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August 3, 2015 - Amy Schumer

  • Episode: 20139
  • Views: 139,061

The Koch brothers make five Republican candidates vie for their money, Fox News accuses Jon of being a liberal propagandist, and Amy Schumer discusses her movie "Trainwreck." (21:29)

>> Jon: OH, WELCOME TO THE DAILYSHOW!

I'M JON STEWART.

BOOM!

MY GUEST TONIGHT, AMYSCHUMER!

AMY SCHUMER IS GOING TO BEHERE.

I FORGOT-- LET'S BEGINTONIGHT -- THEY'RE VERY EXCITED

BECAUSE WE'VE GOT GOOD NEWS.

THE CALIFORNIA DROUGHT ISOVER BECAUSE LAST WEEKEND

SPECIAL GROUP IN CALIFORNIAMADE IT RAIN!

>> BIG STOP ON THE MONEYTRAIL IN THE RACE FOR THE

WHITE HOUSE.

THE KOCH BROTHERS HOSTEDFIVE CANDIDATES OVER THE

WEEKEND AT A BUSINESSCONFERENCE IN SOUTHERNICAL

CALIFORNIA.

>> THEY'RE SPENDING THEIRTIME PITCHING TO WHAT'S BEEN

CALLED THE KOCH PRIMARY.

>> Jon: THE KOCH PRIMARY?

(LAUGHTER)

THE KOCH BROTHERS HAVE PLEDGEDTO GIVE ALMOST A BILLION DOLLARS

TO BUY THE NEXT ELECTION.

MEANING FIVE OF THE TOPREPUBLICAN CANDIDATESWERE

HAPPY TO COME ON DOWN FOR ACHANCE TO... GOBBLE SOME KOCH.

NO, THAT'S NOT RIGHT.

TED CRUZ, CARLY FIORINA,SCOTT WALKER, JEB BUSH AND

MARCO RUBIO WORKED THETALKING POINTS AND CRADLED

THE SPECIAL INTERESTS IN THEHOPES OF ONE OF THEM, AFTER A

PERIOD OF WHAT MINUTES TO ANHOUR WOULD INDUCE THE MONEY

SHOT.

AND REALLY, THEY DIDN'T CAREWHICH KOCH WENT OFF.

TO BE FAIR THOUGH, THAT'SNOT REALLY WHY THEY WERE

THERE.

>> IN THE END, MONEY DOESN'TWIN ELECTIONS.

IDEAS DO.

I WISH THE WHOLE WORLD COULDSEE WHAT GOES ON HERE.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Jon: OH, I THINK WE SEE IT.

AND I THINK IT LOOKS ALITTLE SOMETHING LIKE THIS.

(LAUGHTER)(APPLAUSE)

YOU KNOW, I WONDER, I WONDERWHAT WRY COMMENTARY THE

SPIDER WHO LIVES ABOVETHE PIG WOULD HAVE IF HIS

RATHER CORRUPTINGPICTURE-- OH MY GOD, SHE HUNG

HERSELF! SHE COULDN'T TAKE IT.

CHARLOTTE!

OH, SWEET CHARLOTTE!

YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO DIE OFNATURAL CAUSES, YOU KNOW,

UNDER A SHOE OR-- AT THEBUSINESS END OF A ROLLED UP

NEWS MAGAZINE.

BUT THE GOVERNOR FROMWISCONSIN MAKES A GOOD

POINT.

THOUGH THE WORLDSHOULD SEE WHAT GOES ON AT

THESE CONFERENCES, WHYHASN'T THE WORLD BEEN MORE

AWARE OF WHAT GOES ON ATKOCH EVENTS?

>> FREEDOM PARTNERS FOUNDEDBY THE KOCH BROTHERS

NORMALLY CONDUCTS ITS SUMMERCONFERENCE IN SECRECY.

THIS YEAR IT'S A LITTLEDIFFERENT.

THEY ARE LETTING US LISTENTO SOME OF THE GOP CANDIDATES.

>> Jon: OOH, YES! NOTHINGSAYS FREEDOM PARTNERS LIKE

OCCASIONALLY, PARTIALLYPULLING BACK THE VEIL OF

SECRET PRESIDENTIAL FORUMS.

YOU KNOW, I FELT THE SAMEWAY WHEN I WAS INVITED TO

COVER LAST YEAR'S AMERICANLIBERTY PATRIOT CONFERENCE.

I JUST SAID-- YEAH, THEREYOU GO.

(LAUGHTER)

IT WAS DARK, IT WAS QUIET, ANDTHEY FED ME THROUGH MY ANUS.

OF COURSE WE ALL KNOWFREEDOM HAS ITS LIMITS.

WHEN ONE OF THE ACTUAL KOCHBROTHERS SPOKE TOW FORUM,

THAT WAS EMBARGOED AND NOTALLOWED TO BE FILMED BECAUSE

FREEDOM.

(LAUGHTER)

>> CHARLES KOCH, ONE OF THEKOCH BROTHERS, SAID AND I WANT

TO READ THE QUOTE HERE TALKINGDIRECTED TO THIS COUNTRY --

WE'RE HEADED TOWARDS ATWO-TIERED SOCIETY, A SOCIETY

THAT'S DESTROYING OPPORTUNITIESFOR THE DISADVANTAGED AND

CREATING WELFARE FOR THERICH.

>> Jon: WAIT, THEBILLIONAIRE LEADER OF THE

SECRET POLITICAL MACHINEWARNED A TWO-TIERED SOCIETY

WHERE WE'RE-- I GET IT.

SHE'S READING THE WRONG TONE.

IT ACTUALLY WENT LIKE THIS.

PEOPLE, WE'RE HEADED TO ATWO-TIERED SOCIETY!

THAT'S DESTROYING OPPORTUNITIESFOR THE DISADVANTAGED AND

CREATING WELFARE FOR THERICH!

CONGRATULATIONS!

YOU DID IT!

WE DID IT!

WE DID IT!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

SO A TINY NUMBER OF PEOPLE HAVEA DISPROPORTIONATE SAY IN WHO

GOVERNS THE REST OF US.

I MAY NOT LIKE T YOU MAY INTHE LIKE IT BUT AT THIS

POINT THE BILLIONAIREPATRONAGE ELECTION PROCESS

IS AN ACCEPTED PICTURE OFOUR ELECTORAL SYSTEM.

>> ALMOST EVERY ONE OF THEPRIMARY CANDIDATES HAS A

BILLIONAIRE AT HIS BACK,WHICH MEANS THE LIFE OF

THEIR CANDIDACIES IS NOWDIVORCED FROM THEIR ABILITY

TO DIRECTLY RAISE MONEY FORVOTERS.

>> Jon: FINALLY!

A DEMOCRATIC SYSTEM THATREMOVES THE CORROSIVE CONNECTION

BETWEEN ELECTIONS AND VOTERS.

(LAUGHTER)

OUR POLITICIANS WILL NO LONGERBE BEHOLDEN TO BIG CITIZEN.

(LAUGHTER)

SIMPLE TIME MANAGEMENT.

YOU CAN SPEND ALL YOUR TIMECOLLECTING $2 FROM MILLIONS

OF PEOPLE OR A LITTLE TIMECOLLECTING BILLIONS OF

DOLLARS FROM ONE GUY.

BY THE WAY, THESE AREVERY GOOD GUYS.

>> THIS ORGANIZATION ISSUPPORTED BY PEOPLE OF GREAT

ACCOMPLISHMENT, ANDINTELLECT.

>> DAVID AND CHARLES HAVEKIND OF HARNESSED THAT

FRUSTRATION AND SAID INSTEADOF JUST BEING ANGRY ABOUT IT,

LET'S DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.

>> I'M HONORED TO BE HERE,TRULY HONORED TO BE HERE, I

APPRECIATED THE INVITATION.

>> THE MEN AND WOMEN IN THISROOM SPILLED GALLONS OF

BLOOD, SPENT THEIR FORTUNESRETAKING THE SENATE.

>> YOU SINCE HAVE MET THEREAL DAVID KOCH, WHAT IS HE

LIKE.

>> HE IS SITTING RIGHTTHERE.

BUT EVEN DAVID, IF YOUWEREN'T THERE, I WOULD SAY

GOOD THINGS.

(LAUGHTER)(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

(LAUGHTER)(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Jon: YOU SEE, THESECANDIDATE GOES OUT TO A

BILLIONAIRE CONFERENCEBEGGING FOR MONEY.

THEY WIND UP LOOKING LIKE ABUNCH OF PUPPIES.

TRY FINDING A REPUBLICANCANDIDATE WHO WILL TELL

YOU THAT.

>> DONALD TRUMP TWEETING OUTI WISH GOOD LUCK TO ALL OF

THE REPUBLICAN CANDIDATESTHAT TRAVELED TO CALIFORNIA

TO BEG FOR MONEY, ET CETERA,FROM THE KOCH BROTHERS.

PUPPETS, QUESTION MARK.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Jon: WHO IS THIS TRUMP FELLA?

I LIKE THE CUT OF HIS JIB.

WE'LL HAVE TO LOOK INTOTHAT.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Jon: WELCOME BACK TO THEPROGRAM.

I AM GOING TO TALK ABOUT MYWEEKEND.

IS WITH GOING TO TALK ABOUTMY WEEKEND.

I GOT HOME FROM CHURCHAROUND 3:00.

OR YOU KNOW, WHATEVER TIMEIT IS THAT CHURCHES LET OUT --

AND MY KIDS WERE IN THE TVROOM WATCHING FOX NEWS

BECAUSE-- 'CAUSE, YOU KNOW, IDON'T HAVE TIME TO TEACH

THEM MORALITY.

AND I WALKED IN ON THIS.

>> JON STEWART SECRETMEETINGS WITH PRESIDENT

OBAMA.

>> TRIES TO EXPLAIN AWAY HISBROMANCE WITH BARACK OABAMA.

>> DOES THIS DENT HIS HALO ABIT?

HE HAS BECOME MORE AND MOREAND MORE A TOOL, REALLY, OF

THE OBAMA ADMINISTRATION.

>> IT LOOKS LIKE HE'SGETTING-- LIKE EVERYBODY

ELSE.

>> IF YOU SERVE A POLITICIANIDEOLOGICAL AGENDA, YOU ARE

A PROPAGANDIST.

>> Jon: HEY, THEY'RE TALKINGABOUT ME!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Jon: THIS IT SO EXCITING.

I'M GOING TO BE FAMOUS!

(LAUGHTER)

HEY, YOU KNOW, ONE THING I SAWIN THAT WHOLE REPORT THERE IS

THEY DIDN'T SEEM TO SUPPORTTHEIR ASSERTIONS WITH...

EVIDENCE.

(LAUGHTER)

YOU LIKE TO NAIL ME ASA PROPAGANDIST.

YOU COULD HAVE JUST SHOWN ACLIP OF ME SHAMELESSLY

PIMPING FOR SOME SIGNATUREPOLICY LIKE OBAMACARE.

>> WE'RE GOING TO DO ACHALLENGE.

I'M GOING TO TRY ANDDOWNLOAD EVERY MOVIE EVER MADE,

AND YOU'RE GOING TO TRY ANDSIGN UP FOR OBAMACARE AND

WE'LL SEE WHICH HAPPENSFIRST.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Jon: I WON'T MISS ME.

(LAUGHTER)

A BIT OF A DICK.

BUT OKAY, THAT ONE DIDN'TWORK OUT.

BUT TO YOUR POINT OF MEBEING AN ADMINISTRATION

STOOGE, MAYBE YOU COULD HAVEDONE THIS -- OKAY, DEMONSTRATE

MY FIELTY CONSISTENTSUCK-UPITUDE WITH THE PRESIDENT.

THAT'S GREAT A WAY TO MAKE YOURCASE, THAT'S A WAY TO DO IT.

>> JON STEWART MOCKINGPRESIDENT OBAMA OVER THE

LIBYAN ASSASSINATIONSITUATION.

>> SEBELIUS WENT ON JON STEWART,GOT DESTROYED BY JON.

JON STEWART GRILLING HOUSEMINORITY NANCY PELOSI ON THE

BOTCHED HEALTHCARE.GOV ROLLOUT.

>> JON STEWART ACTUALLY MOCKINGTHE OBAMA RE-ELECTION

ANNOUNCMENT.

>> JON STEWART GOES SOUR ONPRESIDENT OBAMA.

>> EVEN JON STEWART HAS BEENHAMMERING AT THIS.

>> EVEN JON STEWART.

>> JON STEWART WANT AFTERPRESIDENT OBAMA.

>> EVEN DAILY SHOW HOSTSTEWART.

>> EVEN COMEDY CENTRAL'S JONSTEWART.

>> IF HE HAS LOST JONSTEWART-- I'M JUST SAYING.

>> Jon: WHAT?

WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?

WHAT HAPPENED!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

LOST JON STEWART.

BY THE WAY, HOW OFTEN DOES ADUDE HAVE TO CRITICIZE THE

PRESIDENT BEFORE HIS NAMELEGALLY CHANGES FROM EVEN

JON STEWART TOUNSURPRISINGLY JON STEWART.

(LAUGHTER)

ALL RIGHT.

NONE OF THAT STUFF WORKED INPROVING IT, BUT THAT'S NOT

THE END OF YOUR SEARCH HERE,HOWARD AND OTHER GUY WHOSE

NAME ESCAPES ME ON THE SHOW.

HERE'S WHAT YOU COULD HAVEDONE, OKAY.

TO PROVE IMPROPER COLLUSION,FIND A MEMO FROM ME TO THE

PRESIDENT GIVING THEPRESIDENT ADVICE ABOUT MY

AREA OF EXPERTISE,COMMUNICATION.

LIKE ME ADVISING HIM THATAMERICANS WILL ONLY BE

PATIENT WITH THE WAR ONTERROR IF THEY ARE CONVINCED

THE PRESIDENT IS USING THEHARSHEST MEASURES POSSIBLE.

[BLEEP] THAT WASN'T ME -- UM...

I'M SORRY, THAT WAS FOX NEWSCHAIRMAN ROGER AILES TO

PRESIDENT BUSH.

I'M SORRY.

NO-- THAT IS THE BALANCEPART.

I SHOULD HAVE WATCHEDREHEARSALMENT I-- OVER AND

OVER AGAIN, I WRONGLYBELIEVE THAT I AM HELPING

HOWARD KURTZ WITH HIS CASEAGAINST ME, AND YET I

APPARENTLY SEEM TO BE DOINGTHE OPPOSITE.

I HAVE GOT ONE.

OH, THIS ONE, IS GOING TOBLOW YOUR MOTHER [BLEEP]

MIND.

THIS ONE!

THIS ONE, FOX, THIS ONE ISGOING TO MAKE YOUR CASE DEAD

TO RIGHTS.

OKAY.

IMAGINE ME ON AIR BEINGTAUGHT BY A DEMOCRATIC

OPERATIVE AS TO THE PROPER WAYTO FRAME AN IMPORTANT ISSUE,

NOT TO CLARIFY THAT ISSUE,BUT TO GIVE IT A DECIDEDLY

ADVANTAGEOUS PARTISAN SPIN,THIS WILL BE GOOD.

>> IF YOU CALL IT A PUBLICOPTION, THE AMERICAN PEOPLE

ARE SPLIT. IF YOU CALLED ITTHE GOVERNMENT OPTION, THE

PUBLIC IS OVERWHELMINGLY AGAINSTIT.

>> YOU KNOW WHAT, IT'S AGREAT POINT AND FROM NOW ON

I WILL CALL IT THEGOVERNMENT OPTION.

>> Jon: ALL RIGHT, NO, NO,WAIT.

OKAY, THAT'S [BLEEP] UP,THAT GUY IS A TOOL, THAT

DOESN'T MATTER.

ALL RIGHT.

IT'S NOT LIKE ANYBODY IN APOSITION OF EDITORIAL OR

MORAL AUTHORITY AT FOX WASCAUGHT IN THIS DAMNING

POLITICAL COLLUSION BY AN ASFUTURE MEDIA CRITIC.

>> BILL SAMMON, FOX'S VICEPRESIDENT AND WASHINGTON

MANAGING EDITOR, ISSUED AMEMO TELLING THE TROOPS

"LET'S NOT SLIP BACK INTOCALLING IT THE PUBLIC

OPTION.

PLEASE USE THE TERMGOVERNMENT-RUN HEALTH

INSURANCE, OR, WHEN BREVITY ISA CONCERN, GOVERNMENT OPTION

WHENEVER POSSIBLE."

>> AND THE TROOPS FELL INTOLINE.

>> Jon: I [BLEEP] AGAIN.

I'M JUST PLAYING AROUND WITHYOU GUYS.

YOUR HYPOCRISY ISN'T A BUGIN THE FOX MODEL, IT IS THE

FEATURE.

YOUR JOB IS TO DISCREDIT ANYSOURCE OF CRITICISM THAT

MIGHT HURT THE CONSERVATIVEBRAND, BY ANGRILY HOLDING

THEM TO STANDARDS YOUYOURSELVES JETTISONED IN

YOUR NEWS NETWORK'S MISSIONSTATEMENT.

BUT I WOULD BE HAPPY TOLISTEN IF YOU MAKE AN ACTUAL

ARGUMENT.

MY HUNCH IS THIS SHOW HASBEEN HARDER ON THE OBAMA

ADMINISTRATION AND THISPRESIDENT PER CAPITAL THAT-- PER

CAPITA THAN YOU EVER WERE INYOUR EIGHT YEARS OF BUSH

FINGER BANGING.

THOUGH, I IMAGINE YOU WON'TGET AROUND TO VERIFYING THAT

SINCE YOU ARE PROBABLY STILLWORKING ON GETTING BACK TO

US ABOUT THOSE 60 FOX LIES INSIX SECONDS THAT WE TOSSED UP

A WHILE AGO.

OH.

AND ONE MORE QUESTION, HOWTHE MOTHER [BLEEP] TASTE --

(JON DOING HIS OWN SOUNDEFFECTS)

-- ADIOS, MOTHER [BLEEP]!

WHOOO!

BOOM, BOOM --

>> JON, JON!

>> Jon: WHAT'S THAT?

WHAT?

>> JON, WE HAVE THREE MORESHOWS LEFT.

>> Jon: [BLEEP] HOT, HOT,HOT, HOT, HOT.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Jon: WELCOME BACK!

MY GUEST TONIGHT, VERY FONDOF HER --

SHE'S THE STAR OF "INSIDE AMYSCHUMER" ON COMEDY CENTRAL,

AND HER NEW MOVIE IS CALLED"TRAINWRECK."

(PHONE RINGING)

>> OH MY GOD, HE'S CALLING.

>> WHY WOULD HE CALL, YOUJUST HAD SEX.

>> IT'S PROBABLY A MISTAKE. IT'SA MISTAKE.

>> HE'S BUTT DIALING YOU.

>> HELLO?

OH, HEY THERE, IT'S AARON.

>> OH, THIS IS AMY.

I THINK YOU BUTT DIALED ME.

>> NO, I DIALED YOU WITH MYFINGERS.

>> WHAT'S SHE SAYING, WHAT'S SHESAYING?

>> HE CALLED ME ON PURPOSE.

>> HANG UP, HE IS OBVIOUSLYLIKE SICK OR SOMETHING.

>> UM, YEAH, WHAT'S UP.

>> I WAS CALLING TO SAY IHAD A REALLY GOOD TIME LAST

NIGHT, I WAS WONDERING IFYOU WANTED TO HANG OUT

AGAIN.

>> WILL YOU SAY THAT AGAIN,PLEASE.

>> I WAS WONDERING IF ICOULD SEE YOU AGAIN.

>> YOU KNOW WHAT, I'M GOINGTO CALL THE POLICE.

>> Jon: PLEASE WELCOME AMYSCHUMER.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE CONTINUE)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE CONTINUE)

>> Jon: I WAS TRYING TO GOADTHEM.

>> I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

>> Jon: I WAS GOADING THEM.

>> THAT WAS [BLEEP] AWESOME.

>> Jon: THAT WAS FUN.

>> WE WERE GOING NUTS IN THEGREEN ROOM.

>> Jon: WE HAVE A NICE SHOWHERE, WE DO IT ALMOST EVERY

DAY, FOUR DAYS A WEEK.

>> I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M HERE.

YOUR LAST WEEK.

THANK YOU.

>> Jon: THANK YOU.

AND LET ME TELL YOU WHATHAPPENED.

AND I FEEL LIKE I CAN OPENUP TO YOU.

>> OKAY, THIS DOESN'T LEAVETHIS ROOM.

>> Jon: I'VE BEEN BANGING ITOUT -- 22 MINUTES A NIGHT,

FOUR DAYS A WEEK.

AND I DON'T THINK ANYBODYCAN KEEP THAT UP KIND OF

PACE.

>> NO.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Jon: THANKS FORUNDERSTANDING, I APPRECIATE

THAT.

IT IS WONDERFUL TO SEEYOU HERE.

YOUR MOVIE IS RIDICULOUS.

YOU KNOW, YOU AND I TALKEDABOUT, YOU KNOW, I FEEL LIKE

YOUR COMEDY IS -- COMES FROM APLACE OF REAL INTENTION AND

A SHOW LIKE THIS WOULD HAVEBEEN SO GOOD TO YOU, BUT I

HADN'T SEEN YOUR MOVIE ATTHAT POINT.

[BLEEP] A, BOY.

DID YOU MAKE THE RATE-- YOU ARELIKE THE ACTRESS, STAR [BLEEP].

>> WHAT!

>> Jon: COME ON! YOU KNOW THAT!

>> GRIL!

JON, NO.

>> Jon: YOU CAN PUT IT ONTHE POSTER.

I DO THOUGH WANT TO TALK ABOUT,AND OBVIOUSLY, THIS IS A

HORRIBLE THING, BUT WHEN YOU,THIS MOVIE ASK AMAZING AND WHAT

A GREAT EXPERIENCE.

THE CRAZY SHOOTING THATHAPPENED, THAT MUST HAVE

ROCKED YOU TO YOUR CORE.

>> MAN, WHAT A BUMMER.

I WAS LIKE, LEGIT HEARTBROKEN.

JUST, TO GET THAT NEWS.

I GOT A CALL AND I GET A LOTOF MISSED CALLS AM I ASSUMED

THERE WAS A SEX TAPE OF MEOUT OR SOMETHING.

AND I WAS KIND OF PREPARINGFOR THAT.

AND THEN TO HEAR THAT NEWS,IT BROKE MY HEART.

AND YEAH, IT WAS SOHORRIBLE.

I DID A PRESS CONFERENCETHIS MORNING WITH SENATOR

SCHUMER, WHO I AM RELATED TO.

GIVE IT UP FOR CHUCK.

AND YEAH, IT'S LIKE, IWAS-- IT WAS LIKE--

>> Jon: AND THIS HAS DRAWNYOU IN NOW.

BECAUSE I KNOW THERE WAS AWOMAN FROM SANDY HOOK WHO HAD

REACHED OUT TO YOU TO SAY"HEY, IS THERE ANY WAY YOU

COULD MAYBE TAKE UP SOME OFTHIS," AND YOU REACHED

BACK OUT TO HER AND SAY--

>> I'M ON IT, GIRL.

YEAH, THE SECOND THISHAPPENED I, YOU KNOW, YOU

WANT TO ACT.

I WANTED TO GO DOWN THEREAND DO WHATEVER I COULD.

AND SO YEAH, THIS HAS BEENIN THE WORKS.

AND I AM SO HAPPY HE INVITEDME TO BE A PART OF IT.

>> Jon: I WISH YOU WELL, INTHE WHOLE ENDEAVOR.

BUT THIS, FOR YOU, LIFE ISBIT OF A ROCKETSHIP RIGHT

NOW, I WOULD ASSUME.

MY CHILDREN CERTAINLY,WALKING AROUND THE HOUSE

SINGING "MILK, MILK, LEMONADE."

(APPLAUSE)

>> Jon: 'ROUND THE CORNER...FUDGE IS MADE.

>> YOU KNOW THAT IS AEUPHEMISM.

>> Jon: I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

>> DON'T WORRY ABOUT.

>> Jon: THANK YOU SO MUCH.

BUT WHAT'S THE-- ARE YOU INTHE STRATOSPHERE, I SEE A

PICTURE OF YOU AND LIKEJENNIFER LAWRENCE, WHAT IS

YOUR --

>> OH, GOD, DON'T EVEN START.

ALL MY CELEB FRIENDS! -- NO,SHE IS, FIRST OF ALL, I

LOVE-- SHE'S BEEN ON HERE.

SHE IS THE COOLEST CHICKYOU'LL EVER MEET.

>> Jon: YES, I WAS NOTINTIMIDATED.

>> AND SHE'S BEAUTIFUL.

>> ONCE I YEAR I GO WITH ALL MYGIRLFRIENDS FROM HIGH SCHOOL.

WE WENT TO THE HAMPTONSBECAUSE THEY WOULDN'T LET US

GO BACK TO MARTHA'SVINEYARD.

LIKE NO ONE WOULD RENT US AHOUSE BECAUSE THEY HEARD

ABOUT US.

>> Jon: YOU GOT THROWN OUTOF MARTHA'S VINEYARD.

>> OFF THE WHOLE ISLAND.

>> Jon: HOLY [BLEEP].

THE KENNDYS RAN ROUGH SHODOVER THAT THING FOR LIKE 50

YEARS.

>> THAT'S WHAT I SAID,THAT'S WHAT I SAID!

>> Jon: WHAT DID YOU GUYSDO?

>> NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!.

LIKE, OH MY GOD.

>> Jon: I'M SORRY, I FORGOT,I FORGOT.

>> BUT WE GO TO THE HAMPTONSAND JENNIFER AND I HAVE

BECOME FRIENDS.

AND I WAS LIKE OH, WE'REGOING ON A BOAT TOMORROW,

YOU SHOULD COME.

AND SHE WAS LIKE, IT WASKIND OF A HYPOTHETICAL AND

SHE WAS LIKE, I THINK I'MCOMING.

I WAS LIKE, OH MY GOD.

SO I FILMED A VIDEO TELLING MYFRIENDS THAT JENNIFER LAWRENCE

WAS -- THEY ARE ALLNURSES AND TEACHERS, I SAID

JENNIFER LAWRENCE IS COMINGON A BOAT WITH US TOMORROW.

SO THEY ARE ALL SCREAMING.

WE WOUND UP GOING JET SKIINGAM I WAS LIKE I'LL DRIVE, I

GOT THIS.

AND SHE'S LIKE NO, "HUNGERGAMES"--

>> Jon: SO WAS THISBACK-TO-BACKING LIKE, SHE'S

ON, AND THEN YOU'RE ON.

>> YEAH.

DO YOU WANT ME TO TALKSLOWER.

>> Jon: NO, I LOVE THIS -- OHTHAT'S IT!

(APPLAUSE)

>> NO, BUT IN ALL THESEPICTURES --

>> Jon: YOU KNOW WHAT THATIS?

>> WHAT.

>> Jon: THAT IS THE NEXTMOVIEST POSTER.

>> THAT'S IT.

>> Jon: TELL ME THAT IS NOTA COP MOVIE.

>> IT WAS A COMPLETE VIRALTHING AND I'M-- SO THEN IT'S

MY PICTURE, NEXT TO JENNIFERLAWRENCE, LIKE THE LAST

PERSON YOU WANT TO BE NEXTTO.

AND ALL THE PICTURES WE TOOKOF US, I LOOK LIKE HER COACH

IN ALL THE PICTURES.

I WAS LIKE I'M TELLING HERTO TAKE A KNEE, I'M LIKE

LISTEN, JEN!

I THINK YOU HAVE ANOTHER, DOYOU HAVE ANOTHER PICTURE.

I TOTALLY LOOK LIKE-- LIKE IJUST LOOK LIKE HER--

(APPLAUSE)

LIKE I'M COACHING HER.

I GOT THE, THE ONE TIME IHAVE GOTTEN PAPARAZZI'D -- OTHER

THAN ONE TIME WHEN THEYTHOUGHT I WAS ADEL --

HOW TAN AM I? I'VE NEVER BEENTHIS TAN.

SO I GO, I WENT STAND UPPADDLE BOARDING, OKAY -- OH,

SOME PEOPLE SAW THIS PICTURE,I HEAR.

NO IDEA, NO ONE HAS EVERTAKEN A PICTURE OF ME ON

PURPOSE.

AND YOU KNOW THE BODYLANGUAGE OF STAND-UP PADDLE

BOARDING IS JUST LIKE, YOUARE LIKE A NEWLY HOMELESS

PERSON TAKING LIKE ASTAND-UP DUMP, YOU KNOW, ARE

YOU JUST KIND OF LIKE--

>> Jon: I BELIEVE THAT'S HOWTHEY SELL IT.

>> THAT'S IT.

AND SO WHEN THESE PICTURESCAME OUT, I DIDN'T EVEN

RECOGNIZE MYSELF.

I WAS LIKE, OH MY GOD, ALFREDHITCHCOCK IS LIKE, ALIVE AND

LOVES WATER SPORTS?

LIKE I DIDN'T EVEN-- ALL THEWEEKLY MAGAZINES.

HOW COOL IS THAT.

>> Jon: WAS IT IF A MAGAZINEAND I WAS LIKE-- JUST LIKE

US, THEY TAKE DUMPS STANDINGUP.

THAT'S AWESOME.

>> EVERYONE AT TH GAS STATIONJUST SEES ME, DROPPING HEAT.

>> Jon: YOU ARE A AWESOME.

"TRAINWRECK" IS IN THETHEATERS NOW.

YOUNG AMY SCHUMER.

THANK YOU.

> Jon: THAT'S OUR SHOW,HERE IT IS, YOUR MOMENT OF ZEN.

>> TRUMP OBVIOUSLY FINANCYINGHIS OWN CAMPAIGN.

HE DOESN'T HAVE TO GO ASKING FORMONEY.

I'LL LEAVE YOU WITH THIS,JULIE.

THROUGHOUT THE COURSE OF THEDAY, WE'VE HAD DOZENS OF PEOPLE

COME UP AND ASK WHAT WE'RE DOINGAND WHO WE'RE HERE FOR, ALL

OF WHOM ASKED IF TRUMP WAS HERE,AND PRETTY MUCH ALL OF WHO

SEEMED DISAPPOINTED WHEN WE TOLDTHEM NO.

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