June 23, 2014 - Bill Maher

  • Episode: 19123 | 
  • Views: 367,818

President Obama sends military advisors to Iraq, an Egyptian court convicts three well-respected journalists, and Bill Maher talks politics and the New York Mets. 

>> Jon: WELCOME TO "THE DAILYSHOW."

MY NAME IS JON STEWART.

A GOOD SHOW TONIGHT.

OUR GUEST TONIGHT, OUR GUESTTONIGHT THE GREAT BILL MAHER.

BILL MAHER WILL BE JOINING US.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]BUT FIRST, WE TURN TO THE MIDDLE

EAST, WHERE A GROUP OF SUNNIISLAMIST MILITANTS HAVE FORMED

A NATION START-UP LOOKING TOGAIN MARKET SHARE IN IRAQ.

THE GROUP IS CALLED ISIS, NOT TOBE CONFUSED WITH THEIR EARLY

'90s INCARNATION, VANILLAISIS.

[LAUGHTER]ANYWAY, THE IRAQI GOVERNMENT HAS

NOW HAD A COUPLE OF WEEKS TORESPOND TO THE REBELS'

INCURSION. WE SHOULD BEGETTING NEWS OF THE

IRAQI GOVERNMENT'S TRIUMPHRIGHT ABOUT NOW.

>> ISIS MILITANTS CONTROL THEBORDER AREA WITH SYRIA, THE

BORDER AREA WITH JORDAN ANDPRETTY MUCH EVERYTHING IN

BETWEEN.

>> Jon: RIGHT ABOUT NOW.

[LAUGHTER]WAIT!

DID YOU JUST BLOW PASTEVERYTHING IN BETWEEN?

DID YOU JUST YADDA, YADDA THEINVASION?

YEAH, ISIS CAME IN FROM SYRIA,STARTED SWEEPING EAST, YADDA,

YADDA, YADDA, THE U.N. NOWRECOGNIZES THE ISLAMIC REPUBLIC

OF ISIS.

LOOK, ISIS RUNNING AN ENTIRECOUNTRY, IT SEEMS LIKE FUN,

GUYS, BUT I THINK YOU'RE GOINGTO LEARN, RUNNING A

COUNTRY IS NOT ASEASY AS IT SOUNDS.

>> ISIS MILITANTS TRYING TO TAKEOVER A HYDRO-ELECTRIC DAM.

>> PROVIDING SOCIAL SERVICESLIKE FIXING POT HOLES AND

INVESTING IN ELECTRICITY.

>> ON THE STREETS OF MOSUL, ISISMILITANTS NOW DIRECT TRAFFIC.

[LAUGHTER]>> Jon: ALL RIGHT.

FIRST OF ALL, MY GUESS IS THATDUDE IS NOT THE TOP JIHADI.

I'M SURE THE LEADER'S LIKE, YOU,GRAB YOUR GROUP, YOU'RE GONNA

MOVE DOWN TOWARDS BAGHDAD.

YOU, SEIZE THE REFINERIES.

JIMMY, MAKE SURE NO ONE BLOCKSTHE BOX.

AS YOU KNOW, FOR QUITE A FEWYEARS THE FLOW OF IRAQI TRAFFIC

WAS OUR JOB.

AND IF YOU THINK WE'RE JUSTGOING TO SIT HERE AND LET

ISLAMIST RADICALS RECALIBRATETHE "WALK", "DON'T WALK" SIGNS,WELL,

LISTEN UP, MISTER, YOU GOTANOTHER THING COMING.

>> PRESIDENT OBAMA IS SENDING ASMALL GROUP OF AMERICAN FORCES

INTO IRAQ, UP TO 275 TROOPS.

>> Jon: 275 TROOPS...

[LAUGHTER]NOW, THERE IS AN EFFECTIVE

NUMBER OF TROOPS TO FIGHT ANINVADING FORCE IN THAT PART OF

THE WORLD, BUT IT AIN'T 275.

[LAUGHTER]>> PRESIDENT OBAMA PLANS TO SEND

300 U.S. MILITARY ADVISERS TOIRAQ.

>> Jon: THAT'S WHAT I'MTALKING ABOUT.

300 IS THE EXACT NUMBER OFTROOPS.

NOT ONE LESS.

NOT ONE MORE.

299 YOU LEAVE A GAP.

301 THEY'RE TRIPPING OVER EACHOTHER'S ABS.

300!

WE HAVE ARRIVED.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]SO AMERICA ONCE AGAIN BEING

DRAWN INTO THE INSTABILITY OFTHAT REGION, WHICH MEANS IT'S

ONLY MATTER OF TIME BEFORE --[DARTH VADER THEME MUSIC

PLAYING]THERE HE IS, AMERICA'S TRAGEDY

HERPE, DICK CHENEY.

ALL RIGHT.

DICK CHENEY, TELL US HOW WE'VEDONE EVERYTHING WRONG SINCE YOU

LEFT OFFICE, AND IF YOU WOULD,DO IT FROM IN FRONT OF A SEARS

PORTRAIT STUDIO BACK DROP WHILSTYOUR SITH APPRENTICE STANDS IN

AN EERIE SILENT VIGIL.

GO.

>> THE POLICIES OF THE LAST SIXYEARS HAVE LEFT AMERICA

DIMINISHED AND WEAKENED.

IRAN IS MARCHING TOWARD ANUCLEAR WEAPON.

AL QAEDA IS RESURGENT,ESTABLISHING NEW SAFE HAVENS

ACROSS THE MIDDLE EAST,INCLUDING IN IRAQ, WHERE

PRESIDENT OBAMA WITHDREW ALLAMERICAN FORCES WITH NO

STAY-BEHIND AGREEMENT.

>> Jon: MY POINT IS, IF YOUSEND FEDERAL REVENUERS UP HERE,

WE WILL DEFEND OUR LAND.

[LAUGHTER]ISN'T THAT RIGHT, SILENT JOE?

[LAUGHTER]YOU KNOW WHAT, HERE'S WHAT'S

UPSETTING ABOUT THIS GUY.

[BLEEP] GUY ACTS LIKE WE WERE 20SECONDS AWAY FROM TOTAL VICTORY

IN IRAQ WHEN OBAMA JUST GIVES ITAWAY AT MID-FIELD AND THEN OSAMA

BIN LADEN CROSSES IT AND ISISHEADS IT HOME.

GOD, HOW DID WE BLOW THAT GAME?

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]BY THE WAY, MR. CHENEY THERE,

WHO WAS IT THAT NEGOTIATEDWITHDRAWAL OF AMERICAN FORCES

WITH NO STAY-BEHIND AGREEMENTAND, IN FACT, BRAGGED ABOUT IT

IN 2009.

>> WE'VE NOW ENTERED INTO ASTRATEGIC FRAMEWORK AGREEMENT

WITH THE IRAQIS THAT CALLS FORULTIMATELY THE U.S. COMPLETION

OF THE ASSIGNMENT AND WITHDRAWALOF OUR FORCES FROM IRAQ, ALL OF

THOSE THINGS I THINK BYANYBODY'S STANDARD WOULD BE --

EXCUSE ME.

EVIDENCE OF SIGNIFICANT SUCCESS.

>> Jon: "SIGNIFICANT SUCCESSUNLESS SOME OTHER GUY...

[CLEARING THROAT]UNLESS SOME OTHER GUY COMES IN,

ABIDES BY THE AGREEMENT THATBUSH AND I [CLEARING THROAT]

NEGOTIATED.

IF SOMEONE DID THAT IT WOULD BETANTAMOUNT TO AMERICA ROLLING

OVER ON ITS BACK, SHOWING ITSBELLY AND THEN ARE YOU URINATING

ON ITSELF. [CLEARING THROAT]

HAS AMERICA FINALLY TIREDOF DICK CHENEY'S

DISINGENUOUS BLAMEGAME? PERHAPS THIS VISIT TO

AMERICA'S NEWS CHANNEL WOULDPROVIDE THE ANSWER.

>> TIME AND TIME AGAIN HISTORYHAS PROVEN THAT YOU GOT IT WRONG

AS WELL, IN IRAQ, SIR. YOU SAIDTHERE WAS NO DOUBT

SADDAM HUSSEIN HAD WEAPONS OFMASS DESTRUCTION.

YOU SAID WE WOULD BE GREETED ASLIBERATORS.

YOU SAID THE IRAQ INSURGENCY WASIN THE LAST THROES BACK IN 2005.

WITH ALMOST A TRILLIONDOLLARS SPENT THERE,

WITH 4,500 AMERICAN LIVES LOSTTHERE, WHAT DO YOU SAY TO

THOSE WHO SAY YOU WERE SO WRONGABOUT SO MUCH AT THE EXPENSE OF

SO MANY?

[LAUGHTER]

>> Jon: NO, I GUESS, WAIT...PRETTY GOOD.

I GUESS NOW DICK CHENEY KNOWSWHAT IT FEELS LIKE WHEN HE

SOMEONE HE THOUGHT WAS A FRIENDSHOOTS YOU IN THE FACE.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]FOR MORE WE TURN TO OUR SENIOR

DICK CHENEY CORRESPONDENTMICHAEL CHE.

MICHAEL CHE, WHAT IS THE LATEST?

>> JON, THIS WEEKEND I MET WITHCHENEY TO TALK WITH HIM ABOUT

HIS ROLE IN THE IRAQ WAR, THEPAST DECADE OF U.S. FOREIGN

POLICY.

AND AS I SAT ACROSS FROM HIM,BRACING FOR ANOTHER ROUND OF

BLAME SHIFTING.

CHENEY PAUSED.

IT WAS AS IF A DECADE OF TENSIONLIFTED FROM HIS FACE, LEAVING

ONLY SORROW.

>> Jon: SORROW?

WHAT?

>> THE DAM WAS BREAKING, JON.

HE LOOKED AT ME NOT AS APOLITICIAN BUT AS ONE MAN TO

ANOTHER AND SAID, "MICHAEL, I'MSORRY.

I'M SORRY FOR ALL THE PAIN THATI'VE CAUSED."

>> Jon: DICK CHENEY SAID THAT?

>> YEP.>> Jon: WHAT?

>> AND AS HE NERVOUSLY FIDDLEDWITH A BUTTON ON HIS HALIBURTON

PAJAMAS, HE WENT ON TOSAY, "A PLAN THAT RELIES

ON UNLIMITED TROOPS AND MONEY TOSTABILIZE COUNTRIES WE HAVE

INVADED UNTIL THOSE COUNTRIESDEVELOP SELF-SUSTAINING

PRO-WESTERN DEMOCRACY ISREALLY, REALLY STUPID."

>> Jon: HE SAID "STUPID"?

>> I'M STUPID.

>> Jon: HE SAID HE WAS STUPID.

>> END QUOTE.

>> Jon: SO NOT ONLY IS DICKCHENEY SO DISTRAUGHT THAT HE'S

WEARING PAJAMAS IN THE DAYTIME,BUT HE IS ACCEPTING

RESPONSIBILITY FOR HIS SITUATIONIN IRAQ AND EVERYTHING THAT

WE'VE GOTTEN INTO.

>> LOOK, ALL I KNOW IS THAT ASRAINWATER DRIPPED DOWN THE

WINDOW, DICK CHENEY PUT HIS HANDAGAINST THE PANE AS HE

WHISPERED, "WHAT HAVE I DONE?"[LAUGHTER]

"WHAT HAVE I DONE?">> Jon: [BLEEPED].

MICHAEL, WHAT DID YOU SAY?

>> I ASKED HIM WHAT HE DID.

AND HE SAID, "I IGNORED THEREGION'S DELICATE INTERNAL

POLITICS AND HID BEHIND EMPTYPROMISES THAT WE'D BE GREETED AS

LIBERATORS."

>> Jon: UNBELIEVABLE.

>> AND THEN CHENEY'S EMOTIONSBECAME TOO MUCH FOR MERE WORDS.

>> Jon: REALLY?

>> HE BEGAN TO SING SOFTLY IN AMELANCHOLY TONE.

>> Jon: WHAT?

>> ♪ MY COUNTRY'S PISSED AT ME

I LIED ABOUT WMDs ♪♪>> Jon: WHAT?

>> IT WAS A LITTLE CLUNKY,BUT MAN, HE

WAS SPITTING IT OFF THE TOP,JON.

YOU GOT GIVE HIM CREDIT.

>> Jon: THAT IS AMAZING.MICHAEL, MICHAEL.

K, CAN HE SING?

>> LIKE A [BLEEPED] ANGEL.

>> Jon: YOU GOTTA TELL ME YOUGOT THIS ON TAPE.

I GOT SEE IT.

>> I GOT IT ON TAPE.

WHAT, GET THE [BLEEPED] OUT OFHERE. MR. CHENEY,

THIS IS GOING TO MAKE GREATTELEVISION WHEN I REPORT ALL THE

WORDS YOU'RE TELLING ME RIGHTNOW.

[LAUGHTER][CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

>> Jon: SO IT'S ON YOU THEWHOLE TIME. LOOK,

I KNOW YOU JUST STARTED WORKINGHERE AND EVERYTHING, BUT THE

CAMERA WAS ON YOU THE WHOLETIME, IS THAT WHAT THAT...

YEAH...

>> OH, YEAH, YOU DIRECT ONEMOVIE AND NOW YOU SUPPOSED TO BE

SPIELBERG?

>> Jon: LISTEN, IF THESE ARECHENEY'S TRUE FEELINGS, WHY IS

HE ALL OVER THE NEWS BLAMINGOBAMA?

>> CAUSE HE'S AN ASSHOLE, JON, ATRAGIC ASSHOLE, BUT AN ASSHOLE

NONETHELESS.

>> THANK YOU, MICHAEL.

MICHAEL CHE, EVERYBODY.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]>> Jon: WELCOME BACK.

YOU KNOW, LET ME EXPLAIN THISVERY QUICKLY.

IRAQ IS NOT OUR ONLY PAL IN THEMIDDLE EAST THERE.

WE GOT OUR OLD FRIENDTHERE EGYPT.

YEAH.

HOW THEY DOING THESE DAYS?

>> THREE JOURNALISTS FROMAL-JAZEERA HAVE BEEN SENTENCED

TO SEVEN YEARS IN AN EGYPTIANPRISON.

>> FOUND GUILTY ON CHARGESINCLUDING HELPING A TERRORIST

ORGANIZATION BY PUBLISHING LIES.

>> Jon: YES.

THANK YOU, GENERAL EL-SISI.

I'M SORRY, PRESIDENT EL-SISI,FINALLY BRINGING THE HAMMER DOWN

ON TERROR JOURNALISTS.

[LAUGHTER]I'M SURE THEY RECEIVED A FAIR

TRIAL IN THE GENERAL'S COURT.

[PEOPLE'S COURT THEME MUSICPLAYING]

NOTHING SAYS INNOCENT UNTILPROVEN GUILTY LIKE KEEPING THE

DEFENDANTS IN CAGE AND HAVINGTHE JUDGE WEAR SUNGLASSES SO YOU

CAN'T SEE HIS EYES.

JUSTICE ISN'T BLIND, BUT IT HASMACULAR DEGENERATION IN ITS

FAMILY. NEEDS TO PROTECT ITSEYES. I UNDERSTAND COMPLETELY.

BUT, LET'S GET TO THE TRIALITSELF. BECAUSE ALL THREE OF

THESE MEN, BAHER MOHAMED,MOHAMED FAHMY, A

CANADIAN EGYPTIAN, AND PETERGRESTE, AN AUSTRALIAN, ARE

RESPECTED INTERNATIONALJOURNALISTS, SO PROSECUTORS

MUST HAVE BROUGHT A CASETIGHTER THAN KING AKHENATEN'S

SARCOPHAGUS.[LAUGHTER]

"WHOSE SARCOPHAGUS IS FAMOUSFOR ITS TIGHTNESS."

SO WHAT IS THE TERROR EVIDENCE?OR TERROR-VIDENCE?

>> THE ONLY EVIDENCE, IF YOUWANT TO CALL IT THAT, THAT THE

PROSECUTION HAS PRESENTED HASBEEN OLD VIDEO CLIPS, VIDEO

CLIPS OF NEWS CONFERENCES, NEWSREPORTS, SOMETIMES NEWS REPORTS

FROM OUTSIDE OF EGYPT.

>> I WANT TO GIVE YOU A SENSE OFWHAT THE EVIDENCE THEY PRESENTED

WAS.

ONE OF THEM WAS FOOTAGE OF ATROTTING HORSE THAT WAS AIRED BY

SKY NEWS ARABIA.[LAUGHTER]

>> Jon: WAS IT ANY HORSE ORWAS IT LEGENDARY HORSE TERRORIST

ABU MISTER ED? WHO IBELIEVE TESTIFIED.

>> THEY AGITATED IN MYNEIGH-BORHOOD. THEY'RE GUILTY.

LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA.

>> I SUBMIT TO YOU THAT IT WASOF COURSE OF COURSE.

SO WHAT YOU'RE SAYING IS THISTRIAL WAS A SHAM.

A SHAM SO SHAM-Y EGYPT'SPROSECUTION COULDN'T BE

BOTHERED TO EVEN PRETEND ITWASN'T A SHAM.

THEIR CASE IS BASED ON SOMERANDOM VIDEO CLIP THEY PROBABLY

FOUND ON THE WEB.

"WE GOT TO JAIL THESETERRORISTS AND HERE'S A HORSE

AND A DOG IN A BALLERINA SUIT.

WE'LL THROW IN A BABY DANCING.

AND THE PROSECUTION RESTS."

COME ON EGYPT, YOUREVIDENCE HAS TO BE MORE

COMPELLING THAN THIS.

>> THE PROSECUTION CLAIMED THEYHAD MORE VIDEO EVIDENCE, BUT

THEY ALSO CLAIMED THAT THEYDIDN'T HAVE THE PROPER EQUIPMENT

TO SHOW IT.

[LAUGHTER]>> Jon: WE HAVE MORE EVIDENCE,

BUT IT'S ON BLU-RAY.

NOW WE COULD WAIT FOR THE GUY TOSHOW UP WITH THE HDMI CABLE, OR

I COULD JUST PUT YOU IN[BLEEPED] JAIL FOR SEVEN YEARS.

YOU DON'T HAVE A GENIUS BAR,GEEK SQUAD, SHEIK SQUAD?

THAT WOULD WORK.

THAT'S THE THING.

EVEN MORE THAN THE CORRUPTION OFTHIS TRIAL, WHAT BOTHERS ME IS

THE LAZINESS.

AT LEAST HAVE THE DECENCY TOFORGE SOME EVIDENCE.

IT'S NOT THAT HARD.

LOOK.

OH, MY GOD.

IT'S THE REPORTS HAVE ANUNDERWATER TERRORIST CONFERENCE

WITH BIN LADEN AND DR. DOOM.

THAT WOULD BE MORE CONVINCINGTHAN THE EVIDENCE THE EGYPTIAN

COURT JUST CONVICTED THESE MENON. AND, BY THE WAY,

DON'T THINK WHEN THE PEOPLEFINALLY RISE UP AGAINST

EL-SISI, THEY WON'T FOLLOW THESAME STRICT RULES OF EVIDENCE.

>> HE'S A DICTATOR.I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU NEED

A HORSE TELL YOU THIS.[NEIGHING]

>> Jon: WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]>> Jon: WELCOME BACK.

MY GUEST TONIGHT, THE HOST OFHBO'S "REAL TIME WITH BILL

MAHER."

PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO THEPROGRAM BILL MAHER.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]>> THANK YOU.

>> Jon: SIR, HOW ARE YOU?

>> I'M GOOD.

I WAS HOPING YOU'D DO A LITTLEMORE CHENEY COUGHING FOR ME,

THOUGH.

I LOVE THAT IMPRESSION.

YOU NAILED THAT, BY THE WAY.

>> Jon: HE HAS PHLEGM.

NOBODY DOES CHENEY PHLEGM LIKECHENEY.

>> DO A LITTLE MORE.

[JON CLEARING HIS THROAT]I LOVE IT.

I LOVE IT.

OH, I TELL YOU.

>> Jon: HE'S TRYING TO GET THEINTELLIGENCE OUT OF...

>> THAT'S THE DEFINITIVE CHENEYPHLEGM.

I MEAN, FRED TRAVALENA DOES APRETTY GOOD ONE...

>> Jon: YEARS AGO.BUT, HE'S DOING AN IMPRESSION

OF CHENEY COUGHING.

I'M DOING CHENEY COUGHING.

>> YEAH, EXACTLY. THAT'S RIGHT.

THAT'S SO TRUE.

>> Jon: CAN YOU, CAN YOU,DID YOU EVER IMAGINE THAT

WE WOULD BE SITTING HERE,I DON'T KNOW,

11 YEARS AFTER INVADING IRAQ?

>> YOU WERE ABLE TO USE THEMESS 'O POTAMIA THING AGAIN.

>> Jon: MESS O'POTAMIA. ITHOUGHT WE'D RETIRED THAT.

>> THAT REALLY AMORTIZED OVERTIME, DIDN'T IT? BECAUSE YOU GOT

TO PUT IT UP AGAINAND USE IT. VERY COST EFFECTIVE.

>> Jon: THE MONEY. AND WHEN WERENDERED THAT GRAPHIC BACK

THEN, YOU KNOW, WE HAD TO DO THEGRAPHICS BACK THEN BY HAND.

>> OH, OF COURSE.>> Jon: THIS WAS YEARS AGO.

WE WOULD DRAW EACH CELL.

WE HAD SOME...

>> YOU SEND THEM OUT THE ITALYAND JAPAN.

>> Jon: THAT'S EXACTLY RIGHT.

WHAT WE WOULD DO IS AN ORIGAMIMOCK UP FIRST OF IT.

AND THEN WE WOULD SEND IT OUT.

>> WHEN I STARTED IN TV WE USEDPUPPETS.

[LAUGHTER]>> Jon: WHAT?

YOU WERE WITH SID AND MARTYCROFFT ALL THOSE YEARS AGO?

>> YES, YES, THAT'S RIGHT. YEAH.

>> Jon: YOU REMEMBER THOSESHOWS.

I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE.

>> I DO REMEMBER.

VIVIDLY.

>> Jon: LIDSVILLE. BOY, TALKABOUT LEGALIZING POT.

[LAUGHTER]>> I DO, QUITE OFTEN, AND IT

SEEMS TO HAVE WORKED.

>> Jon: LET ME ASK YOU AQUESTION. IT HAS WORKED.

IS THAT, CAN YOU POINT TO THAT?

ARE THERE THINGS THAT YOU HAVEADVOCATED OVER THE YEARS THAT

YOU FEEL LIKE, YOU KNOW WHAT,THAT HAS HAD SOME EFFECT?

WE HAVE HAD SOME ISSUE IN THECONVERSATION?

>> ABSOLUTELY.

PEOPLE USED TO ASK ME, YOUKNOW, WOULD YOU EVER RUN FOR

OFFICE. THAT IS SUCHA SILLY QUESTION.

I COULD NEVER.

AND IF I DID, MY SLOGAN WOULDBE: 'DRUGS ARE GOOD AND RELIGION

IS BAD.'

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]SO, YOU CAN'T PROBABLY RUN FOR

OFFICE ON IN THIS COUNTRY,BUT I FEEL LIKE, YOU KNOW,

THE NEEDLE HAS MOVEDON BOTH THOSE.

>> Jon: RIGHT.

>> I THINK PEOPLE HAVE COME OVERTO MY WAY OF THINKING.

DRUGS ARE GOOD AND RELIGION ISBAD.

I'M GOING TO STICK WITH WITHTHAT.

>> Jon: I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THERELIGION THING.

DO YOU THINK THIS COUNTRY HASMOVED... I STILL FEEL LIKE THIS

FOR A WESTERN COUNTRY ISPROBABLY THE MOST RELIGIOUS.

>> OH, BY FAR.>> Jon: THE MOST GOD-FEARING.

>> OH, OF COURSE. I MEAN WE'RE,YES, WE'RE, AS IS OFTEN THE

CASE IN SOCIAL ISSUES,A STEP BEHIND...

>> Jon: RIGHT.>> OTHER COUNTRIES. AND

CERTAINLY ABOUT THAT. I MEAN,HILLARY CLINTON JUST SAID HER

FAVORITE BOOK WAS THE BIBLE.

>> Jon: WASN'T, THAT I THOUGHTWAS SO FUNNY...

>> YOU COULDN'T FIND SOMETHINGMORE VIOLENT LIKE "GAME OF

THRONES"?

THAT'S SO A BEAT BEHIND. YOUKNOW, THAT'S JUST

CERTAINLY NOT WHERE THEMILLENNIALS ARE. RIGHT?

>> Jon: WHAT?>> WHO ARE THE MILLENNIALS HERE?

[APPLAUSE]THEY'RE NOT RELIGIOUS.

>> Jon: BUT DON'T YOU THINKTHAT, THAT WAS MERELY AN

INDICATION THAT SHE'S RUNNINGFOR PRESIDENT.

THAT WAS NOT...>> I KNOW.

>> Jon: I DON'T THINK IN ANYREALITY THAT IS HER FAVORITEBOOK.

>> OH, OF COURSE NOT.

>> WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT, NOW IDON'T KNOW ABOUT THAT.

SHE MET... YOU KNOW WHO IS ALIAR ABOUT THIS IS OBAMA.

OBAMA'S ALWAYS SPOUTINGSPIRITUAL BULL [BLEEPED], AND I

DON'T BELIEVE IT FOR A SECOND.>> Jon: YOU DON'T THINK?

>> HE'S A DROP-DEAD ATHEIST,ABSOLUTELY.

>> Jon: NO. HE SPENT,HOW MANY YEARS DID HE SPEND

IN REVEREND WRIGHT'S CHURCH.

HE SPENT A LONG TIME IN THECHICAGO...

>> HE NEVER WENT.

HE JOINED BECAUSE IT WASPOLITICALLY NECESSARY.

>> Jon: OH IS THAT TRUE, HEDIDN'T GO SO MUCH?

>> ABSOLUTELY NO.

>> Jon: NOT TO THE PICNICS? NOTTO ANYTHING?

>> NO, NOTHING.

HE JOINED BECAUSE HE WANTED TOMOVE AHEAD IN THAT POLITICAL

WORLD, AND, OF COURSE, YOU HADTO BE PART OF THE CHURCH.

>> Jon: BUT DON'T THEY SAY,THOUGH, THAT IN THIS COUNTRY,

IF YOU WANT TO BEELECTED, THE ONE THING YOU CAN'T

BE, YOU CAN BE GAY, A WOMAN, YOUCAN BE JEWISH,

>> YOU CAN'T BE AN ATHEIST...

>> Jon: YOU CAN'T BE AN ATHEIST.

I FIND THAT SO BIZARRE.

>> SO BIZARRE AND SO WRONGBECAUSE IT IS THE SINGLE BIGGEST

MINORITY IN THIS COUNTRY.

>> Jon: ATHEISTS?

>> ABSOLUTELY.

>> Jon: RIGHT. NOW I HAVE TO ASKYOU, THOUGH, BECAUSE THIS IS

VERY IMPORTANT. THIS IS BEYONDIRAQ, THIS IS BEYOND

IMMIGRATION, THIS IS BEYOND GAYMARRIAGE, THIS IS BEYOND BE

RELIGION.

>> OH MY GOD, I'M NERVOUS.

>> Jon: DON'T BE NERVOUS.

YOU ARE PART OWNER OF THE NEWYORK METROPOLITANS.

THAT IS, THEY ARE MY FAVORITETEAM.

I AM AS OLD AS THEY ARE.

WHEN YOU GO TO THE MEETING...

>> MINORITY OWNER, YEAH.

>> Jon: YOU'RE NOT A MINORITY.

DO THEY CONSIDER JEWS A MINORITYOVER THERE?

YOU'RE NOT A MINORITY.

SO WHEN YOU GO OVER THERE...

>> NEVER IN NEW YORK.

>> Jon: CAN I GIVE YOU... IHAVE A JAR OF TEARS THAT I HAVE,

THAT I HAVE BEEN SAVING.

[LAUGHTER]>> COULD YOU MIX WITH IT DICK

CHENEY'S PHLEGM?

>> Jon: YES!

IT WILL BE DONE.

HAVE YOU BEEN TO AN OWNERSHIPMEETING YET?

>> NO, I'VE NEVER BEEN TO AMEETING.

I'VE BEEN TO THE STADIUM A FEWTIMES SINCE THAT HAPPENED, BUT

THIS IS MY FIRST MEETINGTOMORROW.

THEY PLAYED AWESOME THIS WEEK.

I ALWAYS BRING THEM LUCK WHEN ICOME TO NEW YORK.

>> YEAH, NO. THEY BEAT THEMARLINS 3 OUT OF 4, SO THAT'S,

YOU KNOW, 3 OUT OF 4. [LAUGHTER]

>> BUT THEY'RE STARTING TO HIT.

THEY'RE STARTING TO HIT.

YOU KNOW, I'M TELLING YOU.

WEIRDER THINGS HAVE HAPPENED.

REMEMBER THE '69 METS?

>> Jon: WELL, NO, THE '69 METSWERE GREAT, BUT IT'S '73.

I REMEMBER IN '73 THEY WERE LIKE14 GAMES BEHIND.

>> OH REALLY?>> Jon: IT WAS AUGUST.

AND THEN TUG MCGRAW, IF YOUREMEMBER, DID THE WHOLE, "YOU

GOT TO BELIEVE," ANDTHEY CHARGED BACK.

>> THAT'S RIGHT. BUT, WEREN'TTHEY WAY BACK IN '69, TOO?

>> I DON'T BELIEVE SO. I THINKIN '69,

THEY WERE BEHIND THE CUBS, BUT ITHINK THEY WON 100 GAMES THAT

YEAR OR VERY CLOSE TO THAT.

THEY WERE A VERY GOOD TEAM.

IN '73 THEY WERE TERRIBLE, BUTTHE REST OF THE DIVISION WAS

TERRIBLE.

>> WELL, THEY'RE ACOME-FROM-BEHIND TEAM.

MAKE YOUR OWN GAY JOKE NOW.

>> Jon: WELL, I'M EXCITED FORYOU.

I ALWAYS GO TO THE LAST MET GAMEOF THE YEAR.

>> COME WITH ME SOME TIME.

>> Jon: WELL, I LIKE TO GO TOTHE LAST GAME, BECAUSE THEN ME

AND MY SON HAVE THE RUN OF THEPLACE.

>> OH. [LAUGHTER]

>> Jon: IT'S JUST THE TWO OF US,

LITERALLY.

IF YOU EVER WANT GO TO A SHAKESHACK WITH NO LINE, LAST GAME OF

THE YEAR, CITI FIELD.

>> I DON'T, BUT THANK YOU.

[LAUGHTER]>> Jon: "REAL TIME WITH BILL

MAHER" AIRS FRIDAY NIGHTS AT10:00 ON HBO.

BILL MAHER.

>> Jon: THAT'S OUR SHOW.

HERE IT IS, YOUR MOMENT OF ZEN.

>> "GAME OF THRONES" HAS ALSOBEEN THE MOST PIRATED SHOW OF

2013. >> WHAT IS THIS SHOW?

>> I DON'T KNOW, THERE ARE A LOTOF...

>> PEOPLE WATCH IT, RIGHT?

I DON'T GET IT.

>> NICOLE DO, YOU WATCH THIS?

>> I DON'T.

I DON'T.

I DON'T LIKE DRAGONS.

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