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May 14, 2015 - Rebel Wilson

  • Episode: 20107
  • Views: 290,659

Jeb Bush beats around the bush regarding the Iraq War and his candidacy, Lewis Black reports on several Nazi-related stories, and Rebel Wilson discusses "Pitch Perfect 2." (21:30)

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

>> Jon: WELCOME TO "THE DAILYSHOW."

MY NAME IS JON STEWART.

WE'VE GOT A SHOW FOR YOUTONIGHT.

MY GUEST REBEL WILSON ON HERTOUR FOR "PITCH PERFECT 2".

BUT FIRST, WE ALL KNOW THAT JEBBUSH-- A.K.A.THE CUTE ONE-- IS

PROBABLY RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT.

AND WE ALL KNOW IF YOU END UPRUNNING FOR PRESIDENT THERE YOU

END UP MEETING AMERICANS.

>> AFTER A TOWN HALL MEETING INRENO, NEVADA, HE WAS CONFRONTED,

THIS TIME BY A 19-YEAR-OLDCOLLEGE STUDENT AND A DEMOCRAT.

>> YOUR BROTHER CREATED ISIS.

>> IS THAT YOUR QUESTION?

>> YOU DON'T NEED TO BE PEDANTICTO ME, SIR.

>> Jon: OH, SNAP!

THAT IS-- I CAN'T EVEN BELIEVE--THAT IS SO--

( LAUGHTER )PEDESTRIAN.

HA!

WELL HANDLED, JEB.

THAT'S ACTUALLY BETTER THANDUBYA WOULD HAVE DONE.

HE WOULD HAVE JUST GIVEN HER ANICKNAME AND DISAPPEARED IN A

CLOUD OF MOUNTAIN BIKE DUST.

I'M GOING TO CALL YOU ROOSTERBECAUSE YOU'RE FEISTY AND GOT

RED HAIR NOW WATCH ME BIKE.

YOU KNOW, THE WHOLE REASON THISCAME UP IS A QUESTION JEB BUSH

GOT EARLIER THIS WEEK WHENFROM WHAT HE PROBABLY

THOUGHT WAS A FRIENDLY FORUM.

>> ON THE SUBJECT OF IRAQ.>> YUP.

>> OBVIOUSLY, VERYCONTROVERSIAL, KNOWING WHAT WE

KNOW NOW, WOULD YOU HAVEAUTHORIZED THE INVASION?

>> Jon: DAMN! YOU'VE GOT ALLPEDANTIC AND ( BLEEP ).

YOU JUST TOOK HIS BROTHER'SDEFINING LEGACY, PLACED IT IN

FRONT OF HIM ON A DISH, ANDINVITED HIM TO ( BLEEP ) ALL

OVER IT.

( LAUGHTER )OH, MEGYN, WE COULD HAVE BEEN

SUCH FRIENDS, YOU AND I.

IMAGINE WHAT A TREMENDOUS TEAMWE MIGHT HAVE MADE.

( LAUGHTER )IF WE DIDN'T FUNDAMENTALLY

DISAGREE ON ALMOST EVERYTHING.

STILL, WE'LL ALWAYS HAVE JEB.

>> I WOULD HAVE, AND SO WOULDHAVE HILLARY CLINTON, JUST TO

REMIND EVERYBODY, AND SO WOULDHAVE ALMOST EVERYBODY THAT WAS

CONFRONTED WITH THE INTELLIGENCETHEY GOT.

>> IT WAS GREAT, IT WAS ALITTLE DEFENSIVE AND THERE WAS

THE ISSUE OF JEB CONVENIENTLYIGNORING MEGYN SAYING,

"KNOWING WHAT WE KNOW NOW."

IN MUCH THE SAME WAY HIS BROTHERIGNORED HANS BLIX SAYING WE

HAVE NO EVIDENCE OF W.M.D.s.

IT'S A SMALL PROBLEM. PROBABLYSHOULD ADDRESS IT.

>> AFTER BACKLASH FROM DEMOCRATSAND REPUBLICANS ALIKE, HE SAID

HE MISINTERPRETED THE QUESTION.

>> WHATEVER I HEARD, IT WASTRANSLATED, "KNOWING WHAT YOU

KNEW THEN, WHAT WOULD DO YOU."

>> IN 20-20 HINDSIGHT YOU WOULDMACK A DIFFERENT DECISION.

>> YEAH, I DON'T KNOW WHAT THATDECISION WOULD HAVE BEEN, THAT'S

A HYPOTHETICAL, BUT THE SIMPLEFACT IS MISTAKES WERE MADE,

AS THEY ALWAYS ARE IN LIFE.

>> Jon: MISTAKES ARE ALWAYSMADE IN LIFE LIKE WHEN YOU'RE

YOUNG AND FOOLISH AND ALONE OUTIN THE FIELDS ON A HOT SUMMER

NIGHT AND YOU PROMISE YOURBROTHER HE CAN BE PRESIDENT

FIRST IF HE JUST HELPS YOU BURYTHE BODY AND NEVER SAYS A WORD.

I'M SORRY, WHAT-- WHAT WAS THE--OH!

YOU HAVE CORRECTLY IDENTIFIEDRECEIVING A HYPOTHETICAL

QUESTION, ALSO KNOWN AS BEING INPOLITICS.

GIVE US AN ANSWER!

>> I ADMIRE THE MEN AND WOMEN,MOSTLY MEN, THAT MADE THE

ULTIMATE SACRIFICE.

( LAUGHTER )>> Jon: THAT WAS WEIRD.

>> SO GOING BACK IN TIME ANDTALKING ABOUT HYPOTHETICAL, WHAT

WOULD HAVE HAPPENED WHAT, COULDHAVE HAPPEN, I THINK DOES A

DISSERVICE FOR THEM.

>> Jon: GOING OVER OURMISTAKES IS A DISSERVICE TO THE

SOLDIERS.

UM, LET'S JUST SAY WHEREDISCUSSING MAJOR WAR POLICY

BLUNDERS FALSE ON THE LIST OFDISSERVICE TO IRAQ WAR TROOPS.

LET'S SEE, WE'VE GOT UNNEEDEDWAR, NO EXIT STRATEGY,

NO BODY ARMOR, NO HUMVEE ARMOR,YOU GOT GO TO WAR WITH THE

ARMY YOU HAVE, STOP-LOSS ORDERS,IGNORING GENERAL,

NO POSTWAR PLAN, STARS ANDSTRIPES -- KEEP IT GOING.

DA-DI-DA-DI-DA!

ARMY THEME PRONO GETS UNIFORMSWRONG,

LEARNING FROM PAST MISTAKESYES, IT'S AROUND 355.

( APPLAUSE )SO PLAYING DEAF, HIDING BEHIND

THE TROOPS, OBVIOUSLYVERY PRESIDENTIAL.

TAKE ANOTHER SWING, JEB.

>> GIVEN THE POWER OF LOOKINGBACK AND HAVING THAT, OF COURSE,

ANYBODY WOULD HAVE MADEDIFFERENT DECISIONS.

>> Jon: YEAH, BUT THAT COULDMEAN ANYTHING!

DIFFERENT DECISION COULD MEAN, IMEAN, THAT

"MISSION ACCOMPLISHED" BANNER.

I WOULD HAVE MADE IT BIGGER.

I MEAN, COME ON, NOBODY COULDSEE IT.

ONE LAST TRY, JEB.

BRING IT HOME.

>> IF WE'RE ALL SUPPOSED TOANSWER HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS,

KNOWING WHAT WE KNOW NOW, WHATWOULD YOU HAVE DONE,

I WOULD HAVE NOT ENGAGED-- IWOULD NOT HAVE GONE INTO IRAQ.

>> Jon: THANK YOU.

( LAUGHTER )WAS THAT SO HARD, AND DID YOU

HAVE TO SAY IT WITH A TONE THATIMPLIED YOU WOULD END THAT

SENTENCE WITH, "OKAY ( BLEEP )."

( LAUGHTER )BUT SO WHAT IF JEB'S ANSWER TO,

"WOULD DO YOU IRAQ AGAIN" HADMORE SEQUELS THAN "STAR TREK,"

"MADDEN FOOTBALL," AND "KNOCKIN'NURSES" SERIES COMBINED.

( LAUGHTER )I'VE ACTUALLY ONLY SEEN ONE OF

THOSE.

( LAUGHTER )IT'S NOT LIKE JEB'S ACTUALLY

RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT.

>> LAST QUESTION ABOUT YOURCAMPAIGN.

CAN YOU GET IT GOING AGAIN?

>> I THINK EVERYBODY NEEDS TOTAKE A CHILL PILL ON THE POLLS.

I'M NOT A CANDIDATE YET.

>> Jon: OH, YOU'RE NOT ACANDIDATE YET.

TOTALLY NOT A CANDIDATE.

THERE'S SURELY A PERFECTLY GOODREASON WHY, THEN, IF YOU'RE NOT

A CANDIDATE YOU SET UP ATRADITIONAL PAC, A SUPERPAC

THAT'S POISED TO RAISE $100MILLION BY THE END OF MAY.

A NONPROFIT TO RAISE SECRETMONEY.

THAT YOU'VE GONE TO EVENTS INNEW HAMPSHIRE, AND IOWA,

AND NEVADA.

YOU PLANNED A COMMENCEMENTSPEECH AT A SCHOOL SO CHRISTIAN

STUDENTS ARE BANNED FROM APREMARITAL BOOK SHARING.

GAVE A FOREIGN POLICY ADDRESS TOTHE CHICAGO COUNCIL OF

GLOBAL AFFAIRS, GONE TOC-PAC, AN N.R.A. CONVENTION,

ASSEMBLED ANADVISORY TEAM AND-- AND SET UP

HEADQUARTERS IN MIAMI.

MAYBE JEB JUST HAPPENS TO BE AGUY WITH THE MOST BORING BUCKET

LIST EVER.

( LAUGHTER )"I DON'T WANT TO DIE WITH NEVER

HAVING SET FOOT IN THE CHICAGOCOUNCIL OF GLOBAL AFFAIRS."

OR MAYBE, JUST MAYBE, HE'SRUNNING FOR PRESIDENT.

WHAT'S SO HARD WITH JUST SAYINGYOU'RE RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT?

>> THERE IS A LEGAL REASON JEBBUSH HAS TO BE VERY CAREFUL

NOT TO SAY HE'S RUNNING FORPRESIDENT AND THAT IS ONCE

SOMEBODY IS A CANDIDATETHEY'RE SUBJECT TO VERY STRICT

RULES, WOLF, ESPECIALLY WHEN ITCOMES TO RAISING MONEY AND

COMMUNICATION WITH SUPERPAC.

>> Jon: ONCE YOU ANNOUNCEYOU'RE RUNNING ARE YOU NOT

ALLOWED TO COORDINATE WITH YOURSUPERPACS SO YOU HAVE TO TELL

PEOPLE, THE VOTERS, YOU'RE NOTRUNNING.

I GUESS IT'S BETTER TO RUN FORPRESIDENT AND PRETEND YOU'RE NOT

THAN TO ILLEGALLY COORDINATEWITH YOUR SUPERPAC AND PRETEND

YOU'RE NOT.

( LAUGHTER )BAUSE THE FIRST RULE OF POLITICS

IS YOU CAN LIE TO PEOPLE, FUTBUT DON'T EVER LIE TO YOUR

MONEY.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).

>> Jon: WELCOME BACK.

WHEN A STORY FALLS THROUGH THECRACKS, LEWIS BLACK CATCHES IT

IN A SEGMENT WE CALL"BACK IN BLACK."

>> LAST WEEK MARKED THE 70thANNIVERSARY OF OUR VICTORY OVER

NAZI GERMANY.

A MOMENT CAPTURED BY THISICONIC PHOTOGRAPH OF CAPTAIN

AMERICA PUNCHING HITLER IN THEFACE.

THE POINT IS, WE BEAT THE NAZIS.

SO WHY DO WE STILL HAVE THEMGOOSESTEPPING THROUGH OUR NEWS?

>> THE PUBLISHING COMPANY RANDOMHOUSE IS BEING SUED BY THE

ESTATE OF ADOLF HITLER'SPROPAGANDA MINISTER JOSEPH

GOEBBELS.

THE COMPANY WANTS TO PUBLISH ANEW BIOGRAPHY OF GOEBBELS BUT IS

REFUSING TO PAY FOR THE USE OFEXTRACTS FROM HIS DIARIES.

>> FIRST OF ALL, HOW DOES JOSEPHGOEBBELS HAVE AN ESTATE?

I DON'T HAVE AN ESTATE?

I'VE WORKED THE ROAD FOR DECADESBUSTING MY ASS TO ENTERTAIN

AMERICA, AND ALL I HAVE TO SHOWFOR IT IS 10 COUPONS FOR

CHICK-FIL-A AND A PILE OFSTOLEN SKYMALL CATALOGS.

AND WHO IN THEIR RIGHT MINDCOMES OUT OF ANONYMITY TO GO,

"HEY! IT'S US, THE GIRLS."

PAY US OUR HISTORICAL DUES!

>> WHEN YOUR ORGANIZATION WASCONTACTED BY THE LAW FIRM

REPRESENTING THE FAMILY SAYING,"WE WANT ROYALTIES" WHAT GOES

THROUGH YOUR MIND AT THAT POINT?

>> TO BE HONEST, I THOUGHT THATWAS A JOKE.

>> TO BE FAIR TO HIM, GERMANSHAVE NO IDEA WHAT A JOKE IS.

THEY FIND LAUGHTER INEFFICIENT.

NOW RANDOM HOUSE NEEDS TO LEARNTHAT ANY TIME YOU MIX NAZIS AND

COMMERCE, THINGS GO BAD.

JUST ASK MATTEL, WHICH HAD TOAPOLOGIZE TO THE POLISH

GOVERNMENT FOR REFERRING TOOCCUPIED POLAND AS NAZI POLAND

IN THEIR FUN-FILLED FAMILY CARDGAME "APPLES TO APPLES."

MATTEL FIXED THE TYPO BUT THEYKEPT THE "SCHINDLER'S LIST"

CARD.

THAT'S REAL!

WHICH RAISES THE QUESTION WHY ISTHIS APPLE SO DAMN HAPPY ABOUT

"SCHINDLER'S LIST?"WRONG EMOTION, FRUIT!

TOO SOON!

( APPLAUSE )AND-- AND SPEAKING OF TOO SOON,

HERE'S SOMETHING THAT'S NOT.

>> A FORMER NAZI GUARD ISADMITTING HE FEELS MORAL GUILT

AND IS ASKING FORGIVENESS AT HISTRIAL IN GERMANY.

>> HE'S CHARGED WITH ACCESSORYTO 300,000 MURDERS AT AUSCHWITZ.

>> GROENING IS NOW 93 YEARS OLD.

>> 93?

I NEVER THOUGHT I'D SAY THESEWORDS, BUT THAT NAZI LOOKS

GREAT!

( LAUGHTER )NOW, HOW ARE THERE SO MANY

90-YEAR-OLD NAZIS STILL KICKINGAROUND, ANYWAY?

IS RACE HATRED A PRESERVATIVE?

HOLLYWOOD STARS ARE SHOOTINGTHEMSELVES FULL OF BOTOX WHEN

ALL THEY REALLY NEED IS 12 CC'SOF ANTI-SEMITISM.

THOUGH THAT DOESN'T EXPLAEN WHYMEL GIBSON LOOKS LIKE [BLEEP]

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )HOW DID THEY FINALLY NAB HIM?

LET ME GUESS.

INTREPID NAZI HUNTERS TRACKEDHIM THROUGH THE AMAZON FOR 40

YEARS.

>> HE SPOKE TO THE BBC, IN ADOCUMENTARY IN 2005, WHERE AGAIN

HE WAS VERY OPEN ABOUT WHATHAPPENED AND THIS IS WHAT HAS

SORT OF INDIRECTLY LED TO THISTRIAL.

>> HE ADMITTED HIS GUILT IN ADOCUMENTARY 10 YEARS AGO?

WELL, THAT EXPLAINS HOW THEYMISSED IT.

NOBODY GETS TO THE DOCUMENTARIESIN THEIR NETFLIX QUEUE.

I WOULD LOVE TO LEARN ABOUTHISTORY, BUT THERE'S A NEW

SEASON OF "HOUSE OF CARDS."

THAT'S MY WEEKEND!

SO THE EVIL ACCOUNTANT ISFINALLY GETTING WHAT HE

DESERVES-- AN EMBARRASSING COURTAPPEARANCE AT THE END OF A LONG,

FULL, UNINCARCERATED LIFE.

AT LEAST HE'LL FINALLY HAVE TOFACE THE PEOPLE HE HURT, AND

THAT'S GOING TO SUCK FOR MIM.

>> AMONG HIS PRISONERS WERE10-YEAR-OLD TWINS EVA AND MIRIAM

MOSES.

TODAY, EVA, THE SURVIVOR, NOWLIVING IN INDIANA, CONFRONTED

GROENING ABOUT WHAT HE KNEW.

>> YES, AT LAST, SWEET, SWEETREVENGE SERVED VERY, VERY COLD.

>> CONFRONTED HIM ABOUT WHAT HEKNEW AND FORGAVE HIM.

>> I DON'T WANT HIM IN JAIL.

HE'S 93 YEARS OLD.

I DO LIKE THE FACT THAT HE HASSOME CONSCIENCE.

>> THAT'S IT?

I GOTTA SAY, THAT WOMAN IS ABETTER PERSON THAN I AM BECAUSE

IF I MET A NAZI WHO HELPED KILLMY FAMILY, I'D TAKE HIS

( BLEEP ) NUT SACK, WRAPPED ITAROUND HIS NECK, PULLED IT

DOWN, SHOVED IT UP HIS ASS, ANDMADE IT COME OUT OF HIS PEE PEE

HOLE, THEN I'D TIE IT INTO THESHAPE OF A STAR OF DAVID LIKE A

BALLOON ANIMAL.

I ALSO DO BAR MITZVAHS.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )JON.

>> Jon: LEWIS BLACK, EVERYBODY.WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK!

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )>> Jon: WELCOME BACK.

MY GUEST TONIGHT GOT A NEWFILM OUT CALLED

"PITCH PERFECT 2".

>> YOU'RE BECCA EFFING MITCHELL,OKAY?

YOU'RE THE BIG B.M., THAT'S YOU.

AND YOU'RE AWESOME!

DO YOU NEED SOME OF MYCONFIDENCE, BECAUSE I COULD

MAYBE TURN MY DOWN A NOTCH.

>> YEAH, OKAY.

>> ALL RIGHT, LET ME RUB SOMEOUT.

>> OH, OKAY.

>> WAIT.

I THINK YOU NEED A BIT MORE.

>> IT COMES FROM THERE??"OKAY, THANK YOU.

>> YOU JUST NEED THAT.

I'M GOING TO GET YOU THE GOODSTUFF NOW.

>> NO, I DON'T WANT BUTTCONFIDENCE.

I DON'T WANT YOUR BUTTCONFIDENCE!

>> YOU JUST NEED, YOU JUST NEED--

>> NO!

I HAVE ENOUGH! I HAVE ENOUGH!

>> Jon: I'VE DONE THAT TOPEOPLE.

PLEASE WELCOME TO THE PROGRAMREBEL WILSON! HELLO!

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )>> HI!

>> Jon: NICE TO SEE YOU.

>> YEAH!

NICE TO BE HERE.

IT'S A REAL PRIVILEGE TO GET TOCOME ON BEFORE YOU GO...

( CLUCKS ).

>> Jon: I'M NOT BEING SENTTO A FARM UPSTATE.

I'M JUST -- I'M LEAVING.

>> YEAH.

>> Jon: I'M GOING-- BUTI'LL STILL BE ALIVE.

AND YOU CAN VISIT ME IN LIFE.

>> OKAY, YEAH, ALL RIGHT.

>> Jon: AND WE CAN TALK

WHAT MOVIE YOU'RE WORKING ONTHEN.

>> YEAH. "PITCH PERFECT 8."

>> Jon: HOW MANY -- YOU HAVEBEEN DOING, YOU'RE AT THE END

OF YOUR PUBLICITY.

THIS IS IT?

>> YEAH, I MEAN, WE'VE BEEN ALLAROUND THE WORLD.

YEAH AND THE MOVIE COMES OUT INAMERICA TOMORROW.

>> Jon: HAS IT BEEN OUT INTHE REST OF THE WORLD?

>> WELL, IT'S COME OUT INAUSTRALIA.

>> Jon: YEAH.

>> SMASHED IT.

>> Jon: YOU SMASHED IT INAUSTRALIA?

>> YEAH, YEAH. LUCKILY.

>> Jon: THAT'S YOUR HOME,THAT'S YOUR HOME CONTINENT.

>> YEAH.

>> Jon: AND DID YOU HAVE TODO A LARGE AMOUNT OF PROMOTION

THERE AS WELL?

>> YEAH.

AND MY GRANDPARENTS THEY BOUGHTA LOT OF TICKETS.

>> Jon: NOW, YOU-- BUT YOURFAMILY THERE IS A-- IS A

VENERATED AUSTRALIAN FAMILY.

YOU COME FROM A LONG LINE OF DOGSHOW TRAINERS.

>> YES, VERY PRESTIGIOUS LINE OFDOG SHOWERS.

>> Jon: VERY PRESTIGIOUS.

>> YEAH.

>> Jon: IS THAT A BUSINESSTHAT YOU GOT INTO AS WELL?

>> WELL, THANK GOD, NO.

( LAUGHTER )MY GREAT-GRANDMOTHER STARTED THE

BEAGLE CLUB OF AUSTRALIA.

SO MY FAMILY IS VERY INTO DOGS.

THERE'S A LOT OF TALK ABOUTBITCHES IN MY HOUSE, BECAUSE

THAT IS, LIKE, THE CORRECT TERMFOR A FEMALE DOG.

>> Jon: SURE.

>> YOU KNOW, YOU CAN WIN BESTBITCH, BITCH CHALLENGE AT THE

DOG SHOWS.

AND THERE WAS-- I'M A BITSCARRED BECAUSE SOMETIMES IN MY

CHILDHOOD I WOULD GO INTO THEGARAGE AND THERE WOULD BE A DOG

MATING GOING ON.

>> Jon: IS THAT A SCHEDULEDTHING OR JUST-- JUST A RANDOM

DOG MATING?

>> IT'S LIKE, SOMEONE'S COMEFROM ENGLAND WITH THEIR, LIKE,

SUPER-STUD DOG, AND THEY NEED TOMATE IN MY PARENT'S GARAGE.

( LAUGHTER )AND THEN I WITNESSED IT.

IT'S, LIKE, THE ODDEST THINGEVER.

>> Jon: DO THEY SET IT UPNICE FOR THEM OR IS IT LIKE-- DO

THEY MATE BY, LIKE THE OLD GASCANS?

>> THERE'S NO SHAG CLUB, NO.

>> Jon: THEY DON'TPUT UP PICTURES OF LASSIE OR TRY

TO DO SOMETHING?

>> NO IT'S JUST, LIKE, THE TWODOGS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE

GARAGE, AND JUST LIKE A COUPLEOF ADULTS GOING, COME ON.

( LAUGHTER ).

>> Jon: AND REALLY NOTENCOURAGING AT ALL, LIKE-- IT

WOULD BE NICE IF THEY HAD, LIKE,A LIVER INCENSE CANDLE.

>> YEAH, MAYBE PLAYED"LADY AND THE TRAMP" ON TV FOR

THEM OR SOMETHING.

>> Jon: YES. OR WHAT WOULD BECONSIDERED-- HOW LONG?

ARE THEY STILL IN THIS BUSINESS?>> YEAH.

>> Jon: AND HOW OFTEN DO PEOPLESHOW UP AT YOUR HOUSE

WITH DOGS AND JUST BE LIKE, "CANWE USE THE GARAGE?"

( LAUGHTER )LIKE HOW -- LIKE, WHAT KIND OF--

>> YEAH, I MEAN, MY MOM'S NOW ANINTERNATIONAL DOG SHOW JUDGE.

SO SHE'S TRAVELS AROUND THEWORLD, UM, YOU KNOW, FEELING UP

DOG BALLS AND STUFF, BECAUSETHAT IS PART OF IT.

( LAUGHTER )>> Jon: RIGHT.

>> BECAUSE YOU HAVE TO CHECK ALLASPECTS OF THE DOGS.

>> Jon: OR SO SHE TELLS YOU.

( LAUGHTER )DID YOU-- YOU-- DID YOU

FIND THAT INTERESTING?

DID YOU WANT TO DO THAT? DID YOUEVER --

>> I'M ACTUALLY ALLERGIC TODOGS, SO --

I KNOW.>> Jon: WAIT A MINUTE! WAIT!

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

>> Jon: SO NOT ONLY ARE YOUFORCED TO WITNESS THEM MATE.

>> YEAH, I KNOW!

>> Jon: YOUR ENTIRE HOUSE ISLIKE AN ASTHMATIC NIGHTMARE.

>> YEAH. YEAH.

AND I ALWAYS KNEWSOMETHING WASN'T RIGHT.

I'M LIKE...

( LAUGHTER )CONSTANTLY AS A CHILD JUST

WALKING AROUND GOING... LIKETHAT.

AND I ONLY FOUND OUT TWO YEARSAGO THAT I WAS ALLERGIC TO DOGS.

( LAUGHTER )YEAH.

>> Jon: YOUR PARENTS NEVERGOT YOU CHECKED?

>> NO!

AUSTRALIANS ARE JUST NOT FUSSYABOUT STUFF.

( LAUGHTER )THEY'RE LIKE, "OH, SHE'LL BE ALL

RIGHT.

GIVE HER A CHOCOLATE."

( LAUGHTER )

>> Jon: THAT'S MY FAVORITETHING!

I REMEMBER HER IS THAT

SHE WAS AN INTERNATIONAL DOGJUDGE.

YOU'RE ALLERGIC TO DOGS.

>> YEAH.

>> Jon: AND THEY'RE LIKE SHE'LLBE FINE.

>> YEAH.

>> Jon: WELL, THE MOVIE WASGREAT.

YOU STEAL EVER SCENE YOU'RE IN.

>> AW, THANKS.

>> Jon: I JUST LOVE WATCHING YOUON THE SCREEN.

>> AWW.

>> Jon: "PITCH PERFECT 2" ISGOING TO BE IN THE

THEATERS TOMORROW.

YOU'RE GOING TO SMASH IT HERE,TOO.

YOU'RE GONNA SMASH IT INAUSTRALIA.

ALL OVER THE WORLD.

VERY NICE TO SEEYOU.

REBEL WILSON, EVERYBODY.

>> THANKS FOR HAVING ME, JON!

>> Jon: STOP IT!

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

>> Jon: HEY, EVERYBODY,WELCOME BACK.

THIS IS OUR LAST SHOW UNTIL --WE'RE OFF ALL NEXT WEEK.

AND NEXT WEEK-->> Audience: OOOH!

>> Jon: REALLY?

HOW MUCH ENTERTAINMENT DO YOUPEOPLE NEED?

WE'RE OFF ALL NEXT WEEK, SO WEWILL MISS ON WEDNESDAY NIGHT,

A YOUNG MAN NAMED DAVIDLETTERMAN, WILL BE SIGNING OFF

FROM HIS PROGRAM.

WE WILL NOT BE HERE FOR THAT,AND I JUST WANTED TO SAY WHAT A

REMARKABLE HONOR IT HAS BEEN FORME TO HAVE GONE ON HIS SHOW.

HE WAS FOR ME-- AND I THINK MANYCOMICS IN MY GENERATION-- AN

INCREDIBLE EPIPHANY OF HOW ATALK SHOW-- OR HOW

ENTERTAINMENT, OR HOW TELEVISION-- FOR GOD'S SAKE, THE MAN PUT A

CAMERA ON A MONKEY.

IT SEEMS SO SIMPLE NOW!

( LAUGHTER )BUT BACK THEN, IT WAS MIND

BLOWING.

AND I USED TO WATCH THAT SHOWSINCE THE EARLY 80s, AND JUST

FELL IN LOVE WITH THE JOY THATTHEY HAD AND THAT THEY BROUGHT.

THERE ARE SO FEW PEOPLE THAT CANINNOVATE THAT FORMAT AND THEN TO

HAVE THE THE KIND OF LONGEVITY--TO BE AN INNOVATOR WITH

LONGEVITY IS-- I MEAN, DAMN, THELIST IS, I THINK, DAVE.

I THINK THE LIST IS DAVE.

LORNE, ON A WHOLE OTHER THING,BUT DAVE AS A PERFORMER.

ON A PERSONAL NOTE, I HAD A SHOWVERY SIMILAR TO HIS THAT DID NOT

SHARE EITHER THE INNOVATION PARTOR CERTAINLY THE LONGEVITY PART

( LAUGHTER )AND DAVE LETTERMAN WAS KIND

ENOUGH TO COME TO OUR FINALBROADCAST AND BE THE GUEST, AND

HE SINGLEHANDEDLY TURNED WHATWAS A FUNERIAL ATMOSPHERE INTO A

CELEBRATION JUST BY HISPRESENCE.

HE LIFTED ALL OF OUR SPIRITS,AND HE SAID TO ME-- I'LL NEVER

FORGET-- "DO NOT CONFUSECANCELLATION WITH FAILURE."

AND I THANK HIM FOR ALL THEAMAZING YEARS OF TELEVISION AND

FOR THAT WONDERFUL PIECE OFADVICE.

SO CHEERS TO YOU.

GODSPEED, YOUNG MAN.

HERE IT IS, YOUR MOMENT OF ZEN.

>> YOU KNOW, IF THEY WANTED THEYCOULD ARREST ME.

I SCREWED UP THE ACADEMY AWARDS.

IS THAT A VIOLATION.

THEY COULD ARREST ME, AND SO ITOOK A COUPLE OF DAYS AND

THOUGHT, ALL RIGHT, I SCREWEDUP THE ACADEMY AWARDS.

I DON'T CARE.

( LAUGHTER )AND NOW, I SCREWED UP THE

ACADEMY AWARDS, AND I COULDN'TBE MORE PROUD.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

>> WELL, CONGRATULATIONS TO YOU.

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