

>> Jon: SEA OF FIRE!

WHAT?

AND DID WASHINGTON SHUT DOWN?

DID OUR GOVERNMENT SHUT DOWN?

OKAY, YES, IT DID SHUT DOWN, BUTTHAT WASN'T WHY.

IT WAS A FUNDING DISPUTE.

BAD EXAMPLE.

THE POINT IS THIS-- KIM JONG UN,I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY YOU'RE SO

MAD AT HOLLYWOOD.

YOU SHOULD LOVE THEM.

HOLLYWOOD IS JUST LIKE NORTHKOREA.

EVERYONE IS ALWAYS TELLING YOUHOW GREAT YOU ARE.

THERE ARE BILLBOARDS EVERYWHEREWITH YOUR FACE ON THEM AND NO

ONE EATS.

( LAUGHTER )BUT MEANWHILE, CLOSER TO HOME,

SOME OF OUR OTHER ENEMIES GOTGOOD NEWS AS WELL.

>> PRESIDENT OBAMA ANNOUNCINGPLANS TO NORMALIZE RELATIONS

WITH COMMUNIST CUBA AFTER MORETHAN HALF A CENTURY.

>> WE WILL END AN OUTDATEDAPPROACH THAT FOR DECADES HAS

FAILED TO ADVANCE OUR INTERESTS.

>> Jon: SPECIFICALLY OURINTEREST IN BREATHABLE SHIRTS,

DELICIOUS CIGARS AND ADORABLEOLD MEN BANDS.

COME ON, HOW BAD COULD CUBA BE?

THEY'RE LIKE HUMMEL FIGURES THATPLAY GUITAR.

BUT LIKE ANY CHANGE, THERE WILLBE SOME LAGGARDS.

>> RIGHT WHEN THE ADMINISTRATIONWAS FEELING THE MAXIMUM PAIN, IT

THROWS THEM AN ECONOMIC LIVESLINE AND CONTINUES THE BRUTAL

REPRESSION AND DICTATORSHIP OFTHE CASTRO BROTHERS.

>> THE CUBAN GOVERNMENTUNFORTUNATELY IS GOING TO

MANIPULATE ALL THESE CHANGES TOTIGHTEN THEIR GRIP ON POWER.

>> Jon: TIGHTEN THEIR GRIPON POWER?

THESE TWO ARE BARELY HOLDING ONTO LIFE.

( LAUGHTER )I MEAN, FOR GOD'S SAKE, JUNIOR

IS 83.

AT THIS POINT, HIS BIG BROTHER,SO TO SPEAK, HE JUST LIES IN A

CORNER FARTING DUST.

IT DOESN'T-- WE'VE EMBARGOEDTHEM FOR OVER 50 YEARS.

IT HASN'T SHAKEN THEIR POWER.

MEANWHILE, WE'VE THROWN PLENTYOF DICTATOR BRUNCHES THAT THESE

TWO WOULD SURELY QUALIFY FOR.

SO WHY NOT SEE IF LIBERALIZINGBORDERS CAN HELP CHANGE THE

DYNAMIC.

>> WE AS A NATION AND OUR MORALSTANDING IN THE WORLD IS BASED

ON ONE FUNDAMENTAL PRINCIPLE ANDTHAT IS A RESPECT FOR HUMAN

DIGNITY, HUMAN RIGHTS, DEMOCRACYAND FREEDOM.

>> EVERY ECONOMIC TRANSACTIONSTRENGTHENS THE REGIME THAT IS

OPPRESSING, THAT IS TORTURING.

>> Jon: I DON'T KNOW WHATYOU TWO GUYS HAVE BEEN DOING FOR

THE LAST COUPLE OF WEEKS, BUT ITHINK I KNOW WHICH BOOK I'M

GETTING YOU FOR THE HOLIDAYS.

( LAUGHTER )>> JON, JON, MR. STEWART,

AMERICA MAKES BIG MISTAKE.

>> Jon: WHAT?

IS THAT-- WHAT THE-- OH, MY GOD,EVERYBODY!

IT'S GITMO, THE GUANTANAMODETAINEE.

WHAT'S GOING ON, OLD PAL?

>> GITMO MUST WARN AMERICA BYDOING BUSINESS WITH OPPRESSIVE

CUBA REGIME, AMERICA DESTROYITS MORAL STANDING.

>> Jon: WHAT-- WHAT MAKESYOU SAY THAT?

>> TRUST GITMO.

GITMO IN CUBAN PRISON RIGHT NOW.

( LAUGHTER )AWFUL CONDITIONS.

GITMO ON HUNGER STRIKE, BUTNOTHING CHANGED.

OH SORRY!

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

>> Jon: SO SAD.

IT'S SO SAD.

( LAUGHTER )( BLEEP ) GITMO.

GITMO, I DON'T KNOW IF YOU KNOWTHIS, GUATANAMO BAY,

THAT'S ACTUALLY, THAT'S IN CUBA,BUT THAT'S AN AMERICAN PRISON.

THAT'S OUR GOVERNMENT HOLDINGYOU IN THOSE CONDITIONS.

YOU KNOW THAT, RIGHT?

>> OH, RIGHT. BRAINGET CLOUDY AFTER 10 YEARS,

WHAT WAS GITMOCHARGED WITH AGAIN?

>> Jon: CHARGED WITH?

UM... IT'S A FUNNY STORY.

WE HAVEN'T ACTUALLY GOTTENAROUND TO-- HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT,

GITMO--( LAUGHTER )

YOU KNOW WHAT, GITMO?

IT COULD BE WORSE.

SOME OF-- IT'S HARDER THAN ITLOOKS.

SOME OF OUR OTHER OFFSHOREDETAINEES GOT FOOD TUBES IN

THEIR RECTUMS.

>> GITMO DREAM OF FOOD TUBE INRECTUM.

( LAUGHTER )HAS TO BE BETTER THAN MAN'S ARM.

>> Jon: WELL, THAT-- THAT'STRUE, THAT CAN'T BE COMFORTABLE,

BUT SURELY, YOU MUST TAKE SOLACEIN SENATOR RUBIO'S AND CRUZ'S

DISCUSSION OF AMERICAN VALUES.

>> SURE. AS LONG AS THE MORALRELATIVISM OF THEIR POSITION

IS SINCERE AND NOT A PANDER TO APOWERFUL, CUBAN EXPAT COMMUNITY

IN AND ATTEMPT TO GAIN AN EDGEON FLORIDA'S 29 SWING STATE

ELECTORAL VOTE.

>> Jon: GOD, GITMO.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?

THAT IS SO CYNICAL.

>> GITMO SORRY.

GITMO SHOULD HAVE MORE FAITH INTHE SYSTEM.

( LAUGHTER )>> Jon: THANK YOU, GITMO.

I ACCEPT YOUR APOLOGY.

GITMO, EVERYBODY, WE'LL BE RIGHTBACK.

HOW DARE YOU?

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )>> Jon: WELCOME BACK.

YOU KNOW, OBVIOUSLY, THEHOLIDAYS ARE HERE.

IT'S THE CHRISTMAS SEASON.

BUT SADLY, SOME ARE NOT SO JOLLYTHIS YEAR, INCLUDING THOSE WHOSE

VERY JOB IT IS TO BE JOLLY.

JORDAN KLEPPER HAS MORE.

>> THIS PAST SATURDAY, THESTREETS OF NEW YORK ECHOED WITH

VOICES RAISED AGAINST INJUSTICE.

AND CIVIL RIGHTS ATTORNEY NORMANSIEGELL THINKS THEY HAVE A RIGHT

TO BE HEARD.

>> EVEN IF YOU DISAGREE WITH THECONTENT OF THE MESSAGE OF A

GROUP, THEY HAVE THE RIGHT TOEXPRESS THAT VIEWPOINT.

>> AND SO HE STOOD WITH THEM--NO, NOT THAT THEM.

THIS THEM.

HOLY ( BLEEP ).

HE'S WITH SANTAS?

>> YOU CAN'T BAN PEOPLE FROMWALKING ON THE PUBLIC STREETS.

>> TURNS OUT SIEGEL IS DEFENDINGTHE CIVIL RIGHTS OF SANTACON A

DRUNKEN CHRISTMAS THEMED BARCRAWL IN NEW YORK FACING UNJUST

DISCRIMINATION BASED ON NOTHINGMORE THAN INDECENT BEHAVIOR AND

THEIR YULE TIDE STREET BRAWL.

SO I TRAVELED TO SANTA-CON TOBEAR WITNESS TO THEIR STRUGGLE.

>> HELL, YEAH, I FEEL PERSECUTEDAS A SANTA.

I'M DRUNK AND I'M SUPPOSED TO BEABLE TO DO WHATEVER THE

( BLEEP ) I WANT.

>> RIGHT. YOU MAKE A VERYELOQUENT POINT.

>> HELL YEAH, I DO.

>> WE HAVE A RIGHT TO HAVE FUN!

>> WHAT DO YOU SAY TO CRITICSWHO SAY THIS IS JUST AN EVENT

FOR DRUNK KIDS FROM NEW JERSEY?

>> I'M FROM NEW JERSEY.

>> NEW JERSEY? I THINKTHAT'S WRONG.

>> WHERE ARE YOU FROM?

>> NEW JERSEY.

>> SANTA HAS RIGHTS! SANTA HASRIGHTS!

>> DOORS AND CHIMNEYS HAVE BEENSLAMMED IN THEIR FACE.

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN KICKED OUT OFA BAR?

>> YEAH, I'VE BEEN KICKED OUT OFA BAR.

>> JUST FOR BEING A SANTA.

>> FOR PEEING IN THE HALLWAY ANDHAVING SEX ON THE POOL TABLE.

>> SO YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF ABAR BECAUSE YOU WERE A SANTA?

>> NO BECAUSE THIS GIRL WASSTARING AT ME AND I WAS LIKE

WHY ARE YOU STARING AT ME AND IHAD TO ( BLEEP ) HIT HER.

>> SO I SOUGHT OUT SIEGEL'SRIGHT HAND BEARD, AND

THIS SANTA-CON ADVOCATEAGREED TO DISCUSS THEIR CAUSE--

IF HE COULD REMAIN IN COSTUME.

SO-- WHAT SHOULD I CALL YOU?

>> SANTA, PLEASE.

>> SO I CAN USE THE "S" WORD?

IT'S NOT SOMETHING THAT JUST ALLPEOPLE WHO ARE IN THAT COMMUNITY

CAN USE WITH EACH OTHER?

>> YOU CAN USE THE "S" WORD?

>> WHAT UP, MY SANTA?

>> YO.

>> NICE.

WHAT ARE THE OTHER GUYS IN SUITSCALLED?

>> THEY ARE ALL SANTA.

WE ARE ALL SANTA.

>> DOESN'T THAT GET CONFUSING?

>> NOPE.

>> WHAT IF SOMEBODY SENDS A TEXTTHAT'S LIKE, "SANTA, CAN'T COME

TO SANTA'S PARTY BECAUSE SANTAHOOKED UP WITH SANTA AT SANTA'S

BAR MITZVAH."

>> SANTA IS ALL OF US.

>> I'M JUST, I'M GETTING -- WHOARE WE TALKING ABOUT RIGHT NOW?

OH, YEAH, WE'RE TALKING SANTASAND THEIR SACRED CONSTITUTIONAL

RIGHTS.

>> WE HAVE A FIRST AMENDMENTRIGHT TO GET TOGETHER, SAY WHAT

WE WANT, AND WALK AROUND IN THESTREETS, AS LONG AS WE'RE DOING

NOTHING ILLEGAL.

>> YOU HAVE A RIGHT TO BEJUDGED, NOT BY THE VOMIT IN YOUR

BEARD BUT BY THE CONTENT OF YOURCHARACTER.

>> ABSOLUTELY.

>> WELL, THOUGH TO BE FAIR,VOMIT IN BEARD PROBABLY SPEAKS

SOMEWHAT TOWARDS THE CONTENT OFCHARACTER.

>> 30,000 OF ANYBODY, THERE'SGOING TO BE SOME DRUNKS.

>> THERE ARE SOME BAD EGGS.

>> ABSOLUTELY.

>> WHAT'S THEIR NAMES?

>> NOBODY AT SANTA-CON IS TAKINGNAMES.

>> YOU DON'T HAVE A LIST OFWHO'S BEING NAUGHTY?

( LAUGHTER ).

>> NO.

>> ISN'T THAT YOUR WHOLE( BLEEP ) THING?

>> WE ARE NONJUDGMENTABLE.

>> SADLY, EVEN TRADITIONALLYPRO-SANTA NEW YORKERS HAVE HAD

ENOUGH.

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF SANTA?

>> THEY SMELL BAD.

>> WHAT IS SANTA SUPPOSED TOSMELL LIKE?

>> CLEAN.

>> AND EVEN HIS LITTLE HELPERSWERE LESS THAN SUPPORTIVE.

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF SANTA?

>> ( BLEEP ) SANTA.

( BLEEP ) THE NORTH POLE, MAN.

I WOULD RATHER WORK IN A CHINESEIPHONE FACTORY THAN WORK ANOTHER

DAY FOR THAT DOUCHEBAG.

>> SO ARE YOU A REAL ELF?

>> YEAH.

>> BUT PERHAPS I SHOULDN'T JUDGEA SANTA UNTIL I HAVE WALKED A

MILE IN HIS BUCKLED BOOTS. ANDAS I WAS VISITED BY THREE

CHRISTMAS SPIRITS AND A FEWBUD LIGHT LIMES, IT HAPPENED.

IT'S A MIRACLE, THEY SAY.

MY HEART AND LIVER GREW THREESIZES THAT DAY.

WOW, INTENSE.

AS THE LIQUOR FLOWED AND FLOWED,MY EMPATHY GROWED AND GROWED.

I FINALLY UNDERSTOOD, THE HATREDAND OPPRESSION THESE SANTAS

EXPERIENCED WHEN THEY WERE( BLEEP ) FACED DRUNK IS ALL

TOO REAL, EVEN AT A LOCAL BAR.

>> ONE MORE WHISKEY.

>> IT OPENED MY EYES.

>> SO WHAT.

( BLEEP ) AN ELEVATOR.

DOES THAT MAKE ME A MONSTER?

AM I A MONSTER?

>> YES!

>> ( BLEEP ) YOU.

AND ( BLEEP ) YOU.

( BLEEP ) YOU.

>> SO, KIDS, ON THE NIGHT BEFORECHRISTMAS, BEFORE YOU HANG THE

STOCKINGS WITH CARE, IT WON'TKILL YOU TO TAKE CARE OF PAPA

SANTA.

MAYBE A BURRITO, SOME GO JUICE.

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ME.

HE MIGHT HAVE HAD A ROUGH NIGHT.

>> Jon: VERY NICE. JORDANKLEPPER.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).

>> Jon: WELCOME BACK.

MY GUEST TONIGHT, MAN, THE BEST.

HIS NEW FILM HE WROTE, DIRECTEDAND STARS IN IS CALLED "TOP

FIVE."

>> HIDE THE LIQUOR? LOOK WHO'STALKING.

HIDE THE CRACK.

>> HEY, HOME BOY, WELL THAT WASUNNECESSARY, MAN.

THAT WAS THE 80s.

EITHER YOU WAS USING OR YOUWAS SELLING.

EITHER WAY YOU GOT SWEPT UP INIT.

>> HEY, MAN, I'M BEING NICE. IDIDN'T MENTION THE FIVE GRAND

THAT YOU OWE ME.

>> BUT WHEN I GET MY INCOME TAXCHECK, YOU'RE GONNA GET YOURS

OFF TOP, MY MAN.

>> YOU KNOW WHAT?

YOU HAVE TO HAVE AN INCOME FIRSTBEFORE YOU GET A CHECK.

YOU CAN'T TAX ZERO.

>> IS THIS COME DOWN ON FREDDAY?

>> HE'S ALLERGIC TO JOBS.

HE TAKES JOB BENADRYL. JUST TAKEIT.

WHEN HE FEEL A JOB COMING ON HEJUST TAKE A BENADRYL.

>> Jon: PLEASE WELCOME BACKTO THE PROGRAM, CHRIS ROCK.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )REALLY?

REALLY?

REALLY?

REALLY?

>> YEAH.

>> Jon: PLEASE.

I DIDN'T KNOW YOU HAD ALL THAT.

I DID NOT KNOW YOU HAD THAT.

I DID NOT KNOW YOU HAD ALL THAT.

>> I GOT ALL OF THAT.

AND A LOT MORE.

>> Jon: REALLY?

>> HOW'S IT GOING, MISTER FELLOWBIG-TIME DIRECTOR?

>> Jon: IT'S WELL, MR. FELLOWBIG-TIME DIRECTOR, IT'S GOING

QUITE WELL. CONGRATULATIONS.

>> THANK YOU, SIR.

>> Jon: IT'S -- I'M TELLINGYOU, IT'S-- IT FEELS LIKE-- WHEN

YOU SEE SOMEBODY YOU KNOW ISGREAT AND HAS WORKED FOR MANY

YEARS AND PUT TOGETHER DIFFERENTTHINGS -- IT'S, IT'S LIKE,

AND I FELT THIS WAYABOUT THE SOUTH PARK MUSICAL,

"THE BOOK OF MORMON"LIKE A DOCTORAL THESIS.

LIKE THIS MOVIE FEELS LIKEYOU'RE DOCTORAL THESIS AND

EVERYTHING YOU'VE LEARNED.

IT'S JUST ( BLEEP ) GREAT. IT'SGREAT.

>> AW, THANKS, MAN.

>> Jon: AND SO MUCH FUN TOWATCH.

AND I -- I'M GOING TOSAY SOMETHING.

AND I DON'T MEAN IN THIS IN A --I FELL IN LOVE WITH CHRIS ROCK

ALL OVER AGAIN WHENI WATCHED THAT.

( LAUGHTER ).

>> THANK YOU.

I HOPE WE CAN USE THAT QUOTE,LIKE THEY USED ON "BOOK OF

MORMON."

>> Jon: NO, NO, NO, NO. ICOULDN'T EVEN GET DISCOUNT

TICKETS. EVERY CAB I WENT IN,THERE WAS A QUOTE --

>> "JON STEWART SAYS IT'S THE

BEST PLAY EVER."

I'M LIKE, WHEN DID JON STEWARTBECOME THE PLAY GUY?

( LAUGHTER )WHAT DOES JON STEWART THINK OF

"OKLAHOMA?" I'M LIKE --

>> Jon: YOU KNOW WHAT'S SAD?

SO MY KIDS SEE THAT ON THE TOPOF THE CAB.

>> RIGHT.

>> Jon: AND THEY GO, "OH, CAN WEGO SEE THAT?" AND I'M LIKE, NO.

"YOU SAID IT WAS GREAT."

IT'S, IT'S -- NO.

>> I LIED.

>> Jon: I LIED. IT'S NO GOOD.THERE'S THIS SONG ABOUT --

NO, YOU CAN'T GO.

YOU CAN'T GO.

WHAT IS IT FOR YOU?

WHAT IS THE EXPERIENCE LIKE FORYOU?

YOU KNOW, AS A STAND-UP YOU'REALWAYS IN FRONT OF THE AUDIENCE.

>> YES.

>> Jon: SO YOU NEVERACTUALLY EXPERIENCE YOUR OWN

WORK.

>> I'VE NEVER BEEN TO A CHRISROCK SHOW.

>> Jon: EXACTLY!

>> I HEAR THEY'RE PRETTY GOOD.

( LAUGHTER ).

>> Jon: CAN I TELL YOUSOMETHING?

THEY'RE GREAT.

>> THANK YOU.

>> Jon: A LITTLEOVERPRICED, BUT GREAT.

( LAUGHTER )BUT AS A DIRECTOR, SO YOU GET TO

EXPERIENCE WITH THE AUDIENCEYOUR WORK.

AND AS THAT -- WHAT DOES THATFEEL LIKE IS THERE

IS IT SUBVERSIVE? IS IT WEIRD.

WHAT DOES IT FEEL LIKE?

>> IT'S SUBVERSIVE.

IT'S WEIRD.

IT'S THIS -- I MEAN, YOUKNOW THE THING.

IT'S LIKE YOU'RE A COMEDIAN.

YOU COME UP WITH A JOKE IN THEAFTERNOON.

YOU TELL THE JOKE AT 8:30, 9:00O'CLOCK AT NIGHT, AND YOU GET

IT, IMMEDIATE.>> Jon: YEAH.

AND WHEN YOU'RE DOING A MOVIE,YOU COME UP WITH A JOKE, AND

THEN A YEAR AND A HALF LATER YOUFIND OUT IF IT WORKED OR NOT.

>> Jon: YUP.

>> YOU KNOW, AND IF IT DOESN'TWORK YOU'RE LIKE OH-MY-GOD,

WHAT AM I GOING TO DO.

>> Jon: BUT THERE AREN'T MANYTHAT DON'T WORK IN THERE.

AND ESPECIALLY THE SCENES LIKETHAT ONE, THAT WHERE

PEOPLE AND THE CAMEOS IN IT.

EVERYBODY SCORES IN THIS MOVIEWHICH IS I THINK IS ALMOST

IMPOSSIBLE TO PULL OFF IN A BIGENSEMBLE.

>> SANDLER GETS OFF.>> Jon: SEINFELD GETS OFF.

>> SEINFELD, REALLY -->> Jon: REALLY GETS OFF.

>> SEINFELD GETS SOME BIG --YEAH.

>> BUT THEY ALL DO. ALL THEPERFORMANCES.

AND IT'S DRAMATIC.

LIKE, YOU'VE GOT GEARS, MAN.

YOU'VE GOT GEARS.

>> I'M TRYING, MAN! I'M TRYING!

>> Jon: NO, IT'S, IT'S GOOD. ILIKE IT.

>> ROSARIO DAWSON IS IN THERE

LOOKING FINE.

>> Jon: IT'S AWESOME. ANDYOU KNOW WHAT'S NICE?

SHE'S LOOKING REAL FINE. BUTWHAT'S NICA, AND

BY THE WAY, HE WROTE IN A COUPLEOF SCENES WHERE YOU GET TO--

>> WE MAKE OUT.

>> Jon: PUT YOUR HEADINSIDE OF HER HEAD WITH THE

MOUTH -- BOOM.

>> YEAH.

( LAUGHTER )I GOTTA USE MY SUPER POWERS FOR

GOOD, RIGHT?

( LAUGHTER )YOU KNOW.

I HAD MORE IN THERE BUT SHE TOOKTHEM OUT.

SHE'S LIKE, "WE DON'T NEEDTHIS."

I'M READING THE PAPER.

WHY AM I IN MY PANTIES?

( LAUGHTER )>> Jon: IS IT NICE FOR YOU?

YOU KNOW, I KNOW THERE'S AREAL -- IT'S CHRISTMASTIME.

>> YUP.

>> Jon: THERE'S A REAL HOLEIN THE MOVIE THEATER SCHEDULE

NOW THAT THEY'VE TAKEN AWAY--APPARENTLY THERE'S A MOVIE

THAT'S NOT GOING TO RUN ASPLANNED.

>> REALLY!

>> Jon: DO YOU THINK TOYOURSELF MORE CHEESE FOR ME OR

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

>> I-- I-- YOU KNOW, I'LL SAYTHIS -- MY MOVIE IS VERY KOREAN

FRIENDLY.

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

I-- I-- WE ALMOST DON'T KILLANY KOREANS IN IT.

>> Jon: SO YOU'RE SAYING --

( LAUGHTER )>> OF ALL OF THE MOVIES OUT, WE

KILL THE LEAST AMOUNT OF KOREANSIN OUR MOVIE.

>> Jon: IF YOU'RE GOING TOSEE ANY MOVIE THIS YEAR THAT YOU

THINK COULD HEAL THE DIVIDEBETWEEN NORTH AND SOUTH.

>> I'M JUST SAYING.

>> Jon: IT COULD BE "TOPFIVE."

>> YEAH, YEAH, I MEAN, COME ON.I MEAN, YOU'VE GOT, YOU KNOW,

THE EGYPTIANS ARE WHITE IN"EXODUS."

>> Jon: YEP.

>> ANNIE'S BLACK.

IT'S JUST A WEIRD WORLD RIGHTNOW.

>> Jon: IT'S A WEIRD WORLDRIGHT NOW.

SO "TAKE FIVE"IS REALLY THESAFEST CHRISTMAS MOVIE.

>> YEAH, IT'S THE SAFESTCHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE IS.

IT'S FUN FOR KOREANS.

>> Jon: I CAN VOUCH FORTHAT.

>> YEAH. YEAH.

>> Jon: YOU KNOW WHAT I'M UPSETABOUT?

>> WHAT ARE YOU UPSET ABOUT?

>> Jon: I WRITE A MOVIE( BLEEP ) ALL OVER THE IRANIAN

REGIME, NOTHING. THEY DON'T EVENCARE.

THESE GUYS ARE GETTING ALL THISPUBLICITY.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).

I'VE GOT A WHOLE THING ABOUT--AND IT'S NOT EVEN A COMEDY, IT'S

REAL-- ABOUT THIS WHOLETHING.

THEY HELD THIS GUY INSOLITARY CONFINEMENT, YOU

TREATED HIM LIKE HELL, ANDTHEY'RE LIKE, "YEAH..."

>> THEY'RE LIKE, "YEAH, WE DIDTHAT."

>> Jon: "YEAH, WE DIDTHAT."

NO HACKING. NO THREATS. NONOTHING.

A COUPLE OF THINGS LIKE --OH YEAH, ZIONIST.

LIKE EVEN HALF-HEARTED. LIKE EH,WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO?

>> I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE "THEINTERVIEW."

>> Jon: WHEN ARE WE -- DO YOUTHINK IT WILL COME OUT?

DO YOU THINK IT WILL?

>> OH IT WILL COME OUT.

>> Jon: IT HAS TO, RIGHT?

>> YES, OF COURSE, IT WILL COMEOUT.

>> Jon: WHY DON'T THEY JUSTRELEASE IT?

>> YOU CAN BUY IT ON 125thSTREET RIGHT NOW.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )>> Jon: HOW DO YOU THINK IT

WOULD BE IF KIM JONG UN SHOWEDUP ON 125th STREET AND WAS JUST

LIKE, "PUT THAT DOWN!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"THAT'S AWESOME.

I'M SO GLAD FOR YOU.

IT'S A GREAT MOVIE.

AND CONGRATULATIONS.

YOU GOT THE NEXT ONE COOKEDUP?

>> I'M WORKING ON IT.

I'M TRYING TO WRITE SOMESTAND-UP MAN.

I GOTTA GET OUT THERE.

>> Jon: YEAH, YOU REALLYNEED TO WORK ON THAT.

>> YEAH.

>> Jon: IT'S GONNA BE AWESOME.

"TOP FIVE" IT'S IN THETHEATERS NOW, CHRIS ROCK.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )>> Jon: HEY, THAT'S THE SHOW,

EVERYBODY.

BEFORE WE GO, OBVIOUSLY AS WEALWAYS DO, WE CHECK IN WITH OUR

FRIEND STEPHEN COLBERT AT THETHE "COLBERT REPORT."

HEY STEPHEN, I AM EXCITED FORYOUR SHOW TONIGHT.

HOW ARE YOU FEELING?

>> Stephen: I'M ALWAYS EXCITED,JON.

>> Jon: RIGHT. BUT, I MEAN,TONIGHT'S A VERY SPECIAL SHOW.

VERY EXCITING SHOW.

>> Stephen: I LIKE TO THINKEVERY SHOW IS SPECIAL, JON.

IT'S A LITTLE SOMETHING CALLEDPROFESSIONALISM.

>> Jon: WELL, OBVIOUSLY YOU'RENOT READY TO SHARE ANY

FEELINGS YET. I UNDERSTAND.

>> Stephen: WHAT FEELINGS, JON?

I'M AN EMOTIONLESS, IGNEOUSNEWS ROCK.

>> Jon: ALRIGHT, WELL, I JUSTWANTED TO SAY,

HAVE A GREAT SHOW.

AND ARE YOU READY?

>> Stephen: I'M MORE THAN READY,JON.

IN FACT, JIMMY?

GRAB IT.

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