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February 25, 2015 - Conan O'Brien

  • Episode: 20066
  • Views: 197,405

Conservative pundits question Jon's honor, Congressman Aaron Schock posts his possibly publicly funded adventures on Instagram, and Conan O'Brien discusses his trip to Cuba. (21:27)

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

>> Jon: HEY.

WELCOME TO "THE DAILY SHOW."

MY NAME IS JON STEWART.

WE'VE GOT A GOOD SHOW TONIGHT.

MY GUEST TONIGHT, CONAN O'BRIEN.

HE'S GOING TO BE JOINING USLATER ON.

BUT FIRST, AS MANY OF YOU KNOW,SO I RECENTLY ANNOUNCED I WAS

GOING TO BE LEAVING THE SHOWHERE TO JOIN A MONASTERY.

SEE, SOMEBODY LET ME KNOW THATTHE ACTUAL DEFINITION OF A

MOMENT OF ZEN IS REALLY MORESATISFYING THAN A

FOUR TO 11-SECOND CLIP OF AREPORTER SOMEWHERE

TRIPPING OVER THEIR DICK.

SO ANYWAY, MY ANNOUNCEMENT OFLEAVING DID NOT GO UNNOTICED.

>> JON STEWART'S SURPRISEANNOUNCEMENT.

>> 16 YEARS AS THE HOST OF THE"DAILY SHOW."

NOW HE'S STEPPING ASIDE.

>> I DON'T THINK OVERALL HE'SBEEN A FORCE FOR GOOD BECAUSE I

THINK ESPECIALLY IN HIS LATERYEARS HE GOT A LITTLE NASTY.

>> Jon: A LITTLE NASTY!

NOT A FORCE FOR GOOD!

OKAY, I CAN HANDLE THAT.

( LAUGHTER )BUT MEGYN, "IN HIS LATER YEARS."

( LAUGHTER )I AM ONLY 52.

I GOT FOUR TO FIVE PRODUCTIVEYEARS LEFT, AND THEN ABOUT 10 TO

15 THAT ARE MOSTLY EHHH.

AND THEN I GUESS, YOU KNOW, THELAST FOUR OR FIVE ANGRY,

CONFUSED YEARS, OR AS THEY'RESOMETIMES REFERRED TO,

THE FOX NEWS VIEWER DEMO YEARS.

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT, I'M JUSTKIDDING.

IT'S ALL GOOD.

EVERYBODY'S ENTITLED TO THEIROPINION.

>> WHAT HE ADDED TO OURPOLITICAL DISCOURSE WAS LARGELY

SARCASM, INSULTS, AND DISHONESTEDITING.

>> YOU KNOW, IT'S CLEARLYSELECTIVE EDITING OF CLIPS.

>> I CAN SPEAK PERSONALLY TO ALOT OF THE ATTACKS THAT WERE

LEVIED ON ME HAD NO FOOTHOLDS INTHE FACTS.

>> WHY I -- DISHONEST AND NOFOOTHOLD IN THE FACT?

YOU HAVE CASTED ASPERSIONS UPONMY HONOR!

( LAUGHTER )AND I DEMAND SATISFACTION!

( LAUGHTER )I CHALLENGE YOU, FOX NEWS TO A

LIE-OFF.

( LAUGHTER )( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

YOUR DISTORTIONS AND LACK OFFACT FOOTHOLDS AGAINST MINE.

TO START US OFF HERE ARE 50 OFYOURS IN SIX SECOND VINE.

( CLOCK TICKING )( LAUGHTER )

PLENTY MORE WHERE THAT CAMEFROM.

ONLY HAVE A 22-MINUTE SHOW.

ACTUALLY YOU JUST GO TO THE WEBSITE AND PURUSE EACH LIE AT YOUR

LEISURE.

YOU SEE, SOMETHING OF ACONVENTIONAL WISDOM ABOUT THIS

SHOW HAS TAKEN HOLD ON THERIGHT, A THOUGHT THEY'VE BECOME

SO COMFORTABLE WITH THEY DON'TFEEL THE NEED TO EVEN OFFER

EVIDENCE TO SUPPORT IT,THAT WE LIE AND DISTORT

THINGS ALL THE TIME TO MAKETHEM LOOK BAD.

IT'S PERHAPS BEST SUMMED UP BYTHIS FELLA HERE.

>> JON STEWART HAS HELP TOPOLARIZE THE COUNTRY BY

POISONING THE REPUBLICAN BRAND.

OH, YES.

>> Jon: POISONING THEREPUBLICAN BRAND!

( LAUGHTER )YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT THIS BRAND

RIGHT HERE.

>> THE COLLEGE CO-ED, SUSANFLUKE, WHO GOES BEFORE A

CONGRESSIONAL COMMITTEE ANDESSENTIALLY SAYS THAT SHE MUST

BE PAID TO HAVE SEX.

WHAT DOES THAT MAKE HER?

IT MAKES HER A SHUT, RIGHT?

IF ANY RACE OF PEOPLE SHOULDNOT HAVE GUILT ABOUT SLAVERY,

IT'S CAUCASIANS.

OBAMA'S ENTIRE ECONOMIC PROGRAMIS REPARATIONS.

HU JINTAO WAS JUST GOING CHINGCHONG CHING CHONG CHING CHONG

CHING BA BA.

HE IS MOVING ALL AROUND ANDSHAKING AND IT'S PURELY AN ACT.

THIS IS REALLY SHAMELESS OFMICHAEL J. FOX.

>> Jon: WE POISONED THATBRAND.

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

JUST OUT OF CURIOSITY, LET MEASK YOU A QUESTION-- AND I MEAN

THIS SINCERELY-- HOW DO YOUPOISON A CYANIDE FACTORY?

( LAUGHTER )BUT SEE THE LITTLE GAME THAT

THEY PLAY HERE IS THE ONLYREASON THE RIGHT LOOKS BAD IS

THAT THESE GUYS ARE UNFAIRLIARS TO US.

BY THE WAY, THAT SENTIMENT ISBROUGHT TO YOU BY ARBY'S.

ARBY'S, PROVE JON STEWART CANNOTDESTROY A BRAND BY TELLING

PEOPLE WHAT'S IN IT.

PIG ANUS AND CHEESE! PIG ANUSAND CHEESE!

MY POINT IS--( LAUGHTER )

WE DON'T LIE.

WE DON'T DISTORT.

WE ACTUALLY HAVE A FELLOW WHOWORKS IN THE BUILDING WHO USES

EVERY FIBER OF HIS BEING TOPREVENT US FROM DOING SO.

THAT MORAL BASTARD!

THAT-->> JON.

>> Jon: WHAT?

>> ACTUALLY, MY PARENTS WEREMARRIED SO TECHNICALLY I'M NOT A

BASTARD.

>> Jon: FINE!

IT JUST WAS A FIGURE OF SPEECH!

THE POINT IS ON THE RIGHTTHEY'RE PRETENDING THAT OUR

TRUTHFULNESS IS WHAT'S REALLYIMPORTANT TO THEM, WHICH

IRONICALLY IS NOT TRUE.

WHAT MATTERS TO THE RIGHT ISDISCREDITING ANYTHING THAT THEY

BELIEVE HARMS THEIR SIDE.

THAT'S THEIR PRIME DIRECTIVE.

AND UNLIKE CAPTAIN KIRK, THEY( BLEEP ) STICK WITH THE PRIME

DIRECTIVE.

THEY DON'T JUST DROP THEPROTOCOL ANY TIME THEY FEEL LIKE

HUMPING A GREEN GIRL IN AUNITARD.

LOOK, THIS MISSION DRIVES THEIRATTACK ON ALL THE INSTITUTIONS

THAT FORM THE FOUNDATION OF THECOUNTRY THEY PURPORT TO LOVE SO

DEARLY.

>> OUR BIG AND VERY BROKENGOVERNMENT GOT BIGGER AND MORE

BROKEN.

>> AMERICANS STUDENTS WHOARE ALREADY SUFFERING IN A

BROKEN EDUCATION SYSTEM.

>> TEACHERS SUGGESTING AMERICAIS EVIL.

>> AMERICA'S ELECTION SYSTEM,BROKEN.

>> SCIENCE ITSELF SEEMS A LITTLEBIT CORRUPT.

THERE'S A LOT OF AGENDASINVOLVED.

>> VOTER FRAUD IS RAMPANT.

>> Jon: AND WHAT PRAYTELL, IS WRONG WITH THESE

INSTITUTIONS?

>> THE LIBERAL BIAS ANDANTI-AMERICANISM IS INFULTRATING

AMERICA'S PUBLIC SCHOOLS.

>> ARE LIBERALS IGNORING SCIENCETO PUSH THEIR AGENDA?

>> THE LIBERAL LEFT IS TRYING TODESTROY TOO MANY GOOD THINGS

ABOUT OUR COUNTRY.

>> CURE THE CANCER OF LIBERALISMTHAT HAS AMERICA ON HER KNEES.

>> Jon: ON HER KNEES!

( BLEEP )

ALL OF OUR LIBERAL DICKS!

ALL OF THEM!

EACH INSTITUTION SUFFERING FROMTHE SAME MALADY OF LIBERALISM

AND WHAT CAN BE DONE?

THIS IS THEIR GENIUS.

THEY PURPORT TO WANT TO FIXTHINGS BUT CONSERVATIVES ARE NOT

LOOKING TO MAKE EDUCATION MORERIGOROUS AND INFORMATIVE.

OR SCIENCE MORE EMPIRICAL ORVERIFIABLE.

OR VOTING MORE REPRESENTATIVE.

OR THE GOVERNMENT MORE EFFICIENTOR EFFECTIVE.

THEY JUST WANT ALL THOSE THINGSTO REINFORCE THEIR PARTISAN

IDEOLOGICAL CONSERVATIVEVIEWPOINTS.

BECAUSE IN THEIR MINDS THEOPPOSITE OF BAD ISN'T GOOD.

THE OPPOSITE OF BAD ISCONSERVATIVE.

THE OPPOSITE OF WRONG ISN'TRIGHT.

WELL, OKAY, BUT YOU GET MYPOINT!

IT'S RIGHT WING.

THEY JUDGE SOLELY ON THE LEVELOF CONSERVATIVE CONTENT IN

EVERYTHING.

IT'S THEIR ONLY LITMUS TEST,EVEN STUPID ( BLEEP ).

>> IF YOU THOUGHT "AMERICANSNIPER" SUCCESS MEANT HOLLYWOOD

WAS GETTING LESS LIBERAL, YOUDIDN'T SEE THE OSCARS LAST

NIGHT.

>> THE MEGAHIT SNUBBED ON SUNDAYNIGHT AT THE OSCARS.

>> OH, CLINT EASTWOOD, YEAH, HESPOKE UP FOR THE REPUBLICAN

PARTY.

WE DON'T LIKE HIM SO MUCH.

WE'RE GOING TO MAKE A POINT WITHTHAT.

>> IS CLINT EASTWOOD THE PROBLEMWITH "AMERICAN SNIPER"

DO YOU THINK? BECAUSEHE WAS AT THE R.N.C.,

TALKING TO THE CHAIR?

>> PROBABLY.

>> Jon: CLINT EASTWOOD HASBEEN A CONSERVATIVE ICON FOR

YEARS.

OSCAR HAS ALREADY AWARDED HIMWITH BEST DIRECTOR AND

BEST PICTURE DURING THAT TIME.

THE LEFT-WING LOONS INHOLLYWOOD MADE THE ( BLEEP )

MOVIE IN THE FIRST PLACE ANDNOMINATED FOR BEST PICTURE.

FINE, HOLLYWOOD DIDN'T GIVE BESTPICTURE TO "AMERICAN SNIPER" SO

THEY MUST HATE AMERICA.

NO, THEY DIDN'T EVEN GIVE BESTPICTURE TO THE BEST PICTURE.

OH, SO GOOD. "BOYHOOD" WAS SOGOOD.

I MEAN, FOR GOD'S SAKE IF OSCARNOMINATIONS WERE BASED ON

LIBERAL STREET CRED--( CRYING )

( LAUGHTER )

( APPLAUSE )YOU CAN STREAM IT ON iTUNES AND

IT'S AVAILABLE ON BLU-RAY.

IT'S AN EXCELLENT ST. PATRICK'SDAY GIFT.

( LAUGHTER )AND YOU KNOW THE SADDEST PART OF

ALL THIS?

REPUBLICANS, CONSERVATIVES ARESO ( BLEEP ) RELENTLESS IN THEIR

DRIVE FOR IDEOLOGICAL PURITY,THAT THOSE INSTITUTIONS THEY

COMPLAIN ABOUT CONTINUE TO CAVEFOR THE SAME REASON I GUESS THAT

YOU ALWAYS SEEM TO END UP GOINGTO THE RESTAURANT THE

FOUR-YEAR-OLD WANTS TO GO TO.

FINE!

WE'RE GOING TO GET FRIBBLESAGAIN!

JUST STOP CRYING!

15 STATES HAVE APPROVED VOTERI.D. LAWS IN THE ABSENCE OF

ANY MEANINGFUL EVIDENCE OF VOTERFRAUD.

AN OKLAHOMA STATE HOUSECOMMITTEE VOTED TO BAN

A.P. HISTORY FOR NOT SUGARCOATING SLAVERY ENOUGH.

ABSTINENCE IS APPROVED SEXEDUCATION, AND SCIENTIFIC FACT

ISN'T REPORTED NOW.

IT'S DEBATED.

SO LET'S JUST STOP.

LET'S STOP PRETENDING THAT THESECONCESSIONS TO THE RIGHT WILL AT

ANY POINT SATE THE BEAST.

>> WHAT DO YOU MAKE OF POPEFRANCIS?

>> HE'S HAD SOME STATEMENTS THATTO ME SOUND KIND OF LIBERAL,

HAS TAKEN ME ABACK.

( LAUGHTER ).

>> Jon: THE POPE ISN'TCONSERVATIVE ENOUGH FOR THESE

PEOPLE.

( LAUGHTER )SO LET'S JUST STOP GIVING IN TO

THEM.

GUYS, TAKE IT FROM SOMEONE WHO'SBEEN WATCH WHAT THEY DO FOR A

BLESSEDLY ALMOST-OVER 16 YEARSOR SO.

THEY'RE CHRONICALLY ANGRY WARFOR IDEOLOGICAL PURITY WHERE

EVERY ASPECT OF LIFE BECOMES ATWO-DIMENSIONAL BATTLE FOR

AMERICA'S SOUL, IT AGES YOU.

EVEN WATCHING IT IS KILLING ME.

( LAUGHTER )THIS WAS ME AT THE START OF

TONIGHT'S SHOW.

( LAUGHTER )AND IF YOU THINK THAT'S A LIE,

WELL, I'VE GOT A VINE VIDEO IWANT TO SHOW YOU.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

>> Jon: WELCOME BACK.

TIME NOW FOR A LITTLE GOVERNMENTACCOUNTABILITY CHECK-IN.

WHO IS UP TONIGHT?

>> ILLINOIS CONGRESSMAN AARONSCHOCK BEING ASKED A LOT OF

QUESTIONS AFTER REDECORATING HISCAPITOL HILL OFFICE SUITE

IN THE STYLE OF THE PBS TVSERIES "DOWNTON ABBEY."

>> Jon: SO WHAT? THE GUY LOVESA LITTLE EARLY 1900s ENGLISH

AESTHETIC. IT'S NOT MY TASTE,I'M A MID-CENTURY MAN,

BUT WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?

>> SO WHO'S PAYING FOR IT ALL?

>> Jon: OH, RIGHT.

WHICH BRINGS US TO OUR NEWSEGMENT "PRIDE GOETH BEFORE THE

FALL."

NOW, SCHOCK'S DEFENSE INDECOR-GATE WAS AS DIGNIFIED AS

HIS WALLPAPER.

>> YOU KNOW, AS TAYLOR SWIFTSAID HATERS ARE GONNA HATE.

( LAUGHTER )>> Jon: TRUE.

BUT ALSO AUDITORS ARE GOING TOAUDIT, INDICTERS ARE GOING TO

INDICT AND VOTERS ARE GOING TOVOTE.

THERE'S A LOT OF PEOPLE WHO AREGOING TO BE FULFILLING THEIR

TAUTOLOGICAL ROLES.

BUT THE DOWNTON OUTCRY LEDTO AN EVEN CLOSER EXAMINATION OF

SCHOCK'S ACCOUNTING ANDIT TURNS OUT HE'S BEEN

SPENDING MONEY ON A LOTMORE THAN THROW PILLOWS.

>> ACCORDING TO AN INVESTIGATIONBY THE A.P., THE ILLINOIS

CONGRESSMAN SPENT MORE THAN$40,000 FLYING ON PRIVATE

PLANES OWNED BY DONORS.

>> SCHOCK ALSO REPORTEDLY TOOKHIS INTERNS TO AN OUT-OF-STATE

KATY PERRY CONCERT LAST JUNE.

TWO MONTHS LATER, PAC RECORDSREVEAL A NEARLY $2,000 EXPENSE

FROM STUBHUB.COM.

THE PAC ALSO REPORTEDLY SPENT$1400 ON A MASSAGE PARLOR FOR

FUND-RAISING EVENTS.

>> Jon: A MASSAGE --A FUND-RAISING EVENT AT A

MASSAGE PARLOR?

WHAT WAS CALLED THERE, FOR OURCHILDREN'S FUTURE, A NIGHT OF

TOO MANY REACH-AROUNDS?

THAT'S A -- NOW TRADITIONALLY,FINDING PROOF OF A PUBLIC

FIGURE'S MISDEEDS REQUIRES ANEWS ORGANIZATION TO LAUNCH

A MASSIVE INVESTIGATIONAPPARATUS, DEEP OFF-THE-RECORD

SOURCING, FOIA REQUESTS, DEEPLATE-NIGHT DUMPSTER DIVING.

THAT'S HOW OF NOT HOW JOURNALISMWORKS IN 2015.

>> THE CONGRESSMAN ENJOYS TAKINGSELFIES OF HIMSELF AND POSTING

THEM ON INSTAGRAM, AND HE DID SOAROUND THE COUNTRY, AND THE

A.P. WAS ABLE TO FIND OUT WHEREHE WAS GEOGRAPHICALLY AND

WHAT HE WAS DOING.

>> Jon: INSTAGRAM.

A.P. USED THE SAME SOPHISTICATEDSLEUTHING TECHNIQUE I USED WHEN

ONE OF MY WRITERS CLAIMED HE WASSICK WITH OVARIAN CYSTS WHEN

IN FACT, I FOUND OUT HE WASAT THE HAMPTON LOBSTER FESTIVAL

STUFFING HIS MOUTH TWO POUNDERS.

I'M ON TO YOU, MATT KOFF!

I'M NOT, I'M NOT REALLY -- HESEEMS SO HAPPY THERE.

BY THE WAY, WEARS THAT BIB TOWORK EVERY DAY.

NOT ONLY WHEN HE'S EATINGLOBSTER.

CONGRESSMAN WE'RE FAIR PEOPLE.

WE'LL RESERVE JUDGMENT ON YOUUNTIL WE SEE THESE INSTAGRAMS.

LET'S SEE THE INSTAGRAMS.

>> FROM DOING THE TANGO ON THESTREETS OF BUENOS AIRES,

TO DOING THE 80s TV YEAHSHOT ON A GLACIER,

CATCHING WAVES IN WAIKIKI.

>> PARASAILING IN ARGENTINA.

>> Jon: WHAT THE?

THAT'S SO--( LAUGHTER )

HOLY ( BLEEP )!

HOW DID THAT GET HERE!

WHERE DID THIS MOUNTAIN DEW COMEFROM?

I GUESS JUST FROM WATCHING IT.

NOW LOOK, REMEMBER THAT WHOLE--REMEMBER THAT WHOLE PRIDE THING

I WAS TALKING ABOUT?

CONGRESSMAN SCHOCK, IF YOUHADN'T INSTAGRAM-ED, EVERYTHING

YOU'RE DOING, THEY MIGHTNOT HAVE BUSTED YOU.

ALTHOUGH TO BE FAIR, WHILESCHOCK IS RAISING EYEBROWS

IN THE MEDIA, THE INSTAGRAMCOMMUNITY IS LOVING THIS

ONE COMMENTER WROTE MYCONGRESSMAN IS LIKE 1,000

YEARS OLD AND NEVER DOES STUFFLIKE THIS.

YOU'RE THE COOLEST.

( LAUGHTER )ALL MY CONGRESSMAN DOES IS PASS

LEGISLATION, GOVERN, AND, LIKE,WEAR SHIRTS.

HE'S SO LAME.

♪ HATERS GONNA HATE, HATE, HATE♪♪

NOW, WHILE THIS MAY ALL BEUNETHICAL, I GOTTA ADMIT

IT LOOKS REALLY FUNTO BE THIS GUY.

SO LIVE IT UP WHILEYOU CAN, BUDDY.

AS A WISE WOMAN ONCE SAID--WELL, I'LL JUST LET HER TELL IT.

♪ THE BAND IS GONNA PLAY, PLAY,PLAY.

♪ AND THE HATERS GONNA HATE,HATE, HATE.

♪ BABY, I'M JUST GONNA SHAKE,SHAKE, SHAKE

SHAKE IT OFF, SHAKE IT OFF ♪♪

>> Jon: IF THIS CONGRESS

THING DOESN'T WORK OUT, SHAKE ITOFF BECAUSE YOU WOULD

OBVIOUSLY WOULD MAKE ANAWESOME TRAVEL CHANNEL HOST.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

>> Jon: WELCOME BACK!

MY GUEST TONIGHT IS THE HOST OFCONAN ON TBS.

>> THIS LEAF. RIGHT?

THEN HERE -- RIGHT?

OKAY?

THEN WE ROLL THIS TOGETHER,RIGHT?

HELLO.

THIS IS THE INSPECTOR.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH IT?

IT'S A CIGAR. CUBANO.

>> NO, NO, NO.

>> CONGRATULATIONS, I HAD ABABY.

NO?

>> WOW!

( LAUGHTER )>> Jon: PLEASE WELCOME

CONAN O'BRIEN.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )>> WHERE DO I GO, HERE?

>> Jon: ALRIGHT, SIT DOWN.

>> HEY, THANK YOU.

>> Jon: HOW ARE YOU?

>> THANK YOU, THANK YOU.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )>> Jon: WELCOME! WELCOME!

>> YES! WELCOME!

>> Jon: HOLA!

>> HOLA!

>> YOU -- YOU'RE FLUENT!

INCREDIBLE.

>> Jon: BUT YOU ARE FLUENT.

>> I'M NOT REALLY FLUENT.

I HAVE A PRETTY GOOD EIGHTHGRADE SPANISH THAT I HAVE KEPT

UP OVER THE YEARS, AND THATSERVED ME WELL.

BUT WE BROUGHT TWO OF OURWRITERS WHO ARE FLUENT.

>> Jon: OH REALLY.

>> AND WE BROUGHT TWO OF THEMTO HELP US IN CUBA.

>> Jon: LET ME EXPLAIN, SOCONAN WENT TO CUBA AND

SHOT A SHOW THERE.

>> AN EPISODE OF MY SHOW.

YEAH WE, PRESIDENT OBAMAANNOUNCED THAT WE WERE GOING

TO TRY AND WARM UP RELATIONS ALITTLE BIT WITH CUBA.

I THOUGHT THIS IS MY CHANCE.

I WANT TO GET IN BEFORE "THEVIEW" GETS DOWN THERE.

( LAUGHTER )BECAUSE YOU KNOW THEY'RE HONING

IN ON THIS THING.

AND SO WE-- WE GOT DOWN THERE.

WE ACTUALLY WEREN'T SURE WE WEREGOING TO GET INTO THE COUNTRY

BECAUSE WE DIDN'T -- WE DIDN'TMAKE A LOT OF PREPARATIONS.

>> Jon: SURE.

>> WE WEREN'T SURE WE WERE GOINGTO GET INTO THE COUNTRY.

WE FLEW IN.

WE WERE TOLD WE HAD THE RIGHTPAPERS.

WE SHOWED UP.

THERE'S NO INTERNET, SO OURPHONES DIDN'T WORK.

WE GOT OFF THE PLANE --

>> Jon: THERE IS NO INTERNET ATALL?

>> THERE IS NO INTERNET.

NO, THEY DO NOT WANT PEOPLEFREELY EXCHANGING INFORMATION.

>> Jon: RIGHT.

SO THERE'S NO INTERNET, WHICH ISVERY STRANGE.

WE GOT OFF THE PLANE.

WE WALKED IN.

WE HANDED OUR PAPERS TO THEM.

THE GUY LOOKED AT IT, OUR PHONESARE DEAD, AND OUR PLANE IS GONE,

AND THE GUY JUST LOOKED AT USAND HE SAID NO.

( LAUGHTER )AND I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING

TO HAPPEN NOW?

ARE WE GOING TO GET OUT?

ARE WE GOING TO GET IN?

WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN?

WE WANDERED INTO A LITTLEBUILDING AND THERE WAS AN OLD

TELEVISION AND IT WAS PLAYING"GILMORE GIRLS" IN SPANISH.

AND I'VE NEVER --

>> Jon: THE ONLY WAY TO WATCHIT.

>> YEAH.

I'VE NEVER FELT MORE HAPPY TOSEE-- IT WAS SO-- AND IT WAS

RORY DECIDING, RORY DECIDINGSHOULD I, I'M GOING TO QUIT

YALE OR SHOULD I STAY IN YALE?

>> Jon: YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

>> AND I WAS ENTHRALLED.

I'M WATCHING IT IN SPANISH.>> Jon: YEAH.

>> THE PARENTS ARE UPSET.

THE GRANDPARENTS ARE UPSET.

NO ONE IN CUBA CARED.

NO ONE WAS WATCHING THE TV.

AND THEN FINALLY --

>> Jon: DID THEY KNOW, THOUGH?WHEN YOU CAME IN, DIDN'T

ANYONE SAY OH COCO DE TEAM? YOUKNOW, NOTHING?

>> NO. NO, THEY DO NOT KNOWME.

WE WERE -- I WAS I.D.-ED BY-- IGOT IN.

OUR CAMERA CREW GOT IN.

WHAT HAPPENED WAS I STARTEDWALKING AROUND,

WE STARTED SHOOTING INCUBA IMMEDIATELY

WE DIDN'T KNOW HOW LONG WE WEREGOING TO STAY.

AND IMMEDIATELY CANADIANS, THOSEDAMN CANADIANS YOU ALL KNOW WHAT

I'M TALKING ABOUT.

THE SCOURGE OF THE WORLD.

NO THE, THE CANADIANSSTARTED, CANADIAN TOURISTS ARE

DOWN THERE AND TOURISTS FROMEUROPE AND TOURISTS FROM --

>> Jon: RIGHT. SEE, ISN'T THATTHE WEIRD PART.

SO, YOU GO THROUGH THIS THING,YOU MIGHT GET KILLED.

YOU CAN'T GET IN, YOU HAVE TOSHOW YOUR PAPERS.

MEANWHILE, PEOPLE FROM THEENTIRE REST OF THE WORLD HAVE

BEEN GOING THERE FOREVER AND AREJUST LIKE, "OH, HEY."

>> YEAH. YEAH, BUT IT IS ACOMPLETELY DIFFERENT WORLD.

IT IS A WORLD THAT IS FROZEN INTIME.

MY CONCEPT OF THIS WAS I JUSTWANT TO GO AND MEET THE PEOPLE.

OBVIOUSLY, IT'S A POLITICALLYCHARGED SITUATION, BUT I

WANT TO GO AND DO MY BY-NOWTIRED STCHICK FOR THESE PEOPLE

AND SEE IF IT IS AT ALL AMUSINGTO THEM. EITHER --

>> Jon: THEY SEEMED TO BE QUITETAKEN WITH YOUR CIGAR MAKING.

>> THEY WERE, YEAH. THEYACTUALLY THEY -- WHAT I DID WAS

I LEARNED TO DANCETHERE. I LEARNED TO --

>> Jon: WHAT DANCE DID YOULEARN?

>> THE RUMBA.

THE EROTIC RUMBA.

>> Jon: I THINK THAT'SACTUALLY A VACUUM CLEANER.

THAT'S NOT -- I'M PRETTY SURETHAT'S--

>> APPARENTLY IT'S BOTH.

APPARENTLY IT IS BOTH.

I LEARNED-- I WENT TO A RUMFACTORY, BECAME INTOXICATED.

MADE THAT IS A CIGAR FACTORYWHERE 400 PEOPLE WORK AND

THEY'RE ARTISTS. THEYMAKE THESE BEAUTIFUL CIGARS.

>> Jon: RIGHT.

>> HANDMADE, EACH ONE. ANDEVERYTHING --

>> CIGARS, RUM, AND DANCING, SOYOU BASICALLY IT WAS A LIKE

A DATE NIGHT. GOING DOWN THEREAND HAD --

>> IT WAS-- IT WAS ASOPHISTICATED SPRING BREAK.

>> Jon: WERE THEY, WERE THEYINTERESTED IN-- ONCE YOU SAID--

I'M SURE, DID THEY SMELL THEAMERICAN ON YOU OR DID THEY

THINK-- DID YOU TRY AND PASS?

>> THEY THOUGHT I WAS FROMIRELAND.

( LAUGHTER )THEY'RE LIKE, ES UN

LEPRECHAUN! IT'SBOB'S BIG BOY!

>> Jon: WELL, THEY KNOW BOB'SBIG BOY THOUGH.

>> YEAH THEY DO. THEY'RE VERYSOPHISTICATED ABOUT THAT.

>> Jon: THAT'S INTERESTING.

>> THEY WERE FASCINATED --THEY ARE VERY INTERESTED IN HOW

THE UNITED STATES VIEWS THEM.>> Jon: RIGHT.

>> THE PEOPLE ARE VERYINTERESTED IN GETTING TO

KNOW US, AND USGETTING TO KNOW THEM.

THEY'RE VERY EAGER FOR IT.>> Jon: OH THAT'S NICE.

>> WE HAD NO GOVERNMENTINTERVENTION.

IT WAS VERY SWEET.I ACTUALLY -- I DIDN'T WANT

IT TO BE COMEDICALLY SNARKY INANY WAY.

>> Jon: SURE.

>> I DID NOT WANT IT TO BE THAT.

I WANTED IT TO BE ME, THE JOKEIS ON ME.

I'M THE FISH OUT OF WATER.>> Jon: RIGHT.

>> I WANTED TO TRY TO MAKE THEMLAUGH AND REALLY GET TO KNOW THE

PEOPLE AND THEY WERE FANTASTIC.THEY WERE ABSOLUTELY

>> Jon: I REALLY THINK IT'SGOING TO BE A LOVE AT --

THE PEOPLE.

THE GOVERNMENT, WHO THE THE HELLCARES.

BUT THE PEOPLE I THINK ARETHIRSTING FOR THAT INTERACTION.

>> THEY ARE DEFINITELY THIRSTINGFOR IT.

>> Jon: SO CLOSE.>> YEAH.

>> Jon: ALRIGHT, WELL I'MEXCITED.

WHEN DOES IT AIR?

>> OH, IT WILL NEVER AIR.

>> Jon: WHAT! BUT YOU'VE TEASEDUS SO BEAUTIFULLY!

YOU'VE LURED US.

>> YEAH, I'M JUST WASTING YOURTIME.

IT'S NEXT WEEK, WEDNESDAY, MARCH4th, I THINK.

ANYBODY GOT AN APP?

I THINK IT'S THE 4th.

I DON'T KNOW, I'M JET LAGGED.

>> Jon: WHY DON'T I JUST READIT? BECAUSE IT APPEARED JUST

NOW ON THE CAMERA.

>> OH, IT'S RIGHT THERE! YOUKNOW, YOU KNOW WHAT'S CRAZY,

AS YOU ASKED ME, I SAW IT RIGHTTHERE.

>> Jon: IT JUST CAME UP.

>> AND I THOUGHT THERE'S AREASON YOU'RE LEAVING.

>> Jon: I CAN'T SEE ANYMORE.

( LAUGHTER )>> RIGHT THERE!

>> Jon: CONAN O'BRIEN ONTBS WEEK NIGHTS AT 11:00.

THE SPECIAL AIRS MARCH 4.

IT'S CONAN O'BRIEN.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).

>> Jon: THAT'S OUR SHOW.

HERE IT IS, YOUR MOMENT OF ZEN.

>> AND YOU'RE ACTUALLY SUPPOSEDTO BE HERE LAST WEEK.

PUT YOU HAD A VERY EXCITINGEVENT HAPPEN.

>> THAT'S RIGHT. THAT'S RIGHT.

I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE ON THE SHOWLAST WEEK BUT I WAS INVITED TO

THE WHITE HOUSE.

>> Jon: WERE YOU -- WERE YOUEXPECTING HIM TO LIKE TAKE YOU

INTO HIS CONFIDENCE LIKE, CONAN,OVER HERE.

>> YEAH, CONAN, COME HERE, MAN.

>> Jon: THIS IS WHERE WE KEEPTHE POT!

>> RIGHT. RIGHT.

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